THE ONE WHERE CHANDLER GROWS UP
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica and Joey are present)
Joey: You know what I was wondering?
Chandler: No and I really don't care.
Joey: How come women get all the breaks?
Monica: What in the hell are you talking about?
Joey: Just that, women get all the breaks.
Monica: Again, what the hell are you talking about? Men dominate the business world, they dominate the history books and they make more money than women do. So I ask you again, what in the hell are you talking about?
Joey: Well I'm just saying. See that lady over there?
Joey: That guy that she's sitting with just bought her cup of coffee.
Monica: Did it ever occur to you that they may be dating?
Joey: But she said she's seeing someone.
Chandler: She turned you down Joey?
Monica: Well thank God women get all the breaks.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present. Chandler's at the table reading the paper. Monica emerges from the bedroom)
Monica: What are you still doing here?
Chandler: I'm reading the paper.
Monica: It's 10:00 am!
Chandler: And your point is?
Monica: You were supposed to be at work an hour and a half ago.
Chandler: Oops. (goes back to reading the paper)
Monica: You know, one day they're gonna catch you pulling this crap.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Rachel and Caitlin are present)
Phoebe: Are you ready to go?
Rachel: Almost, I just have to pump a bottle of breast milk for Caitlin.
Phoebe: How long is that gonna take?
Rachel: Ten minutes. Why don't you watch some TV? I'll be ready before you know it.
Phoebe: Oh, Sesame Street is on.
Rachel: Caitlin loves that show!
Phoebe: I wouldn't let her get addicted to it, it's produced by Satan.
Rachel: It's a kid show Phoebe. I highly doubt the devil has anything to do with it.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, well how do you explain my life? I grew up watching Sesame Street.
Rachel: Yeah, change the channel.
CHANDLER'S OFFICE (Chandler has arrived at work. His secretary Amy has handed him his messages)
Amy: Bill was looking for you.
Chandler (panicked): What did you tell him?
Amy: That you went with Monica to her doctor's appointment.
Chandler: You're getting really good at this lying stuff.
Amy: It's only because of you.
Chandler: What did Bill want?
Amy: He's coming to see you this afternoon?
Chandler: Did he say why?
Amy: Nope. He said he'd be down at three.
Chandler: That gives me time for a four-hour nap. Ok, if anyone asks, I'm on the phone and I don't want to be disturbed.
Amy: Not working today?
Chandler: How long have you worked for me?
Amy: Three months.
Chandler: And in that time have I done an ounce of work?
Chandler: Why would today be any different?
JOEY & PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Ross and Joey are present)
Joey: Why aren't you at work?
Ross: 'Cause it's summertime and there're no classes to teach.
Joey: I need a job like that.
Ross: Yeah, you should just concentrate on keeping the job you have. (pause) Are you feeling ok?
Joey: No. It's hot as hell in here.
Ross: Huh, I think it's cold in here. Come for a minute.
Joey: No way, you're gonna take my temperature. I'm not falling for that trick again.
Ross: I was just gonna feel your head.
Joey: Look, you're one of my best friends, but I don't think it's appropriate for you to touch my penis to take my temperature. I'd much rather you do it rectally.
Ross: No you idiot, I was gonna feel your forehead.
Joey: I knew that. Well?
Ross: You're burning up. Are you feeling pain at all?
Joey: My stomach is killing me.
Ross: Have you puked at all in the past couple of hours?
Joey: I've been puking since late last night.
Ross: Yeah, we need to get you to the Hospital.
Joey: The hospital?!
Ross: It sounds like you have appendicitis.
Joey: Well you'd know, you are a doctor after all.
Ross: I have a doctorate in Paleontology, not Medicine.
Joey: So you're saying that you have no idea what you're talking about.
Ross: Well I might not be a doctor, but I had appendicitis when I was sixteen. I know what to look for.
Joey: Well keep looking 'cause I'm fine.
Ross: Did you know that if your appendix bursts, you could die from infection?
Joey: Yeah, let's go to the hospital.
