Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.



SOMEWHERE ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (Ross, who’s driving, has been pulled over. Chandler and Joey are asleep in the back of the cab)

Ross: Good morning officer. Can I help you?

Officer: License and registration please.

Ross: Here you go.

Officer: Are you Phoebe Buffay?

Ross: Do I look like a girl?

Officer: Answer the question son.

Ross: No officer, I’m not.

Officer: Step out of the car please.

Ross: Ok. (gets out)

Officer: Turn around son and place you’re hands on the hood of the car.

Ross: Why?

Officer (handcuffing Ross): You under arrest for grand theft auto.

Ross: What?

Officer: This vehicle was reported stolen twelve hours ago in New York City.

Ross: But it’s our friend’s vehicle. She let’s us borrow it all the time!

Officer: Tell it to the judge. (walks over to the car) Hey! Hey!

Chandler: Shut up Joey! I’m trying to sleep!

Joey: Dude, I didn’t say anything!

Officer (opening the car door): Let’s go girls, out of the car.

Chandler: What‘s going on? (sees Ross in the back of the police car) Oh sh%t!

Joey: Are we going to jail?

Officer: Yes son. You are going to jail.

Joey: Well that’s one place I didn’t think I was gonna spend my weekend.

BAYONNE CITY JAIL (Ross, Chandler and Joey are present)

Joey: I miss Hugsy. This all happened because someone took Hugsy. Hugsy always protects me.

Ross: Keep it down Joey or one of these guys is gonna make you his Hugsy.

Chandler: What are we gonna do?

Joey: Wanna play gin? I’ve got playing cards at the Casino.

Chandler: No you moron. What are we gonna do to get out of here?

Ross: We can call Joey’s Dad.

Joey: Won’t do you any good, he and Ma are in Florida.

Chandler: But your parents never leave the Tri-State area!

Joey: Well go to Florida and tell them that.

(Jail cop enters)

Cop: Which one of you ladies wants to use their phone call first?

Ross: Is he talking to us?

Chandler: I’ll go.

Ross: Who are you gonna call?

Chandler: Johnnie Cochran.

Joey: Good idea. He could definitely get us out of jail.

Chandler: I’m gonna call Monica you idiot. She has her cell phone with her. She can have Phoebe call the police station and have them release us.

Ross: Wow, why didn’t I think of that?

Joey: ‘Cause you’re an idiot?

Ross: How’d you like to be that guy’s bedtime pal?

Cop: Are you gonna make the phone call or not?

Chandler: Definitely.

(The cop leads Chandler to the phone)

Joey: I still think he should call Johnnie Cochran. That’s who I’m gonna call.

Ross: And here I thought you’d call Ghostbusters.

Joey: They respond to emergencies like this?

Ross: Ok, you go sit over there.

Joey: But….

Ross: Sit down.

(Joey sits down next to a big guy)

Joey: So what are you in for?

Guy: Murder. You?

Joey: Grand theft auto apparently.

Guy: Nice.

Joey: Not too bad yourself. Guy or a girl?

Guy: Both. I caught the guy doing my girl.

Joey: Tough break.

(Cut to Chandler and his phone call)

Chandler: Come on Mon, pick up. (gets her message service) Ah Mon, this is Chandler. Yeah, we got arrested for stealing Phoebe’s cab and we need Phoebe to call the police station here in Bayonne to straighten out this mess. Alright, thanks. Oh, and I lost $4,000 gambling at the Casino in Atlantic City. Bye.

SAN FRANCISCO - ALCATRAZ ISLAND (The girls are touring the prison)

Phoebe: Man, I have been in some jails during my lifetime but this place is awesome.

Monica (to Rachel): Only Phoebe would get excited about a place where they take your freedom away.

Rachel: I think Phoebe was a criminal in one of past lives and she did some time here.

Monica: You think?

(cut to Phoebe who is begging the tour guide to lock her up in one of the cells)

Rachel: I think that says it all.

BAYONNE CITY JAIL (Ross, Chandler and Joey are present)

Ross: Did Monica pick up?

Chandler: No. I got her message service.

