Written by:†† Ethan


Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


CENTRAL PERK Ė (Everyone but Monica is present)


Rachel:I really love this time of year.


Ross:Yeah, the snow, the sleet, the freezing rain, stepping in ice puddles, you canít beat it.


Rachel:Thatís not what I meant.


Phoebe:I love the Christmas lights, the way they flicker against the backdrop of snow falling, it makes me feel all warm inside.


Chandler:Reading Christmas cards again Pheebs?


Phoebe:Of course.You think I believe that crap?


Joey:Well I for one love the holidays.


Rachel:See, I knew I could count on Joey.I knew he could see the true meaning of the holidays.


Joey:Yeah, I mean who wouldnít love the holidays.Itís the best time of the year to get all the stuff that you canít afford yourself.




ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are present)


Joey:Dude, this place looks like a girl lives here.What the hell is this?


Ross:Thatís aÖ..I have no idea what that is.


Joey:So what are you getting Rach for Christmas?


Ross:I have no idea.


Joey:How aboutÖ..


Ross:And Iím not giving her coupons for Ross love.


Joey:I was gonna say give her Joey love coupons.You know Iíve always had the hots for her.




Joey:Oh, Iím sorry, thatís Monica that I have the hots for.


Ross:Thatís even worse!


Joey:Howís that worse?


Ross:Thatís my sister youíre talking about.


Joey:Dude, donít wig out on me!Chandlerís the one doing your sister.


Ross:What are you getting Phoebe?


Joey:Coupons for Joey love.


Ross:Seriously, what are you getting her?


Joey:That not good enough?


Ross:No! Sheís your girlfriend now.Youíve got to get her something special.


Joey:Maybe Iíll give herÖ.


Ross:And throwing in a trip to Tonyís Pizza isnít gonna cut it either.


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)


Phoebe:Arenít you supposed to be at work?


Chandler:What day is it?


Phoebe:Itís Tuesday.


Chandler:No, the date.


Phoebe:Itís December 11.


Chandler (looking in his daily planner):Let me seeÖ.nope, today is a sick day.


Phoebe:You schedule your sick days?


Chandler:Of course.I have tomorrow off too to recover from my stomach flu today.


Phoebe:Then why did you act like you were leaving for work this morning?


Chandler:So Monica would think Iím at work.


Phoebe:But what happens if she calls you at work?


Chandler:My office phone forwards my calls to here.


Phoebe:Thatís amazing.But what if youíre not here?What about your message machine?


Chandler:The message machine happens to be broken.




Chandler:Itís kinda hard for it to work when itís unplugged.


Phoebe:Ok, last one.I think Iíve got you this time you lying weasel.What if Monica comes home unexpectedly?


Chandler:Then I rush to the bathroom and act like Iím throwing up.


Phoebe:Youíre a genius.


Chandler:That has been said by manyÖ.except by my own wife.


Phoebe:So are you ready to go shopping?


Chandler:Lead the way my fair lady.††††


VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel is working when Monica enters)




Rachel:What are you doing here?!


Monica:Itís nice to see you too.


Rachel:Sorry, you startled me.Whatís up?


Monica:Can you get out of here today?


Rachel:Not really.


Monica:Come on, letís go shopping.


Rachel:Oh sweetie Iíd love to but Iíve gotta finish this report for my boss.


Monica:Tell her that your morning sickness is outta control.


Rachel:As in accidentally puking on the report so I have to re-do it when I feel better?


Monica:Whatever floats your boat.


Rachel:Give me a minute.


Monica:Iíll be out in the hall.


(Monica goes out into the hall)


Monica (to Rachelís secretary):Hi, Iím Monica, Rachelís friend.


Secretary:Thatís nice.Excuse me.


(Rachel emerges from her office)


Rachel:Letís go shopping.


Monica:Ah, whatís the matter with your secretary?She was totally rude to me.


Rachel:Did you introduce yourself?




Rachel:Yeah, she hates people who are nice to her.


MACYíS DEPARTMENT STORE (Phoebe and Chandler are shopping)


Chandler:Why are we here?


Phoebe:You have to get something nice for Monica.


Chandler:But I already got her something.


Phoebe:You are not giving her a gift certificate to Rite Aid.


Chandler:But think of all the cleaning supplies she could get.


