Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica and Ross are present)

Monica (to Ross): Exactly why are you here at 6:45 in the morning again?

Ross: I'm hiding from Rachel.

Monica: Why aren't you hiding at Joey's? You know Rachel refuses to go there since Phoebe moved out.

Chandler: What did you do this time?

Ross: I didn't do anything. We're supposed to have breakfast with her Dad today.

Monica: I guess that's a good reason to hide from Rachel.

Ross: So I should hide at Joey's?

Chandler: Yeah, Rachel won't even go in to look for you. She's afraid of the rats.

Ross: Joey has rats?

Chandler: Either that or something very large has been eating holes in his clothes.

Ross: Why doesn't he call an exterminator or something?

Monica: He thinks of them as pets.

Ross: I should totally set him up with Cheryl.

Chandler: Who's Cheryl?

Ross: Don't you remember, she was that totally hot Paleontology Doctorate candidate that I dated about four years ago. Yeah, she was a total slob.

Monica: She was the hot blonde right?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler (to Monica): How come I don't remember her and you do?

Monica: Because I pay attention.

Ross: And?

Monica: And she had a sweet ass.


CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Continued from before)

Chandler: You really thought she had a nice ass?

Monica: Who?

Chandler: Cheryl.

Monica: Yeah, she had a nice ass.

Chandler: Would you be interested in having a threesome?

Monica: What is wrong with you? Of course I wouldn't be interested in a threesome. Who do you think I am? Phoebe?

Chandler: But you just said that Cheryl has a nice ass.

(Rachel and Caitlin enter)

Monica: So? I think Rachel has a nice ass too.

Rachel: Thanks Mon. That's so sweet. Have you guys seen Ross? We're supposed to have breakfast with my Dad in ten minutes and I can't find him anywhere.

Monica: Did you check at Joey's?

Rachel: No way, I'm not going into Joey's apartment. He has rats.

Chandler: At least that's better than having crabs.

Rachel: You would know. Is he really hiding at Joey's?

Monica: I wouldn't put it past him.

Rachel: I'll be right back. Watch Caitlin for me.

Chandler: That's pretty easy, it's not like she's even crawling yet.

JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are present)

Joey: You do know that I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you once I fully wake up right?

Ross: You don't understand Joe, I can't have breakfast with Rachel and her Dad. Her Dad hates my guts.

Joey: Well that makes two of us. (Rachel knocks on the door) Who is it?

Rachel: It's Rachel Joey. Is Ross hiding in your apartment?

Joey: Define hiding.

Rachel: Am I gonna have to kick your ass once I realize that Ross is in there with you?

Ross: I'm leaving. (Ross goes over to the fire escape. The window won't open) Stall her.

Joey: Hold on a minute Rach, I've got to put some clothes on.

(Ross gets the window open and starts to climb out)

Rachel: Are you saying that you and Ross are naked in there?

Joey: Ah no. I'm just, I'm just, I was playing with myself in the bathroom.

Rachel: Yeah right Joe, you don't even know how to do that. I'm coming in. (Rachel enters as Ross hurries down the fire escape) Where is he?

Joey: I told you, he's not here.

Rachel: If I find out he was here, I will kill you.

Joey: In that case, he just climbed down the fire escape. If you hurry up you still might catch him before he gets to the ground.

Rachel: Nice negotiating with you Joey. See ya later.

(Rachel leaves)

THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE APARTMENT BUILDING (Ross is about to climb down, unaware that Rachel's waiting for him)

Ross: Phew, that was close.

Rachel: Not close enough.

Ross: Rach, I was just looking for you!

Rachel (grabbing Ross by the ear): Yeah whatever, let's go, my Dad's waiting for us.

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Monica and Joey are present)

Phoebe: Isn't this the week that you graduate Joe?

Monica: Graduate from what? Acting school?

Joey: Yeah it is. And for your information I'm graduating from high school this week.

Monica: You don't have a high school diploma?

Phoebe: No, do you?

Monica: I was talking to Joey Pheebs. And yes, I have a high school diploma as well as a college degree.

Phoebe: Well excuse me Mrs. Smarty Pants.

Joey: I've been going to night school so I can finally get my high school diploma. All I have to do is pass the GED exam this week.

Monica: Good for you Joe, I'm so proud of you.

Joey: Thanks, I know my parents are proud of me. I'll be the first one in my family to finish high school.

Monica: None of your sisters graduated high school?

Joey: Nah, they all got pregnant by their junior year and dropped out.

Monica: You should go Pheebs.

Phoebe: I was but I got kicked out for cheating.

Monica: What'd you do?

Phoebe: I submitted Ross' thesis, you know the one for his doctorate degree, for an essay assignment.

