THE ONE WITH MONICA’S BIRTHDAY

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Ross and Joey are present)

Ross: Are you doing anything special for Mon’s birthday?

Chandler: Her birthday is coming up?

Joey: Dude, her birthday’s tomorrow.

Chandler: How can you remember when Monica’s birthday is when you can’t even remember what your home phone number is?

Joey: Ross told me on the way here.

Ross: So are you gonna do anything?

Chandler: Yeah, I guess I’ll take her to dinner or something.

Ross: Why don’t we throw her a surprise birthday party?

Chandler: Because she’s not 11?

Joey: Yeah, we could get a stripper and everything.

Ross: Joey, Monica’s not gonna want a stripper at her birthday party.

Joey: Who said it was for Monica?

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

Chandler: I think I’m just gonna take Mon out for her birthday. Plus, our anniversary is getting close and I was gonna throw her a surprise anniversary party.

Ross: Are you stupid or something? You throw surprise birthday parties, not surprise anniversary parties.

Joey: He would know, he is on his fourth marriage after all. (Ross glares at Joey) I’ve got to get to the set.

(Joey leaves as Rachel, Monica and Phoebe enter)

Phoebe: Bye honey.

Joey: See ya later sweetums. Hey Monica and Rach.

Rachel: See ya Joe.

Monica: Sweetums huh? You guys are totally acting like a married couple.

Phoebe: That’s only when we’re in public. You should hear his nickname in the bedroom.

Rachel: What is it?

Phoebe: I can’t say. We’re in public.

Rachel: Come on, what is it?

Phoebe: Ok. (she whispers something in Rachel’s ear)

Rachel: Phoebe! That’s gross!

Phoebe: I told you it was for the bedroom only.

Monica: I wanna know! (Rachel whispers in Monica‘s ear) Phoebe! You’re sick!

Phoebe: Don’t call me sick, Joey’s the one that came up with it. (to Chandler and Ross) Hey guys.

Ross: What’s gross?

Rachel: Just forget about it sweetie. I’ll tell you later.

Monica: What are still doing here Chandler? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?

Chandler: It’s Saturday. I don’t work on Saturdays.

Monica: Then why didn’t you go to work yesterday?

Chandler: My case of hemorrhoids flared up.

Monica: What?

Chandler: I called in sick.

Monica: I’m calling Bill.

Chandler: If you do that we won’t have my hefty paycheck coming in and you’ll live in that apartment forever.

Monica: Oh, forget I even mentioned calling Bill.

Chandler: That’s right, listen to your husband.

Monica: I’ll be right back.

Rachel: Where are you going? We just got here.

Monica: To call Chandler’s boss.

(Monica leaves with Chandler running after her)

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Ross are present)

Phoebe: Has Joey been acting strange around you?

Ross: If you call him ordering his sandwiches in Italian strange, then yeah.

Phoebe: I think something’s up with him.

Ross: Like what?

Phoebe: I dunno. I can’t put my finger on it.

Ross: This definitely isn’t a bedroom problem then.

Phoebe: No, he’s never weird in there.

Ross: When did he start acting weird?

Phoebe: Right after we had dinner with his parents last week.

Ross: Well didn’t it come out that you two were married?

Phoebe: Yeah. So?

Ross: So maybe he’s just acting weird now that he knows that his parents know he’s married.

Phoebe: That could be it. You know what else is strange?

Ross: That you’re fly is down and I can see your pink panties?

Phoebe: Oops. Does Rachel have these by the way?

Ross: I don’t know, she hasn’t worn underwear in a month.

Phoebe: Yeah, I did that in the latter stages of my pregnancy too. What I was gonna say is that Joey hasn’t had a date all week. Don’t you think that’s odd?

Ross: Not really, you are married after all.

Phoebe: But he’s allowed to go out on dates.

Ross: Then yeah, that’s definitely weird. You want me to talk to him?

Phoebe: Yeah. You’re such a great friend Ross, in spite of all those things I say about you behind your back.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Rachel are present)

Rachel: So what are you gonna do for Monica tomorrow?

