Written By: Jbag
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
IMPORTANT NOTE:
I have written a couple of other fanfics before this under the name jbaghenry, but I decided to start over and this does not
take place after any of my other previous fanfics, but is meant to be the one-hour season finale for season seven where Monica and Chandler finally wed.
Enjoy!
Feedback: j.bag@home.com
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Ross is helping Chandler, who’s in his tux, get ready for the big day.]
Ross: Okay, now this is the part where many people might start get a little weepy and you might want to shed a tear yourself, but just stay firm and calm.
Chandler: All right.
Ross: Okay. Now, Chandler, repeat after me, I Chandler…
Chandler: I Chandler…
Ross: Take thee Monica…
Chandler: Take thee Rachel…(starts cracking up)
Ross: Okay, man, you want me to help you with this or not?
Chandler: I’m sorry, man, I just had to do it. Please, go on, I know that no one knows what to do at a wedding more than you. Y’know, having had three of them and all. (cracks up again)
Ross: Okay, c’mon cut it out!
Chandler: Sorry, sorry.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys, what’s up?
Chandler and Ross: Hey.
Joey: Whatcha guys doin’?
Ross: Well, best man #1 was trying to coach marrying boy, but marrying boy would rather be coached by best man #2. Good luck, Joe. (walks out)
Joey: What’s with him?
Chandler: I don’t know.
Joey: Hey, what are you doin’ in your tux? The wedding’s not ‘till tomorrow.
Chandler: Man, I’m just very nervous, y’know, I’m tryin’ to make sure I got every last detail right, I don’t want anything to go wrong at our wedding.
Joey: C’mon, what could go wrong at a wedding?
Chandler: Joe, remember when we all went to London for Ross’s wedding?
Joey: Uh-huh.
Chandler: And when Ross and Rachel got drunk in Vegas?
Joey: Yeah. (Chandler waits for him to figure out what he’s talking about) Oh, don’t worry Chandler, this time we’ll make sure Ross and Rachel aren’t drunk until after your wedding.
(A dazed Chandler blown away by Joey’s stupidity walks out of the apartment)
Joey: (picking up a bagel) Man, I love making him think I’m stupid or somethin’. (looking at the bagel) Hey I didn’t know bagels came green now. (takes a bite and then spits it out in disgust)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, Rachel is at the table looking through some pictures while Phoebe looks around the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Hey Rach, do you know if Monica’s got any salt anywhere?
Rachel: Yeah, sure, in the third cabinet from the left. Why, hon, what do you need the salt for?
Phoebe: Well, since Monica and Chandler asked me to sing at their wedding I thought it would be nice if after my song I could sprinkle the newlyweds with salt, y’know, for good luck.
Rachel: Well, that sounds nice Pheebs, but aren’t you supposed to throw rice at the bride and groom after the wedding?
Phoebe: (mocking her) ‘Oh sure, we throw rice at them, yeah. And then after that the bride and groom each shove cake in each other’s face.’ (laughs) Rach, you’re a riot.
Rachel: (confused) Okay, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hey, whatcha got the pictures for?
Rachel: Oh, I’m gathering pictures of Monica and Chandler to decorate a part of the wall with all of them.
Phoebe: Ooh, this wedding’s gonna be so great!
Rachel: I know. So, Pheebs, you got your song all ready for tomorrow?
Phoebe: (thinks) Oh yeah, I should probably go and write it. (goes to the other room)
Monica: (entering with groceries) Hey guys.
Rachel: Hey, bride to be.
Monica: (smiling) Oh stop.
Rachel: Here, let me help you with those. (grabs the groceries)
Monica: Thanks. Oh man, y’know what I just realized?
Rachel: Hmm?
Monica: Today is my last day as a single woman. Oh, I’m so happy.
Rachel: Oh, I know.
Phoebe: (from the living room) Ooh, and you know what I just realized?
Monica: What Pheebs?
Phoebe: Today is also the last day that we’ll consider Chandler as our gay friend.
Monica: Right, but didn’t you realize that when he moved in with me?
Phoebe: (sarcastic) Right, okay, sure Mon.
Monica: (seeing the pictures) Ooh, are those the pictures?
Rachel: Yep. Ooh-ooh, hey, check this one out. (holds up a picture of a little boy dressed as a girl)
Monica: Ohh, when Chandler used to dress up like his dad.
Rachel: I know. (sees Monica holding her head) Hey Mon, what’s wrong?
Monica: Oh, nothing. (sits down) Just feeling a little queasy and light headed these past couple of days. I think I’m just really nervous.
Rachel: Oh, sweetheart, don’t worry, everyone gets cold feet, just relax.
Monica: Yeah, well, I’m going to see the doctor this afternoon, but I’m sure it’s nothing, it’s nothing.
Phoebe: (coming back into the kitchen) Hey Mon, I bet I know how to make you feel better. (throws a handful of salt at her)
Monica: (standing up, shocked) Pheebs, what are you doing? You got salt everywhere and all over me!
Phoebe: Oh, sorry, I’m sorry.
Monica: What did you do that for?
