THE ONE WITH MONICAíS BIRTHDAY
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Ross and Joey are present)
Ross: Are you doing anything special for Monís birthday?
Chandler: Her birthday is coming up?
Joey: Dude, her birthdayís tomorrow.
Chandler: How can you remember when Monicaís birthday is when you canít even remember what your home phone number is?
Joey: Ross told me on the way here.
Ross: So are you gonna do anything?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess Iíll take her to dinner or something.
Ross: Why donít we throw her a surprise birthday party?
Chandler: Because sheís not 11?
Joey: Yeah, we could get a stripper and everything.
Ross: Joey, Monicaís not gonna want a stripper at her birthday party.
Joey: Who said it was for Monica?
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Chandler: I think Iím just gonna take Mon out for her birthday. Plus, our anniversary is getting close and I was gonna throw her a surprise anniversary party.
Ross: Are you stupid or something? You throw surprise birthday parties, not surprise anniversary parties.
Joey: He would know, he is on his fourth marriage after all. (Ross glares at Joey) Iíve got to get to the set.
(Joey leaves as Rachel, Monica and Phoebe enter)
Phoebe: Bye honey.
Joey: See ya later sweetums. Hey Monica and Rach.
Rachel: See ya Joe.
Monica: Sweetums huh? You guys are totally acting like a married couple.
Phoebe: Thatís only when weíre in public. You should hear his nickname in the bedroom.
Rachel: What is it?
Phoebe: I canít say. Weíre in public.
Rachel: Come on, what is it?
Phoebe: Ok. (she whispers something in Rachelís ear)
Rachel: Phoebe! Thatís gross!
Phoebe: I told you it was for the bedroom only.
Monica: I wanna know! (Rachel whispers in MonicaĎs ear) Phoebe! Youíre sick!
Phoebe: Donít call me sick, Joeyís the one that came up with it. (to Chandler and Ross) Hey guys.
Ross: Whatís gross?
Rachel: Just forget about it sweetie. Iíll tell you later.
Monica: What are still doing here Chandler? Arenít you supposed to be at work?
Chandler: Itís Saturday. I donít work on Saturdays.
Monica: Then why didnít you go to work yesterday?
Chandler: My case of hemorrhoids flared up.
Chandler: I called in sick.
Monica: Iím calling Bill.
Chandler: If you do that we wonít have my hefty paycheck coming in and youíll live in that apartment forever.
Monica: Oh, forget I even mentioned calling Bill.
Chandler: Thatís right, listen to your husband.
Monica: Iíll be right back.
Rachel: Where are you going? We just got here.
Monica: To call Chandlerís boss.
(Monica leaves with Chandler running after her)
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Ross are present)
Phoebe: Has Joey been acting strange around you?
Ross: If you call him ordering his sandwiches in Italian strange, then yeah.
Phoebe: I think somethingís up with him.
Ross: Like what?
Phoebe: I dunno. I canít put my finger on it.
Ross: This definitely isnít a bedroom problem then.
Phoebe: No, heís never weird in there.
Ross: When did he start acting weird?
Phoebe: Right after we had dinner with his parents last week.
Ross: Well didnít it come out that you two were married?
Phoebe: Yeah. So?
Ross: So maybe heís just acting weird now that he knows that his parents know heís married.
Phoebe: That could be it. You know what else is strange?
Ross: That youíre fly is down and I can see your pink panties?
Phoebe: Oops. Does Rachel have these by the way?
Ross: I donít know, she hasnít worn underwear in a month.
Phoebe: Yeah, I did that in the latter stages of my pregnancy too. What I was gonna say is that Joey hasnít had a date all week. Donít you think thatís odd?
Ross: Not really, you are married after all.
Phoebe: But heís allowed to go out on dates.
Ross: Then yeah, thatís definitely weird. You want me to talk to him?
Phoebe: Yeah. Youíre such a great friend Ross, in spite of all those things I say about you behind your back.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Rachel are present)
Rachel: So what are you gonna do for Monica tomorrow?
Chandler: I donít know. All the good restaurants are booked solid. What am I gonna do?
Rachel: Make her dinner.
Chandler: Ok, serving Mac and Cheese and hot dogs for my wifeís birthday dinner isnít gonna win me any points.
Rachel: Iíd help you, but I donít know how to cook either.
Chandler: I know, Ross has told me all about your cooking exploits. Didnít he give you cooking lessons for Christmas?
Rachel: That was you.
Chandler: Ok, surprise birthday party it is. Will you help?
Rachel: After that last crack?
Chandler: You have the prettiest eyes out of all the girls I know.
Chandler: Even better than Monicaís.
Rachel: What do you need me to do?
Chandler: You do realize that Iím referring to your breasts right?
Rachel: Yeah. No one can top Monicaís eyes.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Joey are present)
Monica: So did Chandler remember itís my birthday tomorrow?
Monica: Did you remind him?
Monica: Did you at least give him a hint?
Monica: So heís pretty much going to forget.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Everyone but Monica is present)
Ross: Whatís going on?
Joey: They found out I hired a stripper and theyĎre gonna punish me.
Rachel: You hired a stripper? For what?
