THE ONE WHERE PHOEBE LOSES JOEY
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Joey: I am so tired of being arrested.
Phoebe: I kind of enjoy it.
Ross: That's because you're sick in the head.
Rachel: Hey Joe, that woman is totally checking you out.
Joey (to Monica): How you doin?
Rachel: Not Monica you idiot, the woman behind her.
Chandler: And how many times have I told you not to hit on my wife when I'm present?
Joey: Sorry, Monica's just so hot. I can't help myself.
Monica (blushing): Oh Joe, you're so sweet.
Joey: You believed that crap? How dumb are you?
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is getting ready to go out as Chandler enters)
Joey: What's up?
Chandler: You really hurt Monica's feelings.
Joey: I know. I'm really sorry about that. I'll apologize to her when I get back.
Chandler: Where're you going?
Joey: I've got a date with Ashley.
Chandler: Who's Ashley?
Joey: That hot girl that was checking me out at the coffee shop.
Chandler: You really don't fool around do you?
Joey: Yes I do. I fool around all the time. And here I thought you knew me.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Rachel, Caitlin and Monica are present)
Monica: I can't believe Joey did that to me.
Rachel: Come on Mon, he was just kidding.
Monica: Still. He really hurt my feelings.
Rachel: Well I for one think you're hot and by the way, I don't sleep with ugly people.
Monica: You're just saying that. You sleep with Ross.
Rachel: Yeah, he is kinda ugly isn't he?
Monica: What are you doing today?
Rachel: I've got to get to work. There's a big staff meeting at noon. I'm off this week but I told Katie that I'd be there for the meeting.
Monica: You do realize that the last time there was a big staff meeting you got let go.
Rachel: Do you have to remember everything?
Monica: I'm just saying. What about Caitlin? Do you need me to watch her?
Rachel: No, that's ok. I'm gonna put her in day care at work to see how she does. What are you doing today?
Monica: I'm working the swing shift.
Rachel: Yeah, it's good that Chandler or Joey weren't here to pounce on that statement.
Monica: Why are they so juvenile?
Rachel: Because they're boys.
Monica: But Ross doesn't do that.
Rachel: Yeah, Ross is just a sissy.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Ross are present)
Ross: So did they press charges?
Phoebe: No. I think they were afraid of having Joey and I return to court.
Ross: Can I ask you a question?
Ross: Do you still have feelings for Joey?
Phoebe: Ok, you can ask me any question but that one.
Ross (long pause): Are you still in love with Joey?
Phoebe: That's the same question!
Ross: No it's not. The first question I asked if you have feelings for Joey. This time I asked you if you're still in love with Joey. The words are different, therefore it's not the same question.
Phoebe: I guess you never mess with a Doctor of Phlebotomy.
Ross: It's a Doctor of Paleontology.
Ross: So are or aren't you still in love with Joey?
Phoebe (filling with tears): Not really.
Ross: Are you crying?
Phoebe: No, my eyes are just watering.
Ross: You still love him don't you?
Phoebe: Yes! Ok, I still love the idiot!
Ross: Have you told him?
Phoebe: No. I just wanna get past this whole mess. I'll find someone new.
Ross: But do you wanna find someone new?
Phoebe: Are you sure your Doctorate isn't in Psychology?
Ross: I just know what it feels like when your best friend doesn't love you back.
Phoebe: Who did that to you?
Phoebe: She didn't want to be with you?
Ross: Well when you sleep with the Copy Girl three hours after you go on a break, your girlfriend tends to get really pissed at you. All I'm saying is that sometimes you just have to put yourself out there. Maybe he still loves you too.
Phoebe: Maybe he doesn't.
(Joey and Ashley enter)
Joey: Hey guys. This is Ashley.
Ross: Hi, I'm Ross.
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe.
Ashley: It's so nice to meet you guys.
Phoebe (under her breath): Whatever.
Joey: Have a seat Ashley, I'm gonna get us some coffee.
Ashley: So how long have you guys known Joey?
Phoebe: Too long.
Ross: What Phoebe is saying is that we've known him for almost ten years. We've got a really tight group of friends.
Ashley: Well I really hope that I fit in.
Phoebe (under her breath): Yeah, we'll see about that.
Joey (to Ashley): Are these guys being nice to you?
Ashley: Totally. I feel apart of the group already.
Phoebe: Well I have to be going. Aren't you coming Ross?
Ross: Where're we going?
Phoebe: To do that thing.
Ross: What thing?
Phoebe: The THING I told you about earlier.
Ross: Oh, that thing. I guess we'll see you guys later. See ya Joe, nice meeting you Ashley.
(Ross and Phoebe leave)
Ashley: That was strange. What's this thing that they have to do?
Joey: Oh, it's no big deal. See in our group of friends when someone needs help with something private, yeah we call that a thing.
Joey: Of course my "thing" always has to do with what's in my pants.
VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel is sitting in the board room with the other managers)
Katie: Thanks for coming everyone. At this time I'd like to formally welcome back Rachel to the fold. Her little tyke is down in daycare as we speak.
