Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (The Next Morning. Rachel is asleep on the couch. Chandler and Monica emerge from their bedroom)
Monica: I wonder what she's gonna feel like this morning?
Chandler: Not good.
Monica: (picks up bucket) Oh gross, did she have to eat pizza last night? (Monica goes to the bathroom)
Chandler: It could have been worse, she could've had corn.
(Rachel wakes up and sprints to the bathroom)
Monica: (emerges from the bathroom) You think she could've waited until I left.
Chandler: No, I think that stuff is on a one way ticket.
(Rachel emerges from the bathroom)
Monica: How do you feel honey?
Rachel: Better. (pause) No I don't. (Rachel sprints back to the bathroom)
Chandler: Nothing like calling God on the porcelain telephone.
Opening Credits
MONICA & CHANDLER'S (Continuation from before. Chandler and Monica are eating breakfast at the table. Rachel is lying on the couch with a cloth on her face)
Chandler: Hey Rach, do you want some of this greasy bacon?
Monica: Chandler, you know she's missing a lung. I doubt she wants to eat.
Rachel: Very funny guys.
Monica: Rach, what made you get so drunk last night?
Rachel: I don't remember. I just remember drinking that whole bottle of Captain Morgan.
Chandler: Ah yes, the curse of Captain Morgan.
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey Monica, are you guys still going to dinner with Rebecca and I tonight.
Monica: Yup, we'll meet you there at 7:30.
Ross: (notices Rachel) My God Rach, you look like hell. What happened to you?
Chandler: She lost a sword fight with Captain Morgan.
Ross: (to Rachel) Hungover huh.
Rachel: Very.
Ross: Alright, I gotta go. (to Monica and Chandler) I'll see you guys tonight.
Chandler: We're going to dinner with them tonight?
Monica: Yes, I told you about it yesterday.
Chandler: No you didn't.
Monica: Yes, I did.
Chandler: No, you didn't
(Monica glares at Chandler)
Chandler: Ok, you did. (to himself) You so did not.
Monica: What?
Chandler: I said I love you.
Monica: I thought so.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross is present)
Joey: Hey Rach, I heard there was a projectile vomiting exhibition last night. You should have told me, I could have been a judge.
Monica: (ignoring Joey) So Rach, how do you feel?
Rachel: After four aspirin and a gallon of water, terrible.
Chandler: And you still don't remember why you got so drunk?
Rachel: No, I don't.
Phoebe: I thought it was because you told Ross that you were still in love with and wanted to get back together, but he didn't.
Rachel: Now I remember.
Monica: You told Ross that.
Rachel: Yes. I made a complete fool of myself.
Phoebe: He still loves you. He just doesn't know it. Whenever lobsters get separated, it's only temporary. They always find their way back to each other.
Rachel: Well Pheebs, this lobster's cooked.
(Ross and Rebecca enter)
Ross: Hey guys.
All: Hey.
Rebecca: Do you want some coffee Ross?
Ross: Sure.
Monica: So you two are getting serious.
Ross: Yeah, she's great.
(Rebecca returns and hands him his coffee)
Ross: Thanks Rachel.
Rebecca: Did you just call me Rachel?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Yes you did. (Ross glares at Rachel)
Phoebe: Oh don't worry about it Rebecca. He does that to every woman he dates. Heck, he even did it at his second wedding. Instead of saying Emily's name, he said Rachel.
Rachel: (quickly and sarcastically) What do you expect when someone been obsessed with someone since the 9th grade.
Rebecca: (missing Rachel's comment) It's alright. Just don't do it again. (Rebecca kisses Ross)
Ross: (to Rachel, mad) Can I speak to you outside for a minute?
Rachel: No.
Ross: (grabs Rachel's arm) Let's go outside.
Rachel: Take your hands off me. I am not your property.
Ross: Would you please come outside?
Rachel: Fine (Ross and Rachel exit)
OUTSIDE OF CENTRAL PERK
Ross: What the hell's the matter with you?
Rachel: What?
Ross: Why are trying to sabotage my relationship with Rebecca?
Rachel: I am not. I was just telling the truth.
Ross: (screaming, everyone in Central Perk is looking at them) That's it. You have no right to sabotage my relationships. First their was Julie, then Bonnie and Emily and now Rebecca. Everytime I try to be close to someone new, you're there to help screw it up. I thought we were friends. I thought you could be happy for me. But no, you're just a selfish little bitch!
(Rachel is stunned and starts to cry, and walks away).
CENTRAL PERK (Ross re-enters, and the crowd resumes acting busy)
Rebecca: Is everything alright Ross?
Ross: Everything is fine. Are you ready to go?
Rebecca: Sure, bye guys.
All: Bye.
Monica: (to Chandler) I think we'd better find Rachel.
RESTAURANT (Ross, Rebecca, Chandler and Monica are present)
Rebecca: And then he came up to me and asked if I wanted to see his bone.
Ross: I did not. I asked if you wanted to see the new dinosaur bone.
Chandler: Nice one Ross. The last time I used that line I kicked in the groin.
Monica: Chandler, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?
Rebecca: Anyway, that's how we met.
Ross: And now we're going to Ecuador together.