BLOOMINGDALES (Phoebe and Rachel are shopping)
Rachel: What do you think of this?
Phoebe: That would look absolutely fantastic on me.
Rachel: I was gonna buy it for myself.
Phoebe: Oh. It would look good on you.
Phoebe: No, I was being nice. (pause) Oh my God! This dress is perfect for me.
Rachel: Try it on. (Phoebe starts taking off her shirt) Phoebe! What the hell are you doing? There're dressing rooms!
Phoebe: But this is much easier.
Rachel: Go to the dressing room!
Phoebe: You're no fun to shop with, Chandler always watches me try on my clothes.
Rachel: Yeah, I'll make sure I relay that to Monica.
(Rachel and Phoebe go the dressing rooms. Rachel wheels Caitlin into the dressing room with her)
Phoebe: Ah Rach?
Phoebe: Do you have any spare underwear?
Rachel: You're not wearing underwear?
Phoebe: No, I forgot to put it on.
Rachel: Well I don't have any. (Rachel emerges from her dressing room to look at herself in the mirror) Oh, I'm definitely buying this.
(Phoebe emerges from her dressing room. She's nearly falling out of her dress)
Phoebe: Do I look hot or do I look hot?
Rachel: You look like you're about to fall out of your dress.
Phoebe: That's ok, I have nice boobs.
Rachel: You forgot to put on a bra?
Phoebe: I rarely ever wear a bra anymore. Joey just takes them off anyway.
Rachel: Let's change and go have lunch.
Phoebe: I'm buying.
Rachel: Was there any question?
(cut to two minutes later. Rachel and Phoebe emerge from the dressing room)
Phoebe: Where do you wanna eat?
Phoebe: Yeah, then I can have to farting contests with Joey later.
(Rachel and Phoebe walk away, leaving Caitlin in her stroller in the dressing room)
CHANDLER'S OFFICE (Bill approaches Amy's desk outside of Chandler's office)
Bill: Is he in?
Amy: Yes sir.
Bill: Why don't you go on break for a half hour?
Amy: But I just took my break.
Bill: Take another one.
Amy: Is everything ok?
Bill: Everything's fine. I just have to talk to Chandler about something. Here's $50, go to Bloomingdales or something. Just don't come back in the next 30 minutes.
(Bill enters Chandler's office. Surprisingly, Chandler's awake and working)
Chandler: Hey Bill. What's with the formalities?
Bill: I need to talk to you.
Chandler: Ok. What's up?
Bill: You’re fired.
Chandler: That's a good one sir. You've used it before though.
Bill: I'm not joking Chandler. You have until the end of the day to pack up your things and vacate the premises.
Chandler: You're serious.
Bill: Dead serious.
Chandler: Can you tell what I did?
Bill: It's not so much what you did, it's what you haven't done. Did you know that in the past three months you haven't shown up to work on time? You've taken at least a three hour nap each day and you've abused the sick time policy. Hell you even forged time cards to cover for your shenanigans.
Chandler: You know about that? I mean, how do you know about that? Ah, what proof do you have?
Bill: Your secretary Amy has been keeping a daily log of your activities for the past three months on my orders.
Chandler: You planted, you planted a mole in my division?
Bill: Yes I did. God knows how long you've been pulling this crap. What I didn't understand was how you were pulling it off.
Chandler: Pulling what off?
Bill: You were always on time with your reports. Then I figured out that you had delegated all your work to your staff. They've been working overtime for years just to keep your ass out of trouble.
Chandler: I was just utilizing my resources. You taught me that.
Bill: Well you're fired.
Chandler: Can't we work something out? I have been at this company for over ten years. You just can't show me the door. I promise I'll change. I work extra hard and for a full day. Come on Bill, isn't my time served worth anything?
Bill: The only thing it's good for is that I'll put a good word for you when you need a reference. Other than that, you're history. A word of advice Chandler, I like you, you're a great guy, but you need to grow up and take some responsibility in your career and life. I'm sorry. Be out of here by the end of the day. (Bill leaves)
Chandler: Monica was right, my crap has caught up with me.
