THE ONE WITH JOEYíS PARENTS
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
THE PLAZA HOTEL - ROOM 382 (Monica and Brad are present)
Brad: I really donít think this is a good idea.
Monica: Itíll be fine.
Brad: Youíve obviously never seen Jennifer when sheís mad.
Monica: Youíre her husband. Trust me, sheíll love it. Ok, Iím gonna go now.
Brad: So all I have to do is get naked, put the rose petals on the floor leading to the tub, have red wine in two glasses ready and hope that she investigates.
Monica: Thatís it. Romance will take care of the rest.
Brad: What if it doesnít work?
Monica: Have you ever been electrocuted before?
Monica: Well thereís a first time for everything.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Jennifer, Brad and Monica are present)
Rachel: That was really nice of Jennifer to pick up the tab at dinner.
Joey: Yeah. Do you think she was mad that I ordered a whole cheesecake to go?
Ross: No, that wasnít inappropriate at all.
Phoebe: It really sucks when youíre not the only rich friend. I couldíve easily picked up the tab.
Joey: Ah Pheebs, you never pick up the tab when we go out.
Phoebe: Thatís because weíre married now. Weíre not supposed to do nice things for each other.
Chandler: There you are. Whereíve you been?
Monica: I went with Brad to his hotel room.
Rachel: Did you get lucky?
Monica: Oh yeah.
Monica: Relax, Iím kidding. I was showing Brad how to get back in Jenniferís good graces.
Rachel: Let me guess, a bathtub, rose petals and wine were involved.
Monica: Yeah. Have you done that before?
Rachel: No, but I was your roommate when you were dating Richard. There are some things you never forget.
Chandler: You, you did that with Richard? Youíve never done that for me.
Monica: Thatís because youíre constantly in trouble with me.
THE PLAZA HOTEL - ROOM 382 (Jennifer is returning to her hotel room)
Jennifer (VO): Wait. I should go to Bradís room and tell him the good news. What room is he in again? (pause) Thatís right, heís in 869. Iíll wait for him up there.
Brad (VO): Man, look at me. I turning into a wrinkled mess. She better show up soon or my sperm is definitely not gonna work tonight.
THE PLAZA HOTEL - ROOM 869 (Jennifer has convinced the bell boy to let her into Bradís room)
Jennifer: Thanks for doing this.
Bell Boy: You better be his wife. I could lose my job for this.
Jennifer: Iím his wife. Here. Hereís $200 for your trouble.
Bell Boy: Are you sure youíre not a hooker?
Jennifer: Positive. Now get outta here before I kick your ass.
Bell Boy: Yes maíam.
Jennifer (shutting the door, VO): Look at this place. Heís got clothes everywhere. Heís such a god damn slob. I think Iíll get undressed and lie down in bed. He should be back soon.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast)
Rachel: Weíre spending the day together.
Ross: But I already made plans with Joey to play racquetball. Itís my only day off this month.
Rachel: Well youíre canceling them.
Rachel: No buts Ross. Weíre spending today together and thatís final. We havenít spent much time together lately. Come on, itíll be fun.
Ross: Fine, what do you wanna do?
Rachel: I wanna go house shopping.
Ross: You know we canít afford a house right now. What good would house shopping do except reinforce the fact that we canít afford anything.
Rachel: We can afford a house.
Ross: Why? Did you pay off your mountain of credit card debt?
Rachel: As a matter of fact yes.
Ross: How? You donít have $20,000 lying around.
Rachel: Yes, but you did.
Ross: Rachel! That money was for Benís college fund!
Rachel: Not that money. I didnít touch that. I used the money you won gambling to pay off my debt.
Ross: You did what?
Rachel: I used your gambling money. (Ross is speechless, gets up from the table and leaves)
Why do I feel like I really screwed up?
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are present)
Joey: Ross is so whipped. He canceled our racquetball game.
Joey: ĎCause Rachel wanted him to.
Chandler: You know, Phoebeís gonna start doing that to you soon too.
Joey: No sheís not. Sheís just my wife, she doesnít own me.
