Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Chandler and Monica are present)

Ross: I still can't believe Joey filed for divorce from Phoebe.

Chandler: It's not like their marriage was real or anything. I mean, Joey married Phoebe just to punish her for stealing Hugsy.

Monica: I agree with you on that point, but I don't think Joey counted on Phoebe falling in love with him.

Ross: She was really in love with him?

Monica: Yeah. She was really happy.

Chandler: And Joey doesn't know this?

Monica: Does a bear sh&t in the woods?

Ross: If he does, does he use teepee?


CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

Ross: Don't you think someone should tell Joey that Phoebe loves him before he follows through with this?

Monica: Rachel was going to talk to Joey today.

Chandler: How's Phoebe?

Monica: Not good. She hasn't come out of her apartment all week.

Chandler: What's she been doing all week?

Monica: I don't know, she won't answer the phone or the door.

Ross: Are you sure she's even still alive?

Monica: Yeah, Joey said he keeps getting crank phone calls from her.

Ross: How does he know that it's her?

Monica: He has caller ID. It's kind of funny, apparently when the call comes through the caller ID says 555-0666.

Ross: Why is that funny?

Monica: 'Cause the last three digits in Phoebe's phone number are "666".

Chandler: So?

Monica: So, that's the sign of the devil. The sign of the Antichrist.

Chandler: Diabolical.

(Ross gets up to leave)

Monica: Where are you going?

Ross: To church.

Monica: We're Jewish Ross, we don't go to Church, we go to the synagogue.

Ross: If Phoebe really is the Antichrist, I figured now was a good time to convert to Christianity.

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe has moved back in. Phoebe is lying on the couch. Rachel approaches her door in the hallway and knocks)

Phoebe: Go away Rach, I don't feel like seeing anyone.

Rachel (to herself): How'd she know it was me?

Phoebe: 'Cause I'm psychic.

Rachel: Open the door Phoebe, we're all really worried about you.

Phoebe: I'm fine. Now leave me alone.

(Rachel takes her key chain out and opens the door)

Rachel: I thought I'd just let myself in.

Phoebe: Where'd you get a key?

Rachel: You gave me a key when I had that fight with Ross before we got married. You said I could stay here if I wanted to.

Phoebe: Well give me the key back and get the hell out of my apartment.

Rachel: I'm not leaving Phoebe. I'm not leaving until you talk this thing out with me.

Phoebe: There's nothing to talk about. Joey wants a divorce, I can't do anything to change his mind about that.

Rachel: Have you ever told Joey that you're in love with him?

Phoebe: I'm not in love with Joey.

Rachel: Then why in the hell have you been hiding out in your apartment all week?

Phoebe (breaking out in tears): Because I'm in love with an untalented, Italian salami packing actor who doesn't love me!

JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Adriana are present)

Adriana: Well I think you've settled my bill satisfactorily.

Joey: Are you sure you don't want to bill me for overtime?

Adriana (kissing Joey): I'd love to but I have to be in court in forty-five minutes.

Joey: You play basketball too?

Adriana: No, court as in the court of law.

Joey (embarrassed): I knew that. I was just seeing if you want to shoot baskets when you're done.

Adriana: I prefer golf. That way I always get my hole-in-one.

Joey: Ok, I know that's supposed to be dirty but I don't get it.

Adriana: Think about it, I'll see you later Joey.

(Adriana leaves. Chandler enters)

Chandler: Who was that?

Joey: That's Adriana, my attorney.

Chandler: She's, she's, she's, my God that woman has a rack on her.

Joey: She's not a piece of meat Chandler.

Chandler: I'm sorry, she's drop dead gorgeous.

Joey: She's got a really nice ass too.

Chandler: I thought she wasn't a piece of meat?

Joey: She isn't. When you said rack I thought you were talking about spare ribs.

Chandler: I see you've gotten over Phoebe.

Joey: I haven't gotten over Phoebe. I'm still in mourning.

Chandler: Why are you in mourning? You're the one who dropped Phoebe like a bag of moldy bread.

Joey: I didn't wanna file for a divorce from Phoebe but I figured I had to let her go at some point. I mean she was only serving two years for stealing Hugsy. She'd been so good, I figured I'd just let her off the hook now. And besides, have you seen the ass on Adriana?

