Friends
A Script by BSW
The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Blab
Scene - Girl’s apartment
(Rachel, Monica and Ross)
Ross - What are you eating?
Rachel - A fish finger sandwich. Want some?
Ross - No!
Monica - Rachel? It’s eight in the morning. How can you eat that?
Rachel - Well, I open my mouth and chew. But now I know why you’ve lost so much weight since high school. You forgot how to eat!
Monica - Ha ha. How’s the project going?
Rachel - Slowly.
Ross - What project?
Rachel - I get to spend three weeks of my life researching maternity wear. If I do well, I’ll be doing it until I’m 60.
Ross - Sounds good.
Chandler - Oh my God!
Joey - What?
Chandler - It’s disgusting!
Ross - What is?
Joey - Chandler saw me watching TV.
Rachel - So?
Chandler - So? So??? It was a nature documentary on lions. They were killing animals and eating them.
Monica - What’s so wrong with that?
Chandler - Joey was sat there eating a beef burger whilst watching animals being killed at 8am!
Joey - Watching dying animals makes me hungry!
Rachel - OK. Sandwich being put in the bin!
Credits
Scene - Central Perk
{Late that evening}
(All of the gang)
Rachel - I hate my job!
Monica - Why now?
Rachel - I’ve spent six hours today speaking with expectant mothers about what their favourite materials are!
Joey - You see, cause mine would have to be Plastic and Aluminium.
Phoebe - My day was worse. I had to deal with this big, ugly bald guy who was complaining that we don’t sell sex.
Chandler - Well, I had a great day! I skipped off work and watched Baywatch videos all day!
Rachel - They aren’t real, Chandler.
Chandler - But it’s the closest I’m gonna get to any real ones!
Monica - I had my Mom phone me today. She gave me the usual lecture on how I should be married.
Rachel - Is it just me, or are we turning into our parents?
Ross - What do you mean?
Rachel - We’re competing to see who’s had the worst day!
Chandler - Next thing you know, we’ll be having kids, losing weight, buying our own businesses and having sex with each other!
Joey - Or we could be really sad and spend all day in front of the television watching videos!
Ross - No. That’ll never happen to us.
(They all look at one another and realise that they’ve just described themselves)
Scene - Girls’ Apartment
(Ross, Monica and Joey are in the living area. Chandler and Rachel are talking in the kitchen)
Rachel - I just froze, you know? I can’t tell him yet.
Chandler - Sure, wait seven months. Tell him at the Christening. Ross is gonna need to know. If you’re not careful, he’ll guess.
Rachel - Why? How would he?
Chandler - Only that you’re eating really odd food!
Rachel - There’s nothing odd about Pistachio ice-cream.
Chandler - There is when it’s with hot chocolate fudge sauce!
Phoebe - You guys are never gonna guess what just happened!
Monica - What, Pheebs?
Phoebe - Well, first I had one guinea pig. Now I have five!
Joey - You rescued more?
Phoebe - No! Dream-Hope-Tigerlilly’s had four babies!
Rachel - Well, that’s great, honey!
Ross - But how are you gonna find homes for them? There’s no way you can keep five.
Phoebe - Well, the vet says they have to be seven weeks old before they leave their mother, but after that….Ross, would you be able to take two, or just the one?
Ross - Hold on! I don’t want a guinea-pig!
Phoebe - Why not?
Ross - ‘Cause they smell and make a mess.
Joey - So do you.
Ross - Anyway, I’ll check with Susan and Carol. Maybe they’ll want one for Ben. It’s be good for him to have a pet!
Phoebe - Thank you! Monica, two or three?
Monica - No. I can’t have them.
Rachel - Why can’t we?
Monica - Well….
Ross - You’re not still frightened of them, are you?
Monica - Well…..
Ross - When she was seven, one of her friends had a guinea pig. Monica picked it up and it peed on her. She made us throw away her clothes and she never went to see her friend again.
Chandler - Wow. Monica Geller is afraid of a bit of pee!
Monica - I’m not…it’s just…..I still have nightmares!
Phoebe - OK. Guys?
Chandler - NO! Not after what happened to Yasmine and Chuck.
Joey - I wonder how those guys are?
Phoebe - Great. I have to find homes for three guinea pigs. I’d better start now. Bye guys!
Rachel - Bye, honey!
Ross - I’d better go too now. Carol’s popping Ben over for the weekend.
Rachel - Could I come and see him for a bit tomorrow?
Ross - I suppose so. Why?
Rachel - Well, just ‘cause we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean I don’t want to see your son.
Ross - Do you want me to come here tomorrow, about twelve?
Rachel - Sure. Great.
Rachel - What?
Monica - Do you still love him?
Rachel - No! I just miss Ben, that’s all.
Joey - Sure. And I suppose the Pope’s not Jewish!
Chandler - Actually, he’s not.
Joey - Sure he is!
Scene - Ross’ Apartment
(Ross)
Ross - Hi, Ca….Heather? What are you doing here?
Heather - I wanted to see you.
Ross - Well, my son will be here soon. In about five minutes.
Heather - So there’s just enough time for what I have in mind.
Ross - What?
Heather - Come on, you know. Which way’s the bedroom?
Ross - No….no…Heather. What about Joey?
Heather - That sad loser? I’d much rather be with you. Come on!
Commercial Break
Scene - Ross’ apartment
{Continued from Earlier}
(Ross and Heather)
Heather - Wow. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t know what to say.
Ross - Well, don’t feel that bad. It’s kinda flattering actually.
Heather - It’s just that you gave me all the signals, you know? I’m not usually like this!
Ross - Wait….Wh….what signals?
Heather - You know, you kept making sure I knew that you were single now. You told me how your heart was broken.