Phoebe:How about this sweater?Sheíd look good in this sweater.


Chandler:Is that what you want me to get you for Christmas Pheebs?


Phoebe:No, what would make you think that?


Chandler:Ah, the fact that youíre drooling.


Phoebe:Would you get it or me?


Chandler:Sure, itís easier than you returning any gift that I wouldíve picked out myself.


Phoebe:Youíre so sweet.Iím gonna try it on.(Phoebe takes off her shirt and tries it on)


Chandler:Ah, they have dressing rooms you know.


Phoebe:I know, but this is much quicker.Itís perfect, Iíll take it.I mean, Chandler, this would be a great gift for you to give me.


Chandler:Give me the sweater.(Phoebe takes the sweater off, and goes to put her shirt back on)


Little Boy (passing by):Momma, that womanís getting naked in the store.


Chandler (to woman):Donít mind her, sheís with me.Sheís my sister.Sheís slow.Sheís not allowed out without supervision.If I werenít here sheíd be running around the store completely naked.


Woman:She should really be in a dressing room, thereíre impressionable children in the store.


Chandler:I know. Iím sorry for the show. (The woman and boy walk away)Phoebe!


Phoebe:Letís go find some lingerie for Monica.Sheíd love that.


Chandler:Youíre not gonna try that on too are you?


Phoebe:Maybe lover boy.


VIRGIN MEGASTORE (Rachel and Monica are shopping)


Rachel:Youíre really gonna get Chandler John Denverís box set for Christmas?


Monica:Yeah, they donít have posters of Jane Leeves, itís the next best thing.Ew, I should get him Britney Spearsí new album.


Rachel:He likes Britney Spears?Isnít he a little old for that?


Monica:He says he doesnít like her, but heís always singing her songs in the shower.


Rachel:Are you sure he isnít gay?


Monica:I know, I wonder about that too.What are you getting Ross?


Rachel:Maybe I should pick him up some Kenny G CDs while Iím here.


Monica:If you get some bubble bath soaps heíll love you forever.


Rachel:Ew, thatís a great idea.


Monica:Are you sure Ross isnít a girl?


Rachel:If heís a girl, I wouldnít be knocked up now would I?(pause)He really does act like a girl doesnít he?


Monica:Weíre pathetic, you married a girl and I married a closeted gay man.


TONYíS PIZZA (Ross and Joey are eating lunch)


Ross:I canít believe youíre giving Phoebe an X-Box for Christmas.




Ross:Oh I dunno, the fact that she doesnít play video games comes to mind.


Joey:But I do.


Ross:Youíre supposed to get her something that sheís gonna enjoy, not something that youíre gonna enjoy.


Joey:Look, you donít understand Phoebe and Iís relationship.Itís different then a normal relationship.Our relationship is special.You wouldnít understand.


Ross:Based on sex?


Joey:Ok, so you understand one aspect.But itís deeper than that.


Ross:And selfishness?


Joey:Ok, have you been talking to Phoebe behind my back?




Joey:Look, you got Rachel clothes for Christmas.What kinda gift is that?


Ross:Theyíre maternity clothes and she needs them.


Joey:Clothes arenít fun!Theyíre practical!Get her something exciting!


Ross:I did get her something exciting!


Joey:Ross, giving your wife Lamaze classes is not exciting.


Ross:So youíre saying I shouldíve gotten her an X-Box too?


Joey:Now youíre thinking.Letís go back to Toys Rí Us and get her the ultimate game machine.


Ross:Seriously, Iím gonna do something special for Rachel for Christmas.


Joey:What is it?


Ross:Like Iím gonna tell you.Youíre dating the biggest mouth on the planet.


Joey:Hey, donít talk about Phoebe that way!


Ross:You know its true.




Ross:Thatís what I thought.


CENTRAL PERK (Everyoneís present)


Monica:Did everyone finish there holiday shopping?


Joey:We have to get gifts for everyone?!


Monica:Sorry Joey, youíre no longer a poor actor.We expect gifts from you this year.


Joey:But itís Christmas Eve, all the stores are closed!Damn it!Iíll be back.(Joey leaves)


Chandler:I guess we can all expect gift certificates to Burger World from Joey.


Phoebe:I know what Chandler got everyone.