Chandler: Thatís what Ross told me after he married Rachel for the second time. (pause) Hey, have you told your parents that youíre married yet?
Joey: No. And theyíre not gonna find out either.
Chandler: Whatís the big deal?
Joey: Remember how I found out that my Dad was cheating on my Mom a couple of years ago?
Joey: Look, donít use words that I donít know what they mean.
Chandler: Yes, I remember.
Joey: Well I made such a big stink that marriage was a sacred union and not something to be taken lightly. Thereís no way I can let them know that I married Phoebe for a year to punish her for stealing Hugsy.
Chandler: Do they even know who Hugsy is?
Joey: Of course, my Mom gave me Hugsy for my 21st birthday.
Phoebe: Hey guys. Oh Joey, your Mom just called.
Joey: You didnít say anything to her did you?
Phoebe: Not really. I just invited your parents over for dinner to meet their new daughter-in-law.
Chandler (to Joey): You are so screwed.
THE PLAZA HOTEL - ROOM 382(Brad has fallen asleep in the tub as Jennifer comes to her room)
Jennifer (VO): Iím gonna kill him. Where in hell was he all night? (noticing the rose petals on the floor) What the hell is this? (walks into the bathroom to find Brad asleep in the tub) Brad? Brad, wake up.
Jennifer: Itís me honey.
Brad: Whereíve you been?
Jennifer: In your room. Have you been in there all night?
Jennifer: You look like a giant prune. God, if thatís how youíre gonna look when youíre 75, we should divorce right now.
Brad: Thanks honey, I really appreciate that. Are you still mad at me?
Jennifer: A little.
Brad: Iím so sorry I shot my mouth off like that. Iíd never hurt you on purpose.
Jennifer: I know that too.
Brad: Howíve you been?
Jennifer: Lonely. IĎve missed you.
Brad: Iíve missed you too.
Jennifer: Iíve got some good news.
Brad: Youíre pregnant?
Jennifer: Not yet.
Brad: Then what is it?
Jennifer: The District Attorney dropped its case against you. You donít have to appear in court today.
Brad: What happened?
Jennifer: The guy that you hit got arrested for public indecency. The DA felt there was no way to justify their case against you.
Brad: WhatĎd he do?
Jennifer: He apparently asked Winona Ryder to shoplift this.
Jennifer: His hard on.
Brad: AnywayÖ.that is great news.
Jennifer: Got room in there for one more?
Brad: Maybe. But I gotta warn ya, the water is really cold.
Jennifer: I think Iíll keep my clothes on then. (Jennifer jumps into the tub)
Jennifer: Did I get you?
Brad: My boys will be ok eventually.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Ross are present)
Monica: Are you ok Ross?
Monica: Are you alright? You keep staring at the wall.
Ross: Iím just upset.
Ross: Because Iím about to bounce a $20,000 check.
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT
Joey: How could you invite my parents over? I told you that I didnít want them to find out that we got married.
Phoebe: You never said anything of the sort to me Joey. Whatís the big deal? So weíre married, so what.
Joey: You donít understand. My father hates blonde women. He thinks theyíre just dumb people put on the earth so we have somebody to make fun of.
Phoebe: Thatís so untrue. Youíre just making that up so your parents donít come here to meet your new bride.
Joey: Is it? Have you ever been around my Dad when thereís a blonde woman around?
Phoebe: Youíre Dadís extra-marital affair was blonde.
Joey: Yeah and he made fun of her constantly.
Phoebe: Whatís the real reason Joey?
Joey: That is the real reason Pheebs.
Phoebe: Iím gonna count to three and then you better tell me the real reason. One, two, two and halfÖ.
Joey: Fine. When my Dad was cheating on my Ma I made such a big stink that marriage was a sacred union and not something to be taken lightly. I guilted my father into returning to my Mom. Thereís no way I can let them know that I married you for a year to punish her for stealing Hugsy. Iíd look like a hypoÖ.hypoÖ something.
Joey: Thatís the word. Look, canít I just call my Mom and Dad and call the whole thing off?
