"The One With the Really Big Mess"

Written by Emily T. Handler

email: monana12@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me but to Bright, Kauffman, and Crane Productions, NBC, and Warner Bros. I mean no infringement and make no profit. This is for entertainment purposes only.

Note: This is the first fanfic I’ve ever written! I’m very proud of it and people I know have seemed to enjoy it, so I’m putting it online. It takes place immediately after "The One With the Last Night," and is the first episode in my Alternate Season Six. I hope you like it, but if you don’t- Please be kind, I’m new at this. I have a long list of people to thank. If you don’t care, scroll down to where the script starts.

Thanks to:

* Ann, who is my Phoebe, my best friend, and also a very special and wicked person.

* Lee, who is my Gunther (but would rather be Fun Bobby) and my #1 fan in that even if this fanfic were really bad, he would have said it was good.

* Laura, who is my Rachel, and one of the first people to read this. Sorry I got you hooked on the show, but thanks for obsessing over it with me.

* Carrie, who is my other Phoebe, and the other first person to read this. Thanks for playing along.

* Conrad, who is my Chandler in every way, down to his perfectly executed Chandler Dance.

* My Friends friend Joey, whose name isn’t Joey.

* Lee’s brothers, Erk, who gave me trivia when Joey was unavailable.

* Shara, who is constantly disturbing my birds, but laughed out loud when she read this.

* Carol, who is my other Rachel, but whose heart belongs to another show.

* Jules, who also writes fan fiction.

* And poor, dear Bonnie Jean, who didn’t understand what laundry was.

Hardwood Floors!

Opening Scene: Rachel and Phoebe’s apartment. Phoebe and Rachel are there. There are a few boxes lying around.

Rachel: Well, I’m pretty much all unpacked. D’ya wanna go to the coffeehouse?

Phoebe: No! ‘Cause now it’s time for the Grand Tour!

Rachel: But Phebes, I know where everything is around here-

Phoebe: No, silence! See, you may think you know this apartment, but there is more to it than meets the eye. I can show you the, y’know, Finer Points of the apartment on the Grand Tour!

Rachel: Like what?

Phoebe: Like, um, see that crack in the ceiling that looks like a turtle?

(They both look upwards)

Rachel: Oh, yeah!

Phoebe: And...this cabinet (she goes to a cabinet) is completely filled with Aromatherapy stuff. So don’t ever think they’re something else and put them in food. ‘Cause I did that once...I don’t wanna talk about it... And, oh yeah, there are goblins around here who, y’know, steal your keys and stuff.

Rachel: Goblins?

Phoebe: Yeah, I doubted it at first too, but is there any other logical explanation?

(Cut to Monica and Chandler’s. They are in the kitchen. Monica has a clipboard in hand and is pointing to cupboards and drawers as she speaks.)

Monica: And this is where we keep the silverware, and pots and pans go here, and glasses go here but glassware goes here. Got it?

Chandler: Does it matter?

Monica: Not all that much.

Chandler: (begging) Can we please go to the coffeehouse now?

Opening Credits

Scene One: Central Perk. All present; Rachel and Phoebe are just entering.

All: Hey! Hi! etc.

Rachel: Hey, Mon. It turns out I miss you and your phone pen.

Monica: Yeah, and I miss you and you 147,000 pairs of boots.

Chandler: (to Joey) I miss you too, man.

Joey: I miss you too.

Chandler: And I miss the chick and the duck.

Joey: And I miss the big white dog!

Phoebe: I miss Denise!

Ross: And I am all alone!

Monica: Well, Chandler and I would love to hang around, but we have some laundry to do at our apartment. Right, Chandler?

Chandler: No, I don’t think- (Monica gives him a look)- Oh! I believe we just might!

(Exit Monica and Chandler)

Rachel: Yeah, I have to go do my laundry, too. (The others look at her, confused.) Real laundry.

All: Ohhhh.

Phoebe: Y’know, Rach, you don’t have to do your laundry now if you don’t want to.

Rachel: But won’t Monica-

Phoebe: Yes, but you don’t live with her anymore. So she can’t tell you what to do.

Rachel: (pauses) Really?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Hm. (She sits back down, puts her feet on the table and picks up a magazine.)

Scene 2: Joey’s Apartment. Joey is there. There is a knock at the door. Joey gets it; it’s Eddie (dun-dun-dunn)!

Joey: Can I help you?

Eddie: Yeah, I heard you were looking for a roommate.

Joey: Oh, yeah. You look familiar. Do I know you?

Eddie: No, I don’t think so.

Joey: Okay. Name?