Chandler: I don’t know. All the good restaurants are booked solid. What am I gonna do?

Rachel: Make her dinner.

Chandler: Ok, serving Mac and Cheese and hot dogs for my wife’s birthday dinner isn’t gonna win me any points.

Rachel: I’d help you, but I don’t know how to cook either.

Chandler: I know, Ross has told me all about your cooking exploits. Didn’t he give you cooking lessons for Christmas?

Rachel: That was you.

Chandler: Ok, surprise birthday party it is. Will you help?

Rachel: After that last crack?

Chandler: You have the prettiest eyes out of all the girls I know.

Rachel: Really?

Chandler: Even better than Monica’s.

Rachel: What do you need me to do?

Chandler: You do realize that I’m referring to your breasts right?

Rachel: Yeah. No one can top Monica’s eyes.

CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Joey are present)

Monica: So did Chandler remember it’s my birthday tomorrow?

Joey: No.

Monica: Did you remind him?

Joey: No.

Monica: Did you at least give him a hint?

Joey: No.

Monica: So he’s pretty much going to forget.

Joey: Probably.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Monica is present)

Ross: What’s going on?

Joey: They found out I hired a stripper and they‘re gonna punish me.

Rachel: You hired a stripper? For what?

Joey: For Monica’s surprise birthday party.

Rachel: How’d you know we‘re throwing Monica a surprise birthday party?

Phoebe: Dah, he lives with me. I’m intuitive, remember?

Rachel: We are not having a stripper at Monica’s birthday party.

Joey: Fine. But just so you know, she was really hot.

Ross: She?

Joey: Yeah, like I’d want to see a male stripper, only Chandler’s into that.

Chandler: Hey, I’m right here!

Joey: I know buddy.

Rachel: Look, we don’t have a lot of time to prepare for this party so everyone has to help out. Phoebe and I will handle the guest list. Chandler and Ross, you’re in charge of the food and beverages. Joey, just show up.

Joey: Hey, I wanna help.

Rachel: Fine. You distract Monica tomorrow night. Make her think that Chandler forgot her birthday.

Joey: That’s easy. Until today, he had forgotten.

Ross: Who’s coming so far?

Phoebe: The four of us and Gunther.

Ross: You invited Gunther?!

Rachel: I invited Gunther.

Ross: You invited Gunther?! Did you forget what he did at our wedding already?

Rachel: Calm down Ross. I already told him to stay away from you.

Chandler: Hey, that’s just like what the entire female population did when Ross was single.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (The next morning. Chandler and Monica are in bed)

Monica: What are you gonna do today?

Chandler: Actually, I have to go to the office for awhile.

Monica: What?!

Chandler: Relax. Since I didn’t go to work on Friday, I’ve got to go catch up on some paperwork. I’ll be home by three.

Monica: You don’t wanna spend the day with me?

Chandler: I’d love to honey, but I promised Bill that I’d have the WENUS to him by Monday morning.

Monica: Fine. Go to work. I don’t care.

Chandler: Did I do something wrong?

Monica: No. I understand. Go to work and I’ll see you when you get home.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Joey are present)

Joey: Dude, what was so important that you couldn’t let me sleep in?

Ross: Joey, it’s noon.

Joey: I know! I don’t get up until 1 on Sundays!

Ross: Is everything alright?

Joey: Well I’m a little pissed off that you woke me up before 1.

Ross: Pheebs says you didn’t have a date all week. What’s wrong with you?

Joey: That’s what you wanted to talk to me about?

Ross: Yeah. So what gives?

Joey: Nothing gives. I’m just taking a break from dating.

Ross: What?!

Joey: You don’t buy that?

Ross: Not even close. What’s really going on?

Joey: I think I wanna stay married to Phoebe after she’s served her time.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Rachel are present)

Rachel: Did you call everyone?

Phoebe: Yeah. It looks like we’ll have about fifty people there. Did you call your in-laws?