Joey: Are you sure she has her phone?

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: I don’t think she does.

Chandler: Ah, why not?

Joey: ’Cause I noticed it on the coffee table before I left.

Chandler: Damn it Joey, why didn’t you tell me that before I called her?

Joey: I dunno.

(Jail cop returns)

Cop: Who’s next?

Joey: I’ll go.

Ross: Who are you gonna call?

Joey: Phoebe.

Ross: Phoebe doesn’t have a cell phone!

Joey: Then I’ll think of someone. I just wanna call someone, I’m scared.

(The cop leads Joey to the phone)

Chandler (to Ross): If we get out of here, we’re leaving him here.

Ross: Tell me something I already didn’t know.

SAN FRANCISCO - ALCATRAZ ISLAND (The girls are touring the prison)

Rachel: Ah Phoebe, I don’t think they want you playing with the electric chair.

Monica: Maybe she’ll put us out of our misery and electrocute herself.

Phoebe: Monica, flick the switch!

Tour Guide: Miss, that’s not a toy. Please stop playing with the chair.

Phoebe: Man, the rules are tough in this prison. (Phoebe’s pager goes off) Whoa, someone is beeping me. (looks at the number then to Monica and Rachel) Do you guys know where the 909 area code is?

Rachel: New Jersey I think.

Phoebe: Must have been a crank call. Oh look, it’s the gas chamber!

BAYONNE CITY JAIL (Ross, Chandler and Joey are present)

Ross: Who’d you call?

Joey: I called Phoebe’s pager. She’ll be calling any minute now.

Chandler: I guess we can’t leave you behind after all.

Joey: If you did I’d have Rocky hunt you down.

Chandler: Who’s Rocky?

Joey: My buddy over there. Yeah, he’s in for murder.

(Jail cop returns)

Cop (to Ross): Ok miss, you’re the last one. Let’s go.

Ross: Do you have to refer to me as a girl? It’s really offensive.

Cop: Do you want your phone call or not missy?

Ross: Yeah.

SAN FRANCISCO - ALCATRAZ ISLAND (The girls are touring the prison)

Rachel (to Monica): Where’s Phoebe now?

Monica: She had the guide lock her in an isolation cell.

Rachel: She’s a very strange woman.

Monica: Why do you think she was so excited to come here?

(Rachel’s cell phone rings)

Rachel (to Monica): That’s probably Kitty. Hello?

Ross (from the jail): Hi sweetie. What ya doing?

Rachel: We’re touring Alcatraz. Where are you?

Ross: We’re in Bayonne.

Rachel: What are you doing in Bayonne?

Ross: Time.

Rachel: What?

Ross: We’re in jail. We got arrested for stealing Phoebe’s cab.

Rachel: You’re in jail?!

Monica: They’re in jail?

Rachel (to Monica): They got arrested for using Phoebe’s cab.

Rachel: How long have you been in jail?!

Ross: Long enough for Joey to make friends with a murderer. Could you get Phoebe please?

Rachel: Go get Phoebe Mon.

Monica: Ok.

Rachel: Ross, what were you doing in New Jersey?

Ross: We went to Atlantic City.

Rachel: Gambling? What did I tell you about that? How am I supposed to trust you when I go away?

Ross: I won 20 grand.

Rachel: Oh, then I guess it’s ok. (Monica brings Phoebe to Rachel) Here’s Phoebe.

Ross: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Ross?

Ross: Pheebs, we used your cab and got arrested for stealing it. Someone must have reported it stolen.

Phoebe: You took my cab?

Ross: Yeah, I hope that was ok.

Phoebe: Did you talk to Albino Bob before you took it?

Ross: Who’s Albino Bob?

Phoebe: Yeah, he’s my friend. He’s been sleeping in it since it’s winter and all. He must’ve called the cops.

Ross: Look, can you talk to the police and have them release us?

Phoebe: What’s in it for me?

Ross: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Fine. What’s the number?

Ross: 909-555-3872.

Phoebe: Oh, that must have been Joey who paged me earlier! Wow I actually got paged from someone who was in trouble.

Ross: Phoebe! Can you get us out?

