Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.



BRAD & JENNIFERíS RESIDENCE(Phoebe is present)


Phoebe:What a long strange trip its been so far.Let me catch you up to date.The gang decided to visit Brad and Jennifer in California.Then we all went to Disneyland the day after we arrived. Everything was fine and then suddenly it wasnít.On the good side, Brad has found a new play partner in Ben. But Joey, Chandler, Monica and I got thrown out of Disneyland for having sex on a ride.Who knew that you could get in trouble for that? Anyway, Ross had a brain fart and had lunch with his ex-girlfriend Julie instead of Rachel.Everything seemed fine between Ross and Rachel until dinner that night at the house.It seems Rachel was still mad at Ross.He asked Rachel to the pass the mashed potatoes and she thought he meant ďthrow the mashed potatoes at me pleaseĒ.†† Ross got upset and stormed out of the house.Now Ross has disappeared and nobody knows where he is.Well thatís about it.Any questions?I didnít think so.Ok, on with the madness.




BRAD & JENNIFERíS RESIDENCE (The next morning.Everyone but Rachel has gathered in the kitchen)


Chandler:Hey Jen, did you know that your kitchen is bigger than our apartment?Wanna trade?


Jennifer:Yeah right.


Monica:I could do culinary wonders in this kitchen.Imagine the meals I could make for you Chandler.


Chandler:Yes, you could make a mean grilled cheese sandwich on this griddle.


Monica:Thatís not what I meant!


Chandler:Lighten up.


Brad:Whereís Rachel?


Joey:Maybe sheís in the shower.


Phoebe:Nah, she went to look for Ross this morning.


Joey:How do you know?


Phoebe:She told me.


Joey:Oh. (pause)Did she shower first?


Brad:What does that have to do with anything?


Joey:You know, sheís gonna wanna be clean if she finds him. Ross isnít gonna wanna have sex with a dirty Rachel.†††


Monica:Joey!Benís right here!


Ben:Itís ok Auntie Monica, Mommy and Daddy have sex when Iím around all the time.


Chandler:They do?


Ben:Yeah, theyíre always kissing and hugging and kissing and stuff.


Jennifer:Little kids are so cute.


Ben:And occasionally Daddy grabs Mommyís butt and then they tell me to watch TV for awhile.They think I donít know, but I know that Daddyís playing hide the salami with Mommy.


Monica:Ben!Where did you learn that?


Ben:Uncle Joey told me.


All (but Joey and Ben):Joey!


Joey:Man, itís really hot in here, Iím gonna go out back.(Joey leaves)


Chandler:The kid is seven and he knows more about sex than I do.


Monica:Thatís not saying much.


Jennifer:Ok, what are we gonna do today?


Brad:Shouldnít we help Rachel find Ross?


Jennifer:We could do that.But I think Rachel wouldíve asked for our help if she wanted it.I know, we could go down to Burbank Studios and watch the taping of Fraiser.†† I know one of the Executive Producers, Iím sure sheíd let us in for the taping.What da ya say?


Chandler:I love that show!That would be great!††


Monica:Youíre just saying that because you have a thing for Jane Leeves.


Chandler:I do not!


Monica:Please, Iíve seen you kissing the pillow while sitting on the couch while youíre watching that show.


Phoebe (to Chandler):You are so sad.


Chandler:Oh yeah, well Monica watches old CHIPS re-runs because she has a thing for Erik Estrada!


Brad:Well as enlightening as this conversation is, what do guys want to do?


Phoebe:Letís go to the taping.


Monica:I donít wanna go anywhere now.


Phoebe:Stop being a baby Erik lover, youíre going.




Phoebe:What are you scoffing at pillow lover?


HILTON HOTEL Ė HOLLYWOOD (Rachel is checking with the front desk again)


Rachel:Hi.Iím checking to see if a Ross Geller checked in here last night.


Clerk:Iím sorry, but no Ross Geller has checked in.


Rachel:How about Dr. Ross Geller?