Monica: And you got caught?

Phoebe: Yeah, the teacher asked me to explain to the class my theory of how the dinosaurs became extinct and I got so flustered I admitted that I cheated so they kicked me out.

Monica: Serves you right.

Phoebe: Oh, it's ok, I got my Law degree instead.

Monica: How'd you do that?

Phoebe: Duh, through the Internet. You can get any degree you want if you pay enough money.

DENNY'S RESTAURANT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Dr. Green are present)

Ross: Thanks for breakfast Dr. Green.

Dr. Green: It's my pleasure Ross.

Rachel: Yeah, next time I'm picking the restaurant.

Dr. Green: What's the matter Rachel? You didn't like your Grand Slam breakfast?

Ross: She's just upset that we didn't eat in a fancy restaurant for breakfast. Ever since she got her new job at Victoria's Secret she's turned into a snob. We had to fly first class to California, we have to eat in 4 star restaurants and God forbid if you don't buy Pampers for Caitlin.

Rachel: I am not a snob!

Dr. Green: Well good for you Rachel, you're finally coming around to the way we Greens do things.

Rachel: What?

Dr. Green: We're only eating here because of Ross. We have to stick to his type of restaurant. He's not sophisticated enough to eat anywhere else.

(Cut to Ross who now wants to kill Dr. Green)

Ross: If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

Dr. Green (noticing that Rachel is very quiet): Are you ok sweetie?

Rachel: Huh? Oh, I'm fine. I'm a snob but I'm fine.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: Aren't you working today?

Chandler: No, my boss gave me the day off.

Phoebe: Wanna go rollerblading?

Chandler: Yeah right, my shoulder's just healed from the last time we went.

Phoebe: Wanna have sex?

Chandler: With you?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Chandler: I can't, I'm not allowed.

Phoebe: I won't tell Monica if you won’t.

Chandler (thinking about it): No, I better not.

Phoebe: Fine, I'll go find Joey. I really need to get laid.

(Phoebe goes to leave)

Chandler: Hey Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Chandler: How come you never asked me that when I was lonely and single?

Phoebe: Because you could've said yes then. Bye.

JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Monica are present)

Joey: Thanks for helping me study Mon, I really need your help.

Monica: Sure, I'd do anything to help a friend in need. What da ya wanna start with?

Joey: Sex Ed.

Monica: Joey, Sex Ed is not on the GED test.

Joey: Damn it, I really thought that I could trick you into sleeping with me this time.

Monica: Joey, if Sex Ed were on the GED, then you'd pass that section easily.

Joey: This is true. Ok, let's start with U.S. History.

Monica: Ok, here's an easy one to get you started. Who was the first President?

Joey: Benjamin Franklin.

Monica: No.

Joey: Abraham Lincoln?

Monica: No you idiot, it was George Washington!

Joey: The one on the dollar bill?

Monica: Yes!

Joey: You'd think I'd know that.

Monica: When's the test?

Joey: Tomorrow.

Monica: Looks like we're pulling an all-nighter.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, and Caitlin are present)

Ross: What's the matter Rach?

Rachel: I'm a snob. I have turned into my mother. Why didn't you stop me?

Ross: I was unaware that you were turning into your mother. Your breasts really haven't started to sag yet. Really, why are you freaking out?

Rachel: Can't you see how much I've changed in the past couple of years? I've gone from being a naïve little spoiled brat to a, to a, to a…..

Ross: A snob?

Rachel: See, even you think I'm a snob.

Ross: I don't think of you as a snob. I think of you as the woman I love.

Rachel: Yeah, whatever. I'm a snob.

(Phoebe and Chandler enter)

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hello children!

Phoebe: Have you guys seen Joey?

Ross: No. Why?

Phoebe: 'Cause I really need to get laid.

Rachel: Phoebe! There's a little one present!

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry Ross. I didn't mean to make a comment like that in front of your small penis. Please forgive me.

Ross: I do not have a small penis! Rachel, tell Phoebe that I don't have a small penis!

Rachel: Phoebe, Ross' penis is adequate.

Phoebe: Suit yourself.

Ross: I'm telling ya it's better than adequate. I'll whip it out right here and show you that I'm not just adequate, I'm above average.

Chandler: I'm tellin' ya man, you need to get an enlargement like me. Best thing I ever did for myself.

Ross: I am happy with my equipment thank you.

Phoebe: I have to go find Joey. I need to get laid really bad.

(A man approaches)

Man (to Phoebe): I couldn't help overhearing your conversation and I think I could assist you where your problem lies.

Phoebe: You know where my friend Joey is?

Man: No, but I could help you get laid.

Phoebe: Sorry, I don't sleep with men I don't know.

Man: Oh, in that case, my name is Christian.

