THE ONE WITH THE SCARE
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Phoebe are present):
Phoebe: Did Rachel get back ok?
Ross: Yeah, she got back late last night. She seems to have to do a whole lot of traveling with this job.
Phoebe: Is that bad?
Ross: It's just that I don't get to see her very often.
Phoebe (long pause): You miss the daily sex don't you?
Ross: Is it that obvious?
Phoebe: Yeah, you've got a mean callous on your left hand.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Everyone is present. They're eating breakfast)
Rachel: Where's Ashley Joey?
Chandler: Your wife.
Joey: Oh her, yeah we got a divorce because I was still married to Ursula.
Rachel: When did you, ah when did you marry Ursula?
Phoebe: He didn't. It was just part of the lies to get Ashley to divorce Joey.
Chandler: What were the other lies?
Ross: Joey was fighting to free the Canadians from the Evil Eskimo Empire. Oh, and he also got shot in the ass by a stray bullet, but the plastic surgeon put Joey's ass back together.
Chandler: She bought that load of crap? My God, we've actually found someone who's dumber than Joey.
Rachel: Ok, I need to stop traveling so much.
Ross: Amen to that.
Monica: Ok, I gotta go.
Chandler: Where're you going? I thought you didn't work until this afternoon?
Monica: To see my secret lesbian lover.
Joey: Hey, Ross' ex-wife had one of those!
Phoebe: Which one?
Rachel (feigning hurt): You have someone else besides me?
Phoebe: I know I do.
Joey: Dildos don't count Phoebe.
Monica: I'm going to OBGY-N if you all must know.
Chandler: That's this morning?
Monica: Yeah, don't you remember me telling you in the shower?
Chandler: Well given what you were doing to me in the shower, it's a miracle that I even remember my name.
Ross: And I no longer want to eat my breakfast.
Chandler: I'll go with you.
(Chandler and Monica leave)
Joey: What was she doing in the shower to him?
Rachel: Joey if we have to explain it to you, you don't deserve to be told.
Joey: But I wanna know!
Phoebe: She was sucking on Chandler's blow pop Joey.
Joey: Chandler has blow pops? I so want one of those.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Ross, Caitlin and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: What are you guys up to today?
Ross: We're taking Caitlin to the Doctor's. Caitlin's getting her first round of shots.
Rachel: No she's not!
Phoebe: A little nervous there Rach?
Ross: Would you relax? She's gonna be fine.
Rachel: This coming from a man who hates needles.
Ross: I went with Ben when he got all of his shots and he was a brave boy. Caitlin's gonna be fine.
Rachel: You passed out the first time Ben got his shots!
Ross: No I didn't!
Rachel: Yes you did.
Ross: Who told you?
Ross: Now I know why I divorced her, she could never keep a secret.
Phoebe: I thought you divorced her because she became a lesbian?
Ross: Well not keeping secrets was number two on the list then.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV as Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey Joe!
Joey (jumping out of his chair): Jesus H. Christ, you scared the living crap out of me!
Phoebe: What you doing?
Joey: I was watching TV. What are you doing?
Phoebe: I'm bored. Everyone has something to do today except me. Wanna do something?
Joey: Sure, you and I haven't had sex in while.
Phoebe: Not that.
Joey: Like what then?
Phoebe: I dunno.
Joey: Strip club?
Phoebe: Male strippers?
Joey: Who do you think I am? Chandler?
Phoebe: I guess I could watch some women get naked.
Joey: Cool, I love going to strip clubs.
Phoebe: I was a stripper once.
Joey: Really? When?
Phoebe: Fifteen years ago when I was living on the streets. I used to work at Mitchell Brothers.
Joey: You, you, you were a stripper? Why didn't you say anything before today?
Phoebe: I'm not proud of it.
Joey: But you have a great body!
Phoebe: This is true. Look, I just didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Joey: It is to me!
Phoebe: Any female who's naked is a big deal to you.
DOCTOR'S OFFICE (Rachel, Ross and Caitlin are present)
Ross: What's the matter?
Rachel: I can't do this. I can't subject Caitlin to this barbaric ritual.
Ross: She's not getting a circumcision Rach, she's getting her shots. If she doesn't get them, she could get a very bad disease and die. Do you want that?
Ross: Then please, relax. Everything's gonna be fine.
(a Nurse enters the waiting room)
Nurse: Dr. and Mrs. Geller? The Doctor will see you now.
Ross: Let's go.
Rachel: She better be ok.
Ross: She's gonna be fine.
DR. KACZMAREK'S OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are waiting for the Doctor)
Chandler: This is pretty cool.
Monica: What is?