Chandler: Yes Joey, she has a nice ass. Let me ask you this though, do you love Phoebe?

Joey: Of course I love Phoebe, she's like my best girl friend.

Chandler: Ok, do you romantically love Phoebe?

Joey: What does that mean?

Chandler: Do you love Phoebe enough to stay married to her?

Joey: No, that's why I'm divorcing her. I don't know what real love is.

Chandler: Well you'd better figure it out quick 'cause you're gonna lose one of the closest friends you ever had.

Joey: You're moving?

Chandler: Not me you idiot, Phoebe.

Joey: Phoebe's moving?

Chandler: You're so incredibly stupid. I'll see you later. (Chandler leaves)

Joey (calling after Chandler): I know I'm stupid! You don't have to rub it in! What did you mean Chandler? (no response) Chandler?

CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Ross are present)

Monica: You know what we haven't done together in a long time?

Ross: What?

Monica: We haven't gone bowling.

Ross: We haven't gone to bowling together since you were sixteen.

Monica: Why was that again?

Ross: Because we could never find a ball with holes big enough to hold your fat fingers.

Monica: Let's go bowling.

Ross: Why don't we just go to a movie instead?

Monica: But I wanna go bowling!

Ross: Monica, you suck at bowling.

Monica: As I recall I beat your skinny ass when I was sixteen.

Ross: That's because I was distracted by Rachel. If it wasn't for you inviting Rachel everywhere we went I would have kicked your ass.

Monica: Well Rachel isn't here now to distract you. I'll bet you $200 that I kick your ass in bowling. I'll even pay for the both of us. The highest score over three games win.

Ross: You're on fatty cake.

Monica: What did Mom say about calling me that?

Ross: I don't see Mom here to protect you fatty cake. Why don't we stop by the grocery store and get you some Kit Kats so you won't go hungry while I'm kicking your ass?

(Monica and Ross get up from the couch)

Monica: You know I'm not allowed to eat those anymore.

Ross: But I know that fat ass inside of you wants one, maybe even three.

Monica (covering her ears): Stop! Stop it!

Ross: Kit Kats! Kit Kats! Does fatty cake want some Kit Kats?

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Rachel and Phoebe are present)

Rachel: Pheebs, you have to tell Joey how you feel.

Phoebe: It's obvious he doesn't feel the same way or he wouldn't have filed for divorce so quickly.

Rachel: He filed for divorce because he doesn't know that you love him in that "I wanna stayed married way". He's only filing for divorce to free you from your Hugsy sentence.

Phoebe: Well he sure likes to have sex with me. (pause) Then again, who wouldn't want to have sex with me over and over again?

Rachel (laughing): At least you haven't lost your sense of humor.

Phoebe: I'm not joking around. Do you know a man that wouldn't want to have sex with me? I hate to brag, but I'm absolutely fabulous in bed.

Rachel: Ok. But if Joey doesn't know that you really do love him, then he's gonna continue with the divorce proceedings.

Phoebe: Is he really divorcing me just to free me from my sentence?

Rachel: That's what Monica told me before I came over here.

Phoebe: I guess I could talk to Joey.

Rachel: There you go. I knew you'd come around.

Phoebe: I mean, he's like my best boy friend. I don't wanna lose that. But what if he really doesn't love me the way I love him?

Rachel: Well at least you'll know. Sometimes you just have to go after what you want. That's what I did with Ross when he was with Rebecca.

Phoebe: Joey's already dating someone else?

Rachel: No. I mean I don't know. I'm just saying that I went after Ross when he was with Rebecca because I knew that we were meant to be together.

Phoebe: Yeah, I'm sorry that it turned out bad for you.

Rachel: What are you talking about? It's turned out great.

Phoebe: Yeah, we'll see.

GREENWICH BOWL (Monica and Ross are present)

Monica (getting ready to bowl): Last chance to back out Dinosaur Geek.

Ross: Don't go flying down the lane with ball like you did the last time we bowled together.

Monica: Watch this Dr. Wethead! (Monica bowls a strike) Let's chalk one up for women everywhere.

Ross: At least you're not eating them anymore fatty cake.