Clerk:Iím sorry maíam, he hasnít checked in.


Rachel:How about this.Have any male guests that are approximately 6í2Ē tall with dark hair checked in the past twenty-four hours?


Clerk:Maíam thereís a college basketball tournament in town and many of the guests here at the hotel are those basketball players.We could spend all day gathering that list.


Rachel:†† Fine, thanks anyway.(Rachel turns to leave then comes back to the counter) Wait, how about this, did a Ross Dinothere check in?


Clerk:Maíam I have other guests to accommodate.


Rachel:Just check!


Clerk:Fine, fine. (pause) Yes, a Mr. Ross Dinothere checked in last night.


Rachel:What room?What room?


Clerk:Room 669.


Rachel:What floor is that on?


Clerk:The sixth.



BURBANK STUDIOS Ė THE SET OF FRAISER (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)


Jennifer:Everyone, Iíd like to introduce you to Kelsey Grammer.Kelsey, this is everyone.


Kelsey:Hello.So Jennifer says your visiting from New York City.I really love New York.(to Ben) And who are you?


Ben:Iím Ben.Iím seven.How old are you?


Monica:Ben, you know you donít ask grown-ups that question.


Kelsey (to Monica):You must be Benís mom.


Monica:No, Iím his aunt.


Ben:I have three Mommies.


Kelsey:You do?


Ben:Yup, my lesbian Mommies are Carol and Susan and I have Mommy Rachel.


Kelsey:Thatís gotta be the most amazing thing Iíve ever heard.Are you sure youíre not from San Francisco?


Joey:That whole thing still confuses me.


Phoebe:Joey, the wind changes direction and you get confused.


Chandler:Ah, whereís Jane Leeves?




Chandler:What?I just wanted to see if I could meet her.


Kelsey:Janeís left already.She had to get home to her kids.So youíre a big fan of hers?


Chandler (sheepishly):Yeah.


Joey:Yeah he makes out with a pillow whenever he sees her on your show.




Joey:Well you do.


Brad:Well we better let Kelsey get on his way, Iíve got a surprise for you guys that I think that youíll like.Thanks Kelsey.


Kelsey:Itís my pleasure.Itís great meeting all of you and have fun in Hollywood.Take care.(Kelsey leaves)


Jennifer:Whatís this surprise Brad?


Brad:Well if I told you it wouldnít be a surprise now would it?


HITLON HOTEL Ė HOLLYWOOD (Rachel has found Rossí room.She knocks on the door, Ross opens it)


Ross:Oh, itís you.


Rachel:Iím happy to see you too.Can I come in?


Ross (walking back towards the bed):Whatever.


Rachel:I missed you last night.


Ross:No you didnít, the mashed potatoes hit me square in the chest.


Rachel:Thatís not what I meant.


Ross:What do you want?


Rachel:Youíre mad at me?


Ross:No, Iím just being hostile for the fun of it.


Rachel:Look, Iím sorry I threw the mashed potatoes at you.I was upset about the whole Julie thing.




Rachel:So will you come back to the house?


Ross:No, I think Iím gonna stay here.Itís against the rules in the restaurant to throw food so I know Iíll be safe.


Rachel:You know what, I didnít come down here to argue with you.If you want to be a stubborn mule, then be one.Just donít ruin my and your sonís vacation.


Ross:Ok.See you later.


Rachel:Iím not coming back.




Rachel (bursting into tears):Why are you doing this to me?Iím your wife.Talk to me!


BURBANK STUDIOS Ė THE TONIGHT SHOW SET(The gang, except for Brad, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the studio)

Joey (whispering to Jennifer):Whereís Brad?


Jennifer (whispering back):I donít know.


Joey:Youíre lying.


Jennifer:Yes I am, watch the show.


Jay Leno:My next guest is a major movie star and married to one of the hottest actresses in the business.Heís here to promote his new movie Oceanís Eleven which hits theaters on Friday.Ladies and Gentlemen, Brad Pitt.††††††


Ben (to Monica):Hey, thatís Uncle Brad up there!