Chandler: This. This picture of the female reproductive system. You got a lot going on in there with all those tubes and stuff.
Monica: Are you having vagina envy?
Chandler: I thought you only got that when you didn't have a vagina to play hide and seek with anymore.
(Dr. Kaczmarek enters)
Dr. Kaczmarek: How's my favorite bickering couple today?
Monica: Pretty good.
Chandler: The weather kinda sucks though.
Monica: Why do you do that?
Chandler: I was just making conversation.
Monica: I knew I should have left you at home.
Chandler: If it weren't for me we wouldn't be here in the first place!
Dr. Kaczmarek: Are you guys finished?
Monica: Sorry. We hadn't done that all day.
Chandler: Of course it's only 11 in the morning so it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Can we get started?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Ok, let's put your feet up in the stirrups Monica.
Chandler: You look really good when you do that.
Monica (sarcastically): Yeah, we should get some stirrups for the bedroom.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Any discomfort?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Any contractions?
Dr. Kaczmarek: Is this cold?
Monica (catching her breath): My God your hands are cold!
Dr. Kaczmarek: Are you guys still having sex?
Chandler: Not really.
Monica: What? I sucked on your….I mean we had sex this morning.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Are you having intercourse?
Monica: No. I don't wanna hurt the baby.
Dr. Kaczmarek: Monica, having intercourse will not hurt the baby.
Chandler: I told you.
Monica (to Dr. Kaczmarek): You expect me to have sex with him?
HUSTLER STRIP CLUB (Phoebe and Joey are present)
Joey: Now that girl has a rack.
Phoebe: You're looking at her boobs? What's wrong with you? Can't you see that she has her cooch pierced?
Joey: She does? (the stripper comes over to Joey) My God, her cooch is pierced! (Joey slips her a dollar) This was a great idea.
Phoebe: I'll be right back.
Joey: Where're you going? We just got here.
Phoebe: I'm going to get that woman's phone number.
DOCTOR'S OFFICE (Rachel, Ross, Caitlin and Dr. Verbeek are present)
Dr. Verbeek: Caitlin's looking good.
Ross: That's because of my wife.
Rachel: Thanks honey but I'm still not letting you buy that motorcycle.
Dr. Verbeek: Ok, Caitlin has to get her shots. I'll send Nurse Tierney in in a minute. Do you have any questions before I go?
Rachel: Actually, I have one question. I know you're not my doctor but I was wondering if you could look at my breasts?
Ross: What?! Only I'm allowed to see your bare breasts!
Rachel: Would you stop? I'm being serious. I found a lump this morning!
Ross: Oh. (to the Doctor) Is that serious?
Dr. Verbeek: It could be. Why don't you take your shirt off and I'll take a look?
Ross: Should Caitlin and I wait outside?
Dr. Verbeek: Why? Are you afraid of your wife's breasts?
Ross: No. I just thought that Rachel might want some privacy.
Rachel: Just sit Ross. This'll only take a minute.
(Rachel takes off her shirt and bra)
Dr. Verbeek: Are you still breast feeding?
Dr. Verbeek: Have you noticed any blood in your breast milk?
Dr. Verbeek: That's a good sign.
Ross: Are you cold honey?
Rachel: Not really, why?
Ross: Your nipples are standing at attention.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe you should wait outside.
Dr. Verbeek: Ok Rachel, hold still. (Dr. Verbeek examines Rachel)
Dr. Verbeek: That was a good catch Rachel. There might be something there. We better do an X-ray. Ok, while Caitlin's getting her shots, I'll have an X-ray done on you Rachel. Ok?
Dr. Verbeek: Ok, I'll be right back.
Ross: Are you ok?
Rachel: I'm a little freaked actually.
Ross: What could the lump be?
Rachel: It could be a cyst or something or it could be cancer.
Ross: Cancer? You're only 31.
Rachel: I know.
Ross (after a long pause): It's probably only a cyst.
Rachel: But what if it's not?
BURGER KING (Chandler and Monica are present)
Monica: I know I said you could take me wherever for lunch, but Burger King?
Chandler: Well since you're not letting me give you my Whopper I figured I'd get you one here.
Monica: Don't flatter yourself honey, it's not that big.
Chandler: Wanna go looking for wallpaper when we're done?
Chandler: You know, go find wallpaper for the baby's room. I figured we might as well get a head start on decorating Jerome's room.
Monica: We are so not naming the baby Jerome!
Chandler: What's wrong with Jerome?
Monica: Nothing really. We're just not naming the baby Jerome.
Chandler: How about Homer?
Monica: Yeah, that's much better.
Chandler: So we can name the baby Homer?