(everyone claps and Rachel's face turns red)
Katie: Ok, now on with the fun stuff. Company wide sales are off 14% and net profit is off 27%. What this all means is that we need to buckle our belts. As part of that cost cutting, we are laying off 30% of the workforce. Lower management positions are the biggest target. In front of each of you is a flow chart of the people who report to you. Each manager will determine whom to layoff. In the corner of each chart is the overall number of positions that must be eliminated. This is dirty work, but it has to be done. Any questions?
Co-Worker #1: Yeah, it looks like my entire department is being let go. What am I gonna do, run the whole department by myself?
Katie: Oops, you didn't get the message that you didn't have to attend this meeting?
Co-Worker #1: No.
Katie: See me after the meeting and I'll explain it to you.
Rachel (to the woman seated next to her): Looks like she just got eliminated herself.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, I only have to eliminate two people. How many do you have to cut?
Co-Worker #2: Good luck.
Katie: Ok, that's it everyone. Back to work. If you have any questions, please come see me. Ah Rachel, could I see you for a minute?
Rachel: What's up?
Katie: You know the person you just hired in LA?
Rachel: Yeah, Mark. What about him?
Katie: I need you to let him go as well.
Rachel: What? Wha…wha…why exactly?
Katie: We're consolidating the management structure. You're the new Executive Vice President in charge of the United States. We're rolling his duties into yours. But the best part is that we're upping your salary to $175,000 a year. Congratulations.
Rachel: Thanks, I guess.
Katie: Oh, one other thing, you're flight to LA leaves in six hours.
ALLESANDRO'S (Monica is doing whatever a head chef does. A waitress comes to see her)
Monica: Hey Francine, what's up?
Francine: There's some guy out front who says he knows you and wants to speak with you for a moment. Can I send him back?
Monica: What does he look like?
Francine: I think I've seen him on General Hospital.
Monica: Yeah, send him back. That's my husband's best friend.
(cut to a minute later)
Joey: Hey Mon.
Monica: What are you doing here Joey?
Joey: Well for one I came to apologize to you for putting you down this morning. That was really a mean stab and I'm sorry.
Monica: Thanks Joey. You really did hurt my feelings. You want a free meal don't you?
Joey: If that's ok. I brought my date Ashley and she really wants to eat here but as usual I don't have enough money to cover the tab.
Monica: I'm sorry Joe, I can't help you. I'm not allowed to comp meals anymore.
Joey: You can't be serious! You comped Rachel and Ross just last night.
Monica: Damn it, I need to learn to lie better.
Joey: So you'll do it.
Monica: Yeah, just don't go overboard.
Joey: What does that mean?
Monica: Never mind, get whatever you want.
Joey: Thanks Mon, I owe you one.
Monica: No Joe, you owe me about 50.
TOYS R US (Chandler is working as his boss Donna comes in)
Chandler: Hey Donna. What can I to do to you for you?
Chandler: What's up?
Donna: I need you to go to LA tonight.
Chandler: LA? What's in LA?
Donna: They're having a problem in their Data Processing Department and I need you to fix it.
Chandler: Can't I fix the problem over the phone?
Donna: No. Go to LA. Your flight leaves at 7pm. Go home and pack, if you miss your flight you’re a dead man.
Chandler: Yes ma'am.
Donna: Don't call me ma'am.
Chandler: Yes Donna.
Donna: Now be a good Quaker boy and go pack.
Chandler: Now you're sounding like my wife?
Donna: Is that being a good Quaker boy? (Chandler shakes his head no) That's what I thought.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: I've got a bad feeling about Ashley.
Ross: What are you talking about? She seemed totally sweet.
Phoebe: Do you want to date her?
Ross: No, I'm just saying that she seemed really nice.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I just sense that Joey is gonna get more then he bargained for.
Ross: So you're saying that you're strong in the Force.
Ross: Star Wars joke.
Phoebe: Sorry I'm a Star Trek fan.
Ross: Well you better tell Joey how you feel about him before it's too late then.
Phoebe: I would but he's out with that hoochie-mama right now.
Ross: Well see him as soon as he gets back.
Phoebe: Maybe I should just forget the whole thing.
Ross: I'm telling you Pheebs, you've got to take a risk. That's all.
Rachel: Hey guys.
Ross: How was work?
Rachel: It sucked, we're laying a bunch of people off.
Phoebe: Now I'm really not gonna get a job there.
Rachel: You never were in the first place Phoebe. (to Ross) Oh by the way, my flight to LA leaves at 7pm tonight.
Ross: You're going to LA again?
Rachel: Yeah, I have to go fire Mark.
Ross: Who's Mark?
Rachel: You know who Mark is.
Ross: You mean the Mark who broke us up years ago? That Mark?
Rachel: Ok, one, you slept with the Copy Girl, that's why we broke up. And two, I don't have to justify my actions to you.
Ross: You, you, you saw Mark when you went to LA a couple of weeks ago?
Rachel: Yes and I hired him to run the Western Division and now I have to go and let him go.