Eddie: Eddie.

(It suddenly dawns on Joey who this is)

Joey: Oh my God! Get out of here! Out!

Eddie: So when can I move in?

Joey: Never!

Eddie: Tomorrow would work for me.

Joey: You’re insane!

Eddie: Thank you! See ya tomorrow!

(Eddie exits; Joey looks terrified.)

(Cut to Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is washing dishes. Chandler is sitting on the couch.)

Monica: Where’s number 19?

Chandler: What?

Monica: Coffee cup number 19! Where is it?!

Chandler: Calm down. It’s right here. (He points to a cup on the coffee table.)

Monica: Chandler, please tell me there’s a coaster under that cup.

Chandler: Doesn’t look like it...

Monica: (picks up the cup) Oh my God! Water ring! (She turns to Chandler) How could you let this happen?!

Chandler: Are you going to kill me?

(Joey enters)

Joey: Chandler, you gotta help me!

Chandler: What? Did you accidentally agree to do gay porn again?

Joey: No, no. This is totally different.

Chandler: What is it?

Joey: Do you remember your psycho ex-roommate Eddie?

Chandler: Wait, let me think a minute, because I’ve had so many psycho ex-roommates. Yes!!

Joey: Was getting rid of him hard?

Chandler: Let me see- I had to move his stuff downstairs, change the locks, and pretend I didn’t know him. Do you think that sounds hard?

Joey: More so than I’d like to think...


Joey: ‘Cause I think he may be moving in with me tomorrow.

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Yeah, he came to be interviewed and I told him to leave and he said he could move in tomorrow! Then I said he was insane and he seemed to enjoy it!

Chandler: What are you gonna do?!

Joey: Dude! That’s what I’m asking you!

Chandler: I guess you’ll have to change the locks again.

Joey: I can’t afford new locks! I can’t even afford new socks!

Chandler: Could you, if you had a box? Could you, could you with a fox?

Joey: Monica, what do you think?

Monica: (still inspecting the water ring) Joey, I have bigger problems here!

Joey: (to Chandler) Is she going to kill you?

Scene Three: Rachel and Phoebe’s. Rachel and Phoebe are present. Rachel is wiping off a table.

Phoebe: You don’t need to do that.

Rachel: But I ate lunch on here.

Phoebe: But I’m not Monica. So you don’t need to do that.

Rachel: Oh! You’re right. It’s just that after you’ve lived with her for so long, it gets to be habit.

Phoebe: I know. It was the same when I stopped living with her. You just need to get over her and move on.

Rachel: I know. But it’s so hard! (getting choked up) I have to see her and talk to her every day like we never had anything special together!

Phoebe: Yeah. It’s hard to be friends after you’ve been- roommates.

Rachel: I keep telling myself that it was for the best, y’know, because she obviously wanted me to move out! But I can’t help thinking that- we were meant to live together!

Phoebe: Aw. You know what you should do to get over Monica?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Make a really huge, giant mess!

Rachel: And... how would I go about doing that?

Phoebe: Just, y’know, don’t clean anything up.

Rachel: Ah. I had forgotten. (She takes a crumbled-up piece of paper out of her pocket) So, I just drop this on the floor (she does so )...and don’t pick it up?

Phoebe: That’s a start!

Rachel: Yay! Look at me! (pauses in continuation of making a mess) I’m making a mess for the first time in six years! (She throws all kinds of stuff on the floor; Phoebe helps.)

Scene Four: Joey’s apartment. Joey is pacing around nervously. Chandler enters.

Chandler: Hey, man.

Joey: Hey. Aren’t you and Monica supposed to be doing something girly, or something?

Chandler: Oh, we were. I’ve been learning to crochet for the past (looks at his watch) two hours. I’m taking my hourly six-minute break.

Joey: Well, Eddie could be moving in any minute, so you’ll have to choose between your psycho girlfriend and your psycho ex-roommate.

Chandler: I’m gonna go find a place to hide.

Joey: Good call.

(Exit Chandler. The birds start make noise.)

Joey: (to birds) Okay guys, there is a crazy man coming to live here. I need you to not make any sudden sounds or movements. (The buzzer sounds suddenly. Joey jumps. In reply to buzzer:) Who is it?

Eddie: (through buzzer) It’s me, roomie!

Joey: Come on up! (to chick and duck) Now remember, should something happen to me, I love you guys. Don’t be scared- (knock at the door) Save yourselves! (He shoves the birds into his room and closes the door. He answers the door; Eddie is there, holding a fish bowl and a box labeled "Fruit Dehydrator." Joey pretends to be calm.) Hey...Eddie. Where’s the rest of your stuff?