Phoebe: Y’know, salt for good luck? (Monica’s looks confused) Y’know, at weddings? (Monica’s still confused) Hey Rach, tell her your rice joke.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is now out of his tux in normal clothes, sipping coffee at the bar and is still practicing for the wedding.]
Chandler: (tense) I do. (calmer) I do. (masculine) I do. Yes, of course I do.
Gunther: (coming up to him) You want some more coffee?
Chandler: I do.
Gunther: You do?
Chandler: (coming back to the real world) What? Oh, sorry Gunther. Sorry, I’m just nervous, you see, I‘m getting married tomorrow.
Gunther: Really? (grabbing his arm) You’re marrying Rachel?
Chandler: No, I’m marrying Monica. (in pain) And could you please let go of my arm, you have really long nails!
Gunther: Oh, sorry. (walks on to other customers)
Ross: (entering) Hey, man. You alright?
Chandler: Yes, I’m fine. Hey, (practicing) I do!
Ross: Nice!
Chandler: Heh? I guess I’ll be okay, I just keep thinking about tomorrow.
Ross: Ah, I understand. Quick, who are you marrying?
Chandler: Monica.
Ross: Okay, you’re good to go.
Chandler: You pick up Monica’s dress?
Ross: Yes, I dropped it off at their apartment. You have no idea how a taxi driver treats a guy who’s holding up a white dress wrapped in plastic.
Chandler: (starting to get worked up) Okay, then everything’s ready for tomorrow, the place is already decorated, got the tuxes, got the dresses, it’s official, I’m getting married.
Ross: Okay, buddy, breathe, okay? (he does so) In, out, in, out. That’s good.
Chandler: (calmer) Thank you.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys. Hey Chandler, oh, your mom just got here, she’s upstairs with Monica and her parents. They want you to come up.
Chandler: Oh, right. Thanks man. See ya guys later. (leaves)
Ross: See ya.
Joey: So, Ross, you excited?
Ross: Yeah, I mean, this is so great. My best friend and my sister are getting married. It’s wonderful!
Joey: Making you feel like you want to do it all over again?
(Ross glares at Joey.)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, Monica’s parents are there chatting with Chandler’s mom, Nora, as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Nora: Oh there he is. (gets up and goes over to him) How are ya sweetie? (gives him a kiss)
Chandler: Oh, I’m fine. I’m gonna be great. (gets worked up again) I mean, I’m getting married, it’s great!
Nora: Okay, breathe. (he does so) In, out. Very good.
Chandler: Thank you. So, Dad couldn’t make it?
Nora: No, honey, he’s got his new show.
Chandler: Oh, right, The Seats of Man Francisco. Well, anyway, great to see ya.
Nora: You to sweetheart.
Judy: Okay, come over here Chandler, we’ve all got lots to talk about.
Jack: Yes.
Chandler: (sits down) Okay.
Judy: Did Ross give you his lecture?
Chandler: Yes.
Judy: All right, let’s hear it.
Chandler: I take thee… Monica.
Jack: Wonderful! We’ve got ourselves a pro workin’ with us this time.
Chandler: So, where’s Monica?
Judy: Oh, she just had a doctor’s appointment, been feeling kind of queasy lately.
Chandler: Oh really?
Judy: Yes, but don’t worry honey, she’s just excited about the wedding.
Nora: Oh, yes. Like, I remember, during my fourth wedding I just spent two days crying and I kept having these spells at the most odd moments. Fortunately his best man was there the whole time to make me feel a whole lot better.
Chandler: And he was my fifth daddy.
Nora: Yes, that’s right. (pinches his cheeks)
Judy: Well… isn’t that nice? So, Mrs. Bing, I hear you’re an author.
Nora: Oh, that’s right. Romance, mostly. I’ve written Island Paradise, Three-Way Lovers,…
Jack: …Midnight Fantasy. (everyone stares at him) I saw it in the bookstore.
Nora: And then there was my smash hit, 69 All the Time.
Judy: (not getting it) What an unusual title. (to Jack) We have to read that, it sounds like a mystery.
Chandler: I wouldn’t recommend it for the weak stomached.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Rachel is reading a book and eating a bagel.]
Joey: (entering from his bedroom) Hey Rach.
Rachel: Hey.
Joey: Oh, you enjoying those new green bagels?
(Rachel, having taken a bite, spits it out into her napkin.)
Chandler: Hey guys.
Rachel: Hey.
Joey: Hey, whatcha doin’ here? Aren’t you supposed to be over there with your mom?
Chandler: Well, I thought I would take an opportunity and sneak out while my mother was explaining to Monica’s parents about the wonders of her new book, Back in the Sac.
Rachel: Your mother being herself again?
Chandler: Yes to her fullest. Man I hope my mom won’t ruin the wedding.
Rachel: Oh, c’mon, how can your mother ruin the wedding? What are you afraid she’s gonna do, come up in the middle of the ceremony and squeeze your cheeks?
Chandler: No, I’m afraid she’s gonna come up in the middle of the ceremony and squeeze the minister’s butt cheeks.
Joey: C’mon, man, you’re overreacting. Just think, after tomorrow you and Monica are going to be married. Married! You’re going to go down to Atlantic City and enjoy your honeymoon and you will be together for the rest of your lives.