PEPITO'S (Rachel and Phoebe are sitting down eating their lunch)
Phoebe: Wow, Caitlin's being awfully good.
Rachel: That's because she takes after her mother.
Phoebe: Don't you think she'd be hungry by now?
Rachel: Yeah, I better give her her bottle. (pause, notices Caitlin isn't there) Oh my God!
Phoebe: What? What is it?
Rachel (getting up and sprinting for the door): I left Caitlin in the dressing room at Bloomingdales!
Phoebe: Can't we finish our food?
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Joey and Ross are present)
Ross: Hi. My buddy Joey here needs medical attention.
Receptionist: What seems to be the problem?
Joey: It feels like there's an alien in my stomach and he's trying to get out.
Receptionist: Take him to the ER.
Joey: The ER?
Ross: That stands for the Enema Room.
Joey: Look at that, I feel better already.
Ross: Joey, ER stands for the emergency room.
Joey: Then I definitely need to go there.
BLOOMINDALES (Rachel and Phoebe have returned to look for Cailtin)
Rachel: I can't believe I did this.
Phoebe: I totally can!
Rachel: Ok, you're not helping. I left my baby by herself in a dressing room!
Phoebe: Keep it down, do you want everyone in the store to know that you're a bad mother?
Rachel: I am not a bad mother!
Phoebe: Whatever you say.
Rachel: Stay here, I'm gonna go see if she's still the dressing room.
(Rachel goes into the dressing room and goes to the stall where she was previously. She opens the door to find Caitlin still in her stroller and she's sleeping)
Rachel: Thank God!
Store Clerk: Excuse me Miss, but is that you're baby?
Clerk: You do know that she's been in there by herself for like a half hour.
Rachel: I can explain….
Clerk: No need to explain. You're not the first mother to leave her child in our dressing rooms on accident.
Clerk: Sure. Are you a new mother?
Rachel: Yeah, as a matter of fact I am.
Clerk: Yeah, I remember when I had my first daughter, I left her in Taco Bell on accident. I was half way home by the time I realized I left her there.
Rachel: I'm not in any trouble am I?
Clerk: No, it's not a problem. And besides, she's been asleep the whole time. Heck, it's not as bad as this story I heard where two gay men left their baby on a City bus. Now those two were complete idiots.
Phoebe: Oh good, she's still here.
Rachel: I thought I asked you to wait outside for me?
Phoebe: You did but I didn't want you to lose me like the way you lost Caitlin.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is reading on the couch as Chandler enters)
Chandler: Honey, I'm home! Wow, there are two of you in the room!
Monica: Have you been drinking?
Monica: What happened?
Chandler: Not much. I just got fired, that's all. So I went down to some bar and got wasted to celebrate losing my job. Yup, I don't work at, at, at….where'd I work again?
Monica: They fired you? Why?
Chandler: Apparently you can't abuse your position. Apparently I'm completely irresponsible. Apparently….I think I'm gonna be sick. (Chandler goes into the bathroom and throws up)
Monica: Are you ok?
Chandler (emerging from the bathroom): I'm perfectly sober. Gimme a kiss.
Monica: I don't think so.
Chandler: Why not?
Monica: You have puke on your chin.
Chandler: Do we have any beer? I need a beer.
Monica: No more alcohol.
Chandler: But there's too much blood in my alcohol system….or something like that.
Monica: Not a chance. We're gonna sober you up and talk about what happened.
Chandler: I already told you what happened! They fired my ass!
Monica: Ok, then we're gonna talk about what you're gonna do next.
Chandler: That's easy, I'm gonna go get sick in the toilet again.
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM (Ross, Joey and the Doctor are present)
Doctor: It looks like you have appendicitis. You're gonna need an emergency operation. I just need you to sign the consent form.
Joey: Operation! Operation! I'm not having no stinkin' operation!
Ross: Won't he die if he doesn't have an operation?
Doctor: Well if the appendix bursts, he could die from an infection.