Rachel: Yeah. They’re coming. Of course I had to remind Mrs. Geller that today was Monica’s birthday.

Phoebe: It’s too bad Chandler’s parents aren’t around.

Rachel: I don’t know about that. I have difficulty telling them apart when Chandler’s Dad dresses in drag.

Phoebe: I know what you mean. At the wedding I thought I was talking to Mrs. Bing and I made a crack about Chandler’s Dad, only to find out that I was talking to Chandler’s Dad.

Rachel: So how’s married life?

Phoebe: Not bad. I’m thinking of asking Joey to extend my sentence for good behavior.

Rachel: Don’t you mean shorten your sentence? You shorten your sentence for good behavior, not lengthen it.

Phoebe: I know that, but I’m married to Joey. He doesn’t understand that.

Rachel: Are you saying you like being married to Joey?

Phoebe: I love being married to Joey. We should’ve gotten married a long time ago. He’s so considerate and loving. He’s like a new man.

Rachel: It sounds like you’ve killed womanizing Joey.

Phoebe: Pretty much. Pretty much stuck a fork in womanizing Joey.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Joey are present)

Ross: Did I hear you right? You wanna stay married to Phoebe after she’s served her sentence?

Joey: Yeah. What’s the big deal?

Ross: You married her to punish her for stealing Hugsy, not to stay married for a lifetime.

Joey: You don’t think I don’t know that?

Ross: No I don’t Joey. I think you’ve lost your mind.

Joey: Look, Phoebe and I’s arrangement is perfect. We’re married but we can still see and sleep with other people. Who could I find to marry me who’d agree to those stipulations?

Ross: Huh, I never looked at it that way. Rachel and I agreed to spend the rest of lives together.

Joey: As did Phoebe and I. We just agreed that we could see and sleep with other people. It’s really a win-win situation for both of us.

Ross: I think I’ve totally misjudged your relationship with Phoebe. You’ve got it made.

Joey: I know. But for your sake, we never had this conversation.

Ross: Why not?

Joey: You want Rachel to find out that you think it’s a good idea for married couples to have other sex partners?

Ross: Right. This conversation never happened.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Monica are present)

Monica: Where’s everyone?

Joey: Ross and Rachel went to your parents for dinner. Phoebe went to see Phoebe Sr. and Chandler, well I don’t know where Chandler is. But hey, I’m right here. I didn’t forget your birthday. (hands Monica a present)

Monica: Thanks Joey. That’s so sweet. What is it?

Joey: Open it! Open it!

Monica: It’s, it’s three pairs of crotchless undies. That’s just what I need Joey, thanks so much.

Joey: Seriously?

Monica: No.

Joey: That’s why I got this for you. (hands her another present)

Monica: Is this the missing fabric for the crotchless undies?

Joey: No. It’s much better.

Monica: Edible undies?

Joey: You would’ve liked that?

Monica: No. (pause to open present) Ah Joey, you shouldn’t have! These are perfect. How’d you know I love bath salts?

Joey: Phoebe told me.

Monica: Well this makes my day a little bit better. (pause - starting to cry) Chandler was supposed to be home hours ago. I can’t believe my own husband forgot my birthday.

Joey: Do you want me to take you home Mon?

Monica: Yeah. Do you have a tissue?

Joey: No, but you can use my shirt. (Monica blows her nose on Joey’s shirt) Wow, it looks like I got my birthday present from you early this year.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (All of the party guests have arrived)

Ross: Joey should be here any minute now.

Chandler: If he can remember where Monica lives.

(the intercom buzzer goes off)

Rachel: That’s them. Everyone hide.

Mrs. Geller: Why are we hiding?

Mr. Geller: It’s our little harmonica’s birthday.

Mrs. Geller: It is? I thought it was Ross’s birthday.

Ross: My birthday’s in December Mom. Now hide!

(The lights are turned off and everyone hides. Cut to outside the door)

Joey: Are you sure you’re ok Monica?