Rachel:Ew, what did he get me?


Phoebe:A new vibrator.


Chandler:Phoebe!You promised not to tell.


Ross:Well as exciting as this conversation is, Rachel and I have to go see Ben and give him his Christmas presents.


Monica:Damn, I forgot to get Ben something for Christmas.


Phoebe:What a great aunt you are.


Chandler:Donít worry Mon, I got Benís gift this year.


Monica:What did you get him?


Chandler:An X-box.


Ross:Whatís that?


Rachel:You are a complete idiot Ross.Everyone knows an X-box is the video game console of the 21st century.


Ross:Great, youíre gonna warp my kidís brain with video games.


Phoebe:Ross, I think youíve done enough damage with all the dinosaurs youíve gotten him.


Ross:Hey, those are educational toys.Itís important for him to learn.


Chandler:Well now he can unlearn things while frying his mind when heís playing video games.


CAROL & SUSANíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are at the door)


Susan:Who is it?


Ross:Itís Ross and Rachel, the heterosexual parenting team.


Susan:Hey! Merry Christmas.






Rachel:Hey Susan, Merry Christmas.Whereís Carol?


Susan:Sheís with Ben in his bedroom.(shouting)Carol, Ross and Rachel are here. (normal voice)Sorry, having a kid around does strange things to you.


Carol:Hey guys, Merry Christmas.


Ben:Hi Daddy, hi Mommy Rachel.


Ross:Howís my boy?Have you been good for Santa Claus this year?


Ben:Dad, Santa Claus isnít real.


Ross:What?Of course Santa Claus is real.


Ben:Then explain to me how he can deliver presents to 6 billion people in one night.Itís physically impossible.


Rachel (to Susan):When did this happen?


Susan:Tonight.Thatís what Carol and Ben were talking about in his bedroom.


Ross:Ben, Santa Claus is real.He can deliver presents to 6 billion people in one night because heís magical.


Ben:Fine, you believe what you wanna believe, but I know Santa isnít real.What did you get me for Christmas?


Rachel:Itís a surprise.You canít open it until tomorrow.


Ben:You have no idea what Daddy got me do you?




Rachel:Actually heís right, I have no idea.


(knock on the door, Chandler and Monica enter)


Ben:Cool, Uncle Chandlerís here!


Susan:What about Auntie Monica?Arenít you glad to see her too?


Ben:Oh right, hi Auntie Monica.


Monica:Howís my favorite nephew?


Ben:Iím your only nephew.


Susan:Ben, stop being a brat or weíre sending all your gifts back.


Monica (to Chandler) Thatís it, Iím giving him our present.


Chandler (under his breath):But Iím the one who bought it.††


Monica (under her breath):Yes, but youíre only related to him because youíre married to me.Now give it to me!


Chandler:Fine, here.


Monica:Ben, do you wanna open your gift from your Aunt and Uncle?


Ben:Can I mom?


Rachel (to Carol and Susan):Which one of us is he talking to?


Susan:Everyone say yes now.




Ross:Ok, thatís a little weird.


Monica:Here you go Ben.(Ben takes the gift and starts tearing off the wrapping paper)


Ben:Look everybody, Uncle Chandler and Aunt Monica got me an X-box!(hugging Chandler) Thanks Uncle Chandler.


Susan:Donít forget Aunt Monica Ben.


Ben:Thanks Aunt Monica!


Monica:Your welcome Ben.


Carol:Ah Monica and Chandler can I see you guys for a minute?




Carol:Ok, next time we all have to get together to talk about what weíre getting Ben.


Chandler:Ok.Why exactly?


Carol:Because now Susan and I donít have a Santa gift for Ben.


Chandler:Sorry about that.


Monica:Yeah, we didnít know.


Carol:Itís ok, weíll us one of Rossí gifts as a Santa present.


Chandler (laughing):Why, do you make the kid not believe in Santa anymore?




Carol:Actually Ben and I had the discussion tonight.Apparently some kid at his school went around and told all the boys that Santa wasnít real anymore.


Monica: Thatís a mean thing to do.


Carol:Yeah, I asked Ben how the other little boy could be so sure that Santa wasnít real.You know what he said?




Carol:If Santa were real heíd be so fat from eating all the cookies at each house he went to that heíd never fit down the chimney.


