The One With The Beatles

Written by: Regis Philibert


[Scene: Monica & Rachel’s, the whole gang is there except Phoebe and Rachel who’s still sleeping in her room. Joey and Chandler breakfast as Ross is watching TV and Monica dishes.]

Ross: (watching the screen in disgusts) Oh god, this is not human?

Chandler: Whoa-what are you watching?

Ross: Fashion TV.

(the three of them stay stunned )

Chandler: What’s the matter, it’s because you can’t touch’em or...

Ross: Those women, that’s the problem!

Joey: Oh, the women, Yeah... (turn to Monica, amazed)

Ross: Look at them, these are not women, these are wires. I mean get the hell out of my sister’s TV you anorexic! I mean, thinking they're spoiling their youth with wanting to be... (disgusted) That.

Monica: What a sad youth they must have went through... (jumping back away from the sink) Haaaa!

Chandler: Wha-wha-what? What’s going on!

Monica: A black beetle, a huge disgusting beetle.

Joey: Oh, come on, (he stands up and go to see it) Hello, hello, little bug. (takes it)

Monica: Joey!

Chandler: Let it go!

Joey: Oh, men it’s just a bug. A bit big but... Uh... still a bug.

(Rachel rushes out of her room, wearing only a sheet.)

Rachel: Haaaa, Haaa, God you won’t believe if I tell what I slept with.

(Ross is about to say something but she interrupts him)

Rachel: A beetle. I was waking up and it was on my body; (disgusted and yelling) Hooo,

Joey: (talking to his beetle) Oh, oh, looks like someone missed a threesome last night.


[Scene: Chandler & Joey’s, Joey is there, so bored that he’s playing tennis with the wall with his hands as rackets.]

(the sound of the door opening interrupts Joey in his game. Ashamed of his boredom he jumps on one of the chair, but falls beside it and stays with his legs above him.. The ball hits the wall and flies back to Chandler’s face as he enters. He looks at him with fear)

Joey: (Moving his raised legs) Touchdown. (he stands back as Ross enters behind Chandler.)

Sorry I don’t work. By the way someone called Patsy just called for you.

Chandler: (surprised) Patsy ?

Joey: Yeah, she said you were in the same high school.

Ross: NO? Chandler! Can you... oh, Patsy Shrimp?

(Chandler doesn’t say a word.)

Joey: (amused) Why did you guys call her this way ?

Ross: Because the teachers did!

Joey: No? Even the teachers nicknamed...

Chandler: (interrupting angrily) Oh, it was her name.

Joey: (surprised by Chandler’s behavior) Oh.

Ross: I can’t believe, Chandler can you?

Chandler: No. Did she say anything more?

Joey: That she were in town. (pause) What’s the matter with you.

Chandler: In high school...

Ross: (interrupting) I remember her little rat face with her large glasses..

Chandler: (interrupting) Ross.

Ross: She was like y’know this little mouse.

Chandler: Ross.

Ross: Y’know there were a sequel in western.

Chandler: I was in love with her.

Ross: (stunned) You, were... No, nobody... I mean. Shrimp?

(Joey doesn’t understand Ross’ words but then does)

Joey: Oh, the girl.

Chandler: Yes I was. We started to date and then we... oh, men I can’t believe it.

Joey: Then you should be happy. Men, I mean she was... Ross?

Ross: D’you want us to leave you alone.

Joey: Yeah, you look weird.

(Chandler does look weird. They start to leave as Chandler goes to his room.)

Joey: (to Ross) Oh, It was Fievel. You know, your ugly girl, she looked like F...

(he’s hit in the back of his head by a the tennis ball)

Chandler: (yelling in fear) TOUCHDOWN !

(Joey and Ross leaves in hurry)

[Scene: Monica & Rachel’s, All the girls are there making the dishes. They form a chain. Monica washes, Phoebe dries, and Rachel eases on the table.]

Monica: (washing a plate, despaired) We... (hands it to Phoebe)

Phoebe: (drying it) Love... (hands to Rachel)

Rachel: (putting it on the table) It...

(they go on with the dishes)

Monica: We...

Phoebe: Love...

Rachel: It...

Monica: (seeing another beetle in the sink) Heee!