Ross: You, you, you…..
Rachel: Yes I hired him and I didn't tell you.
Phoebe: I think I'm gonna be leaving.
Ross: Wait up Phoebe, I'm going with you.
Rachel: No you're not. You're gonna help me pack for LA.
Ross: Let's go Phoebe.
Ross: Bye honey, have a safe flight.
Rachel: What about Caitlin?!
Ross: Drop her off at Monica's. I'll pick her up later.
(Ross and Phoebe leave)
Rachel: Awe sh^t!
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Ashley are present and making out in the kitchen)
Joey: You're a really good kisser.
Ashley: You should see me in bed.
Joey: Lead the way.
Ashley: After my last boyfriend I promised myself that I wouldn't sleep with another man until I was married.
Joey: Really? That's totally against my philosophy. Maybe we should just call it an evening then.
Ashley: Don't you like me?
Joey: Yeah, I really do.
Ashley: Don't you want to sleep with me?
Joey: Of course I do, I'm a man after all.
Ashley: Well I know a way you could sleep with me this evening if you really want to.
Joey: What's that?
Ashley: Follow me.
(Joey and Ashley leave)
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Phoebe and Ross are present)
Ross: I can't believe she hired Mark and didn't even tell me.
Phoebe: Well she probably knew you'd react the way you reacted.
Ross: I would've been fine with it.
Phoebe: I bet they slept together.
Ross: What?! I'll kick his scrawny little ass!
Phoebe: See, you're overreacting. You couldn't kick anyone's ass.
Chandler: Seriously Ross, you're married now. Rachel's not about to go sleep with an old friend just for the fun of it. She loves you man.
Ross: I know. I'm just really mad that she kept it from me.
Chandler: I thought you were working until 11pm.
Monica: I was until I found out that you were leaving for LA. I wanted to come home and say goodbye to my little Quaker Boy.
Chandler: Donna called here again and left a message didn't she?
Ross: What time's your flight Chandler?
Ross: That's when Rachel's flight is. Maybe you're on the same flight.
Chandler: That would be cool. Maybe we're staying in the same hotel too. Then we can get one room instead of two.
Chandler: Just checking to see if you were listening.
(Rachel and Caitlin enter)
Rachel: Hey guys. Here's Caitlin Ross. Ready to go Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah, I just have to find my toothbrush.
Phoebe: Was yours the green one?
Chandler: Yeah, why?
Phoebe: It accidentally fell in the toilet but I microwaved it to kill the bacteria so it should be ok.
Chandler: We've got to stop at Rite Aid Rach to get a toothbrush.
Rachel: Well we better go. It takes forever to get through the security checkpoints these days.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know what you mean. When I picked my friend Bosley up at the airport I had to take off my shirt and bra to show the security guys that it was by nipple rings setting off the metal detectors.
Rachel: Ross, can I speak to you in the hall for a minute?
Ross: Fine. Could you watch Caitlin Pheebs?
Phoebe: I'd love to. (to Caitlin) Hello there, hello. Yes it's your godmother. Oh look at that, you just threw up all over the place.
(cut to the hall)
Rachel: I guess I'll see you when I get back.
Rachel: I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Mark but I didn't think it was important.
Ross: Yeah, I wish there were mashed potatoes around so I could huck a spoonful at you.
Rachel: This is kinda like the Julie situation isn't it?
Ross: I guess so.
Rachel: I'm sorry.
Ross: I know. I'm sorry I left. Have a safe flight and call me when you get to LA.
Rachel: It'll be like 4am.
Ross: Don't worry, I'll be up.
Ross: Caitlin never sleeps when her Mommy isn't home.
(cut to inside)
Chandler: Alright, I'm ready to roll. Bye Mon. (kisses Monica) Bye Phoebe.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Chandler: Let's do it.
(Just as Rachel and Chandler go to leave, Joey and Ashley enter)
Joey: Hey guys. I have an announcement.
Rachel: Well make it quick, Chandler and I have to get to the airport.
Joey: Oh, Chandler, Rachel, Monica, this is Ashley.
(they wave hi)
Chandler: Joe, what is it? Rachel and I really have to go.
Joey: Ok. Ladies and Gentlemen, I like to present to you Mr. & Mrs. Tribbiani.
Joey: That's right. Ashley and I got married an hour ago. Now if you'll excuse us, we're gonna go have sex.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is sitting in the dark. Ross enters)
Ross: Yeah. How are you doing?
Phoebe: I'm ok.
Ross: Is that why you're sitting in the dark?
(Ross flicks on the lights and finds Phoebe curled up on the couch. She's been crying)
Ross: Do you need anything?
Ross: I just wanted to make sure you were alright.
Phoebe: I'm peachy. I've lost Joey, but I'm peachy.
Ross: Don't worry Pheebs, that marriage won't last longer than it takes Joey to each a meatball sandwich.
Phoebe: I hope you're right.
Ross: Well as long as you don't seek Rachel's advice, I'll be right.
Phoebe: Why's that?
Ross: Rachel always has to be right.