Phoebe: Sure. Hang up. I call right now.

Ross: Bye.

Phoebe: Bye. (to Rachel) Can you believe these guys? We go away for one weekend and they get themselves thrown in jail.

Rachel: You sound like Monica and me.

Phoebe: Why are you insulting me?

Monica: Make the phone call Phoebe.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Joey, Ross and Chandler have returned home)

Chandler: We are never taking Phoebe’s cab anywhere ever again.

Ross: I’m tracking Albino Bob down and I’m gonna give him a sunburn he won’t forget!

Joey: I can’t believe they stripped searched us.

Chandler: Well when you tell them that you’re not sure if you have any weapons on you, they’re gonna do that to you Joey!

Joey: Well I thought my penis could be a weapon. After all, the women I date refer to it as my weapon of love.

Ross: Yeah, you’re not allowed to date anymore.

Joey: You’re just upset because the cop laughed when you dropped your drawers.

Ross: I do not have a small penis!

Joey: Don’t worry I didn’t look.

Chandler: I did. You do have small penis.

Ross: Ok, there you go being gay again. And, and, and in my defense, it was cold in that room! I was suffering from a serious case of shrinkage! I’m going home!

(Ross leaves)

Joey: Was it really small?

Chandler: Like a turtle who was afraid to come out to play.

SAN FRANCISCO - MARRIOTT HOTEL (Monica and Rachel have gathered in the lobby)

Rachel: Where is Phoebe? We’re gonna be late for our flight!

Monica: I called her at 5 and told her to get up.

Rachel: Should we go back to her room?

Monica: But what if she comes down? We don’t wanna get split up.

(Limo driver approaches)

Limo Driver: Mrs. Geller, is your party ready to depart?

Monica: No, not yet.

Rachel: He was talking to me. You’re Mrs. Bing now.

Monica: Oh yeah, I always do that. God I hate my new last name.

Rachel: We’re waiting on one more.

Limo Driver: Well they better hurry up or you’re gonna miss your flight. Oh and I‘m doubled parked. If I get a ticket, you’re paying for it.

Rachel: Thanks. We’ll be right out. (to Monica) Go page Phoebe.

Monica: How do I do that?

Rachel: Wait, here comes Phoebe now.

(Phoebe approaches)

Phoebe: Hey guys, ready to go?

Rachel: Where in the hell have you been?!

Phoebe: I was checking out.

Monica: We already did that for you.

Phoebe: Ok, ok. My shower took a little longer than I thought it would.

Rachel: Wha, wha, why?

Phoebe: Did you know that the shower heads are movable?

Monica: Yeah. So?

Phoebe: Well I was massaging myself with the shower head, if you know what I mean, and I had trouble getting to that special place. But I made it, and now I’m ready to go!

Rachel: If we miss our flight, I’m gonna strangle you Phoebe.

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey and Ross are present)

Ross: What time do the girls get back?

Chandler: They should be home in a couple of hours.

Joey: That gives us enough time for a prank.

Ross: Getting thrown in jail wasn’t enough for you?

Joey: Come on, that was just a minor setback. We have to do something memorable for the girls.

Chandler: How about instead of getting in trouble with the girls, we solve the mystery of who stole Hugsy?

Joey: That’s a great idea. Let’s go to Phoebe’s apartment.

Ross: Why Phoebe’s apartment?

Joey: ‘Cause she‘s the only person I know who has a criminal record.

SOMEWHERE OVER THE UNITED STATES - UNITED AIRLINES (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are returning to New York)

Phoebe: Do these phones work?

Rachel: I dunno.

Monica: Ask the flight attendant Pheebs.

Phoebe: Excuse me sir, but do these phones work?

Flt. Attendant: Yes ma’am. They work and it costs four dollars a minute.

Phoebe: Thanks, but please don’t call me ma’am.

Flt. Attendant: I’m sorry miss. I didn’t mean to insult you.

Phoebe: Buy me a drink and I’ll forget all about it.

Flt. Attendant: I would if I could miss, but I can’t. And besides, I’m a married man.

Phoebe: Even better.