Phoebe: Loves...

Rachel: It...

Monica: Ok, this is the last one I see in my entire life.

Rachel: And what are you gonna do?

Monica: I’m gonna call Treeger.

Phoebe: The maintenance guy? D’you really think he can handle that.

Rachel: At least he’ll know what to do or who to call.

(Ross and Joey enter)

Both: Hey!

Rachel: Hi

Monica: Shhh... (takes the phone and dial) (on the phone) Hi, Mr. Treeger, It’s Monica Geller. I got... (listens) Oh sorry. Ok, so ‘how are you?’ (listens, inpatient) Cool, here, I got a big bug problem. (listens) Beetles. Black Beetles. I though you could give us the name of a... (listens) Oh, you can handle this? (to the gang) He handles this. (on the phone) Well thank you. This is... (listens) Ok, I said I was sorry, I’ll say how are you each time I’ll see you now. I promise. (to the gang) He hanged up!

Joey: I can understand judging by the way you talked to him.

Monica: What?

Rachel: You didn’t ask how he was.

Monica: Did you guys found I was rude

Ross: Not particularly but, It’s his call. So try to be a bit nicer.

Joey: Any news about Chandler?

Rachel: No, we didn’t see him since this morning. Why?

Ross: Nothing... Ok, one of his ex is in town. And he’s all wretched about that.

Joey: Yeah! And he hit with a ball. He's all disturbed about this Shrimp.

Rachel: Is it...

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: He even confuses Fievel with a toon called... Touchdown or something

(there are several powerful knocks on the door. Monica opens. Here stands Treeger. He’s wearing some fishing boots covering till his thighs and is carrying on his back a vacuum-cleaner and hold the tip in his left hand. Some big protection glasses cover his eyes.)

Monica: (surprised) Hey, thanks for coming.

Phoebe: From so far.

(he ignores them, enters the room and looks around)

Mr. Treeger: Ok, everybody gets the hell out of here right now.

All: Oh, sorry, How do you do, how d’you do?

Mr. Treeger: I need the place to be empty of all human beings. This is not gonna be fun in here.

(they all leaves without saying a word. He turns on the vacuum as everybody turns to him in fear.)

[Scene: Chandler & Joey's, Everybody’s entering, as Chandler gets out from his room.]

Phoebe: Hey! Why aren’t we here all of us more often.

(Chandler and Joey rush on their chairs. Ross and Rachel Jump on the stools near the counter as Monica groans finding out there is no seat left.)

Phoebe: Ok .Think I get it.

Rachel: (showing a plate with cookie and a glass of milk.) Oh, Santa didn’t come this year again Uh?

Chandler: Oh, it’s just that I don’t feel like eating by this times.

Monica: Come on Chan, is this still about the... (smiling amused) Shrimp. (laughs)

Chandler: (serious) Yes!

Monica: I’m sorry. (pause) Ok, what’s happened with her. No woman never turned you like this before.

Chandler: It’s... she... OK, she’s the first one I ever fell in love with. I mean really. This is my... First love.

Rachel & Monica: Oh, Chan!

Rachel: This is so sweet. I. Oh.

Chandler: Ok, you stop doing this, both of you. I’m not a kid asking his mother in marriage alright. It’s just that...

Ross: Was it that your... Other first time?

Joey: Oh, men that was the first thing to say. (tapes him as support)

Chandler: NO, no. Here is the big deal. I mean, I really loved her and all. And we never dared go further. We kissed, touched and... (searching the good words)

Joey: (surprised) Fell or something?

Monica: But even, Chandler, you got to forget her, now that...

Ross: (interrupting) She’s in town?

Monica: I try to help here OK.

Chandler: You know what? You’re right. Forgot. She's forgotten Let’s make something constructive here.

Phoebe: Oh (checking in the fridge) I guess this is another reason of our "never getting here".

Ross: Let's... watch TV, alright?

Joey: (taking the remote) Alright. (pushes the button) Hey look up, beautiful babes for hungry Channy on Fashion TV.

Ross: Oh, please, come on.

Chandler: (taping Joey’s shoulder) Love you man! (to Ross) So Ross, I’ve heard you liked bones.