Joey (to Ross): You told me this was not that big of a deal!
Ross: It isn't Joey. It's really a routine operation. I had mine when I was younger. You'll be fine.
Doctor: He's right Joey, it's a routine operation. Nothing bad's gonna happen to you.
Joey: I don't want it. No way, you're not cutting this hombre open.
Doctor: Ok, I'll call the morgue and tell them to pick up your body in about eight hours.
Joey (to Ross): See, he's gonna let the morgue take care of me.
Ross: Yeah. You do know that the morgue is where they take the dead people right?
Joey (to the Doctor): Where's the consent form and where do I sign?
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler has sobered up a little bit and is talking with Monica)
Chandler: I'm really sorry Mon, I really screwed up this time.
Monica: I'm not mad at you Chandler.
Chandler: You're not?
Monica: No. I mean I'm disappointed but in a way I'm glad that this happened to you now instead of later.
Monica: If this happened after I had the baby, then yeah, I'd be furious. But you have plenty of time to find a new job in the coming months. I know that you'll be on your feet again in a couple of weeks. And besides, you hated your job, it was time to leave there anyway.
Chandler: Bill said a funny thing to me. He said it's time for you to grow up Chandler. He totally reminded me of you when he said that.
Monica: Ok, I don't know whether to be glad or offended.
Chandler: No. Bill's right, I need to grow up.
Monica: Sure, you listen to Bill. I've been telling you to grow up for three years now.
(The phone rings and Chandler answers it)
Chandler: Good afternoon, Pizza Hut. How can I help you?
Monica: Give me the phone! (Monica takes the phone from Chandler) Hello? (pause) Oh, hey Ross. (pause) He's just a little drunk. (pause) Are you serious? (pause) Ok, we'll be down in a couple of hours. See ya then.
Chandler: You hung up the phone? I wanted to order a pizza!
Monica: Stop clowning around. Joey's in the hospital. He's having his appendix taken out.
Chandler: I didn't know that Joey was a book.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel, Phoebe and Caitlin are present)
Rachel: Look Phoebe, don't say anything to Ross. He'd absolutely kill me.
Phoebe: So you're pretty much not gonna tell him what happened?
Rachel: No, I'll tell him. But I'll wait for him to be in a good mood.
Phoebe: So you're pretty much not gonna tell him.
(the phone rings and Rachel answers)
Rachel: Hello? (pause) Hey honey. (pause) He's where? (pause) Yeah, we'll come down. (pause) I love you too. Bye. (to Phoebe) Joey's in the hospital getting his appendix out.
Phoebe: And that should concern me why?
Rachel: He's your husband. Don't you care that he's having an operation?
Phoebe: He's having an operation?
Rachel: I think that was implied when I said that he's having his appendix taken out.
Phoebe: You think I would've understood that. At least that explains why he was puking his guts out last night and why he fell asleep in the bathroom.
Rachel: You mean he didn't feel well last night and you went shopping with me today instead of taking care of Joey?
Phoebe: Well yeah, it's only Joey. I figured he could take care of himself.
Rachel: Don't you know that if you're appendix bursts you could die?
Rachel: Yeah. It's a pretty serious illness.
Phoebe: Oh well, I'm sure he'll be fine. Though that also explains why he didn't wanna have sex this morning. In hindsight I should've know that he was really sick. Joey would never pass up an opportunity to have sex with me.
Rachel: Well thank God you're not married to me.
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Everyone is present)
Phoebe: When can we see Joey?
Ross: The doctor said he's sleeping right now. As soon as he wakes up we can see him.
Phoebe: We might as well come back tomorrow then. Once that boy's asleep there's nothing that can wake him up. Except of course me rubbing my naked body all over him.
Chandler: And once again Phoebe wins the "Too Much Information" game.
Rachel: Ross, can I speak with you for a minute?
Ross: Sure. What's up?
Rachel: Let's go down the hall for a minute. Mon, would you watch Caitlin for a minute?
Monica: Sure. I'd love to.