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Christmas morning.Rachel has awakened, Ross is still asleep)


Rachel:Ross, wake up.(shaking Ross)Ross!Wake up!




Rachel:Itís Christmas morning.


Ross:What time is it?


Rachel:Itís 6:30 am.


Ross:Now I now why the Jewish faith doesnít celebrate Christmas.


Rachel:What time did you come to bed last night?


Ross:About two hours ago.


Rachel:What in the hell were you doing?


Ross:Youíll see.May I go back to sleep now please?


Rachel:No, I wanna know what you were doing until 4:30.


Ross:Let me sleep an hour and then Iíll show you.


Rachel (whining):But I wanna see now!


Ross:Ok, now youíre starting to sound like Janice.


Rachel:Ross Geller, I wanna see now.


Ross:Are you threatening me?




Ross:Ok, ok. Letís go.


(Ross and Rachel enter the family room)




Ross:Right this way.


Rachel:Should I close my eyes?


Ross:Iíd love to.


Rachel:Not you you idiot, me.


Ross:Close your eyes.(Rachel closes her eyes and Ross opens the door to the second bedroom)Alright, open them.


Rachel (opening her eyes and seeing the second bedroom done up as a nursery) Oh my God!You did all this?




Rachel:Oh Ross, itís so beautiful!And itís in neutral colors, perfect for a boy or a girl.I love it so much!


Ross:Thanks, can I go back to bed now?


Rachel:Yes.Thanks honey, I love you so much.


Ross:I love you too.


Rachel:Oh Ross?




Rachel (crying):I really do love it.


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyoneís present)


Joey:Ha!And you guys thought Iíd get you gift certificates to Burger World again.


Chandler:You definitely went all out my man.My own X-Box, now Iíll call in sick to work three days a week.(notices Monica is glaring at him)Not that Iíd ever do that if I werenít sick.†††


Monica:Yeah right.You forgot to plug the answering machine back in before I got home the other day.


Phoebe:He he, youíre so busted you lying little weasel.


Monica:Oh and Phoebe, we need to speak before you go.Oh, and I love my steam cleaner.Now we just have to get carpet.


Chandler:How do you like your sweater Pheebs?


Phoebe:I love it.Youíve got really great taste.


Joey:Rach, how about them Lamaze classes?Ross really scored didnít he?


Rachel:More than youíll ever know Joey.


Joey (to Ross):How do you do that?


Ross:It comes from being in touch with your feminine side.


Joey:Well at least that explains why I have no clue when it comes to buying presents for women.


Monica:So did you like the nursery Rach?


Rachel:I loved it.I was so surprised.None of you knew about this?


Phoebe:About what?


Rachel:The nursery that Ross spent all night getting ready for me.


Phoebe:Not a clue.


Joey:I knew.


Ross:You did not!


Joey:You told me you had a surprise for Rachel.


Ross:But I didnít tell you what it was.


Chandler:Yeah, Joeyís idea of a surprise present is dressing up naked and putting a ribbon on his head and saying ďMerry ChristmasĒ!


Phoebe:He told you about that?


Rachel:Anyway, who got me these cooking classes?


Chandler:I did.


Rachel:Are you trying to tell me something?


Chandler:It was Rossí idea.


Rachel:Oh was it?


Ross:I just thought that you might enjoy learning how to cook.


Monica:Where is Chandler?


Phoebe:He and Joey are out on the balcony looking through the telescope.They mentioned something about hunting for naked women.


Rachel:Leave Ďem be Mon, itís Christmas.


Ross:I think Iíll go join Ďem.


Rachel:Sit down Ross!


Monica:What happened to ďitís ChristmasĒ Rach?


Rachel:Your husband didnít tell his best friend to get you cooking classes for Christmas.




CAROL & SUSANíS APARTMENT (Ben has finished opening his gifts)


Carol:Well Ben, are you happy with what you got this year?


Ben:Yeah.I really canít wait to play video games.


Susan:So you believe in Santa again?


Ben:Of course not.Santa would never get me a junior paleontology set for Christmas.The only Santa around here is Daddy.


Carol:But Daddy got you a telescope.


Ben:Oh.I thought that was from Uncle Chandler.




Ben:Because he told me that I could use a telescope to look for naked girls.