Chandler: Yeah man, I guess you’re right.
Joey: You know I’m right.
Chandler: Tomorrow I’m going to get married and there is nothing in this world that could possibly have such a huge affect on my life like that.
[Scene: A doctor’s office, Phoebe is there with Monica and Dr. Fedricks has just given Monica some big news.]
Monica: I’m what?
Dr. Fredericks: You’re pregnant.
Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe! Did you hear that?!
Phoebe: He said you’re pregnant!
Monica: He did! (they scream and hug each other) Wait, wait! Dr. Fredericks, say it one more time.
Dr. Fredericks: (confused) You’re pregnant.
(She and Phoebe jump up and scream again.)
Phoebe: God, I can’t wait to see the expression on Chandler’s face when you tell him you’re getting married and having a baby!
(Monica’s expression then changes from a happy look to a worried look.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, Nora is still talking with Monica’s parents as Chandler listens on.]
Nora: …and then after they consummate their relationship, they find out that they are really a long lost brother and sister.
(The Geller’s are visibly disgusted with this story.)
Judy: (not meaning it) How dramatic, I’ve really got to catch that one in bookstores.
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, I’d like you to meet my mom.
(Monica enters.)
Jack: Hi, sweetheart.
Judy: Hey, darling.
Chandler: (walks up to her and gives her a kiss) Hey. So, what did the doctor say?
Monica: The doctor? Oh, um, (thinks) he said it’s just cold feet, y’know, nothing to worry about.
Nora: Oh, that’s great. Hey, y’know, before I married with my fourth husband I…
Chandler: Mom please, I don’t think everyone in the world needs to hear this story.
Judy: Monica, why don’t you sit down here with us and let’s chat.
Monica: Sure Mom, I just need to speak to Chandler alone for a second. (to Chandler) Honey, may I see you in my bedroom, please?
Chandler: Sure.
(They both walk into her bedroom and close the door.)
Chandler: What is it, honey?
Monica: (nervous) Well, you see, um, well I just, I need to say that…
Chandler: Say no more, I know what you’re going to say.
Monica: You do?
Chandler: Yes. Honey, I know you’re really nervous about the wedding but there is no reason to be.
Monica: Well, you see…
Chandler: You’ve been ready to get married your whole life; I’m the one that should be a mess. I mean, we’re getting married and well… it’s you.
Monica: Oh, you’re so sweet. (they hug)
Chandler: Yeah, it’s no problem. It’s just one day and after that there couldn’t be possibly anything in the world that should ever cause us any stress again because we’ll be together. (Monica starts to look worried) Now, was there anything else you wanted to tell me?
Monica: No, I guess not.
Chandler: Okay, now let’s just go and entertain that freaky bunch of people out there.
Monica: (laughing) Okay. I love you. (she hugs him again, but she has the same worried look on her face from earlier)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is present except Chandler and Monica, Phoebe has just told the others the big news.]
Rachel: Oh my God, I can’t believe Monica’s pregnant.
Ross: Oh, this is so great.
Joey: I know, this is so unexpected.
Phoebe: Oh come on, the way the five of you guys sleep around, I’m just surprised that by now Rachel doesn’t have a family of five and that Joey hasn’t developed some type of herpes. (they all stare at her) Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was saying that in my head. So… (trying to change the subject) Hey, what are you guys getting Monica and Chandler for their wedding?
Joey: Oh, check out what I got them. Okay, you guys know how I’ve been taking that ceramics class for the past two months?
Rachel: No.
Ross: You’re taking a ceramics class?
Joey: Yeah. You guys didn’t know that?
All: No!
Joey: Oh, okay, uh, well, I’ve been taking a ceramics class, and hey, check out what I made for Monica and Chandler.
(Joey uncovers a cloth sitting on the table to reveal a big ceramic head of himself and they all gasp.)
Joey: Isn’t it neat?
Ross: It’s, uh, it’s, it’s something Joe.
Joey: I know! I thought I’d give it to Monica and Chandler and they could like stick it on their dresser so that whenever they see it, they can think of me.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Well, now who wouldn’t want your head mounted up on their dresser?
Joey: I know! That’s exactly what I thought!
Phoebe: (meaning it) I’ll take three!
(Monica enters and Joey quickly hides it under the cloth.)
Monica: Hey guys.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: Hey, Mon.
(They all start smiling at her.)
Monica: (to Phoebe) You told them, didn’t you?
Phoebe: Told them what?
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Yeah, I told them.
Rachel: Yeah, hon, congratulations! (they hug)
Monica: Thanks.
Joey: (welling up) Aw man, I think I’m gonna cry. (Phoebe hands him a tissue) Thank you.
Ross: So, Mon, what did Chandler say when you told him he was gonna be a husband and a daddy?
Rachel: Yeah, where is he?
Monica: Well, y’see, he doesn’t exactly know yet.
Rachel: What?
Ross: What? He doesn’t know yet? Go upstairs and tell him.