(Ross and Rachel go down the hall)
Chandler: I wonder what that's all about.
Phoebe: Yeah, Rachel left Caitlin in a dressing room at Bloomingdales this afternoon. We were eating lunch at Pepito's when she realized what she done.
Monica: She didn't?!
Phoebe: But she did.
(cut to Ross and Rachel)
Ross: What's the matter honey?
Rachel: I've something to tell you, but please don't get mad at me.
Ross: Well as long as you don't tell me that you're having an affair with Mark, I see no problem.
Rachel: It's much worse than that.
Ross: You're having an affair with Chandler?!
Rachel: No, it's better than that. I accidentally left Caitlin in a dressing room while Phoebe and I were shopping. As soon as I realized what had happened I went back for her. She was ok, actually she was sleeping and didn't even know that I had left her.
Ross: Yeah, that's much better than you having an affair with Chandler.
Rachel: You're not mad?
Ross: No. At least you didn't pull a Joey and Chandler and leave her on a City bus.
Rachel: I was so nervous to tell you. I mean I lost our child for a half hour.
Ross: Don't worry about it. I'm sure you're not the first mother who's lost her child in a department store.
Rachel: So you're really ok?
Ross: I'm fine. Of course you're not allowed to take Caitlin shopping with you anymore, but other than that I'm fine.
Rachel: You're just kidding around right?
Ross: You'd think that I am but I'm not.
Rachel: Ross! I said it was an accident!
Ross: Would you relax, I'm just messing with ya. Let's go see Joey.
(cut to Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Caitlin)
Monica: Then what happened?
Phoebe: Rachel returned to the dressing room and got Caitlin.
Monica: So nothing happened to her.
Phoebe: No, I'll just have a story to tell Caitlin when she's older.
(Ross and Rachel return)
Chandler: Way to go Rach. At least you didn't leave her on a City bus.
Rachel: Phoebe! I told you not to tell anyone.
Phoebe: No, you said don't tell Ross. Monica and Chandler are not Ross.
(the doctor emerges from Joey's room)
Doctor: Joey's awake. You can all see him now. Please keep it brief, he's still in some discomfort.
Ross: Thanks doctor.
(Everyone goes in to see Joey)
Monica: Hey Joe! How you feeling?
Joey: Like someone stabbed me repeatedly in the chest with a knife. Oh hey Rach, way to go on losing Caitlin in Bloomingdales.
Rachel: How'd you hear about that?
Joey: I heard Phoebe tell the story through the wall.
Rachel: I'm gonna get you for this Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey, don't blame me, I wasn't the one who left her child unattended in a dressing room.
Chandler: Well this has been quite a day. Joey gets his appendix out, Rachel loses Caitlin in a dressing room and I get fired from my job.
All (except Monica): You got fired?
Chandler: Yup, they booted my ass out the door.
Phoebe: Must have been a big boot.
Monica: The important thing is that everyone's fine and healthy.
Phoebe: Thank you Martha Stewart.
Ross: Martha Stewart?
Phoebe: I mean Florence Nightingale. Thank you very much Florence Nightingale. (everyone stares at Phoebe) Ok, I'll leave the cracks to Chandler.
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Everyone but Phoebe and Joey have gone home)
Joey: Yeah Pheebs?
Phoebe: I'm sorry I didn't stay with you this morning.
Joey: Don't worry about it. I thought I had food poisoning or something.
Phoebe: But you could've died if Ross hadn't taken you to the hospital.
Joey: Yeah so?
Phoebe: Well I just feel like I should've been there for you.
Joey: It's ok. You're here now and that's all that matters.
Phoebe: Thanks for understanding.
Joey: Could you do me a favor?
Joey: Could you get a nurse or someone and ask them to change my bedpan? I just went potty and it really stinks.
Phoebe: Is that what that is? I thought Rachel changed Caitlin's diaper and left it in here.
Joey: No, that smell is all Joey.
Phoebe: Huh, it's kinda like being at home after you eat chili for dinner.