Monica:Yes it is.Now we have to be quiet, ok?


Brad:Hi Jay, how are you?


Jay Leno:Iím good.Itís great to see again.So, youíve got a big movie opening in theaters on Friday.


Brad:Yeah.Itís a remake of the 1960 brat pack film Oceanís Eleven.George Clooney was putting an all-star cast together and he asked me to play a role in the film.


Jay Leno:Julia Roberts is also in the film.


Brad:Yeah, Julia was great to work with.


Jay Leno:How was the missus with that?


Brad:Why donít you ask her yourself, sheís right over there.


Jay Leno:Ladies and Gentlemen, itís Jennifer Aniston.Jennifer come on up here.


Jennifer:Thatís ok.†††


Jay Leno (going into the audience to get Jennifer):Come on Jennifer.


Jennifer (now on the couch next to Brad):Iím gonna get you for this.


Jay Leno:So how are the two of you doing?


Jennifer:Weíre doing great.Actually, weíve decided to have kids.


Brad:We have?


Jay Leno:Sounds like you two have some talking to do.So what are you up to Jennifer?


Jennifer:I just finished shooting a film called The Good Girl.


Jay Leno:Brad was telling me backstage that thereís a daytime soap star in the audience today.


Jennifer:Yes, there is.


Chandler (to Phoebe):Theyíre talking about Joey.


Phoebe:Heís finally gonna get his big break.††


Jay Leno:Should we invite him up here?


Brad:The more the merrier.


Jay Leno:Ladies and Gentlemen, letís welcome Joey Tribbiani who plays Dr. Ross Greco on the daytime soap opera General Hospital.


(The spotlight hits Joey in the audience and lo and behold, Joeyís eating a sandwich)


Chandler:Joey, get up and go onstage, theyíre waiting for you.


Joey:Not now dude, Iím eating.


Phoebe:Give me that sandwich, get up there now!


(Joey gets up and the audience applauds.Joey sits next to Jay as Brad and Jennifer move over)


Jay Leno:Howís it going Joey?


Joey:Pretty good.


Jay Leno:Youíve come a long way since they dropped your Days of Our Lives character Dr. Drake Remoray down the elevator shaft.


Joey:Yeah, I can actually pay my bills now.


Jay Leno:So whatís in store for your character on General Hospital?


Joey:The producers are talking about having my character discover the cure for the Ebola virus.


Jay Leno:How are they gonna do that?


Joey:Beats me, I havenít seen the script yet.


Jay Leno:Spoken like a true actor.Weíll be right back with Jane Leeves of Fraiser.††††


Chandler (to Monica):Did you hear that, Jane Leeves is on the show!


Monica:Itís too bad you left your pillow at home.


HITLON HOTEL Ė HOLLYWOOD (Rachel and Ross are just staring at one another)


Rachel:So you have nothing to say?


Ross:Not really.I thought you were leaving.


Rachel:Damn it, what do you want me to say?!


Ross:I donít want you to say anything.I just want to be left alone.


Rachel:Do you want out of this marriage?




Rachel:Then what the hell are you doing?!


Ross:Iím enjoying my vacation.




Ross:I said I am enjoying my vacation.


Rachel:I heard you the first time.


Ross:Then why did you say ďwhatĒ?


Rachel:You know what, I am leaving.Oh and another thing, for better or worse means something to me.If you didnít mean it when you said it, then youíve got more problems then me not liking the fact that you had lunch with an ex-girlfriend instead of your pregnant wife.Goodbye Ross.


Ross:Rachel, why do you hate Julie so much?


Rachel (surprised):I donít hate Julie.


Ross:Then whyíd you throw food at me?


Rachel (shutting the door and sitting down on the bed next to Ross):Ok, so I hate her a little bit.††††††


Ross:Why, what did she ever do to you?


Rachel:She tried to steal the only man Iíve ever loved from me.


Ross:She tried to steal Barry?