Eddie: Oh! Okay, that’s a funny story. Okay, so I break up with my girlfriend, and it feels like she has ripped out my heart and is sitting on it, y’know? And then, she throws all my clothes out the window, and keeps the rest of my stuff, except for my fruit dehydrator and my fish. (He is laughing like what he just said was an incredible joke.)

Joey: (freaked out) Umm...

Eddie: (holding up a fishbowl with no fish in it) This is my fish. He’s invisible.

Scene Five: Phoebe and Rachel’s. It is now incredibly messy. There are piles of stuff covering the floor. Rachel is sitting on the nearly submerged couch, reading a magazine. Monica enters. She is horrified because, well, she’s Monica.

Monica: (in shock) Oh my God! What happened?!

Rachel: Nothing?

Monica: Was there a break-in?! A natural disaster?! Did the state decide to make your apartment a landfill?!!

Rachel: (looking around) Oh, all this? I just made a big mess.

Monica: "Big mess?" Try "gigantic mess!"

Rachel: Okay. I just made a gigantic mess.

Monica: (exasperated) Why?

Rachel: I just felt like it.

Monica: You "just felt like it?!"

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Are you feeling okay?

Rachel: Monica, I just made a mess. What’s the big deal? (Monica starts to pick things up.) No! Drop it! (Monica does so.) This is my apartment and if I want it to be a mess, it can be a mess! Okay?!

Monica: Fine! If you want to live like- like- Joey- that’s just fine with me!

Rachel: Good.

Monica: And I’m not gonna clean it up.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Not even of you beg.

Rachel: Monica, if you can’t stand to see a big mess, you don’t have to come here. I know you have a thing about being clean-

Monica: No! No, I’m fine with it! I mean, some things don’t have to be clean. If this is what you want, then it’s okay with me.

Rachel: Oh, Mon, that’s so great! I was hoping you’d say that!

Monica: I’d hug you, but... I can’t get over there.

Rachel: That’s okay. (She jumps over piles of stuff and hugs Monica.)

(Cut to Monica and Chandler’s. Phoebe, Ross, and Chandler are there. Chandler is watching TV. Ross and Phoebe are in the kitchen.)

Phoebe: Have you decided if you’re going to tell Rachel you re-love her?

Ross: I do not re-love her!

Phoebe: You’re in denial.

Ross: I am NOT!

Phoebe: See?

Chandler: What’re you guys talking about?

Phoebe: Okay. Ross has read this book, like, 400 times, and I told him that he might want to buy it.

Chandler: That makes sense.

Phoebe: Yes! Yet Ross denies still loving this book.

Chandler: Well, that happens.

Phoebe: Can’t you just pick a side?! Should he go for it with the book or not?! He obviously still loves the book! But the book is over him! So he should just get over the book, right?!

Chandler: (after a pause) I think you should both get help.

Phoebe: Well, if he doesn’t decide soon, I may have to decide for him.

Ross: God, Phoebe, for the last time, I DO NOT RE-LOVE HER!! (glances at Chandler, who is staring at him) -cules. The book Hercules is the book.

(Enter Monica)

Monica: Phoebe, I was just at your apartment.

Phoebe: Oh. Oh no. (The trademark Phoebe "oh no.")

Monica: Are you aware of its state of monumental, hazardous, disgusting filth?

Phoebe: (confused) What? Oh, you mean the big mess we made.

Monica: Hm. "We." When you say "we" I get the impression that you both made the mess. Did you both make the mess, Phoebe?

Phoebe: Perhaps...

Monica: One question: Are you crazy?!

Phoebe: Stop it, you’re scaring me! Look, if Rachel wants to make a mess, she can! You’re...not the boss of her!

Monica: Sorry. I may be getting a little carried away. I’m just wierd about some stuff like that.

Chandler: (glances at his watch) It’s Baywatch time! (He turns the TV on.)

Monica: Oh no, you are not watching that in my apartment!

Phoebe: Stuff like that?

(Cut to Joey’s. Eddie is showing off his dehydrated fruit.)

Eddie: And this used to be a watermelon! Can you believe that?!

(the oven timer goes off.)

Joey: It’s Baywatch time!

Eddie: Hey, wait, I was talking to you! Shouldn’t you listen when people talk to you?! (He stands up, holding the dried watermelon menacingly in one hand.)

Joey: Apparently...

Scene 6: Chandler and Monica’s. Everyone is just sitting around. Rachel enters.

Rachel: Hey!

All: Hi.

