Friends
A Script By BSW
The One With Aunt Agony Chandler
Scene - Central Perk
(Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Chandler)
Chandler - I am telling you, she is scary! I saw her this morning. I wish I hadn’t just eaten breakfast.
Monica - But does he like her?
Chandler - Judging by last night, yes.
Ross - So maybe you ought to let him be happy.
Joey - Hey, guys!
Monica - Hey, Jo.
Joey - I can’t stay, but I thought I’d just introduce Heather to everyone. Heather, this is Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Chandler, who you already know.
Heather - Hi. (She looks like Gunther with slightly longer hair and breasts)
Phoebe - Hi!
Joey - Well, we’d better be off now. I’ve got an audition. Heather’s coming to watch. Bye, guys!
Chandler/ Ross - Bye Joey.
Monica/Phoebe - Bye Heather!
Ross - Oh my God!
Monica - OK, Chandler. You were right.
Chandler - Thank you.
Phoebe - What do you mean? I think she’s really nice. I hope it works out for those two.
Credits
Scene - Rachel and Monica’s
(Monica)
Monica - Hi! Had a good lie-in?
Rachel - No. I’m ill.
Monica - Are you still being sick?
Rachel - Uh-huh.
Monica - Don’t you think you’d better go to a doctor?
Rachel - Yup. I thought it was just those pizzas from the other night, but I feel terrible.
Monica - The guys were here earlier.
Rachel - So?
Monica - Joey brought his new girlfriend. She’s a Gunther look-a-like!
Rachel - Ugh. That guy is just like the ugliest bloke ever. But as a girl?
Monica - I know. Not a pretty sight.
Rachel - Yeah. Anyway, I’m going to the doctors. Can you come with me?
Monica - I’d love to honey, but I can’t. Pete’s coming around later.
Rachel - Oh. Pete.
Monica - I know. He’s given up the wrestling thing. He’s so yummy and….
Rachel - I get the idea. Bye!
Monica - Bye. Good luck.
Time Lapse
Scene - Girls’ Apartment
(Rachel)
Chandler - Hey, Rachel! Have you seen Monica?
Rachel - What?
Chandler - I was just….
Rachel - Nothing.
Chandler - Don’t give me that. You’ve been crying. Either something’s wrong or shopping’s been outlawed.
Rachel - I can’t tell you what’s wrong. I can’t tell anyone.
Chandler - Why can’t you?
Rachel - ‘Cause you’ll tell everyone, Monica will tell Ross, Phoebe will tell Monica and as for Joey…
Chandler - I get the picture, but what’s wrong? I can keep a secret.
Rachel - Believe me, you don’t want to know.
Chandler - Come on, we’re friends. You can tell me.
Rachel - OK. I’m pregnant.
Chandler - Woah. Is…is…is it…..
Rachel - Yes, it’s Ross’. Unlike him, I don’t go and sleep with another man after a breakup.
Chandler - Woah. Does he know?
Rachel - No. And for now I want it to stay that way. Don’t tell anyone.
Chandler - Woah. This is big.
Rachel - I know. How am I gonna tell my parents? My Dad will kill Ross. My Mom will blame my Dad.
Chandler - And when are you planning on telling Ross?
Rachel - Eeeeeh. I hadn’t thought of that. It’s been so hard for him to see Carol and Susan bring up Ben. How’s he gonna like seeing me raise our kid?
Chandler - I won’t tell anyone, but you’re gonna need to let him know.
Scene - Central Perk
(Gunther, Joey and Monica)
Gunther - So who was that tasty chick?
Joey - That was Heather. My new girlfriend.
Monica - Don’t you two think that there’s something a bit weird about her? Doesn’t she remind you of anyone?
Gunther - Yeah, but I don’t know who.
Phoebe - Hey, guys! Guess what?
Monica - What honey?
Phoebe - Dream-Hope-Tigerlilly is pregnant. She’s gonna have babies!
Joey - Woah. I never knew that animals could make themselves pregnant.
Monica - Anyway! That’s really great Phoebe, but where are you gonna put them all? How are you gonna find homes for them all?
Phoebe - I don’t know, but I’ve got another 8 months to think about it. The vet says she’s one month gone.
Monica - Honey? It’s humans that have nine months. Guinea-pigs have a lot less.
Joey - Hey, guys!
Rachel - Hi, Joey.
Phoebe - She’s pregnant!
Rachel - What???
Phoebe - My guinea-pig’s gonna have baby guinea-pigs!
Rachel - Oh. Of course.
Monica - Did you go to the doctors? What did he say?
Rachel - Ummm. I have a virus. I just have to put up with the being sick until it passes.
Monica - That’s ridiculous. Couldn’t he give you anything?
Rachel - No. Are we going to the cinema or what? We’ll be late.
Joey - We’re waiting for Ross.
Rachel - Oh. I didn’t know he was coming.
Chandler - But it’s not a problem, is it?
Rachel - I suppose not. I’m gonna get some coffee.
Monica - Oh! Rach, Bloomingdales phoned just after you left this morning. They wanted to know why you haven’t been at work this week.
Rachel - Yeah, I’ll phone tomorrow.
Ross - Hey, everyone!
Chandler - Hey, bud!
Rachel - Ross, I need to tell you something. Can we talk later?
Ross - I guess.
Commercial Break
Scene - Ross’ Apartment
{After the movie}
(All the gang)
Ross - So, Rachel? What did you want to tell me?
Rachel - Ummm….
Monica - Wasn’t that movie so sad?
Phoebe - Yeah, especially when the girl found out about the baby.
Joey - It was a total chick flick. No man would ever be stupid enough to get a girl pregnant and then go off to war!
Ross - Rachel?
