Friends
A script by BSW
The One Where Phoebe Spends Money
Scene - R+R’s Apartment
(All of the Gang)
Joey - I got a letter today from one of my uncles. He’s gonna crash at ours for a week or two.
Chandler - So now you tell me!
Joey - Well, I didn’t think you’d mind. He’s the one who married the stripper.
Chandler - Oh, that Uncle! Cool.
Phoebe - You guys!
Monica - That is so sick!
Chandler - It’s not sick. It’s perfectly natural. Isn’t it, Ross?
Ross - Ummm…. I refuse to comment.
Rachel - That’s just as well!
Monica - You guys are almost as bad! Do you have to do this when you have visitors?
Rachel - No. We just reserve it for you lot. I don’t think your parents would be too impressed!
Phoebe - Whilst we’re talking about relatives, my Grandma’s money transferred to my bank this morning!
Joey - Have you decided what you’re gonna do with it yet?
Chandler - You could invest it. I’ll find you some promising companies at work tomorrow.
Phoebe - No need. I know what I’m gonna do. This afternoon, I sign some documents and the massage place will be mine!
Ross - That’s great!
Phoebe - I know! And, I have enough left over to give each of you a present!
Rachel - Now, that’s great!
Credits
Scene - Monica’s Apartment
(Monica and Chandler)
Chandler - ..So I said to him ‘Hey bud, 200 pounds too much is dangerous!’
Chandler - Oh my god! Monica Geller just laughed at something I said!
Monica - Come on, I laugh at you all the time!
Chandler - Exactly. At the Bong, not with the Bong!
Monica - Well then, I’m sorry.
Chandler - Good.
Monica - It’s strange here without Rachel, isn’t it.
Chandler - Yeah. You must miss her. Of course, having said that, I’d love for Joey to move out.
Monica - You don’t mean that.
Chandler - I did this morning when I found out that he’d been using my razor.
Monica - So? What’s strange about that?
Chandler - He’d been using it to shave what girls call the bikini line!
Monica - Ugh. I’m sorry I asked.
Phoebe - Hey, guys!
Chandler - Hi!
Monica - So, what’s up?
Phoebe - Nothing. I just wanted to tell you what I got for Ross.
Chandler - OK. Go on.
Phoebe - I got him a scale model of Jurassic Park!
Monica - Wow. He’s gonna love that.
Phoebe - I know. But that’s nothing compared to what I got Rachel!
Chandler - I don’t like this game. It excites me so much that I’m gonna wet myself.
Phoebe - Uh-huh! Anyway, I gotta go and sign the papers before I get the parlor.
Monica - So, what did she get for Rachel?
Chandler - I don’t know. She never said!
Scene - Central Perk
(All of the gang)
Phoebe - OK. I finished shopping earlier. Now I get to give all of these presents away!
Monica - You know you really didn’t have to get us anything!
Phoebe - Yes I did. Otherwise the tax would have been huge.
Monica -
Phoebe - You’re welcome! Now, Chandler!
Chandler -
Phoebe - Good. Joey?
Joey -
Phoebe - You see, ‘cause you guys live together, you get a complete set of presents.
Chandler - Then what on earth did you get Rachel?
Phoebe - Not yet. Ross first.
Ross - A model of Jurassic Park! This is so cool!!!!!
Joey - Can we come round tonight to play with it???
Rachel - No way. We’re busy.
Ross - We are?
Monica - Guys!
Phoebe - Here’s yours, Rachel.
Rachel - Ooh. An envelope. Isn’t this exciting? Phoebe, it’s lovely!
Joey - Whatdidyouget?Whatdidyouget?
Chandler - You can all now see how annoyed I get on Christmas morning!
Rachel - It’s a card. Inside is a…. Phoebe!
Monica - Ooh, no! Not a Phoebe.
Chandler - Good. I’d give it an 8 on the Chandler scale !
Monica - Thank you. I learn from the best!
Ross - What is it?
Rachel - Airplane tickets for two to Mauritius!
Chandler - Wow.
Phoebe - I know. Aren’t I great?
Ross - How does this fit in with my present?
Phoebe - It doesn’t. I just said that to throw you off the track.
Monica - So, Rach, who are you gonna take?
Joey - I did clean up that stain on your carpet last night!
Rachel - You were the one who spilt the wine there!
Chandler - I’m sad, lonely and unloved!
Rachel - So?
Monica - I lived with you for three years!
Ross - I live with you now!
Rachel - How am I meant to choose between you two?
Ross - I’ll do that thing with the navy suit and the chocolate spread….. you know!
Monica - Fine. Take him. I’m not even gonna try and compete with that!
Rachel - So I guess we’re off to Mauritius then lover boy!
Scene - Monica’s Apartment
(Monica, Phoebe, Joey)
Phoebe - So? What do you think of your knives, Mon?
Monica - Ummm. They’re very……sharp?
Phoebe - Good. They’re made out of the same stuff they use at NASA!
Joey - That’s not fair. How comes she gets cool stuff?
Monica - Honey? You got Baywatch!
Joey - Oh yeah, I remember!