Monica: I will, just give me some time. I almost told him, it’s just that he’s seems so nervous about the wedding that I’m afraid this would put an awful lot of pressure on him. He’s got this idea that after we’re married all the stress is just gonna go away and a new baby could give him a lot of stress.
Ross: (sarcastic) No, getting married and having a baby won’t change Chandler’s life that much.
Phoebe: Well, what are you gonna do? In a couple of months are ya just gonna tell him you’re getting fat?
Monica: No, I’m going to tell him tonight, I just need to get all our parents out so I can tell him privately. We did say we wanted to have kids someday, so maybe this won’t come as a total shock.
Ross: C’mon, it’s gonna be fine. Finding out you’re a father right before the happiest day of your life wouldn’t shock anyone. (they all look at him) What? I found out I was gonna be a father the day before my finalized divorce papers were mailed to me.
Monica: Well, I hope Chandler will be all right with this.
(She stands up and accidentally drags the cloth with her, forcing the ceramic head to crash on the floor into pieces.)
Joey: No!
Phoebe: Oh my God! You broke Joey Tribbiani’s head! Don’t you know how fragile this man’s head is?
(They all look off into space with that comment.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Ross is there examining the wedding cake as Joey enters from his bedroom.]
Joey: Hey Ross.
Ross: Hey, man.
Joey: Ooh cake! (he runs over to the counter and starts to grab a plate) Okay, start cutting.
Ross: No, Joe, this is Monica and Chandler’s wedding cake, you can’t eat it.
Joey: Ohhh, okay, okay. What’s it doing here?
Ross: Well, the guy just delivered it to Monica and Chandler’s, so I told them that I’ll take it down to the Morgan Chase Museum where they’re getting married and put it in the fridge for tomorrow.
Joey: Well, why are they sending you? Aren’t you having dinner with Monica and Chandler and your parents?
Ross: They didn’t ask, I volunteered. I figured it’s a little tense over there already with Monica going to tell Chandler she’s pregnant and Chandler’s mom… keeps making eyes at me.
Joey: Right, gotcha.
Ross: (closing the cake box) All right, I’m off.
(He picks it up and starts to go out the door when Rachel suddenly enters.)
Rachel: Hey! (she smacks Ross out of the way with the door) Guess what?
Joey: You just crushed Ross?
Rachel: What? (she looks behind the door to reveal Ross who is covered in cake frosting and the box, with the remains of the cake in it lying on the floor) Oh my God!
Ross: What the hell are you doing?!
Rachel: Oh my God, I’m so sorry! What is that all over you?
Ross: Monica and Chandler’s wedding cake, a la Ross. (starts to wipe the frosting off of him)
Rachel: Ohhh! Is it ruined?
Ross: Rachel, whatever isn’t on me, you are stepping on!!
Joey: Don’t worry Ross, I’ll help you clean it up.
Ross: Thanks, man.
(Joey takes a fork and starts eating the bits of cake off of him.)
Joey: Mmmm! Oh my God, this would’ve been great cake! (he continues to eat off of a more than annoyed Ross)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica and Chandler are eating a nice dinner with Monica’s parents and Chandler’s mom.]
Judy: Oh, Monica, this is just delicious, what is in this sauce?
Monica: (hinting to Chandler) Oh, y’know, I just chopped up some baby mushrooms, some baby olives and then I just conceive, oh I’m sorry, I mean proceed to add in some basil leaves taken straight from Mother Earth.
Chandler: Monica?
Monica: (eagerly) Yes?
Chandler: You know I’m allergic to mushrooms.
Monica: Yes, but these aren’t any ordinary type of mushrooms, they are baby mushrooms.
Jack: Monica, is there something wrong?
Monica: No, of course there isn’t, (looking at Chandler) daddy.
Nora: Okay, c’mon, just give Monica a break. All of this excitement about the wedding, I mean, come on, who doesn’t go just a little crazy right before?
Monica: Thank you. So, you understand about all of this?
Nora: Oh, honey, of course I do. Getting married is a very emotional and important moment in a woman’s life. It’s just the feeling that you are going to be with someone and love them forever until the day you die.
Chandler: Isn’t that what my third father said at your guys’ wedding?
Nora: (thinking) Y’know what? I think you’re right. Well, anyway, Monica, it’s still okay. In fact, I behaved very similar after I got married to Chandler’s dad. (laughing) Oh, but then again, I was also pregnant with Chandler at the time.
Chandler: (laughing) Isn’t that silly?
Monica: Yep, hilarious. (takes a huge swig of wine) Well, if everyone is finished with dinner, let me take your plates.
Chandler: No, hon, come on, I’ll do it.
Monica: No-no-no, if I do it, it’ll be much quicker. (starts taking everyone’s plates and just throws them in the sink) All right, I’ve really had a lot of fun. Now, Mom, Dad, Mrs. Bing, I will see you all tomorrow.
Chandler: Honey, honey, relax, okay? They still need to discuss with us the seating arrangements for tomorrow.
Monica: Y’know what? It’s okay, we can figure that out tomorrow when everyone arrives. C’mon, parents, could you just all move out?!
Judy: Monica, what is the matter? Slow down, what is the rush?