Monica: Ecuador?
Ross: Yeah, Rebecca has to go for three months, and I'm gonna spend the first month there with her. I just have to find someone to teach my classes.
Chandler: (to Rebecca) What do you have to go to Ecuador for?
Rebecca: I have to finish my field work. I have to collect more specimens for my research.
Chandler: Specimens?
Rebecca: Insects.
Chandler: Why do you have to go to Ecuador for that, New York City has the finest cockroaches.
Monica: Anyway, when do you leave?
Rebecca: In three days.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Joey and Rachel are present)
Joey: What do you guys want to do?
Phoebe: Oh, I know. We could play Twister.
Rachel: I don't feel like playing Twister Pheebs.
Joey: I know…
Rachel: (cutting of Joey) Or strip poker.
Phoebe: How about spin the bottle?
Rachel: No, Joey would make us kiss one another Pheebs.
Joey: I know, how about caps? (college drinking game) I've got plenty of beer.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'll play.
Rachel: Count me out. I only stopped feeling sick two hours ago.
Joey: Come on Rach, it'll be fun.
Rachel: That's alright. I think I'm gonna go home and go to sleep. (Rachel leaves)
Joey: Alright, be a party pooper. Pheebs, what kind of beer do you want Sam Adams or Coors Light?
Phoebe: What will get me drunk faster?
Joey: Sam Adams it is.
HALLWAY BETWEEN JOEY'S & MONICA'S (Chandler and Monica are returning from dinner with Ross and Rebecca, they run into Rachel)
Monica: Rach, there you are. How are you doing?
Rachel: I'm fine. Just a little tired.
Chandler: What Ross did earlier was wrong, he was way out of line.
Rachel: Thanks Chandler, I appreciate that.
Monica: Do you wanna come inside and have some tea or something?
Rachel: No, that's alright. I'm gonna go home and catch up on some sleep.
Chandler: Oh did you hear, Ross is going with Rebecca to Ecuador for a month.
Monica: Chandler! Ross told you not to tell anyone.
Chandler: Sorry I forgot.
Rachel: Mon, it's ok. I hope he has fun. I'll see you guys later. (Chandler & Monica enter their apartment. Rachel makes her way to the stairs, and then turns around and returns to Joey's).
JOEY'S APARTMENT
Joey: Ah ha, that's six caps in your glass, you have to slam your beer.
Phoebe: I am already so drunk.
Joey: Pheebs, you've had a half bottle of beer.
Phoebe: I am not physically drunk, my spiritual self is hammered.
(Rachel Enters)
Joey: Rach, you're back. Want a beer?
Rachel: Yes. (takes the beer from Joey and slams the whole thing)
Joey: Damn, even I can't drink like that.
Phoebe: Why did you come back?
Rachel: Ross is going to Ecuador with Rebecca.
Joey: Where's Ecuador?
Phoebe: In Europe.
Rachel: No it's in South America by the equator.
Joey: What's an equator?
Rachel: How did you graduate from high school Joey?
Joey: I cheated my way through why?
Rachel: Never mind. Joey, do you have any Captain Morgan?
Joey: You betcha. Here you go.
Rachel: Thanks, I'm gonna sit and watch TV and get drunk.
Phoebe: You go girl!
MARK'S APARTMENT (it's midnight and Mark (yes that Mark) is asleep. A loud bang is heard against his door. Mark awakens and answers the door, a very drunk Rachel staggers in).
Rachel: (loudly) Hello! Hello! Why hello there Mr. Mark
Mark: Rachel, what the hell are you doing here? Are you drunk?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Captain Morgan rules!
Mark: What happened?
Rachel: Ross is going to Ecuador. The one in Europe. Isn't that great? (Rachel walks over to the couch and lies down).
Mark: Rach, you're staying here tonight
Rachel: Where's the bathroom?
Mark: Down the hall.
(Rachel sprints to the bathroom and gets sick)
Mark: This is going to be a long night.
THREE HOURS LATER (Rachel is sobering up and talking with Mark on the couch).
Rachel: But I still love him. I can't seem to let him go.
Mark: You know, I used to date Rebecca. She broke my heart.
Rachel: Really?
Mark: Yeah, we dated for seven months. Just when it was getting real serious, she bailed.
Rachel: That sucks. Do you think you could help me win Ross back.
Mark: Help? How?
Rachel: Well, Ross doesn't like you very much because he thinks you helped break Ross and I up. If we acted like we were dating, he'd flip a lid.
Mark: Alright. I'll do it. Oh, and another thing, don't let my girlfriend find out about it. She'd castrate me.
Rachel: It's a deal. You know, you're a good friend. (Rachel hugs Mark).
Mark: Well, I'm off to bed. The couch is all yours. I'll see you in the morning.
Rachel: Mark, thanks again for everything
Closing Credits
ROSS' APARTMENT (Ross and Rebecca are asleep. Ross is dreaming).
Minister: Ross, repeat after me. "I Ross take thee Rebecca, to be my lawfully wedded wife til death parts us"
Ross: (in dreamland) I Ross, take thee Rachel… (Ross wakes up with a look of horror on his face.) Not again.
End