Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Ross: How was Canada Joey?

Joey: It was pretty cool. I learned how to speak Canadian while I was there.

Rachel: Joey, with the exception of Quebec, everyone in Canada speaks English.

Joey: What do they speak in Quebec?

Monica: French.

Joey: Well I already how to speak French.

Chandler: You do not! You only know how to French kiss.

Phoebe: And you better not have done any of that while you were gone.

Joey: I didn't kiss anyone Pheebs, and I do too know how to speak French. Watch. Bonjour. Parleiz vous Francias?

Rachel: Joey, everyone knows how to say that. You simply said "Hello. Do you speak French?"

Joey: You mean that doesn't mean "Hello, I want to French kiss your mouth?"

Rachel: No, it doesn't.

Joey: Man, I'm as stupid in Canada as I am here in the United States.

Phoebe: Don't feel bad honey, every country needs an idiot. Maybe Canada can adopt you as a native son.


CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica, Joey and Chandler are present)

Monica: Chandler! Hurry up or you're gonna be late for your interview!

Joey: Who's his interview with?

Monica: Toys R Us.

Joey: Man, that's the dream job! I always wanted to work for Toys R Us!

Monica: Why didn't you apply there?

Joey: I did.

Monica: What happened?

Joey: When they asked me why I wanted to work there I told them the truth.

Monica: Which was?

Joey: I wanted to work there so I could 50% off video games and stuff.

Monica: And you didn't get the job?

Joey: I know. I was stunned too.

Chandler (emerging from the bedroom): I don't even know why I'm going to this interview.

Joey: Dude, you're living my dream.

Chandler: Huh? I'm interviewing with a toy conglomerate not some porn store you idiot.

Monica: Porn store?

Joey: That's my other dream job.

Monica: You look great honey. Now get out of here before you're late.

Chandler: Thanks for your support.

Monica: Any time. Now go!

(Chandler leaves)

Joey: Are you ready to go?

Monica: Yeah, let me get my purse. Are you sure that this is an open audition?

Joey: Yeah. There's gonna be all sorts of women there. They're all dying to act with Dr. Ross Greco.

Monica: Not this chiquita.

Joey: Why'd you call yourself a banana?

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Phoebe are present)

Rachel: Are you sure you're gonna be ok?

Phoebe: I gave birth to triplets. I know what I'm doing.

Ross: Yeah, but you didn't raise the triplets. Your brother and sister-in-law did the hard part.

Phoebe: Do you want me to turn your thingy green?

Ross: I think Phoebe will be fine. Are you ready Rach?

Rachel: Yeah. If you have any trouble Pheebs, call us on our cell phone.

Phoebe: We'll be fine. Go, have fun house hunting. I'm gonna teach Caitlin how to play with fire.

Rachel: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Like I'd do that. I was just foolin' around. Go, find your dream house. Make sure you make love in the closet.

Ross: Why would we do that?

Phoebe: You don't make love in the closet?

Rachel: Ah, no. We're not freaks.

Phoebe: You should try it. It's liberating.

Ross (to Rachel): Let's go before Phoebe tells us to do it in the hallway outside our apartment.

Rachel: Ok, we're leaving. Remember, put her down for her nap in an hour.

Phoebe: Would you leave already? You're cutting into Caitlin and I's meditation time.

TOYS R US (Chandler has arrived for his interview)

Chandler (to the receptionist): Hi, I'm Chandler Bing. I'm here to see Ms. Armentano.

Reception: Have a seat. I'll let her know that you've arrived.

Chandler: Thanks. (Chandler sits down and starts looking over his resume - Ms. Armentano comes to get Chandler - Needless to say, Ms. Armentano looks like she fell off the pages of Playboy)

Ms. Armentano: Mr. Bing?

Chandler: Yes, yes, I'm Chandler Bing.

Ms. Armentano: Hi, I'm Donna Armentano. Can I get you anything?

Chandler: I'm fine thanks.

Donna: Great, we're gonna talk in my office if that's ok?

Chandler: Sure.

(Chandler enters her office. There're toys everywhere)

Chandler: I don't think I've ever seen an office like this.

Donna: Yeah, there're a lot of toys. We're getting close to deciding what toys will be on the shelf for the Christmas season. So tell me Chandler, why do you want to work for Toys R Us?