Monica: Mom, please, I will talk to you guys later, you just need to leave now.
Jack: No! No, we will not leave until you tell your mother what the problem is.
Monica: Fine, fine. You really want to know what the problem is?! Well, I kind of wanted to do this right with my fiancée, but, fine, if you need to know what my problem is right this very second. Fine, here, swallow this! I’m pregnant, okay? I’m pregnant! (runs to her room, almost in tears) (The four are all in shock as Ross enters, still covered in frosting.)
Ross: Do you guys mind if I use your shower? (They all look at Ross, still in shock over Monica’s news.)
Ross: (at their looks) Okay, fine, I’ll just come back tomorrow. (leaves)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, continued from earlier, Chandler is still standing in the living room, shocked, with his mom and Monica’s parents.]
Chandler: Oh my God. Did you guys hear what she said?
Judy: (overjoyed) She said she’s pregnant! I can’t believe this! I’m gonna be a grandmother… still!
Nora: Oh, I am so happy for you! (hugs a still shocked Chandler)
Jack: Way to go, son.
Chandler: You guys heard her, right?
Judy: Yes, we are just thrilled! Why? Aren’t you?
Chandler: (fake smile) Of course I am. Of course, sure! I am going to get married and I’m gonna have a kid! (stands there in stone silence)
Nora: There something wrong, kiddo?
Chandler: Was that Ross in here covered with pastry?
[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s room, Monica is pacing around the room as Chandler enters, this time with a real smile on his face.]
Chandler: Hi, honey.
Monica: Hi.
Chandler: Are you okay?
Monica: Yes, I’m okay. Are you okay? This is a happy thing, right? You are okay with this, aren’t you?
Chandler: Of course I am, honey. Now, we have two things we can celebrate.
Monica: Well, I just thought that you are so stressed about the wedding that also finding out that you’re gonna be a father might freak you out a little.
Chandler: Oh, it did. It did. But, then I thought a little and I realized, what am I so worried about? I went from having nothing in my life and now I have so many things I can look forward to. Like, sending our kid off to school for the first time, watching him graduate, watching him or her constantly look like fools in front of the opposite sex, because unfortunately my gene is getting stronger. (they both laugh) And then watch our baby get married and have babies of it’s own. And the best of all, the whole time I’ll be doing this with you. (gets closer to her) We’re going to have a baby!
Monica: (tears of happiness) I know! (they hug) Oh, this is going to be so great.
Chandler: It really is. And you know why? Because you are so ready and me, well, I think I’m ready too.
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Yes. (they kiss)
Monica: Oh, I hope it’s a girl so I can just spend all our money to dress her up so pretty.
Chandler: God, I hope it’s a boy. (They both laugh.)
Jack: (at the door) Um, I don’t mean to interrupt, but can we come in now?
Monica: Yes, come on in!
Judy: Oh, sweetheart, congratulations! (hugs her)
Monica: Oh, thanks. I’m so sorry about the way I was acting.
Nora: No problem. Y’know, I remember when I was pregnant with Chandler and I…
Chandler: Mom, we get the picture! [Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is reading a magazine at the counter while Rachel tries to help clean up Ross as Monica and Chandler run in.]
Monica: Hey guys!
Rachel: Oh, hey! So?
Monica: Yes, he knows!
Rachel: (to Chandler) Oh, congratulations, daddy!
Chandler: Thank you.
Joey: Way to go, man!
Chandler: Thanks. (sees Ross) Somebody lost a fight with the marshmallow man.
Monica: Oh God, please tell me that’s someone else’s cake.
Ross: No, sorry, it’s your cake.
Monica: Ohhh! What happened?
Rachel: I kind of got in Ross’s way just a bit.
Ross: Yeah, just a bit.
Monica: Oh great. Where are we going to get another four-tiered wedding cake by tomorrow?
Chandler: It’s okay, honey. We don’t need some perfect cake for our wedding.
Monica: Yes, we do!!
Chandler: Calm down, calm down. It’s okay, it’s probably just those pregnancy hormones kicking in.
Rachel: No, Chandler, I’d like you to meet your fiancée, Monica.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: (sees Ross) Ohh, did Ross lose the snowball fight?
Ross: No, Rachel accidentally got Monica and Chandler’s cake all over me.
Phoebe: Oh, bummer.
Monica: Wait! Phoebe, do you still have your mom’s special wedding cake recipe?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, I think I do. She wanted to be cremated with it, but as soon as they lit the match over her gasoline filled body, I grabbed it from her.
Chandler: Uh, Pheebs, that is not how they cremate people.
Phoebe: (shocked) What? Is that true? (A pause.)
Rachel: No, of course not! Chandler, tell her you were just joking.
Chandler: Uh, yeah, I was just joking. Sorry Pheebs.
Phoebe: Oh, phew. Well, I guess I better start baking.
All: Yay!
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel, could you help me out with it?
Monica: Who, Rachel? No-no-no-no-no, that lady is not going anywhere near my wedding cake.
Chandler: Our wedding cake.
Monica: Chandler, calm down, you can have some.
Rachel: Wait, Monica, why can’t I help bake it? I’m a good cook, right? (Ross giggles.)