Rachel: Phoebe!

Monica: Who are you gonna call Pheebs?

Phoebe: The guys are searching my apartment right now as we speak. They’re looking for Hugsy.

Rachel: Joey’s bedtime pal?

Phoebe: The one and only.

Monica: Did you steal Hugsy?

Phoebe: Maybe.

Rachel: Wha, wha, why would steal Hugsy?

Phoebe: To get back at Joey.

Monica: What did Joey ever do to you?

Phoebe: Ok, so he didn’t do anything. I just thought it would be funny to steal him.

Rachel: Where’d you hide him?

Phoebe: Like I’m gonna tell you! Next to Monica you’ve got the biggest mouth on the Eastern seaboard.

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: You know it’s true Mon.

Monica: Still.

Rachel: Well if you won’t tell us where Hugsy is I guess I’ll have to let it slip to Joey that you stole his bedtime sleeping pal.

Phoebe: You wouldn’t.

Rachel: Try me.

Phoebe: Ok, ok. Hugsy’s in a place where the guys will never find him.

Monica: You hid him in a tampon box at your apartment?

Phoebe: No. That’s where I hid your wedding photo album.

Monica: You took that?!

Phoebe: No, Chandler hid it there with my permission.

Rachel: So where is Hugsy?

Phoebe: Yeah, he’s hanging from a rope in the guest room closet behind a bunch of crap at Monica and Chandler’s

Monica: So what’s next?

Phoebe: First I have to call my apartment and tell them to get the hell out of it. Then, during our cab ride home, I’ll call on Rach’s cell phone and make a ransom demand.

Monica: Wait, how do you know that they’re at your apartment?

Phoebe: I had a vision.

Monica: A vision?

Phoebe: Yeah, I was in the bathroom washing my hands and I looked in the mirror and saw them searching my apartment.

Rachel: Ok, that’s a little weird.

Phoebe: Not really, it happens all the time. Just last week, I had a vision of Monica and Chandler having sex on the kitchen table.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Oh relax. I’ve had visions of Ross and Rachel having sex too.

Monica: Don’t you have a phone call to make?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Call them! Here, use my credit card!

PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (The guys are looking for Hugsy)

Ross: Joey, we’ve turned this place upside down. Hugsy isn’t here.

Chandler: Yeah man, there’s no sign of him.

Joey: I just know that she took him.

Ross: She wouldn’t do that to you man, she loves you.

Joey (from the bathroom): Hey Chandler, why’s your wedding photo album in Phoebe’s tampon box?

Chandler: I totally forgot it was in there.

Ross: I should bring mine over here and hide it with yours.

Joey: From which wedding, there’s so many to choose from.

Ross: I hope Hugsy dies a painful death!

(the phone rings)

Joey: Should I answer that?

Chandler: Let the machine get it.

(the machine picks up - Phoebe’s on the other end)

Phoebe: Hi guys! I know you’re in my apartment. Doing what, I don’t know. But I know you’re there. And hey, no playing with my whip, that’s for adults only. We’re about to land so I have to go. Oh and one more thing, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT!

Ross: How’d she know we were here?

Joey: It’s Phoebe. She knows all. We better get out of here.

Chandler: What does she use the whip for?

Joey: Yeah, she’s into bondage.


JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey, Ross and Chandler are present)

Joey: I miss Hugsy so much.

Chandler: Aren’t you 32?

Joey: Yeah, so?

Chandler: So let it go. Hugsy gone. Heck, go down to the toy store and buy a new Hugsy.

Joey: Hey, my mother gave me Hugsy for my 21st birthday. You don’t replace Hugsy.

Ross: What time is it?

Chandler: There is a clock on the wall.

Ross: No, the girls should be here soon.

Joey: Dude it‘s not like you’re gonna be having sex with Rach. She’s five months pregnant, she ain’t into that anymore.

Ross: Who told you that?

Joey: She did.


Monica: I can’t wait to see Chandler. I’m gonna beat the living crap out of him!

Rachel: Are you gonna call Joey’s now Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah, give me your cell. (Phoebe dials)

Rachel: I just love messing with Joey. He’s such a baby when people pick on him.