Phoebe: No. I wanna meet them.
Joey: Phoebe! Come on, I never ask you to do anything, canít you do me this one favor?
Phoebe: You used up your favor this morning, remember?
Joey: I did?
Phoebe: The six oíclock booty call.
Joey: Oh. Well then can I ask for this favor? Come on, it wonít kill you.
Phoebe: Fine. (Knock on the door. Phoebe opens the door to find Joeyís parents standing there) Mr. & Mrs. Tribbiani, what an unexpected surprise.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Chandler are present)
Chandler: Thank God today is a holiday.
Monica (laughing): Yeah, you work really hard.
Chandler: Hey, I spent the last week and a half typing performance reviews. Theyíre a lot of work.
Monica: How can you write performance reviews on your employees when youíre never at work to watch them perform?
Chandler: I have sources. I know whoĎs doing their job and who isnít.
Monica: Whoís your source?
Chandler: Amy, my secretary. She knows all.
Monica: What does she get in return?
Chandler: A five thousand dollar raise.
Rachel (down): Hey.
Chandler: Whatís the matter champ? Did you bet on Michelle Kwan winning the gold this year?
Rachel: Whoís Michelle Kwan?
Chandler: The iceÖ.(notices Monica and Rachel are staring at him) I donít know.
Monica: Whatís the matter?
Rachel: I wanted to go house shopping with Ross and he wigged out on me when I told him that I paid off my credit cards with his gambling winnings.
Monica: Thatís why he was so distracted.
Rachel: Whatíd he say?
Monica: Something like he was about to bounce a $20,000 check.
Rachel: Oh no!
Chandler: Why would he bounce a $20,000 check? Does he have a drug habit that I donít know about?
Monica: Thatís not even funny mister.
Chandler: Youíre right. Sorry. Maybe he was seeing a high class hooker.
Monica: Thatís it. Go home!
Chandler: Fine, see if Iíll put out tonight.
Monica: Youíve just lost that privilege.
Rachel: Maybe he bought a car or something?
Monica: Why would you need a car?
Rachel: I know, it doesnít make any sense. Iím gonna go look for him. Wanna come?
Monica: Nah, Iíve got to go punish my child.
Rachel: You donít have any children.
Monica: Oh. Then I guess itís Chandler that has to be punished.
Rachel: I can see how you made your mistake.
52nd STREET- REMAX REALTORS (Ross is meeting with a real estate agent)
Agent: Youíre telling me that you donít want the flat now?
Ross: Yeah. My wife used my down payment money to pay off her credit cards.
Agent: The title company already cashed your check. You do realize that itís gonna bounce?
Ross: When did they cash it?
Ross: Damn it.
Agent: When did youíre wife pay off her cards?
Ross: I donít know.
Agent: How can you not know? You donít just go out and spend 20 grand.
Ross: You obviously have never met my wife.
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT
Mrs. Tribbiani: So when did you move in with my son?
Phoebe: A couple of weeks ago. We got tired of keeping two places.
Mr. Tribbiani: You two are living together?
Joey: Yes Dad. Weíre living together. But itís not like weíre married or anything.
Mr. Tribbiani: Thatís good son. You know how I think blondes are stupid.
Joey: Dad! Donít talk about Phoebe like that.
Phoebe: Donít worry about it Joey, Iím used to ignorant people.
Mr. Tribbiani: Ok Phoebe, letís see how smart you really are. Why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Joey: Dad, donít make blonde jokes, Phoebe hates them.
Phoebe: Wait, I know the answer to this one. Itís because the can said concentrate.
Mr. Tribbiani: Right. Ok, see if you know this one. Why donít blondes like making Kool Aid?
Phoebe: Because they canít fit eight cups of water in the little packet.
Mr. Tribbiani: Wow, youíre really smart.
Mrs. Tribbiani: No more blonde jokes honey.
Mr. Tribbiani: Ok, hereís another one. Why canít blondes dial 911?