Phoebe: Oh and I don 't sleep with religious types either. Sorry. Nice meeting you though.

(Phoebe leaves)

Rachel: Well that was amusing. Chandler, I need to ask you a question.

Chandler: Ok.

Rachel: Do you think I'm a snob?

Chandler: A snob?

Rachel: You know, a stuck-up bitch who has to have the best of everything.

Chandler: Then no, I don't.

Rachel: What da ya mean then no? You actually thought I could be a snob?

Chandler: Ok, I don't wanna play this game anymore. Let's talk about Ross' small penis.

Ross: I do not have a small penis!

JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Monica are present)

Joey: I'm tired. I wanna eat! I can't do this anymore without eating something!

Monica: No food until you get at least five in a row right.

Joey: You said that two hours ago!

Monica: Hey, it's not my fault that you can't more than two in a row right. Ok, what's 52 times 10?

Joey: I need my calculator.

Monica: They don't allow you a calculator on the test. Now what's 52 times 10?

Joey: I don't know…..ah….it's 520.

Monica: Right.

Joey (excited): That was right?

Monica: Yup. Ready for another one?

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: What's the derivative of x3?

Joey: Wait a minute, you skipped Geometry and went straight to Calculus! I don't know Calculus. I barely know Algebra.

Monica: Hey, I'm just reading the test questions. If it's on the sample test questions, then it can be on your exam tomorrow.

Joey: You have a sample exam?

Monica: Yeah. What, did you think I was making all of these questions up?

Joey: Well yeah.

Monica: What's the answer?

Joey: How the hell am I supposed to know? We didn't even cover Calculus in the prep courses.

Monica: Well guess. If you wanna eat then you're gonna have to guess.

Joey: Fine. The answer's 3x.

Monica: Oh my God, you got it right! How'd you do that?

Joey: You said to guess so I did.

Monica: Ok, that's two down, and three to go. Ready?

Joey: Ready.

Monica: Spell intercourse.

Joey: How about I show you intercourse?

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Ok, ok. I-N-T-E-R-C-O-U-R-S-E, intercourse.

Monica: Right. What is the Fahrenheit equivalent of 0 degrees Celsius?

Joey: 32 degrees.

Monica: Right. Ok, one to go. Who was the first President of the United States?

Joey: That's totally easy. We already covered that. It's Benjamin Franklin.

Monica: You're a complete idiot.

Joey: That's not right?!

Monica: No you moron, it's George Washington! George Washington was the first President of the United States!

Joey: But I wanna eat!

Monica: Fine, you can eat if you get this next question.

Joey: Ok.

Monica: What's the square root of 625?

Joey: What's a square root?

Monica: You didn't cover that in Math?

Joey: That's a mathematical term? I thought it was related to gardening or something.

Monica: Looks like you have to guess again.

Joey: You're not gonna give me a hint?

Monica: No.

Joey: Then my guess is 25.

Monica: I don't believe it. You're right!

Joey: Great, now we can eat.

Monica: Why is it that every time you guess you get it right?

Joey: Luck is my friend. (pause) And it also helps to have memorized the answers for every question in that book.

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present. Caitlin has been put to bed)

Ross: So do you still think you're a snob?

Rachel: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. I'm the biggest snob in the Village.

Ross: That's quite a title you've given yourself. So how long are you planning to be a snob?

Rachel: I guess for the rest of my life.

Ross: Oh boy. I knew this was gonna happen.

Rachel: What was gonna happen?

Ross: Do you remember when you first came to the City? You were a spoiled brat who had just left her fiancé at the altar. Then you started to hang out with us and slowly you started to change. You cared about everyone and looked out for everyone's interests. But then you got the big job with big time money and now you have to have the best of everything.

Rachel: Ok, do you have a point?

Ross: The point is that if you think you're a snob, then you are a snob. Look, we'll ask everyone tomorrow when we meet at Central Perk. If your friends think you're a snob, then I guess you're a snob.

Rachel: What do you think?

Ross: Why does matter what I think? I'm gonna love you either way.

Rachel: You think I'm a snob don't you?

Ross: A little.

Rachel: Well you're a jerk sometimes too.

Ross: That I already knew. Goodnight Rach. I love you.

Rachel: Yeah whatever. Oh, and we're having breakfast with my Mother tomorrow morning. Should I pick you up at Joey's around 8?

JOEY'S APARTMENT (The next morning around 7:50. Joey and Rachel are present)

Joey: He just climbed down the fire escape. If you hurry up you still might catch him before he gets to the ground.

Rachel: Thanks Joey. Good luck on your test today.

(Rachel leaves)

THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE APARTMENT BUILDING (Ross is about to climb down, unaware that Rachel's waiting for him)

Ross: I think I beat that wench this time.