Franco - Joey? What will your Papa say when he finds out you and that Chandler watch porn movies?
Joey - He’ll probably say cool. By the way, that’s called Baywatch!
Monica - Hello, guy I’ve never met who has just come into my apartment!
Joey - OH! I forgot. This is my Uncle Franco. Franco, this is my neighbor Monica.
Franco - Big boobies. Small bottom. Monica. Too late. If only I’d met you a few wives ago.
Monica - Nice to meet you too!
Joey - Franco? This is one of my best friends, Phoebe.
Commercial Break
Scene - Ross + Rachel’s Apartment
(Ross and Rachel)
Ross - Wow. Would you look at it?
Rachel - I can’t help but. It’s kinda big.
Ross - After a few weeks, we won’t even know it’s there!
Rachel - A few weeks??? Ross, where will we eat?
Ross - Ummm. I don’t know yet. I’ll find somewhere.
Rachel - You’d better.
Ross - An Ischnekink. It’s actually not meant to be in Jurassic times, that was way too early for that type.
Rachel - Oh.
Ross - Look what you’ve done!
Rachel - Chill. Some glue will fix that.
Ross - I ran out. I’m gonna have to go to the shop and get some more.
Rachel - How about whilst you get some more glue, I get a bit more comfortable?
Ross - I love you.
Rachel - I love you too.
Ross - Back as soon as I can, promise!
Rachel - Bye!
Scene - Monica’s Apartment
(Monica and Phoebe)
Monica - You mean that was the guy you went out with?
Phoebe - Uh-huh.
Monica - That was the guy who only liked you because of you name?
Phoebe - Uh-huh.
Monica - And he’s Joey’s Uncle?
Phoebe - Uh-huh.
Monica - And he’s living with the guys for a few weeks?
Phoebe - Uh-huh.
Monica - And I’m an alien with homicidal tendencies with sixteen legs?
Phoebe - Uh-huh.
Monica - You are not listening to a word I’ve just said!
Phoebe - Uh-huh.
Monica - Just how embarrassing it must be for you with Franco.
Phoebe - I thought I’d never see that creep again! And then, there he is in your apartment!
Monica - Did you ever tell Joey about the date from hell?
Phoebe - No. Don’t tell him.
Monica - Why not?
Phoebe - ‘Cause Franco’s a real creep and Joey thinks the world of him.
Monica - So? Joey’s a big kid now. He’s old enough to learn that not everything we think is real.
Like Santa Claus. Joey handled that news very well last Christmas.
Phoebe - What about Santa Claus?
Monica - You know, that whole Santa Claus isn’t real thing.
Phoebe - You mean he isn’t?
Monica - Uh-huh. Weren’t you ever told that?
Phoebe - Sure. I just thought it was a story made up to scare people though!
Joey - Wow. Monica must really be missing Rachel!
Monica -
Joey - Well, Chandler and I were just gonna take Franco to Central Perk. Do you wanna come?
Phoebe - OK!
Monica - But what about….?
Phoebe - I don’t care.
Monica - OK then.
Scene - Central Perk
(Chandler, Joey, Franco, Phoebe and Monica)
Monica - So.
Chandler - A needle pulling thread!
Monica - Excuse me?
Chandler - You know, just the way that the song goes!
Franco - I do not understand. I’m going back to your place now, Joey. I can see that I’m cramping your style.
Joey - What do you mean?
Franco - Are you actually telling me that you always just sit about talking of the weather, the economy and which Baywatch babe has had the biggest implant?
Chandler - Well, yeah to the last bit!
Franco - I will never understand young people today.
Joey - Isn’t he the greatest ever?
Monica - What?
Joey - He’s like totally cool. When I was a kid, I wanted to be just like him!
Chandler - Joey, the guy’s strange.
Monica - Yeah.
Joey - No, he’s not.
Monica - Yes, he is!
Phoebe - And he’s a total sleaze!
Joey - What do you mean, he’s a total sleaze?
Phoebe - Nothing. I didn’t mean anything. I didn’t go out with him, not ever in my life.
Joey - You dated my uncle? That’s gross.
Monica - Why is it gross for Phoebe to date your uncle, but not for the other hundreds of women our age?
Joey - ‘Cause you’re my friend.
Phoebe - Well, if he had his way, I’d be your aunt.
Chandler - He wanted to marry you?
Phoebe - Uh-huh. And only because my name began with P.
Joey - That’s ridiculous. Your name begins with a F. Fee-bee.
Chandler - Well, come to mama.
Joey - Woah.
(Rachel is wearing a long coat over the teddy that she showed the girls last time .She’s crying. She doesn’t say a word, but crosses the apartment and lets herself into her old bedroom. The guys look at Monica, who goes to open the door and check on her. Rachel has locked the door.)
Monica - What’s happened, Rachel?
Monica - What’s happened?
Credits
Teaser
(We see inside Rachel’s old room. The only thing that is still there is a cushion, which Rachel is hugging. She is huddled in a corner, crying. The room is dark.)
"There’s a room where I can go to, tell my secrets to, in my room, in my room."
Fade out on Rachel’s face.
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