(cut to Monica & Rachel’s, Mr. Treeger is here hunting the beetles. He smashes them, and after, he vacuums them as the vacuum cleaner makes a strange noise: Fhomp)

Mr. Treeger: Hey, look like no one’s troubling young girls anymore Uh...

(smashing sound)

Vacuum: Fhomp

Mr. Treeger: And we’re on the fifth... (he bends down the vacuum and release the bag from it and throws it into Monica's bedroom) Bag.

(cut to Chandler &Joey's)

Rachel: (Watching TV) Oh, gosh, I’d love to have this butt. (Monica nods in agreement)

Ross: What’s wrong with your...

Monica: To kick it, Ross!

Ross: Oh.

Joey: (pointing the screen) Hey Barb Wire.

Ross: Pamela Anderson?

Joey: Noooooh!

Ross: Oh (disgusted) Oh, enough is enough.

(He starts to leave the place but hears a new beetle smashing and vacuuming. He turns back and go to Chandler’s room.)

Mr. Treeger: (entering) Ok, half job done. Now comes the stinky dangerous part. So remember (Puts back his huge glasses on his nose) No one enters.(he leaves)

All: (amused) Oh, all right.

Ross: (Stepping out of the room holding a picture, surprised) Chan, I can’t believe you’ve kept a picture of her.

Chandler: (embarrassed) Actually, I just... Uh... put it off a few minutes...

Joey: (interrupting) Oh-oh-oh, show me that! (takes the picture) Whoa, I never saw... (starting to laugh) Such a shrimp. (gets the giggles) I mean her parents are called like that just because... They must be shrimps!

(Ross laughs with him)

Rachel: Joey! (takes the picture, starts to laugh but manages to control herself.) You? Chandler Bing, just really fell in love with a girl not only for appearance.

Ross: But for her taste!

(Ross and Joey, hysterically laugh now.)

Joey: Saucy too!

Chandler: (angrily) Gimme that! (he takes the picture and hold it against his chest)

Monica & Rachel: Oh!

(chandler throws it away and glares at them.)

(the buzzer buzzes)

Phoebe: (to the buzzer) Buzzzz too.

Buzzer: What? Who’s that? Are you living here?

Phoebe: No, I’m just a friend.

Buzzer: Oh, is Chandler here?

Chandler: (standing up frighten) Oh, god it’s Patsy!

Phoebe: (covering the speaker with her hand) Do I let her up?

Chandler: No, no-no-no-no!

Rachel & Monica: Yes, of course Phoebe!

Phoebe: Ok, for... Love. (pushes) Welcome up.

Chandler: Oh, what am I gonna do.

Rachel: Just be yourself.

Chandler: Myself, would be fleeing from New York by know.

Rachel: Then just be the good Chandler. (she checked if he’s Ok.) You’re perfect.

Ross: Hey man, we’re there, the male friends. (giving him the thumb) We’ll be supportive.

Joey: (pointing the screen) Full breasts!

(Ross turns to TV, forgetting Chandler problem.)

(Chandler glares at him and goes for open the door. He sees nobody and come back to wait her inside. He sees the admiring looks of Rachel and Monica and turns back to wait for her outside. A little brunette comes from the stairs. She’s not that ugly but definitely looks weird.)

Patsy: Chandler?

Chandler: (turning to her) Pa-Patsy.

Patsy: Hi!

Chandler: Hey.

Patsy: So, Uh.. How do you do?

Chandler: Well, fine. (pause) By the way... (attempt to start a real conversation but resigns) Thank you.

Patsy: It’s just that I thought about you yesterday.

(Chandler looks surprised)

Patsy: I just bumped my head and... Y’know "Bing"

Chandler: (nodding) Yeah, yeah.

Patsy: (embarrassed) We got such weird names.

Chandler: Our first common point.

Patsy: And first conversation, d’you remember?

Chandler: Yes, right...

(they look for a word to say a few seconds more and both decide to stop the wait. They kiss each other.)


[Scene: The hall, continuing from earlier. Chandler and Patsy are still kissing.]

Patsy: (talking while kissing) How stupid... We were,... All this... (she interrupted by a strange sound coming from the girls apartment. She breaks the hug.) What was that.