Rachel:Thatís not funny.


Ross:I thought it was.


Rachel:Do you want the truth?


Ross:I think Iím entitled to it.


Rachel:Ok here it goes.Julieís the only ex-lover of yours that Iíve ever felt threatened by.








Rachel:Because sheís into dinosaurs, sheís pretty, sheís very smart and you two got along so well together.


Ross:And the fact that I broke up with her to be with you doesnít carry any weight at all?


Rachel:Of course it does.


Ross:Then why do you still feel threatened by her?


Rachel:Let me put it this way, how would you feel if I had lunch with Mark?


Ross:Youíd sleep on the couch for a week.


Rachel:See, you still feel threatened by Mark.


Ross:Thatís different.Mark broke us up the first time.Julie never did that to us.


Rachel:No, you sleeping with the Copy Girl broke us up the first time.


Ross:Whatís your point?


Rachel:The point is that yes, I still feel threatened by Julie and me seeing you with her sets off all sorts of jealous alarms in my head.I feel that if youíre around her for an extended period of time, youíll leave me for her.


Ross:I would never leave you for her.I might leave you for Tea Leoni, but not her.


Rachel:The one from Jurassic Park 3?Iíd leave you for her too.


Ross:Look, I love you and only you.Julieís from my past but, like you with Mark, sheís my friend.I didnít have lunch with her to get even with you for embarrassing me in front of Jennifer, I had lunch with her because sheís a friend.


Rachel:And I didnít throw food at you because I was upset that you long for Tea Leoni, I threw food at you because you had lunch with Julie and I got stood up.


Ross:And I said I was sorry for that yet you still felt the need to throw mashed potatoes at me.


Rachel:And I am sorry for that.


(long period of silence)


Ross:Whereís everyone else?


Rachel:I donít know.I left the house before anyone else was up.


Ross: Did you shower?


Rachel:Ah no.




Rachel:Is that bad?


Ross:Well we canít have sex.


Rachel:Why not?


Ross:Because you didnít shower.




Ross:Itís gross, youíre all dirty.


Rachel:How about we shower here?




Rachel:You think Iím gonna shower by myself?


BRAD & JENNIFERíS RESIDENCE(Everyone is present.The gang is getting ready to leave for New York)


Joey:Thanks for letting us stay Brad and Jen.


Brad:Not a problem.We enjoyed having you guys.


Phoebe:Donít forget about the bed Joey.


Joey:Right.Ah, youíre gonna need a new bed in Phoebe and Iís room.


Jennifer:Why exactly?


Joey:We broke the springs in the mattress making whoopee.


Monica:We canít take you two anywhere.


Chandler:This is the best trip ever.I actually got slapped by Jane Leeves.


Brad:Yeah. In the future, itís a good idea not to kiss celebrities without their permission Chandler.


Monica:Donít worry, heíll be paying for that mistake for a long time.


Chandler:How many times do I have to say Iím sorry Mon?


Ross:Thanks again.


Rachel:Yeah, we had a great time.†† Youíll come to New York?


Brad:I will, I still have to make a court appearance for decking that guy when I was there for your wedding.


Jennifer:Which he is still serving time for I might add.


Ben:Uncle Brad, when you come, will you go to Great Adventure with me?


Brad:Of course buddy.




Ross:Ben!We donít say things like that!Who taught you that?


Ben:Iím sorry.Uncle Joey taught me.


Joey:Man, itís hot in here.Iíll wait for you guys by the limo.




BRAD & JENNIFERíS RESIDENCE(Brad and Jennifer are eating dinner)


Jennifer:So who won our bet?


Brad:What are you talking about?


Jennifer:Did you have a blast with Ben?


Brad:Yeah.Heís a wonderful little boy.


Jennifer:So I won the bet.


Brad (realizing whatís she talking about):Oh my God.


Jennifer:I believe itís time to get naked.


Brad:What about dinner?


Jennifer (sexily):Since when did you like dinner before dessert?