Chandler: Honestly, I'm looking to expand my skills and I feel that I have a lot to offer Toys R Us.

Donna: Ok, that's a fair answer. But let's cut to the chase shall we?

Chandler: Ok.

Donna: Do you think I'm hot?

THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Joey and Monica are present)

Monica: Man, look at all the women here. There's no way I'm gonna get this part. I don't even have acting experience.

Joey: What are you saying? What kind of talk is that? Do you think I'm qualified to work on General Hospital? Half of my resume is a lie and I'm a terrible actor.

Monica: I guess you're right. I guess I can do this.

Joey: There you go. And besides, I gave your resume to the producers already.

Monica: But I don't have any acting experience!

Joey: But they don't know that. You're gonna do great.

Monica: So what scene are we doing?

Joey: Act III.

Monica: Ah Joe, do you realize you have to kiss the actress in this scene?

Joey: I know, that's the best part. I get to kiss all of these beautiful women and Phoebe can't get mad at me because it's part of my job.

Monica: Joey that means you have to kiss me.

Joey: Didn't see that one coming.

Monica: Oh well, it's not like Chandler would care, it is only acting.

Joey (now unsure): Yeah. It's only acting.

SCARSDALE (Ross and Rachel are looking at houses with the Realtor)

Rachel: What did you think of the last house?

Ross: It was overpriced.

Realtor: We can look in Uniondale if you want, it's cheaper there.

Ross: No, we have to live in Scarsdale.

Rachel: We don't we look in Uniondale?

Ross: Because we're buying a house in Scarsdale. We've got to stick to the plan. (Ross sees a for sale sign) Stop the car!

Rachel: What? What is it?

Ross: That house is perfect!

(Rachel looks out the window and all she sees is a dump of a house)

Rachel: Ross! That place is a dump!

Ross: We could fix it up.

Realtor: I think you need to know the history behind this house before you go do anything rash Mr. & Mrs. Geller.

Rachel: What, was someone murdered there or something?

Realtor: As a matter of fact, yes. Two years ago a husband murdered his wife in that house. It's been vacant ever since.

Rachel: Yeah, let's keep looking.

Ross: But Rach….

Rachel: We are not raising our child in a house where a murder took place!

Ross: But it's cheap!

Rachel: You are too!

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is playing with Caitlin)

Phoebe: No Caitlin, we don't eat the army men, we keep them on the board. Geez, never play Risk with a two-month old. (Caitlin spits up) Oh my, you've slimed Germany! See, isn't this more fun then taking a nap? (pause for an answer) Why am I waiting for you to answer me? You're only a baby. After we finish our game we'll play dress-up.

TOYS R US (Continued from before)

Chandler: What? Excuse me?

Donna: Do you think I'm hot for a 45-year-old woman?

Chandler: You're, you're, you're really 45?

Donna: I take that as a yes. Do you wanna have sex with me?

Chandler: Huh?

Donna: You know sex. Bumping uglies. Hiding the salami.

Chandler: Ah, I'm a married man. I could never cheat on my wife. I think this interview is over.

(Chandler gets up to leave)

Donna: Sit back down Mr. Bing.

Chandler: I really don't want to. You've made me really uncomfortable.

Donna: I'm just fooling around. Do you know that you're the first candidate who didn't say that they wanted to sleep with me?

Chandler: I just love my wife Ms. Armentano. Can I please go?

Donna: Sure. If that's what you want to do. But before you leave, what would you say if I offered you the position you came in for?

Chandler: I say I don’t think I want to work for a hot woman like you who would use such weird interview techniques.

Donna: Ok. Fair enough. Do you know Bill Haughney?

Chandler: Yes ma'am, Bill was my boss at my last job.

Donna: Did you know that I'm Bill's wife and he asked me to do that to you?

Chandler: Run that by me again.

Donna: I'm married to Bill. That's why you got this job interview. I know all about the shenanigans that you pulled with Bill.

Chandler: Then why are you offering me a job?

Donna: Because we need loose cannons like you running our data processing unit. The people we have in that division are so nerdy. We need someone like you to bring some life to that unit.

Chandler: Well I'm definitely the life of most parties.

