The One With The Carrot

Written by: Catherine Elliott and Poppy Helm.

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner
Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.

Please note: We were bored when we wrote this.....very bored.... in fact so excruciatingly bored we decided to discuss vegetables (well, they were just there, you know). We wrote this for fun, so if you don't like it we won't be too disappointed.

OK, so this isn't first class writing, it probably isn't very funny and it won't be winning any awards or nothing, but we would appreciate some sort of feedback.

Oh yeah, and also we're both English so we haven't seen the more recent episodes, so we apologize for any mistakes / similarities etc. Finally - oh yes there's more - we would just like to say don't go too much into the accuracy thing, we're not entirely sure when Rachel's birthday was so we guessed, we're very sorry if its wrong.

[Scene: Central Perk Joey is there alone. Phoebe enters holding a carrot]

Joey: What with the carrot Pheebs?

Phoebe: Its for my spider

Joey: But I thought that spiders ate flies

Phoebe: It's not for him to EAT. He's lonely

Joey: Why not get him a girl spider?

Phoebe: He doesn't want a wife, he wants a pet

Chandler: (entering)What's with the carrot?

Joey: Don't ask.

Opening Credits


[Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Monica and Chandler are there]

Monica: Do you think that we should tell them?

Chandler: No, why?

(Knock at door)

Monica: Who's there?

Chandler: Go away

Phoebe (V.O): OK

(C&M start kissing Ross enters and sees them)

Ross: wwwwhat is this?

Chandler: I'm conducting a thorough check of her fillings. Her teeth hurt

Phoebe (V.O): could I just have some broccoli?

Ross: And you needed your tongue to do that?

(Ross storms out)

Phoebe (V.O): Or a parsnip?

C & M: Hey Pheebs

Phoebe (V.O): Can I come in yet? It's really boring out here

Monica: Sure, over in the kitchen, take what you want.

Phoebe: Igor is gonna be so happy!

(Phoebe goes into kitchen)

Monica: What is she on? Well at least we don't need to tell Ross about us

Phoebe (from kitchen): tell Ross what about you?

Monica: That I ...we...

Chandler: have decided to get Rachel a stripper for her birthday

Phoebe: Isn't her birthday in July?

Monica: She's got two

Chandler: Yeah, like a queen or something

Monica: (quickly) A half - birthday

Phoebe: Yeah, anyway, I took two potatoes, an onion and a fork

Monica: What's that for?

Phoebe: Well the potatoes and onion are for Igor.

Chandler: What's the fork for?

Phoebe: for me to eat with duh!

(Phoebe exits. C&M start kissing again. Ross re-enters)

Ross: No, I have decided to confront both of you. How do you explain this?

Chandler: Well.....


[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Rachel are there]

Joey: She was holding a carrot.

Rachel: A carrot?

Joey: Yeah. So, when are Chandler and Monica gonna come out of the closet?

Rachel: They're having sex Joey, they're not gay

Joey: Now THAT would be interesting (nodding)

(Phoebe enters, sits down)

Phoebe: Hi Joey, Hi Rach. Ooh, Happy Birthday!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Never mind (to Joey) It's a secret

Rachel:(to Joey) I think she's going mad

(Joey nods in agreement)

Phoebe: I saw Monica and Chandler before

Rachel: Together?

Phoebe: Yeah

Rachel: Finally, I couldn't keep it to myself much longer

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Rachel: They're together

Phoebe: (big gasp) Oh My God (a la Janice)

Rachel: You didn't know?

Phoebe: No

Rachel: oops

Joey: They're not gonna like this. Just make sure you don't tell Ross.

Ross: (entering) Tell Ross what?

Rachel, Joey, Phoebe: Nothing

Ross: You'll never believe what I just saw. Monica and Chandler as Monica AND Chandler

Joey, Phoebe, Rachel: No (faking surprise)

Ross: Oh yeah.


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Monica and Chandler are kissing. Door opens Ross, Rach, Phoebe and Joey enter]

Chandler: aaahhh

(Monica runs to other chair)

Chandler: aaaahappy birthday to you happy birthday to you.

Rachel: To who?

Everyone: YOU

Rachel: (shouting) it's not my birthday.

Chandler: oh well...I'm sorry

Rachel: my birthday is in June

Phoebe: (to herself) close (nodding)

Monica: you were nearly right Pheebs, we should have listened to you

Phoebe: I know. I'm psychic

Ross: what is going on with you two?


Joey: (laughs)

Phoebe: Yeah right, Rachel told me everything

Rachel: (turns to phoebe and gasps) Pheebs.

Monica: told you what exactly? (To Chandler) Rachel doesn't know, does she?

Chandler: (shrugging) Rach?

Rachel: I told Phoebe that you and Monica were....