Monica: Over my dead body.
HUSTLER STRIP CLUB (Joey and Phoebe are present)
Joey: I'm bored.
Phoebe: How could you be bored? This place is crawling with women who aren't wearing any clothes.
Joey: I know. I'm sorry Pheebs, it's just not the same as when Chandler, Ross and I come here.
Phoebe: Why's that?
Joey: Well for one, you're actually really into this. All Chandler does is complain that the women ignore him, and Ross, yeah he spends the entire time trying to explain the theory of evolution to the waitresses.
Phoebe: And you're missing that?
Joey: Yeah. That way all the women pay attention to me. But the women here love you. I mean, how many phone numbers have you gotten?
Joey: And I've gotten nothing. I always leave these places with like 10 phone numbers, but you keep beating me to it.
Phoebe: I see your point. I got an idea. Wanna go?
Joey: What do you have in mind?
Phoebe: Just trust me.
Joey: Yeah, the last time I did that I wound up in jail.
Phoebe: Trust me. You'll love it.
Joey: Ok. But this better be better than that woman who just shot ping pong balls out of her vagina.
DOCTOR'S OFFICE (Ross and Caitlin are waiting for Nurse Tierney)
Ross: How's my little girl doing? Are you gonna be brave when you get your shots?
(Nurse Tierney enters)
Nurse Tierney: Hi. I'm Maura. I'll be giving Caitlin her shots today.
Ross: Hi, I'm Ross and this is Caitlin.
Nurse Tierney (taking out a needle): Ok Ross, I need you to hold onto Caitlin. Are you ready?
Ross: Yeah. Ah, where are you going to give her her shots?
Nurse Tierney: The injections will be into her butt.
Ross: Ok. I'm ready.
Nurse Tierney: Here we go. (Nurse Tierney gives Caitlin her first shot. Caitlin doesn't make a sound)
Ross: Did you do it yet?
Nurse Tierney: Yup. She didn't even move. She's a very brave little girl. Ok, two more and then we're done.
Ross (looking at the next needle): Ah, you better grab Caitlin.
Nurse Tierney (taking the baby): Are you ok Dr. Geller?
(Ross faints and crashes to the floor as Rachel enters)
Rachel: Looks like I got here right in time.
WALLPAPER EMPORIUM (Monica and Chandler are shopping for wallpaper)
Chandler: How 'bout if we name the baby Chester?
Monica: Chester? What kind of name is Chester?
Chandler: Hey, there was a United States President who was named Chester.
Monica: Really? Which President?
Chandler: Ah, ah, ah President Chester.
Monica: Next name please.
Chandler: Well why don't you tell me what you want to name the baby?
Monica: Because I haven't given it serious thought yet.
Chandler: How can that be? Rachel knew what she wanted to name her baby five minutes after she found out she was pregnant.
Monica: Then you should've married Rachel.
Chandler: I would've but Ross saw her first.
DOCTOR'S OFFICE (Rachel, Ross, Caitlin, Nurse Tierney and Dr. Verbeek are present)
Ross: What happened?
Nurse Tierney: You fainted.
Ross: No I didn't.
Rachel: Honey, you took a header straight to the floor. I told you that you couldn't handle Caitlin getting her shots.
Ross: That's not true, I made it through the first one. I just don't remember the next two.
Rachel: That's because you fainted.
Dr. Verbeek: Are you ok Ross?
Ross: Yeah, I'm fine. Is everything ok with you Rach?
Rachel: I don't know yet.
Ross: What do you mean you don't know?
Dr. Verbeek: The X-ray revealed something that might be growing on Rachel's left breast. We did a biopsy and should know the results in a couple of hours.
Ross: Are you saying that she could have cancer?
Dr. Verbeek: I'm not gonna lie to you, that's a very real possibility.
(Ross faints again)
Rachel: This is why I don't like taking him to Caitlin's doctor's appointments.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present. They're drinking)
Joey: This is much better then the strip club.
Phoebe: How many fingers am I holding up? (Phoebe lifts her hand up but forgets to hold up any fingers)
Phoebe: You see, your smart. I don't know why people think you're so stupid.
Joey: I don't know either. (Joey turns on the TV) Let's play the Baywatch game.
Phoebe: What's the Baywatch game?
Joey: Every time they either run, save a victim or show David Hasselhoff with his shirt off you have to drink.
Phoebe: That sounds like fun.
Joey: If you're not drunk already, you will be when the show's over!
Phoebe: And people say Baywatch sucks.
Joey: I know!
Phoebe: And when the show's over, do I have a surprise for you.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Chandler are present)
Chandler: I think I've got it. Hirihito.