Rachel: Who are you calling a wench?

Ross: Rach, I was just looking for you!

Rachel (grabbing Ross by the ear): Yeah whatever, let's go, my Mom's waiting for us.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)

Ross: Ok, even though Joey's not here, Rachel needs help with something.

Chandler: Sorry man, I'm married, but maybe Gunther could help.

Ross: Very funny. Rachel, why don't you present your problem?

Rachel: I need to know whether I'm a snob or not?

Monica: That's easy, you're a snob.

Rachel: Hey! I thought we were best friends!

Monica: Honey, it's ok, I'm a snob too.

Chandler: You got that right.

Phoebe: Yeah Rach, you and Mon are total snobs. You guys are nothing like me.

Chandler: That's true too.

Ross: See honey, you got your answer. You're a snob.

Rachel: I guess. Are you sure you're a snob too Monica?

Monica: Yeah, but we're a different kind of snob. Unlike your old friends from high school and college, we actually care about the people around us. We also just happen to like the best things. You know, we'd never buy generic when we know that the original brand is better. Would you eat generic ice cream when Dreyer's Ice Cream is available? I think not.

Chandler: Ok, now I'm hungry.

Rachel: Wow, what a relief. Here I was all bent out of shape about being a snob, and then I find out of my closest friends is a snob too!

Phoebe: Anyway….Is it hot in here?

Monica: No, it's actually kinda cold.

Chandler: That would explain why your nipples are at attention.

Phoebe: Must be those estrogen supplements that I've been taking.

Rachel: Why are you taking estrogen supplements? You don't need that yet do you?

Phoebe: They were my grandmother's pills. I found some a couple of days ago so I thought I'd take a few. They're really messing me up.

Ross: That's probably because you don't need them.

Phoebe: Well I was hoping to take the edge off.

Ross: The edge of what?

Chandler: Couldn't find Joey last night Pheebs?

Phoebe: No. It looks like he's my only hope to get laid today.

Monica: You better hope he passes his GED exam today then. If he doesn't pass, he's not gonna be in the mood for sex.

Rachel: I highly doubt that, this is Joey that we're talking about.

Monica: Anyway, Joey should be showing up here in any minute.

(Joey enters. He doesn't look happy)

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Oh no, you didn't pass!

Joey: I don't know. I haven't opened the envelope yet.

Rachel: Well open it!

Joey: I can't, I'm scared.

Chandler: Dude, I thought you were only afraid of your mother when her mustache is grown out?

Ross: That would scare me.

Phoebe: Come on Joe. Open it! Then you and I can go have sex.

Joey: I'm not in the mood for sex Pheebs. I was up all night studying with Monica.

Phoebe: That's ok Joey, you can just lie there.

Chandler: You told me you went to your parents!

Monica: I lied. Sorry. I just didn't want you looking for me at Joey's when we went over the Sex Ed portion of the exam.

Chandler: You, you, you…..

Monica: No, we didn't have sex. I'm a married woman.

Joey: And besides Sex Ed isn't even on the exam.

Ross: Open the envelope Joe.

Joey: Here goes nothing. (Joey looks at and turns to leave)

Monica: Oh Joey honey, it's gonna be ok.

Chandler: Yeah man, we'll all help you study for the next exam.

Joey (turning around): I got a 70%! I passed!

Monica: We did it! (everyone looks at Monica) I mean you did it!

Rachel: I'm so proud of you Joey! Congratulations.

Ross: Way to go man! When's the graduation ceremony?

Joey: Tonight at 8.

Chandler: So how does it feel to be one more step away from being totally stupid?

Joey: You know, you'd think I'd feel smarter, but I really don't.

Chandler: Welcome to my life.


OUTSIDE OF JOEY'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is trying to get Joey to open the door)

Phoebe: Joey! Joey sweetie, let me in! I've got a surprise for you!

Joey: Go away Phoebe. I'm trying to sleep.

Phoebe: I'm standing out here naked. Please open the door before someone comes and sees me.

Joey (opening the door): You're not naked!

Phoebe: Give me twenty seconds and I'll be ready to rock your world.

Joey: You won't mind if I fall asleep while you're doing your business will you?

Phoebe: I don't care what you do, I just need to get laid.

Joey: This doesn't mean we're back together does it?

Phoebe: No. We've been down that road. This is just a friend helping another friend out. You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours.

Joey: From the look of things, it looks like I'll be doing more than just scratching your back.

Phoebe: I've got a joke for you.

Joey: Ok.

Phoebe: Why do men like to watch themselves having sex in the mirror?

Joey: I dunno.

Phoebe: Because objects in the mirror maybe larger than they appear.