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is present. The phone rings and Joey answers)

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe (disguised voice): Is this Joseph Tribbiani?

Joey: Yeah, who’s this?

Phoebe: You’re worst nightmare.

Joey: Courteney?

Phoebe: We have Hugsy.

Joey: Who’s we?

Phoebe: The Liberation Organization for Stuffed Penguin Bedtime Sleeping Pals.

Joey: Give me Hugsy back!

Phoebe: If you want Hugsy back, you must pay.

Joey: Name it. I’ll pay.

Phoebe: $20,000.

Joey: $20,000?

Phoebe: Is that too much?

Joey: That’s a little steep. I was thinking more like $500.

Phoebe: Ok, $500 it is. I will call you in three days with the drop information.

Joey: Three days? Why can’t we do this now?!

Phoebe: Three days. We only work in threes. Goodbye.

Joey: Wait! Don’t hang up!

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Is he ok?

Phoebe: Of course he is. He’s just hanging around. Goodbye.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Ross and Chandler are present)

Ross: Where are they? They should be here by now.

Chandler: I’m a dead man when Monica gets home.

Ross: Why?

Chandler: Because I lost our vacation fund in Atlantic City.

(Joey comes racing in)

Joey: They called! They called! They called about Hugsy!

Ross: You filed a missing penguin report with the police?

Joey: No, the kidnappers who took Hugsy called. They want $500 from me before they’ll give him back.

Chandler: That’s one expensive penguin. (pause) Joey, this is insane. No one steals a stuffed animal and holds them for ransom.

Joey: Well then how do you explain what just happened?

Chandler: I don’t, I guess.

(The girls enter)

Rachel: Hey honey!

Ross: Rach, you’re home!

Monica: Chandler, you’re a dead man.

Chandler: How can I be a dead man already? I haven’t even told you that I lost our vacation fund in Atlantic City. (pause) You’re gonna kill me twice now aren’t you?

Phoebe: Isn’t anyone happy to see me?

Joey: How you doin?

Phoebe: Pretty good sugar. Give me a kiss. (Joey and Phoebe start making out)

Rachel: I will never understand there friendship.

Joey: Oh, oh. The kidnappers who took Hugsy called. He’s alive and well. I have to pay them $500, but I will get him back.

Rachel: Ah Joe, who would ransom a stuffed animal?

Phoebe: Must be some sicko.

Joey: All I know is that if I pay the kidnappers $500, I get back Hugsy in three days.

Monica: Why wait three days?

Joey: Apparently the kidnappers do things every three days.

Rachel: Well how do you know that if you give the kidnappers $500 they’ll give you Hugsy back?

Joey: It’s a matter of trust Rachel.

Ross: Well as much as fun as this is talking about the kidnapping of a stuffed animal, I’m tired and I’m taking my wife and going home.

Rachel: Taking your wife home?

Ross: I mean asking if my wife is ready to go home.

Rachel: Bye guys.

Ross: See ya.

(Ross and Rachel leave)

Phoebe: So Joe, up for some sex?

Joey: I’m kinda tired.

Phoebe: You’re saying no to sex?

Joey: No, I’m just saying I’m kinda tired.

(Joey and Phoebe leave)

Monica: Have you seen our wedding photo album sweetie?

Chandler: Phoebe!

Monica: You’re a dead man.

Chandler: You’re not mad at me for losing the $4,000?

Monica: Ask me after you haven’t had sex for two months.


JOEY’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are in bed)

Joey: You know what the best thing about our friendship is?

Phoebe: The no strings attached sex?

Joey: You know what the second best thing about our friendship is?

Phoebe: All the pizza and beer that I buy you and never ask for a penny in return?

Joey: Ok, you know what the third best thing about our friendship is?

Phoebe: What?

Joey: That we never play any games with each other. I know that I can count on you in this trying time.

Phoebe: Trying time?

Joey: Yeah, Hugsy’s one of the most important things in my life and knowing that you’re there to support me for these next three days means a lot to me.

Phoebe (who is stunned): Yeah, I’ll always be there for you Joey.