Rachel: What? I’m getting grief by pastry boy over here? C’mon, I can help cook it.
Phoebe: Y’know, Rach, I kind of volunteered you so that you can just bring me the ingredients and stuff.
Rachel: Come on, I can cook.
Monica: Rach, remember that lemon meringue pie you made me?
Rachel: Yeah, what was wrong with it?
Monica: I didn’t eat it, I drank it!
Rachel: Okay, fine, so I have made one mistake or two, but I’m a lot better now. Ross, remember that cheesecake I made us for our six-month anniversary?
Ross: Oh, mmmm. (rubs his stomach) (whispers to Joey) Sometimes at night I still have nightmares about it. [Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, Phoebe is in the kitchen with a chef’s hat on reading through her mother’s recipe when Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey Pheebs. Oh, cool hat, I didn’t know you were dating Chef Boyardee.
Phoebe: What are you talking about? Oh, you mean Chuck who lives downstairs? No, I never did. I dated his husband once though.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Phoebe: Do you want me to go into the details or are you ready to cook a damn cake?!
Rachel: All right, all right. (runs into the kitchen) Sorry, Pheebs. (puts on an apron) All right, where do we begin?
Phoebe: Well, first of all, that’s not an apron anymore; I used it for a blanket that my iguana died on.
Rachel: (throws it off) Ew! Ew!
Phoebe: Yeah, grab that apron on the counter there.
Rachel: (does so) All right. (putting it on) Hey Pheebs, when did you have an iguana?
Phoebe: Well, you see, when I dumped Chuck’s husband and… What the hell am I telling you this for?! Get over here and help me with this cake!
Rachel: All right!
Phoebe: Sorry for yelling. Been having bad vibes today.
Rachel: Ah. Okay, so what do we do first?
Phoebe: (looking at the directions) Okay, go over and preheat the oven to 350, and then get me some flour, some salt, some sugar, some baking soda, vanilla extract, vinegar, oil and some yeast.
Rachel: (looking up from an edition of Cosmopolitan she found on the counter) I’m sorry, what? [Scene: Ross’s apartment, Ross’s doorbell rings and Ross enters from the bathroom wearing a robe and drying his hair with a towel and opens the door to Chandler.]
Ross: Hey man, what’s going on?
Chandler: Have you seen Monica’s wedding ring? She was here with it earlier, it’s gotta be here somewhere.
Ross: Hey, man, relax. It’s right here. (takes the ring out of a table drawer)
Chandler: (relieved) Oh, thank God. What was it doing there?
Ross: You gave it to me to take care of for tomorrow.
Chandler: I did?
Ross: Yeah, ya did.
Chandler: Oh, that’s good. (sits down in relief)
Ross: Are you okay, man?
Chandler: Yeah, I’m okay. Why?
Ross: Because it’s ten o’clock at night and you haven’t blinked once since you’ve been here.
Chandler: Well, I started to go to sleep, but all that I could do was think about if everything is all ready for tomorrow.
Ross: You’ve been living with Monica too long. C’mon, man, just relax, tomorrow is just one day and nothing’s gonna go wrong, you’ll be fine. (realizes something) Wow.
Chandler: What?
Ross: I just realized that you said the exact thing to me before I married Emily.
Chandler: Yeah, and now you’re single. You see, that’s what I’m worried about. None of our weddings have ever been normal in the past. What makes everyone think this one will be?
Ross: It will. I mean, look at you guys. You guys are so ready to get married. You’ve waited a whole year after your engagement instead of just a whole month, which has given you two plenty of time to study each others name for the big day, and you both have known and respected each other for over ten years. Face it, you’re not only gaining a wife, you’re taking a solid oath to be best friends forever.
Chandler: Wow, that really did make me feel better.
Ross: Really?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Well, I got that all from this book. (holds up a book that reads Marriage For Dummies) After you get a third divorce, they give it to you for free. [Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, Phoebe is reading a book at her counter and Rachel has fallen asleep with her head on top of it.]
Phoebe: (putting her book down) Hey, Rach? Rachel? (she doesn’t move) RACHEL!!!!!
Rachel: (jumping up) What?! What?!
Phoebe: Sorry, you started to fall asleep.
Rachel: So?!
Phoebe: Nobody sleeps until this cake is ready!
Rachel: Oh, c’mon Pheebs, the cake is in the oven. Can I just go home now? It’s almost eleven.
Phoebe: No! No, you cannot leave until the cake is done. That way, if it turns out horrible, I’ve got someone to put blame on.
Rachel: Well, that sucks.
Phoebe: You think so? Yeah, so did Chuck. I think maybe that’s what turned him gay. (looks into space) Man, he was fine. (The timer goes off.)
Rachel: Yes! The cake’s done! Later, Pheebs. (starts to leave)
Phoebe: Hey, you get your ass back here Rachel Green! We have to check it first.
Rachel: (to herself) Please let it be okay, please let it be okay. (Phoebe opens the oven and gasps.)
Rachel: What’s wrong? What’s wrong? (Phoebe takes out a big nicely made cake.)
Phoebe: Voila!