Donna: Of course if you pull that crap that you pulled on Bill, I'll fire your ass in a minute.

Chandler: That's not gonna happen Donna. I decided I needed to grow up. Getting canned by Bill was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Donna: Good. So when can you start?

Chandler: In two weeks.

Donna: Why two weeks?

Chandler: I need some time off to finish growing up.

Donna: Fair enough. Do you wanna know how much we're gonna pay you?

Chandler: I'm sure you'll be fair.

Donna: Does $150,000 sound fair enough?

Chandler: I can start on Monday.

Donna: I thought so. Welcome aboard.

THE SET OF GENERAL HOSPITAL (Monica and Joey are present. Monica is waiting in a room adjacent to the set)

Producer: Alright, thanks Ms. Rodriguez, that was great. Ok, next we have Ms. Monica Bing.

Monica: That's me.

(Monica follows the Producer onto the set)

Producer: Ok. Monica, this is Joey Tribbiani, he plays the part of Dr. Ross Greco on the show. He'll be acting with you in this scene.

Monica: Ok.

Joey: How you doin?

Monica (whispering): Knock it off!

Producer: Ok, whenever you two are ready.

Monica: I'm ready.

Joey: Let's do it.

Monica (reading from the script): How could you Ross! You knew she was dying yet you slept with her anyway.

Joey: I was trying a new treatment program. I never thought that she die in the middle of sex.

Monica: You, you've thrown away three years of love for some romp in the hay with that, that tramp. I never want to see you again.

Joey: Don't go Shannon. Don't leave it like this.

Monica: Why should I stay? What could you possibly say to make me want to stay?

Joey: Here's a reason.

(Joey grabs Monica to kiss her, suddenly he bursts out in laughter. Monica then starts laughing).

Producer: Cut. Joey, what the hell was that? You guys were totally in sync and you screwed it all up.

Joey: I'm sorry. Can we start again?

Producer: Pick it up from "Don't go Shannon". And action!

Joey: Don't go Shannon. Don't leave it like this.

Monica: Why should I stay? What could you possibly say to make me want to stay?

Joey: Here's a reason.

(Joey grabs Monica to kiss her, this time Monica starts laughing).

Producer: Cut! What's the matter with you two? Do you know one another or something?

Monica: No, Mr. Tribbiani's fly is down.

Joey: Oops, I thought it was a little breezy in here.

Producer: Ok, this is the final shot Monica. Get it right or we're gonna pass you over.

Monica: Ok. I'm ready.

Joey: Me too.

Producer: Pick it up from "Don't go Shannon". And action!

Joey: Don't go Shannon. Don't leave it like this.

Monica: Why should I stay? What could you possibly say to make me want to stay?

Joey: Here's a reason.

(Joey grabs Monica and kisses her)

Producer: And stop! That was excellent. I think we have something here.

Monica (to Joey): Now I see what Phoebe has been raving about.

Joey (shy): Yeah, Chandler's a lucky man.

Producer: Thank you Ms. Bing. We'll be in touch.

Monica: Thanks. Thank you Mr. Tribbiani.

Joey: Thank you Ms. Bing.

(Monica exits)

Producer (to Joey): I think she's the new Shannon.

Joey: Great!

Producer: Are you sure you don't know her?

Joey: Never seen her before in my life.

Producer: You did see that she's married right?

Joey: Yes, I saw.

Producer: Not that that has stopped you before.

Joey: True, but I have a feeling she's in a strong committed relationship.

Producer: How do you know that?

Joey: She didn't kiss me with tongue like all the other girls.

SCARSDALE (Ross and Rachel are looking at another house)

Rachel: Do you like this one?

Ross: I think I do.

Rachel: Thank God because I love it! Have you seen the backyard? We could totally put a pool back there!

Ross: Or we could dig for fossils! (Rachel just looks at Ross) Should we try out the closet?

Rachel: What?

Ross: Do you wanna get naked in the closet?

Rachel: The realtor is downstairs waiting for us. She'll hear us.

Ross: So? I'll be quick.

Rachel: You're always quick. Can't you last longer than a minute just once?

Ross: Have you looked at yourself naked in the mirror?

Rachel: Not recently.

Ross: Well if you've seen what I've seen, you'd only last a minute too.