Joey: For Monicaís surprise birthday party.
Rachel: Howíd you know weĎre throwing Monica a surprise birthday party?
Phoebe: Dah, he lives with me. Iím intuitive, remember?
Rachel: We are not having a stripper at Monicaís birthday party.
Joey: Fine. But just so you know, she was really hot.
Joey: Yeah, like Iíd want to see a male stripper, only Chandlerís into that.
Chandler: Hey, Iím right here!
Joey: I know buddy.
Rachel: Look, we donít have a lot of time to prepare for this party so everyone has to help out. Phoebe and I will handle the guest list. Chandler and Ross, youíre in charge of the food and beverages. Joey, just show up.
Joey: Hey, I wanna help.
Rachel: Fine. You distract Monica tomorrow night. Make her think that Chandler forgot her birthday.
Joey: Thatís easy. Until today, he had forgotten.
Ross: Whoís coming so far?
Phoebe: The four of us and Gunther.
Ross: You invited Gunther?!
Rachel: I invited Gunther.
Ross: You invited Gunther?! Did you forget what he did at our wedding already?
Rachel: Calm down Ross. I already told him to stay away from you.
Chandler: Hey, thatís just like what the entire female population did when Ross was single.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (The next morning. Chandler and Monica are in bed)
Monica: What are you gonna do today?
Chandler: Actually, I have to go to the office for awhile.
Chandler: Relax. Since I didnít go to work on Friday, Iíve got to go catch up on some paperwork. Iíll be home by three.
Monica: You donít wanna spend the day with me?
Chandler: Iíd love to honey, but I promised Bill that Iíd have the WENUS to him by Monday morning.
Monica: Fine. Go to work. I donít care.
Chandler: Did I do something wrong?
Monica: No. I understand. Go to work and Iíll see you when you get home.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Joey are present)
Joey: Dude, what was so important that you couldnít let me sleep in?
Ross: Joey, itís noon.
Joey: I know! I donít get up until 1 on Sundays!
Ross: Is everything alright?
Joey: Well Iím a little pissed off that you woke me up before 1.
Ross: Pheebs says you didnít have a date all week. Whatís wrong with you?
Joey: Thatís what you wanted to talk to me about?
Ross: Yeah. So what gives?
Joey: Nothing gives. Iím just taking a break from dating.
Joey: You donít buy that?
Ross: Not even close. Whatís really going on?
Joey: I think I wanna stay married to Phoebe after sheís served her time.
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Rachel are present)
Rachel: Did you call everyone?
Phoebe: Yeah. It looks like weíll have about fifty people there. Did you call your in-laws?
Rachel: Yeah. Theyíre coming. Of course I had to remind Mrs. Geller that today was Monicaís birthday.
Phoebe: Itís too bad Chandlerís parents arenít around.
Rachel: I donít know about that. I have difficulty telling them apart when Chandlerís Dad dresses in drag.
Phoebe: I know what you mean. At the wedding I thought I was talking to Mrs. Bing and I made a crack about Chandlerís Dad, only to find out that I was talking to Chandlerís Dad.
Rachel: So howís married life?
Phoebe: Not bad. Iím thinking of asking Joey to extend my sentence for good behavior.
Rachel: Donít you mean shorten your sentence? You shorten your sentence for good behavior, not lengthen it.
Phoebe: I know that, but Iím married to Joey. He doesnít understand that.
Rachel: Are you saying you like being married to Joey?
Phoebe: I love being married to Joey. We shouldíve gotten married a long time ago. Heís so considerate and loving. Heís like a new man.
Rachel: It sounds like youíve killed womanizing Joey.
Phoebe: Pretty much. Pretty much stuck a fork in womanizing Joey.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Joey are present)
Ross: Did I hear you right? You wanna stay married to Phoebe after sheís served her sentence?
Joey: Yeah. Whatís the big deal?
Ross: You married her to punish her for stealing Hugsy, not to stay married for a lifetime.
Joey: You donít think I donít know that?
Ross: No I donít Joey. I think youíve lost your mind.
Joey: Look, Phoebe and Iís arrangement is perfect. Weíre married but we can still see and sleep with other people. Who could I find to marry me whoíd agree to those stipulations?
Ross: Huh, I never looked at it that way. Rachel and I agreed to spend the rest of lives together.
Joey: As did Phoebe and I. We just agreed that we could see and sleep with other people. Itís really a win-win situation for both of us.
Ross: I think Iíve totally misjudged your relationship with Phoebe. Youíve got it made.
Joey: I know. But for your sake, we never had this conversation.
Ross: Why not?
Joey: You want Rachel to find out that you think itís a good idea for married couples to have other sex partners?
Ross: Right. This conversation never happened.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Monica are present)
Monica: Whereís everyone?
Joey: Ross and Rachel went to your parents for dinner. Phoebe went to see Phoebe Sr. and Chandler, well I donít know where Chandler is. But hey, Iím right here. I didnít forget your birthday. (hands Monica a present)
Monica: Thanks Joey. Thatís so sweet. What is it?
Joey: Open it! Open it!