Phoebe: Because they canít find the ď11Ē on the phone. Is that all you got? Come on, these are too easy.
Mr. Tribbiani: Ok Miss Smarty Pants, how can you tell when you get a fax from a blonde?
Joey: Dad, come on. These jokes arenít even funny.
Mr. Tribbiani: You donít know this one do you Phoebe?
Phoebe: I got it, the fax has a stamp on it.
Mr. Tribbiani: Ok, last one - What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Phoebe: Run the other way fast, she has a grenade in her mouth.
Mr. Tribbiani: Ok. So maybe not all blondes are stupid.
Phoebe: I donít know about that, I was stupid enough to marry Joey.
Mr & Mrs. Tribbiani: What?
Joey: Sheís kidding. Sheís totally kidding.
Phoebe: No Iím not. Thatís right, youíre new daughter-in-law is a blonde.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler, Brad and Jennifer are present)
Monica: Thatís great news that they dropped your case Brad.
Brad: Yeah. I still think I wouldíve been found innocent though.
Chandler: Did you have a secret defense or something?
Brad: My attorney was gonna make the plaintiff drop his drawers. The jury wouldíve seen how hairy his ass was and wouldíve had no choice but to side for me.
Jennifer: Well I think you should just consider yourself lucky. You donít wanna a reputation around Hollywood as a loose cannon.
Brad: God knows Iím already married to one.
Monica: Did you find Ross?
Rachel: No. Heís nowhere to be found.
Chandler: Did you go to the adult book store on Greenwich?
Rachel: No. Why would I look there?
Chandler: I dunno. I usually go there with him once a week. Maybe he just went by himself this time.
Rachel: Where in the hell have you been?
Ross: Itís good to see you too honey.
Rachel: Seriously sweetie, Iíve been worried sick. Whatís this talk about you bouncing a $20,000 check?
Ross: Can we talk about this in private later?
Jennifer: Maybe we should leave.
Brad: We can go grab something to eat and come back.
Monica: We could go to Allesandroís. I know the head chef personally.
Chandler: Whoís the head chef there again?
Monica: Me you idiot.
(Monica, Chandler, Brad and Jennifer leave)
Rachel: Honey, what happened?
Ross: I had made a down payment on a flat off of 52nd St.. I was gonna surprise you on your birthday. But now youíve used my down payment to pay off your credit cards.
Rachel: Wow. I donít know what to say, except that Iím sorry. But donít you think that a flat is a rather large purchase that we should talk about before we go an mortgage our future?
Ross: I just thought itíd be a nice birthday present and I didnít think youíd mind. Itís right downtown about three blocks from your office.
Rachel: Really? That close to work? Is there any way we can afford it without the down payment money?
Ross: Yeah, we couldíve swung it but itís not gonna happen now.
Rachel: Why not?
Ross: Because my check bounced as high as the Empire State Building. The seller doesnít want anything to do with me anymore.
Rachel: Would a trip by your sexy wife change anything?
Ross: If you can get a gay couple to change their minds using your sexuality, yeah.
Rachel: Theyíre gay?
Rachel: Maybe we should send Chandler.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler, Brad and Jennifer are present)
Monica: So how long are you guys here?
Brad: We fly out tomorrow.
Jennifer: I canít wait. Weíre gonna try and conceive on the airplane.
Chandler: Conceive what? A hijacking?
Monica: Go to your room!
Monica: Because I said so! You canít make jokes like that after what happened on September 11!
Chandler: Iím so sorry. It wonít happen again.
Brad: I thought it was funny.
Chandler: At least someone has a sense of humor around here.
Jennifer: Do you wanna join him in his room?
Brad: Did I say it was funny? I meant to say it wasnít funny at all.
Monica: I thought you were having dinner with Joeyís parents.
Phoebe: I am. I just left to get some air.
Chandler: Joe Sr. smoking his cigars again?
Phoebe: More like smoking Joeyís ass. His parents are a little upset that they werenít invited to our wedding.
Monica: You got married at the courthouse with Ross and Rachel as your witnesses, they didnít miss much.