Chandler: Don’t stop. We... I mean. We had a lot of stuff planned and I think...

Patsy: (interrupting) D’you really think I just came because of a head bumping. (she kisses him)

Chandler: Oh... Oh...Ok, which place?

Patsy: Are you kidding?

Chandler: (blocking the door of his apartment with his spread arms) No... As you’ve heard I got some company.

Patsy: Are you...

Chandler: No, just a couple of friends.

Patsy: You know I’d like to meet your friends.

Chandler: (dragging her into the girls apartment) Yeah, Yeah...

(they enter and cover their nose from the blue fog floating in the place. Treeger is bent behind the couch and can’t see them. They tiptoe into Monica's room. They then urgently rush out of it mouthing some screams of disgusts as they go to Rachel's room.)

[Scene: Chandler & Joey’s, everyone except Chandler’s here. The TV is now turned off.]

Joey: Come on Ross what are you playing at?

Ross: (holding the remote.) Stop acting like a kid.

Joey: But if you want me to be a man: Let me see babes... (he’s again interrupted by a beetle smashing)

Monica: Oh, I can’t bear it anymore. Those little bugs. Savagely exterminated by... A vacuum cleaner.

Rachel: Come on, you didn’t feel one of those on you’re body while you were sleeping. Believe me Monica, vacuum is ways too much smooth for this smut. If I were Treeger I would just use a broom to squash them and then drown them in the sink.

Monica: Rachel!

Rachel: What, oh, it was so (disgusted) Whoa... Disgusting. It climbed up my foot and my ankle, then he reached my knee, my thigh and... (she breaks off, finding that the boys are too much paying attention of her words) Show’s over.

Joey: ( to Ross) Now I definitely got to see them. Let me... (he jumped on Ross and grab his ears with his two hands. Ross throws the remote away and Joey rushes on it.)

Ross: (unbelieving what just happened) (to the girls) KID!

Monica: Where can they be? He didn’t even take his coat. And wasn’t he wearing slippers?

Phoebe: Yes, and then? When love calls, love calls. (her phrase is conclude by a new bug death sound)

Monica: Yeah, but believe me it wouldn’t call a slippers wearing man.

Rachel: I don’t know where he can be.

(Joey and Ross turn to them amazed by their ignorance.)

Ross & Joey: He’s having sex.

Monica: Oh, yeah. (yelling to them) On the roof.

Joey: When sex calls, sex calls. You’ll never believe me if I tell you I already done that on a roof.

All: Oh yes we will.

Rachel: Y’know, if they wanted to do it but couldn’t. I mean... this is time. I can’t believe they didn’t do it. I mean, when you’re in love... you-you go for it. She was not that ugly, a bit weird but, he dated more awful. He’s even like the champion of... the weird dates

Monica: Is Rachel Green saying that?

Rachel: What?

Monica: Oh, nothing. (she turns away and suddenly turns back to Rachel) JAMES ROLLING BOWL!

Rachel: Oh, how can you? It was just a week.

Joey: Did they all got such ridiculous names or...

Monica: (interrupting) It was his nickname Joey.

Joey: Oh (he starts laughing like a kid)

Monica: You know Sipowitz from NYPD Blue? You got the guy.

(everybody laughs)

Rachel: Pfff! And then. It’s a cop. (to Joey, who is still laughing) Oh, oh, easy from you. You didn’t always got the prettiest you know. (to all) Remember the basket girl.

Joey: I don’t date athlete.

Rachel: (laughing) Oh, not an athlete, the one who actually made fruit basket.

Joey: Me-Me-Melanie?

Rachel: Melanie, with her front teeth showing up. (she does her, putting her teeth forward, and taking high pitched voice) We call ourselves... The three basketeers!

Joey: Oh, come on she was not... (he stops noticing they’re all nodding yes) Well Monica dated an old man!

All: Ohhh.

Rachel: Joey, how can you, you adored him.

Joey: (regretting) (acting like a kid) Yeah... You win.

Monica: And,-and this is the inside that matters. You know, not the outside. Then let's talk about Phoebe's shrink.

Rachel: Oh, I hated this one.

Ross: Ooooh, Yeah.

Joey: Uh... Not good, not good.

Monica: Hairy and all.