Rachel: Oh my God! It looks great! I can’t believe it. It doesn’t bubble or anything.
Phoebe: Yes, well done!
Rachel: Aw, thanks. Well, I guess I should go home and get some sleep for the big day tomorrow.
Phoebe: Wait, Rach, you can’t go.
Rachel: Why not? The cake’s done.
Phoebe: No, now we need to make the frosting. (Rachel looks deeply annoyed.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the next morning Chandler is in his tux pacing around the room as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Joey, why aren’t you dressed yet? As soon as Ross gets here we gotta drive down to the museum.
Joey: Yeah, I know, just a quick question first.
Chandler: Fine, shoot.
Joey: If Garfield is a cat that can talk, why doesn’t his owner just go and make some money off of him. (As Chandler’s about to answer, Rachel enters from Monica’s room wearing her brides maid outfit.)
Rachel: Hey! Joey, why aren’t you dressed yet?! You guys need to leave pretty soon!
Chandler: Well, Joey’s trying to solve a major dilemma!
Joey: Yes! Hey Rachel, if Garfield can talk, why doesn’t his owner just make money off of him?
Rachel: Well, you see, Garfield doesn’t actually talk. The little bubble over his head just shows what he’s thinking.
Joey: Yes, that’s what I thought at first, but I found that…
Chandler: Will you guys forget about the damn cat?! Joey, just go and get dressed.
Joey: Fine, you don’t have to be so mean about it. Geeze! (leaves)
Rachel: Okay, Chandler, you need to get out of here. Monica is in there and you can’t see the bride before the ceremony.
Chandler: Okay, that’s fine. Will you give her a kiss for me?
Rachel: Yeah, you’d love that wouldn’t you? [Cut to Joey and Rachel’s, Chandler has just walked in to see Phoebe who is dressed up.]
Phoebe: Hey Chandler.
Chandler: Hey Pheebs. Hey, whatcha doin’ over here? Shouldn’t you be helping out the girls?
Phoebe: Oh no, I needed to help Joey get ready; he couldn’t button up his pants.
Joey: (yelling from his room) It’s hard for some people!
Chandler: (noticing the cake box on the counter) Hey, is this the cake?
Phoebe: Yeah, check it out. (she opens the box to reveal a beautifully decorated cake with flowers and a little bride and groom on top) Ta-da!
Chandler: Oh Pheebs, it’s beautiful!
Phoebe: I know.
Ross: (entering in a tux) Hey guys. Oh, hey, is that the cake?
Chandler: No-no, this is our friend Jean. She thought she’d be judged by this bride and groom on her forehead. I guess she was right. (Rachel enters suddenly, again slamming the door into Ross making him trip head first into the cake.)
Rachel: Hey guys, Monica is… (sees what she did) Oh my God! Oh my God!
Ross: You guys need a lock for that door! (Joey suddenly enters from his bedroom with a fork.)
Joey: Did I hear a cake fall?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God, Ross, I am so sorry.
Phoebe: Oh! Do you know how many hours it took us to make that cake?!
Rachel: Yes, I was there!
Ross: What are we gonna do about my tux? It’s ruined!
Phoebe: Ooh! I think I might still have mine from when I was a magician.
Joey: Pheebs, you were a magician?
Phoebe: There’s so much you guys don’t know.
Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, go hurry up and go get your tux for Ross. Ross, go clean yourself up and Rachel, help Monica get ready and get down there in a taxi as soon as you can. Me and Joey will go down to the museum to seat the guests and make sure everything is ready. Okay, everybody move it! Move it!
Rachel: Wow, when did you become Mr. Boss Man all of a sudden?
Chandler: I have no idea.
Phoebe: Okay, but, what are we gonna do about the cake?
Chandler: Eh, forget the cake, the museum’s got plenty of salad for all. (They all move out.)
[Scene: The Morgan Chase Museum, the area for the ceremony is all decorated with flowers and a lot of chairs, some guests have already arrived and Jack and Judy Geller are standing on the side as Joey and Chandler enter.]
Chandler: Hey Mr. and Mrs. Geller.
Judy: Hello Chandler. Where is everybody? The ceremony is going to start in a little over a half hour.
Chandler: Yes, we know. Ross and Phoebe are on their way and Rachel’s still at the apartment getting Monica ready.
Joey: Yeah, we would’ve been here sooner, but we needed to stop to put gas in the Porsche.
Chandler: Yes, and also pick up a sandwich. (glares at Joey)
Joey: I was hungry!
Jack: Oh, so you guys came in Monica’s Porsche? Ah, I remember when that was my Porsche. (sighs)
Judy: Give it up, Jack.
Chandler: So, is everyone here?
Judy: Oh, pretty much. Your mother called and said that she’s on her way and there’s also a young lady over there that insists that she stay.
Chandler: Oh, really? Who?
Janice: (from behind him) Oh… my… God!
Chandler: (closes his eyes and taps his feet together) There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.
Janice: Oh, you. (does her laugh)
Chandler: Hi, Janice. Very nice to see you. Uh, Janice, I thought we discussed that because of those feelings I still have for you that it would be too emotional if you came to my wedding.