Rachel: That's some compliment. I think a trip to the closet is warranted now.

Ross: Never under estimate the power of Ross.

Rachel: Screw that, there's a mirror in this closet, I wanna see myself naked.

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is feeding Caitlin)

Phoebe: So do you like your new place? (pause) Of course you do, you're a baby. (the baby makes a gurgling sound) What's that? You want to go to Auntie Monica and Uncle Chandler's place? (Cailtin lifts her arm) Ok, we'll go as soon as you finish your bottle.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler is watching TV as Monica enters)

Monica: Hey honey, how'd the interview go?

Chandler: It was interesting.

Monica: Oh, in what way?

Chandler: If I wanted the job I had to sleep with the boss.

Monica: What'd you do?

Chandler: We did it on her desk.

Monica: You, you, you, you cheated on me with some slut just to get a job?!

Chandler: Relax, I'm only kidding. I interviewed with Bill's wife Donna. Bill just had Donna come onto me.

Monica: How is that any better?!

Chandler: It was a joke Mon. When I told her that I was leaving she said that I was the first candidate to turn her offer down. It's not like I'm Joey who goes around kissing married women.

Monica (caught off guard and putting her hand over her lips): Right, only Joey would do that.

Chandler: Anyway, I got the job. I start on Monday. Can you believe that Toys R Us is gonna pay me $150,000 a year to manage their data processing unit?

Monica: We can finally buy a house!

Chandler: That's exactly what I was thinking.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Chandler got the Toys R Us job!

Joey: Dude, the dream is coming true!

Chandler: Now if Toys R Us would only make adult toys I'd be all set!

Joey: That'd be so cool! (to Monica) Oh Mon, you left before I got a chance to tell you. You got the part!

Monica: I got the part?

Joey: You got the part. Recurring for two weeks. Then they'll kill you off.

Monica: I can't believe it! (Monica kisses Joey)

Chandler: Wait. Wait a minute. I'm missing something here and stop kissing my best friend!

Joey: Monica got the part!

Chandler: The part in what?

Monica: Ok, but please don't be mad, I really wanted to do this.

Chandler: Do what?

Monica: I went with Joey today to the set and auditioned for a role on General Hospital. The audition went really well and I got the job.

Chandler: Why'd I be mad at that?

Joey: Tell him the good part.

Chandler: What's the good part?

Monica: I play Joey's new love interest.

Chandler: What?! You're gonna be kissing Joey?

Joey: Dude it's ok, there's no tongue involved.

Monica: Joey!

Chandler: I need to sit down. No, I need to kill Joey. I must kill Joey. There's Joey. I must kill Joey.

Monica: Run Joey run!

(Chandler chases Joey out the door)

SCARSDALE (Ross and Rachel emerge from the closet)

Rachel: I thought you said you'd be quick.

Ross: You're complaining that I lasted too long? That's a definite first.

Rachel: Well when the unexpected happens you don't know how to deal with it.

(The realtor comes up to the second floor)

Realtor: So what do you think of the house?

Ross: This is the one. We're making an offer on this house.

Realtor: How was the closet?

Rachel: Excuse me?

Realtor: Yeah, while you and Ross were in the closet your cell phone rang, it was your friend Phoebe. She asked where you guys were and I told her that you were having sex in the closet.

Ross: How, how, what, how'd you know that?

Realtor: When you've been in the business as long as I have you just know. You're not the first couple to make love in a house that they wanted to buy. Most people pick the master bath but the closet works too.

Rachel: I don't think I've ever been this embarrassed.

Ross: I told you that you shouldn't have screamed give it to me Ross at the top of your lungs.

Realtor: By the way, Phoebe took Caitlin to Uncle Chandler and Auntie Monica's place. I hope you know what that means.

Rachel: It means that Phoebe's a dead woman.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is out on the balcony as Phoebe enters with Caitlin)

Phoebe (to Caitlin): See, this is where rich people live. (noticing Monica on the balcony) Hey Mon. (Monica waves and moves to come inside) Here comes the mean Auntie Monica. We have to be neat around her or she'll flip a lid.

Monica: Are you supposed to take Caitlin out?

Phoebe: No, but I was so bored at Ross and Rachel's. There's nothing to do there except play with dinosaur bones.