Phoebe: preparing a surprise party for Joey

Joey: aww man, but I knew about you two

Ross: You did?

Joey: I..I..I... Yeah, Chandler told me everything

Chandler: JOEY!

Joey: So, do I still get my party?


[Scene: Central perk all there but Monica and Ross]

Joey: Do I get a stripper at my party?

Chandler: Joey, there is no party

Joey: But I thought you said...

Chandler: NO

Joey: Ohhh.

Chandler: So where's Ross?

Rachel: I think he's still shouting at Monica somewhere.

Joey: Still?

Rachel: oh yeah, he's got a good two hours of lecturing left yet

Chandler: I don't understand why. Monica didn't have a problem when Ross was dating you

Joey: You two went out? Oh I remember now

Phoebe: Yeah what is Ross' problem?

Rachel: Just cos he isn't getting any

Joey: But chandler never has a problem!

(Ross enters. They all stop talking. Rachel flicks through a magazine, Phoebe paints her nails, Joey hums and Chandler goes to the counter)

Ross: Chandler, You are never to see Monica again, understand?

(Everyone in central perk looks at him.)

Ross: (to everyone) It's the Greek play thing again, ok?

(Everyone resumes normal activities)

Chandler: (in reply to Ross' first question) Ok

Ross: No, see that was too quick, that was really a lie. REALLY think about it and mean it this time

Chandler: No Ross, you think about it. Monica's old enough to make her own decisions now, and besides, I don't your problem, Monica didn't have a problem when you were seeing her best friend - did she? Just get over yourself Ross

(Chandler storms out)

Ross: Joey?

Joey: I'm with Chandler, sorry

(Joey walks out. Phoebe gets up)

Ross: Phoebe?

Phoebe: What? I'm off to feed Igor

(Phoebe walks out)

Ross: Igor?

Rachel: The spider

Ross: Ok. Rachel?

Rachel: I dunno know Ross, I mean he kinda does have a point but if it ended up anything like us, well they oughta stay apart

Ross: What was wrong with how we turned out? I mean we're friends aren't we?

Rachel: yeah, I suppose

(Joey re-enters)

Joey: I still don't agree, I just forgot my coat

(Takes coat, then walks out again)


[Scene: Rachel and Monica's. Monica and Rachel are there]

Rachel: So did you sort stuff out with Ross?

Monica: Kinda, well, he's agreed to let it go for a while

Rachel: Now that's the Ross I love

Monica: (looks at Rachel strange) You're not gonna get started about this again are you?

Rachel: Well....

Joey: (entering) Hey, what's up?

Rachel: Nothing

Joey: Chandler really flipped out before, huh.

Rachel: Must be love.

Monica: (smiles and pretends to blush) (shyly) no....well, yeah... I guess I AM kind of adorable!

Phoebe: (entering and throwing her coat on the table) I have had it with that spider.

Rachel: Oh pheebs, come and tell Rachel all about it.

(Phoebe sits down by Rachel and Rachel strokes her arm)

Phoebe: (upset) He keeps eating all his pets. How is he ever gonna overcome his depression if he keeps eating all his friends?

Monica: Spiders get depressed?

Phoebe: Well yeah. He just sits there all day with his little legs tucked under his body. All still and lonely.

Rachel: Is he breathing?

Phoebe: Oh my god. He's dead.

Phoebe: But who's been eating the food?

(Chandler enters with a half-eaten carrot in his hand)

Rachel: (threateningly) Drop the carrot.

Chandler: wh-wh-what?

Phoebe: (sarcastically) Did you eat Igor too?

Joey: Where did you get the carrot?

Chandler: There was a box filled with them in our apartment.

Monica: Did you see a spider in there?

(Chandler raises his eyebrows quizzically to Monica)

Joey: IGOR

Chandler: Igor?


Chandler: (dropping the carrot and pointing to the door) I'm gonna go now.

(He walks out and shuts the door)

Monica: (distraught) how can I kiss him now? He's got spider breath.

(Chandler walks back through the door)

Chandler: I forgot to say good bye (kisses Monica, who doesn't exactly object)

(walks back out)

Phoebe: That's how!


[Scene: Rachel and Monica's. Chandler and Monica are sitting on couch]

Chandler: So hows Ross doing with all of this now?

Monica: Hes gotten over himself now thank god.

Chandler: So does that mean that I can show affection in public?

Monica: Course you can honey. (start kissing)

(Ross walks in)

Ross: Not again!! I've just gotta stop doing this!!

(walks back out again)

Chandler: You do realise that Ross came in don't you??

Monica: (stopping kissing) What? Oh well, he's gone now, can we continue?

Chandler: I like that idea.




Well, what do you think? Doesn't exactly qualify for any awards but never mind.