Phoebe: OK! I think we all got the point. I did nothing to you.

Monica: You're right we all let suck into this mean game. I'm sorry.

Rachel: Me too.

Phoebe: Ooo-ooo, Rachel dated Paolo, Rachel dated Paolo.

(they all stare at her, not understanding)

Rachel: But, he was cute, wasn't he.

Phoebe: (still amused) Yeah! Sorry, I didn't get the rules.

[Scene: Rachel's room, Chandler and Patsy, have just done it. They're both laid in the bed.]

Patsy: I think the right word to express myself is: "Bing...

Chandler: ...The shrimp is done".

Patsy: (laughing) Oh, I remember now why I loved you, you were so funny. (she hugs him) By the way why did you love me?

Chandler: (embarrassed) Well, y'know, it's like something you don't know. You're in love and... Hop, you're in love.

Patsy: Yeah, but still. There must have been something.

Chandler: (very embarrassed) Pfff, the way you smiled?

Patsy: What?, Channy I wore a brace..

(he definitely doesn't know why he loved her and try to make up something when Treeger came in.)

Mr. Treeger: Hey, what are you doing there.

(Patsy screams in fear seeing his suit)

Chandler: Uh... U...

Mr. Treeger: Well, I know what you were doing, but you shouldn't, Y'know. You're not supposed to expose too much of your body to this bug killer. You're gonna get sick or something.

Patsy: Totally worth it! (she jumps on Chandler and kisses him.

Chandler: I think I know why I loved you for

Patsy: (kissing) What? My spontaneity?

Chandler: (kissing) No, the brace.

[Scene: Chandler & Joey's, the rest of the gang is still there.]

Joey: Ok, maybe it's alright now. He must have done. It's been like five minutes we didn't hear the... Sound.

Rachel: (serious) Yeah, I miss it.

Monica: Oh, Rachel, the bug just climbed on something pink and smooth, he didn't wanted to rape you or something. You wouldn't start to kill every dog, if one licked you foot. Would you?

Rachel: No! You're right, and you know what? All the bugs I'll see from now, will be savagely and passionately kissed by my sole. (she stamps down the floor with her foot, and does the sound of long passionate kiss)

Joey: Hey, you can't say that. They're so sweet an all, I mean. Ask Phoebe, she's the one that can convince you.

(Phoebe looks embarrassed)

Monica: Yeah, Pheebs, say how the world rules to this bug... Kisser.

Phoebe: (still embarrassed) Well, I'm not sure this... Y'know each one can think the way he feels the... Oh... Ok, I hate bugs.

Ross: What?!

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: What? I love cows, foxes, and frogs. I would give my life to a horse or even a donkey, I even caressed a snake once and I got bitten, but did I become mad at them for it, Nooooo!

I mean I protect the nature any way I can, I go to meeting I prevent myself from eating meat or fish and... I let you eat it. So please give me a break with bugs, I hate 'em since I'm a kid. I mean... (with a lunatic behavior) I would eat every Bugburgers, if MacDonald made some.

Ross: sorry Pheebs, we didn't want to...

Monica: Yeah sorry.

Joey: Sorry.

Phoebe: Oh, it's alright. But you know this... must be another reason to not come in here all together.

Monica: (to phoebe) Sorry again.

Rachel: (to phoebe) Thanks.


[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Rachel, Monica, and Joey are there. Rachel is in the kitchen. Monica is emptying her room of the vacuum bags. Joey is playing with a bug]

Monica: (Crossing the apartment, carrying a bag) Heuuu... I can't believe he chose my room.

Rachel: Maybe cos you're the one who loves those little cutie night rapists.

Joey: Hey cutie one, smile to Uncle Joey. Yeah! He smiled!

(Chandler enters)

Rachel: So how is she?

Chandler: She's gonna be fine, she just caught a strange thing from the bugs, but it's easily healable. The point is that it makes her totally blush you know. I mean red.

Joey: (starting to laugh) Like a... Like a...

(Chandler comes to him ant strikes his hands so he drops the beetle.)

Joey: Hey!

(he rises his foot and violently smashes it. (Joey stays stunned.)

Chandler: Smashed beetle?

(Rachel does the sound of a kiss)