Monica: Are you supposed to be playing with the dinosaur bones?

Phoebe: No, but when do I ever listen to Ross and Rachel?

Monica: Good point.

Phoebe: Where's Chandler and Joey?

Monica: Chandler's out trying to kill him right now. They've already been around the block six times already.

Phoebe: What happened?

Monica: I got the part on General Hospital. Chandler's not too thrilled that Joey and I will be kissing.

Phoebe: You're gonna be kissing my husband?!

Monica (sheepishly): Yeah.

Phoebe: Do you need a few pointers?

Monica: No. I think I've got it covered.

Phoebe: Just be careful of Joey's tongue. He'll stick all the way down your throat if you're not careful.

Monica: Thanks for the tip.

(Joey comes rushing in)

Joey: Lock the door! Lock the door!

Monica: He has a key you moron.

Joey: Then hide me! He's literally going to kill me!

(Chandler comes rushing in)

Chandler: Get over here you bastard! I'm gonna rip your lips off your face! How dare you kiss my wife without my permission!

Joey: I didn't think you'd mind! I'd never do anything to hurt you buddy!

Chandler: You're a dead man Tribbiani!

Monica (screaming): Knock it off Chandler!

(The room falls silent as Ross and Rachel enter)

Rachel: What the hell are you doing here Phoebe?! I told you not to take Caitlin out!

Ross: Ah Rachel, I think we're interrupting something.

Rachel: Do you think I really care?

Monica: Just wait a minute Rach. I've got to fix this situation.

Ross: What happened?

Monica: Just hold on a minute. (to Chandler) You sit there and (to Joey) you sit there. You're both gonna shut up and let me talk. When I'm finished talking you're gonna shake hands and this matter will be over and done with. Understood?

Chandler: I'm still gonna kill him.

Monica: Damn it Chandler, grow up!

Chandler: Hey, I wasn't the one who kissed their best friend. How'd you feel if I kissed Rachel?

Rachel: Well I for one would be really pissed.

Ross: Red Ross would definitely show up at the party.

Monica: Would you two stay out of it?

Ross: I don't even know what we're in.

Phoebe: Joey kissed Monica and Chandler's not too happy about it.

Ross: You kissed my married sister?! When Chandler gets done kicking your ass it's my turn!

Monica: Nobody's kicking anyone's ass. This is stupid. We were acting. Acting. It doesn't mean anything. (to Chandler) Do you really think that I'd leave you for Joey?

Joey: Hey, you could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani.

Monica (glaring at Joey): What did I say about talking?

Joey: Sorry.

Monica: Look Chandler, I'm sorry I didn't tell you that went to the audition. But in my defense I didn't know that I'd be kissing Joey. But you should have seen us acting together, we had great chemistry. But when I come home from the set, I'm Monica Bing, the pregnant wife of Chandler Bing. The Chandler Bing that I fell in love with and the Chandler Bing that I'll always love.

Phoebe: I think I need a tissue.

Ross: Are you crying?

Phoebe: No, Caitlin spit up on me.

Chandler: Fine. Act all you want. I really don't care.

Joey: You mean that?

Chandler: Sure Joe. Whatever you want to believe.

Monica: You do know that I love you?

Chandler: Yeah. But you know what? I don't like it at all. I can't stand the sight of seeing my best friend kiss my pregnant wife. If you want to act on General Hospital, then act. I don't care. Just don't expect me to be here when you get home from the set.

(Chandler gets up and leaves)

Monica (upset): Did he just walk out on me?

Ross: I think he's just blowing off steam.

Rachel: No, I think he just walked out on Monica.


ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)

Ross: Did she go down?

Rachel: Like a tree in the woods. I don't think Phoebe ever put her down for her nap.

Ross: When does Phoebe ever do anything that we ask?

Rachel: It was your idea to let her babysit for us.

(the phone rings - Ross answers it)

Ross: Hello? (pause) Oh, how's it going? (pause) Ok. I'll tell her. (Ross hangs up the phone)

Rachel: Who was that?

Ross: The house is ours if we want it. They accepted our offer. All we have to do is put the deposit in escrow.

Rachel: It's really ours?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Our life is really changing isn't it?

Ross: Faster then we can change a poopy diaper.