Phoebe: Yes, but after I elaborated a little on our ceremony, it turned into a big mess.
Jennifer: What did you say?
Phoebe: That we had 600 people at the wedding and absentmindedly forgot to invite Joeyís parents. You shouldíve been there, it was a huge party. We had strippers and everything.
Brad: You had strippers at your wedding?
Phoebe: Yeah. At least at our imaginary one. Iíve got to go rescue my husband. See ya guys.
Brad: She really is crazy.
Chandler: Phoebe? Nah, sheĎs just in her own little universe.
Monica: The bizarro world.
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT
Mr. Tribbiani: You went and had a big wedding and didnít invite your parents and your sisters? Whatís the matter with you?
Joey: I didnít have a big wedding. Phoebeís just messing with you.
Mrs. Tribbiani: Either way Joseph, how could you get married and not tell us? Are we unfit parents?
Joey: No. Phoebe just stole Hugsy and her punishment is that she had to stay married to me for a year. Itís not like we canít see other people. In fact, I had a date just the other night and she did too.
Mrs. Tribbiani: She stole Hugsy, your bedtime sleeping pal, and you still married her? Are you crazy?
Joey: It was the best way to punish her Ma.
Mr. Tribbiani (to Phoebe): Youíre back. Answer me this, you went on a date behind my sonís back after you married him?
Phoebe: Yeah. It was part of the deal. But hey, at least I didnít sleep with my date.
Mrs. Tribbiani: You lost your virginity to someone else and not to your wife?
Joey: Ma, you know I lost my virginity when I was 11.
Mrs. Tribbiani: You did?
Mr. Tribbiani: I thought you knew.
Mrs. Tribbiani: You knew this and didnít say anything to me?
Joey: Ma, itĎs not that big of a deal.
Mrs. Tribbiani: You know pre-marital sex is against the teachings of the Catholic Church! Youíre gonna go straight to hell.
Phoebe: Well then he punched his ticket at an early age.
Mrs. Tribbiani: And now youíve gone and made a mockery out of marriage.
Phoebe: Wait a minute. Weíre not making a mockery out of marriage. I love your son deeply.
Joey: You do?
Phoebe: I do. And Joey loves me deeply.
Joey: Thatís right, I do.
Mr. Tribbiani: Youíre in love with a blonde woman?
Joey: Thatís right Dad, Iím in love with Phoebe.
Mrs. Tribbiani: Well, welcome to the family Phoebe.
Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah dear, thanks for making a honest man out of my son.
Phoebe: My pleasure.
Mr. Tribbiani: Well we better go. Itís a long way back to Brooklyn.
Mrs. Tribbiani: You call me Joey. YouĎre going to confession the next time you visit.
Phoebe: Does the priest have that much time? (Joey and Mr. & Mrs. Tribbiani just stare at Phoebe) What?
Joey: Iíll call you Ma.
(Joeyís parents leave)
Phoebe: Do you think they bought it?
Joey: Bought what?
Phoebe: That ďweíre in loveĒ crap.
Joey (disappointed): Totally. Like Iím in love with you. The day that happens is the day I shave my head.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Ross: So how did the dinner with Joeyís parents go?
Phoebe: According to Joeyís mother, heís going straight to hell.
Phoebe: Apparently pre-marital sex is against Catholic Church teachings.
Monica: Then Joey cemented his place in hell when he was very young.
Ross: Itís a good thing the Jewish faith doesnít subscribe to that teaching.
Monica: Actually Ross, the Jewish faith does.
Chandler: I think itís against the teachingís of all religions.
Phoebe: Nah uh.
Chandler: Tell me one religion that doesnít Pheebs.
Phoebe: The Universal Church of Goddesses.
Monica: Iíve never heard of that religion.
Phoebe: Itís a great religion. You can do anything you want and as long as you say your sorry to God at the end of the day, you wonĎt go to hell.
Chandler: Ok, let me clarify my question. Tell me what religion that you donít make up that allows pre-marital sex.
Phoebe: Oh, then no, no such religion exists.