Janice: Oh feelings, smeelings! I am not gonna miss my little Bingaling get married. Besides, I’m here with a date. (sees Ross come in) Hi Ross. (does her laugh)
Ross: (not very enthused) Hey Janice.
Chandler: (to Ross) Uh, best man #1, may I have a word with you for a moment?
Ross: My pleasure. Excuse me, Janice.
Janice: Hurry back, cupcake. (does her laugh, yet again)
Chandler: (to Ross) Cupcake? Ross, please tell me you’re not…
Ross: Oh no-no-no, you see, um, I can explain. Well, I ran into Janice at the coffee shop the other day and we somehow got to talking about your wedding. And, well, one thing led to another and… she had me in a headlock until I agreed to take her to the wedding.
Chandler: Great! This is just great. This is what’s going to ruin my wedding. As soon as I’m at the isle with Monica, she is going to start singing and some angel somewhere is going to tear off it’s wings!
Ross: Chandler, calm down. Calm down, I promise you everything is going to be fine.
Chandler: Okay, I guess you’re right.
Ross: Of course I’m right. Here, have some flowers. (pulls some flowers out of his tux) Oh, and hey, have some… (looks in a pocket)… pigeon poop. [Cut to the refreshments table, Phoebe serves herself some punch as Joey comes up to her.]
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Rachel and Monica here yet?
Phoebe: No, I don’t think so. Don’t worry, they’ll get here.
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: (notices something) Hey, is that marinara sauce on your jacket?
Joey: Huh? (sees it) Aw, man. (grabs a napkin) I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that sandwich on the way over her. Damn the inventor of the meatball sub! (starts to wipe it)
Phoebe: No, Joey, you’re spreading it all over yourself. (starts to help him, but spills punch all over his shirt) Oh!
Joey: Oh, great.
Phoebe: Sorry, I’m so sorry! Now what are you supposed to wear?
Joey: I don’t know, but I can’t wear this anymore. I’m gonna go see where I can wash up or something.
Phoebe: All right.
Joey: Okay. (passes by the minister who happens to be a woman) Oh, hey, how you doin’? (Chandler walks by and smacks him on the back of the head.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is running around trying to get Monica ready, who’s in her dress and sitting on the couch.]
Rachel: All right, honey, we have got to hurry up. Where are your shoes?
Monica: Um, they’re on my bed.
Rachel: All right. I’ll get them. (she runs to get them and returns) Okay, we are ready to go.
Monica: Uh, can we just stay her for a sec? My stomach’s kind of bothering me.
Rachel: Yeah, sure, we can just cool down here for a sec. (sits down) So, what’s wrong? You got morning sickness?
Monica: Yeah, I guess so. I don’t know.
Rachel: You want some saltines or something?
Monica: (visibly upset) No, no thank you, I’m good.
Rachel: Monica, are you all right?
Monica: Yeah, I’ll be okay.
Rachel: Nervous about the wedding?
Monica: Yeah, that’s probably it.
Rachel: (looks at her watch) Well, Mon, I’m sorry hon, but we have got to go! (Rachel starts to walk out, but Monica stops her.)
Monica: I got my period last night. (Rachel suddenly stops and walks back in.)
Rachel: What?
Monica: I got my period last night.
Rachel: Honey, what are you talking about? You’re pregnant!
Monica: (worried) I know.
Rachel: We have got to call the doctor.
Monica: No-no, we can’t. We can’t. It’s all right, I am going to go to the doctor after this whole wedding thing is out of the way. I don’t want to worry Chandler, he’s got enough stress to deal with today. Let’s just go.
Rachel: Oh, please, but honey, I seriously think that we should…
Monica: No! Okay? I need to go and get married.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, honey, it’s your choice.
Monica: Okay. Then, we should go.
Rachel: All right. Fine. Where’s your jacket?
Monica: It’s in my room.
Rachel: Okay, I’ll go get it. (she goes) (Monica starts to walk towards the door but then stops and feels her stomach in pain and loses her balance and gets down on her knees.)
Monica: Rachel!! Rachel!!
Rachel: (reentering) What? Oh my God!
Monica: (in pain) Call an ambulance or something. I can’t walk! (Rachel runs to the phone and starts dialing.) [Scene: The Morgan Chase Museum, Joey is there wiping the punch off his shirt when a woman who works there hands him a phone.]
Woman: Uh, mister. I think there’s someone on the phone for you. It’s Rachel.
Joey: Oh, thanks. (takes the phone) Hello?
[Cut to where the ceremony is being held, Chandler and Ross are sitting together.]
Chandler: (looks at his watch) Where could they be?
Ross: Maybe we should try calling them. (They stand up, but Joey suddenly runs in.)
Joey: Hey, you guys. We gotta hurry. They just took Monica to County Hospital. They think there’s something wrong with the baby.
(The camera pans to a close-up of a shocked Chandler as the picture fades to black.)
Closing Credits
(There is no closing credits scene, just a cliffhanger for my intended season premiere of season eight. I’ll try to have it out as soon as possible. Hope you enjoyed it! Don’t forget, feedback: j.bag@home.com)