Ross - And you took that to mean that I wanted to sleep with you?
Heather - Yeah.
Ross - Well, I don’t!
Heather - Shame. We would have been good together.
Ross - Oh! Hi!
Carol - I know we’re a bit late. Sorry.
Ross - It isn’t what it looks like. Heather is Joey’s girlfriend and she’s leaving now.
Heather - Yeah. Don’t talk to Joey, Ross. See you later. Cute kid. Gets his looks from his Dad.
Carol - I thought you were still mixed up about Rachel?
Ross - I am. Heather’s…odd. She’s going out with Joey, but she just made a pass at me.
Carol - I suppose you took her up on her offer? Honestly, Ross. First, Chloe and now, Heather. Why do you get like this when you and Rachel have a tiff?
Ross - First, I didn’t sleep with Heather. I told her I wasn’t interested. Second, the thing with Rach is rather more than a tiff.
Carol - Sure. OK, Ben. Mummy’s going now. I’ll see you soon. Have a good time. Bye Ross.
Ben - Bye, Mom!
Ross - Bye, Carol.
Scene - Central Perk
(Rachel and Chandler)
Rachel - Thank you. You’re a good friend. I can’t believe that you’ve managed to keep it to yourself.
Chandler - Give me some credit. I don’t tell everybody everything.
Rachel - Yes you do. But I suppose you’re more careful with stuff like this.
Phoebe - Like what?
Rachel - Ummm.
Chandler - I’m sending my Mom a china vase for mother’s day?
Monica - Funny. It’s late October. There’s more than four months to go.
Chandler - Well… Mom’s going on a six month cruise next week and I want it to reach her before then?
Phoebe -Oh, you are so thoughtful!
Rachel - Well, that’s Chandler. Caring and loving.
Chandler - Anyway, Pheebs? Have you found homes for your babies yet?
Phoebe - Yes! I just hope that Carol says no. I found a nice home for them with a scientist girl who is making make-up. With her kind of salary, she’ll be able to give them all the comforts I can’t.
Rachel - That’s nice honey.
Scene - Girls’ Apartment
{The next day}
(Rachel, who is holding Ben, and Ross)
Rachel - Hello!
Ben - Hello, Rachel.
Rachel - I can’t believe how big he’s getting! It feels like yesterday that he was born!
Ross - Yes, those were the days. You were chasing after doctors, and I was trying to tell you the way I felt.
Rachel - I’m sorry it ended the way it did.
Ross - So am I.
Rachel - Oh well, that’s gone now. We’ve got to concentrate on the future.
Ross - Yeah. I’ve already had my first offer. Have you yet?
Rachel - No. I’m not sure I’m ready for anyone else right now. There’s still a lot of things I need to sort out.
Ross - If I tell you this, do you promise that you won’t tell Joey?
Rachel - Yes.
Ross - Heather made a pass at me!
Rachel - Oh my god! Did you accept?
Ross - No. But how can I face Joey? She called him a loser.
Rachel - Wow. I don’t know. Maybe you should talk to Chandler about it. He knows Joey the best.
Ross - Are you sure that he’ll have time to talk to any of us but you?
Rachel - Not you as well! What’s that supposed to mean?
Ross - Nothing, it’s just that you two have been spending a lot of time together.
Rachel - As friends! God, Ross! Do you really think that I would do that? Sleep with your best friend? Do you?
Ross - Well….
Rachel - Get out!
Ross - What?
Rachel - I said, get out!
Ross - But what about Ben? Didn’t you want to see him?
Rachel - I did. But I don’t want you here. Go!
Ross - Fine!
Rachel - Fine!
Chandler - Are you OK? I thought I heard shouting.
Rachel - That was me chucking out the father of my baby.
Chandler - Did you tell him?
Rachel - No. He accused me of sleeping with you.
Chandler - Joey did the same to me.
Rachel - So did Monica, but Ross?
Chandler - I’m sorry. I won’t tell them why we’re really together so much though.
Rachel - Thanks.
Chandler - How come whenever I hug a woman, she’s in tears?
Scene - Central Perk
(Ross, Monica and Ben)
Ross - She was nearly in tears. I’m gonna kill Joey.
Monica - I could have told you that she didn’t. I asked her a few days ago.
Ross - Why didn’t you tell me? I really hurt her feelings. There’s no chance of us ever getting back together now. All because of some stupid theory of Joey’s.
Monica - Woah, woah, woah. What made you think that there was a chance?
Ross - It was just something that Carol said the other day. It got me thinking.
Monica - Don’t you think it’s time to let go? You’ve tried twice, without success. You’ll always love her and she’ll always love you, but you can’t be together. One of you always ends up getting hurt.
Ross - I suppose. I can’t. I love her. I can’t let go.
Monica - You might have to.
Ross - No. I know that we’ll get married someday. I’m 31 years old. I’m divorced and a father. No woman would want me, but she does. I know Rachel still loves me. She wouldn’t have been so upset if she didn’t.
Joey - Hey, Ross?
Ross - What?
Joey - What have you been doing to Heather?
Ross - Nothing. Why?
Joey - It’s just she’s told me that we can only sleep together if I’ve seen you for less than two hours a day now!
Ross - So, what are you gonna do?
Monica - When are you gonna dump her?
Joey - What? No! I just wanted to tell Ross that I won’t be seeing him for a few more weeks. I’ve gotta go back to her now!
Credits
Teaser
Scene - Phoebe’s Apartment
(Phoebe, D-H-T and babies)
Phoebe - I call you Fairy lights…..You’re name’s Fifi-Trixiebell-Peaches-and-Cream….You’re gonna be………Sharky-George-Superted-Wilma-Fred and finally, you’re name’s Cliff!