Rachel: Okay, you are all invited to my new place for a kinda house warming get-together thing.

Phoebe: (annoyed) And when were you planning on telling me about this?

Rachel: Right then, when I did.

Phoebe: (actually fine with that) Oh. Okay.

Rachel: So you can all come, right?

All: Yeah.

Monica: So I guess since you’re having people over, you’re going to be cleaning your dump. I mean apartment.

Rachel: Nope.

Monica: (not fine) And I’m fine with that.

(Suddenly Eddie bursts into the room with his fish bowl. Chandler dives behind the couch to hide.)

Eddie: (pointing at Joey) You! You killed my fish!

Joey: I didn’t kill your fish!

Eddie: Don’t play innocent with me! I mean, he’s obviously not there!

Joey: He’s imaginary! He was never there!

Eddie: He was there when I left this morning!

Joey: He was something you created in your twisted mind!

Eddie: What are you trying to say man? (his watch beeps) It’s time for me to go shopping! Aren’t these beeping watches cool?

(He exits. There is a short pause)

Joey: So, you all remember Eddie?

Scene 7: Rachel’s get- together thing. All are present. Joey is walking to the kitchen with some trash.

Rachel: Whoa, whoa, Joey. Whatcha doin’ with that trash?

Joey: I was gonna throw it away.

Rachel: No-no-no, Joey. That is not what we do with trash here.

Joey: What do we do with trash here? (Rachel takes the trash and drops it on the floor.) Oh. Okay.

(Cut to Monica and Chandler who are sitting on the couch. Monica keeps almost cleaning.)

Chandler: What are you doing?

Monica: I’m sorry. I just can’t control myself. It’s too much. (She starts to reach for something, but slaps her hand.)

Chandler: Just try to ignore it.

Monica: Gee, y’know, that would be kind of hard when everywhere I look, it’s there!

Chandler: Okay, I think you’ve had enough. I’m gonna tell Rachel we’re leaving.

(Chandler goes over to Rachel, passing Phoebe and Ross, who are arguing.)

Phoebe: Do too.

Ross: Do not.

Phoebe: You do too.

Ross: I so do not!

Rachel: (to Chandler) What are they fighting about, anyway?

Chandler: Something about a book he may or may not love.

Rachel: Oh.

Chandler: I’m sorry, but we have to leave now. It’s getting late, and I have a meeting to prepare for-

Rachel: Monica’s losing it, isn’t she?

Chandler: And then there’s that.

Ross: (to Phoebe) For the last time, I do NOT!

Phoebe: Okay, Ross, calm down. (Under her breath) Do too. (She walks over to Joey) Hey Joey, what’s wrong?

Joey: I’ve got to figure out a way to get rid of Eddie.

Phoebe: Well, you’re an actor. You have a creative mind. Just do something creative and actor-y.

(Joey looks like he has an idea.)

Scene 8: Joey’s place. Joey is there. Eddie enters with a shopping bag.

Eddie: Hey! Guess what?! I got five dozen kiwis and we get to dehydrate them! We can have, like, a dehydrating party!

Joey: (pretending to be excited) Great!

(Phoebe enters from Joey’s room)

Phoebe: And cut! That’s a wrap people! You can go home now.

Eddie: What? What’s going on?

Phoebe: Hi, I’m Regina Phalange, and I’ve been directing this movie.

Eddie: Movie? I don’t understand?

Phoebe: Yeah, it’s called (thinks) "The Scary Rommate Project." We took two complete strangers, made them roommates and taped their movements every day. You and Mr. Tribbiani here got the roles.

Eddie: (to Joey) Did you know about this?

Joey: (putting on a shocked face) I’m as shocked as you are!

Phoebe: Okay, so just give me your keys and be on your way, movie star.

Eddie: Wow, um, okay. (He gives her his keys and heads towards the door)

Phoebe: You too, Tribbiani. Show’s over.

(Joey hands her his keys and walks to the door behind Eddie. When Eddie has exited he shuts the door and turns back.)

Phoebe and Joey: (jumping up and down) Yay! Yes!

Closing Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is on the phone with Rachel.

Monica: Yeah, Rach, I’m sorry. I know I was being stupid. If you want to keep your apartment the way it is, I’m really okay with it. Really. I promise, I’ll never freak out about it again. Hey, don’t you have to leave for work in, like, 2 minutes and 13 seconds? I thought so. Bye.

(She grabs a broom bucket, mop, and trash bag and heads for the the door.)

Chandler: So never again begins when?

Monica: I’m thinking in a week, or a month, or never!

(She exits)