Monica: That's a Japanese name.
Monica: It was also the name of the last Emperor of Japan who was a war criminal.
Chandler: And that's bad?
Monica: Ok, I can't take this anymore. Do you really want to know what we're naming the baby?
Monica: What I'm naming our child then. We're naming the baby Ryan.
Chandler: No we're not.
Monica: Yes we are.
Chandler: Come on, Bosley was a better name than Ryan.
Monica: Bosley is what you name a dog, not a baby.
Chandler: Yeah, well tell that to my fifth grade teacher.
(Rachel, Ross and Caitlin enter)
Monica: How was the doctor's?
Ross: It was fine.
Rachel: That's because you passed out for half the visit.
Chandler: Fainted again man?
Ross: Those needles just freak me out.
Rachel: What are you guys doing?
Chandler: We're deciding what to name our baby.
Rachel: I thought you guys were naming the baby Ryan?
Chandler: You told her before you told me?
Monica: It just came up.
Chandler: I don't believe this!
Ross: Get used to it man, it only goes down hill from here.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Baywatch is over. Phoebe and Joey are completely drunk)
Joey: I am so wasted. I gotta go pee. (Joey goes to stand up and falls over) I guess I could always pee my pants.
Phoebe: Are you ready for the show?
Joey: Bring it on baby!
(Phoebe turns on the stereo and starts dancing)
Joey: Do you want me to dance with you?
Phoebe: No, I just want you to sit there. (Phoebe takes off her shirt and throws it at Joey)
Joey: Oh Mama!
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin, Monica and Chandler are present)
Monica: Have you guys eaten yet?
Monica: Wanna come over for dinner?
Ross: Sure, that sure beats eating Rachel's cooking.
Rachel: Thanks a lot Ross.
Ross: Anytime honey.
Chandler: Still didn't use those cooking classes I got you Rach? (Rachel smacks Chandler in the head) Apparently that's a touchy subject.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is naked and dancing in front of Joey)
Joey: I really need to go to the bathroom!
Joey: 'Cause I'm about to explode in my pants!
Phoebe: Do you have a dollar?
Joey (checking his pockets): No, but I have a twenty.
Phoebe: That'll do. Put it on the table.
Joey: Yes ma'am. (Joey places on the twenty on the table) What are you gonna do?
Phoebe: I'm gonna do a little trick for you. (Phoebe spreads her legs and slow goes into the splits. She gets over the twenty dollar bill and picks it up with her, well use your imagination)
Joey: That's incredible!
(Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel and Caitlin enter)
Monica: Oh my God! What in the hell are you guys doing?!
Chandler: Wow, Phoebe really is stacked.
Ross (to Rachel): Can you pick up a dollar bill like that?
Rachel: No, but I think I wanna learn how.
(Cut to fifteen minutes later. Phoebe has put her clothes back on)
Monica: I've got one question for both of you. Why didn't you go to Joey's place to do that, that, that, whatever it was?
Joey: I don't have a stereo anymore. I pawned it for grocery money.
Phoebe: I'm so sorry Mon, we won't do it again.
Monica: I don't care if you do it again, just don't get naked in our apartment.
Chandler: Hey, don't include me in that statement. If Phoebe wants to get naked in this apartment and I'm the only one here, then she can get naked.
Phoebe: Like that would ever happen.
Ross: Did you check our messages Rach?
Rachel: Oh, I guess I should do that now. (Rachel picks up the phone and starts dialing)
Chandler: Can you do the ping pong trick too?
Phoebe: Of course, that's amateur stuff.
Monica: What's so important that you have to check your messages Ross?
Ross: We're waiting to hear on Rachel's biopsy.
Monica: Her what?
Ross: She might have breast cancer. (The room goes quiet as Rachel hangs up the phone) Well?
Rachel: It was negative. It was a cyst.
Ross (hugging Rachel): Thank God!
Joey: Can I see what you're talking about?
Rachel: Joey, I know how much you want to see my breasts, but now isn't a good time.
Joey: Damn it, it's never a good time for you to show me your hooters. (Everyone stares at Joey) What did I say?
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are in bed)
Chandler: Wanna have sex?
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Yeah. I guess it's ok. After all, Dr. Kaczmarek encouraged it.
Chandler: Yeah, it's not like the fetus is in the uterus going "man the battle stations, there's an unidentified one-eyed snake launching an invasion. Oh look at that it keeps moving forward and then retreating. Oh my God, it's gonna hit me on the head! Run for your lives!"
Monica: Yeah, you can pretty much count out having sex tonight. Goodnight.
Chandler: What? What did I do? Was it the one-eyed snake crack?