Monica: I’ll be fine. I wish I could say the same thing for Chandler.

Joey: Don’t be too hard on him. He’s been going through a lot lately with the miscarriage and all.

Monica: That was me Joey.

Joey: Oh yeah, I always mixed that up. Well I’ll see you later.

Monica: Thanks for the presents Joey. Maybe you can come over and see me in the crotchless panties later?

Joey: Excuse me?

Monica: Well it’s not like Chandler’s going to be seeing me in them any time soon, so you might as well take a peek.

Joey: Are you serious?

Monica: No. I’m only kidding.

Joey: Damn, you had me going there for a minute.

Monica: Bye Joe.

(Monica opens the door and turns on the lights)

All: Surprise!

Monica: Holy sh$t! I think I just wet myself.

Chandler: Happy birthday honey.

Monica: You remembered!

Chandler: Of course honey. I’d never forget your birthday.

Monica: Did they have to remind you?

Chandler: Is that really important?

Monica: No, I guess not. So was it Ross who reminded you?

Chandler: Yeah.

Rachel: Happy birthday Mon.

Monica: Thanks.

Ross: Wow, it looks like you got your first gray hair for your birthday.

Monica: No!

Ross: Hold still, I’ll pull it out for you. (Ross pulls the hair out) Here you go. You’re first gray hair. Hope you like your present. It’s from Rachel and me.

Mrs. Geller: Happy birthday Monica. So how does it feel to be 30?

Monica: I’m 31 Mom.

Mrs. Geller: Oh. Well happy 31st birthday honey. Oh, and you should really do something with your hair, you’re starting to look like a hippy.

Monica: Thanks Mom. Thanks for coming. I’ll get right on the hair thing.

Mr. Geller: Happy birthday sweetie.

Monica: Thanks Dad.

Mr. Geller: Since you’re 31 now, are you and Chandler gonna start having kids? Your biological clock is really starting to tick.

Monica: I know Dad, I know. We’re working on it.

Mr. Geller: Maybe Chandler’s shooting blanks.

Monica: Chandler’s fine Dad. He’s not shooting blanks.

Mr. Geller: Then what’s the problem?

Monica: I don’t know Dad. Why don’t you go have a beer or something?

(Chandler approaches)

Chandler: Happy birthday sweetie.

Monica: Thanks, now let’s go have sex.

Chandler: Are you sure it’s not my birthday?

Monica: Do you want me or not?

Chandler: Lead the way. (Chandler and Monica go into the bathroom)

(cut to Phoebe and Joey)

Phoebe: Joey, you know how I’ve been really good since we got married?

Joey: No you haven’t!

Phoebe: Ok, with the exception of telling your parents that we got married, I’ve been good.

Joey: True.

Phoebe: I was just wondering if you could extend my sentence?

Joey: Why would I do that?

Phoebe: Because I’ve been on my best behavior.

Joey: Ok. Sounds fine to me. How long to you want to extend your punishment for?

Phoebe: Another year.

Joey: That’d work. So we’ll get divorced after two years instead of one?

Phoebe: Looks that way.

Joey: Great. I’m really glad you’ve been on your best behavior.

Phoebe: Would you be interested in having kids?

Joey: Don’t push your luck Phoebe.

CLOSING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone is present - Chandler and Monica are in the bathroom)

Ross: Where’s Monica and Chandler? I haven’t seen them.

Rachel: Last time I saw Chandler he was going into the bathroom.

Phoebe: Maybe Monica snuck off with Gunther.

Joey: Gunther?

Phoebe: Well she’d have to have sex with someone other than Chandler. He’s been stinking up the bathroom for hours. What did that boy have for lunch?

(Monica and Chandler emerge from the bathroom looking disheveled)

Chandler: Happy Birthday Mon.

Monica (surprised to see everyone): You guys are still here?

Joey: Been getting lucky?

Chandler: Maybe, why?

Ross: Because Monica’s got, ah, let’s just say that’s she got some stuff in her hair.