Monica: Itís, itís three pairs of crotchless undies. Thatís just what I need Joey, thanks so much.
Joey: Thatís why I got this for you. (hands her another present)
Monica: Is this the missing fabric for the crotchless undies?
Joey: No. Itís much better.
Monica: Edible undies?
Joey: You wouldíve liked that?
Monica: No. (pause to open present) Ah Joey, you shouldnít have! These are perfect. Howíd you know I love bath salts?
Joey: Phoebe told me.
Monica: Well this makes my day a little bit better. (pause - starting to cry) Chandler was supposed to be home hours ago. I canít believe my own husband forgot my birthday.
Joey: Do you want me to take you home Mon?
Monica: Yeah. Do you have a tissue?
Joey: No, but you can use my shirt. (Monica blows her nose on Joeyís shirt) Wow, it looks like I got my birthday present from you early this year.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (All of the party guests have arrived)
Ross: Joey should be here any minute now.
Chandler: If he can remember where Monica lives.
(the intercom buzzer goes off)
Rachel: Thatís them. Everyone hide.
Mrs. Geller: Why are we hiding?
Mr. Geller: Itís our little harmonicaís birthday.
Mrs. Geller: It is? I thought it was Rossís birthday.
Ross: My birthdayís in December Mom. Now hide!
(The lights are turned off and everyone hides. Cut to outside the door)
Joey: Are you sure youíre ok Monica?
Monica: Iíll be fine. I wish I could say the same thing for Chandler.
Joey: Donít be too hard on him. Heís been going through a lot lately with the miscarriage and all.
Monica: That was me Joey.
Joey: Oh yeah, I always mixed that up. Well Iíll see you later.
Monica: Thanks for the presents Joey. Maybe you can come over and see me in the crotchless panties later?
Joey: Excuse me?
Monica: Well itís not like Chandlerís going to be seeing me in them any time soon, so you might as well take a peek.
Joey: Are you serious?
Monica: No. Iím only kidding.
Joey: Damn, you had me going there for a minute.
Monica: Bye Joe.
(Monica opens the door and turns on the lights)
Monica: Holy sh$t! I think I just wet myself.
Chandler: Happy birthday honey.
Monica: You remembered!
Chandler: Of course honey. Iíd never forget your birthday.
Monica: Did they have to remind you?
Chandler: Is that really important?
Monica: No, I guess not. So was it Ross who reminded you?
Rachel: Happy birthday Mon.
Ross: Wow, it looks like you got your first gray hair for your birthday.
Ross: Hold still, Iíll pull it out for you. (Ross pulls the hair out) Here you go. Youíre first gray hair. Hope you like your present. Itís from Rachel and me.
Mrs. Geller: Happy birthday Monica. So how does it feel to be 30?
Monica: Iím 31 Mom.
Mrs. Geller: Oh. Well happy 31st birthday honey. Oh, and you should really do something with your hair, youíre starting to look like a hippy.
Monica: Thanks Mom. Thanks for coming. Iíll get right on the hair thing.
Mr. Geller: Happy birthday sweetie.
Monica: Thanks Dad.
Mr. Geller: Since youíre 31 now, are you and Chandler gonna start having kids? Your biological clock is really starting to tick.
Monica: I know Dad, I know. Weíre working on it.
Mr. Geller: Maybe Chandlerís shooting blanks.
Monica: Chandlerís fine Dad. Heís not shooting blanks.
Mr. Geller: Then whatís the problem?
Monica: I donít know Dad. Why donít you go have a beer or something?
Chandler: Happy birthday sweetie.
Monica: Thanks, now letís go have sex.
Chandler: Are you sure itís not my birthday?
Monica: Do you want me or not?
Chandler: Lead the way. (Chandler and Monica go into the bathroom)
(cut to Phoebe and Joey)
Phoebe: Joey, you know how Iíve been really good since we got married?
Joey: No you havenít!
Phoebe: Ok, with the exception of telling your parents that we got married, Iíve been good.
Phoebe: I was just wondering if you could extend my sentence?
Joey: Why would I do that?
Phoebe: Because Iíve been on my best behavior.
Joey: Ok. Sounds fine to me. How long to you want to extend your punishment for?
Phoebe: Another year.
Joey: Thatíd work. So weíll get divorced after two years instead of one?
Phoebe: Looks that way.
Joey: Great. Iím really glad youíve been on your best behavior.
Phoebe: Would you be interested in having kids?
Joey: Donít push your luck Phoebe.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone is present - Chandler and Monica are in the bathroom)
Ross: Whereís Monica and Chandler? I havenít seen them.
Rachel: Last time I saw Chandler he was going into the bathroom.
Phoebe: Maybe Monica snuck off with Gunther.
Phoebe: Well sheíd have to have sex with someone other than Chandler. Heís been stinking up the bathroom for hours. What did that boy have for lunch?
(Monica and Chandler emerge from the bathroom looking disheveled)
Chandler: Happy Birthday Mon.
Monica (surprised to see everyone): You guys are still here?
Joey: Been getting lucky?
Chandler: Maybe, why?
Ross: Because Monicaís got, ah, letís just say thatís she got some stuff in her hair.