Rachel - Nothing. It was nothing.
Ross - I agree about the movie. If my girlfriend was ever pregnant, there would be no way I’d go and get myself killed. I’d always be there for her. Unless she had a lesbian life partner, of course.
Chandler - On that note, I’m going back to the apartment. Rachel? Are you coming?
Rachel - Like you wouldn’t believe! Bye, guys!
Monica - What is it with those two?
Joey - You don’t think they’re…. You know?
Ross - No.
Joey - I mean, they have been talking to one another all night, and she’s completely blowing you off.
Ross - She wouldn’t break up with me and then go out with my best friend. Not Chandler, at least!
Monica - I don’t know. Before, I would have disagreed, but after those confessions we had when we got drunk….
Ross - What did she say?
Phoebe - Oh! I remember!
Joey - What did Rachel say?
Monica - I can’t tell you. I promised.
Ross - Fine.
Scene - A New York Street
(Rachel and Chandler)
Rachel - Thanks so much for getting me out of there!
Chandler - But don’t you think you should tell him? He has just said that he’d stick by you.
Rachel - The thing is that I don’t want that. I want him to go off and marry some other girl. Have kids. I don’t want him hanging around the apartment for the rest of his life! This is my baby, not his. It was my mistake, not his. He should be free, not tied to me. I don’t love him anymore. OK, so maybe I do, but I’m not in love with him anymore. Can you understand?
Chandler - Cold air has frozen brain circuits.
Rachel - Men!
Scene - Guy’s Apartment
{Next morning}
(Joey and Chandler)
Joey - So, where did you and Rachel go last night?
Chandler - I took her home.
Joey - Then what did you do?
Chandler - We talked and then went to bed! Why are you so interested?
Joey - No reason.
Chandler - Now that you’ve finished, where’s Heather? Don’t tell me she didn’t sleep here?
Joey - No. I haven’t seen her for a few days, actually.
Chandler - Why?
Joey - She’s kinda been telling me that Ross needs my attention. Apparently they got talking the other day and he told her about Rach……
Chandler - Oh. Anyway, gotta get to work. I need to process this data before lunch, ‘cause I’m going to meet Rachel.
Joey - You’ve been seeing her a lot lately, haven’t you?
Chandler - Yeah, so?
Joey - Come on, man. You can tell me. Are you two…
Chandler - No!!!! How could you think that!
Joey - Well, it’s not just me who’s been noticing!
Chandler - How could you think that I would hurt Ross by going out with his girlfriend?
Joey - Well…
Chandler - You’d better tell the rest of them that I’m not….that we’re not….. OK?
Joey - OK, man!
Chandler - Good. Bye.
Scene - Girls’ Apartment
(Monica and Rachel)
Rachel - …God, no! How could you think that? Me…with him?
Monica - It’s all right, you can tell me. It’s not the first time you’ve slept with one of your friends.
Rachel - No. Monica, I’m not. It’s just that he’s helping me with a problem, OK?
Monica - You want me to believe that you told Chandler something you haven’t told me?
Rachel - The world does not revolve around you. I can have some secrets.
Monica - Fine.
Rachel - Fine. I’m going to work now. I don’t want to be fired. Goodbye.
Monica - Bye.
Scene - Bloomingdales, Rachel’s boss’ office
(Rachel and Joanna)
Rachel - I’m sorry, Joanna. I’ve had a personal emergency and I’ve been unable to work.
Joanna - But you’re back now?
Rachel - Yes. Absolutely. I’m back and I won’t have another day off for months.
Joanna - Can I trust that you’ll be more reliable from now on?
Rachel - Yes.
Joanna - Good, because there’s a project I want to delegate to you. Bloomingdales has decided to update it’s stock in a certain range. I would like you to research the needs of this group and put a few specifications together. If your work is good enough, you’ll be put in charge of this range.
Rachel - Oh my God! That would be great. Thank you! Thank you!
Joanna - Well, there is a con. Sophie will be under your control whilst you’re working on the project. You seem to get on though, so that shouldn’t be a problem. Congratulations. Off you go then!
Rachel - Joanna? What’s the department?
Joanna - Didn’t I tell you?
Rachel - No.
Joanna - It’s a new maternity range. I know that it’ll be hard for you to work on, but you work best when you’re stretched mentally.
Rachel - Oh.
Joanna - I’ll need the proposals in three weeks. Good luck.
Rachel - Yeah.
Scene - Ross’ Apartment
(Ross and Chandler)
Chandler - So, is he driving you crazy?
Ross - Absolutely! He won’t leave me alone!
Chandler - It’s not his fault. Heather won’t go out on dates with him unless he’s been with you for two hours a day.
Ross - Oh yes, Heather. What do you think of her?
Chandler - Well, you know…..
Ross - Personally, I hate her!
Chandler - Thank God! It’s not just me!
Ross - And she’s even worse than Joey! It’s been three weeks since Rachel broke it off. I’m still upset, but I can cope. Whenever she sees me, Heather starts telling me how she gets over relationships!
Chandler - It doesn’t seem like that’s gonna be a problem for her and Joey. They spend every night round our apartment. The wall’s only thin. I can hear every movement. It’s disgusting!
Ross - I never thought about that when I was with Rachel. Monica must have been freaked!
Chandler - Well, next time, spare a thought for the roommate!
Ross - I don’t think there will be a next time.
Chandler - I’m sorry, bud.
Ross - Yeah.
Credits
Teaser
Scene - Guys’ Apartment, Chandler’s Bedroom
{Late at night}
(Chandler)
Voice of Joey - Oh! Come to Mama!……oh, yeah!……this is good!
" " Heather - Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Moooooooooooo. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Chandler - Oh my God! There’s a barnyard in there with him!