Monica: How many times do I have to say that I didn't mean to bite Rachel's finger? I was only trying to eat her hot dog.

Ross: Thank God you don't have your mouth anywhere near my private part.

Monica: Yeah, I don't think that would matter. According to Rachel you don't have that much in that department anyway.

JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is in bed with Adriana)

Adriana: Wow! That was the best!

Joey: I know. It's the only thing I do really well.

Adriana: Can I ask you a question?

Joey: No, it's not patented. At least not yet.

Adriana: No. Though you should patent some of those moves. Do you see us going anywhere?

Joey: Sure, I see us going for pizza in about a half hour.

Adriana: That's not what I meant.

Joey: Oh.

Adriana: Do you see our relationship going anywhere?

Joey: Whoa! We're in a relationship?

Adriana: Ah no. I was just wondering if you thought there could be one.

Joey: Sure, anything's possible. But that's like a 100th date type of discussion.

Adriana (getting out of bed): I've got to get going.

Joey: But I thought we were gonna go to pizza.

Adriana: I just remembered, I just remembered, I just remembered that I have to go. I'll call you ok?

Joey: Alright. At least let me walk you to the door.

Adriana: That'd be nice.

(cut to two minutes later)

Joey: Thanks for coming over.

Adriana: I really like you Joey. You're so sweet. You're not bad in bed either.

Joey: Aw, you're just saying that. I'll talk to you later. (Joey opens the door just as Phoebe was about to knock)

Phoebe: Hey Joe. (sees Adriana) See ya Joe.

Joey: Phoebe wait!

Adriana: That was the missus?

Joey: No, that was my wife.

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel has put Caitlin down for a nap)

Rachel (VO): Thank God, a moment of peace. (There's a knock on the door) Crap, who in hell is it now? (Rachel opens the door. It's Chandler) Why'd you knock? We normally just barge in on you and Monica.

Chandler: Yes, but unlike you, Monica doesn't clean in the nude.

Rachel: You know about that?

Chandler: I do live in the apartment directly across from you.

Rachel: You saw me?!

Chandler: No, you at least close the blinds. All I see of you is a silhouette. Ross on the other hand always forgets to close the blinds. If I see him naked one more time I'm gonna jam sharp objects into my eyes so I go blind.

Rachel: What brings you to the Geller household?

Chandler: Joey and Phoebe.

Rachel: Did you speak with Joey? I was supposed to speak with him later today.

Chandler: I know. I was just hoping to knock some sense into him.

Rachel: Did it work?

Chandler: Does a bear sh&t on a toilet?

Rachel: What's his problem? He has no idea that Phoebe really liked being married to him.

Chandler: I know. I tried to tell him that but he didn't understand me.

Rachel: Did you tell him in English?

Chandler: I could've told him in Hebrew and he would've understood as much as he understood what I told him.

Rachel: What'd you tell him?

Chandler: I asked him if he loved Phoebe and he said yes.

Rachel: Well that's a start.

Chandler: Yeah, but then I asked if he loved Phoebe in a romantic way and he didn't understand the question. There's a bigger problem though.

Rachel: What's that?

Chandler: He's screwing his attorney.

Rachel: The same one that prepared his divorce papers?

Chandler: I think so.

Rachel: Maybe he just…..nah, he wouldn't do that.

Chandler: Do what?

Rachel: Joey never has any money. I was thinking that maybe he's paying his attorney by sleeping with her.

Chandler: Wouldn't be the first time.

Rachel: What?!

Chandler: He used to sleep with the pizza delivery girl all the time until the pizza place found out what was going on.

GREENWICH BOWL (Monica and Ross are present)

Monica: Ha! After one game it's Monica 126 and Ross 114.

Ross: Don't worry, I've got you right where I want you. (Ross takes out a Kit Kat)

Monica: What's that?

Ross: What's what?

Monica: Is that a Kit Kat?

Ross: Maybe.

Monica: Can I have a little piece of it?

Ross: No. You know that you're not allowed to eat Kit Kats.

Monica: Just a little bite.

Ross: No. It's your turn. Go.

Monica: Please, just a little bite.

Ross: Here you go.

Monica: Thanks. (Monica goes to bowl and rolls a gutter ball) Damn it!

Ross (VO): And the big brother has brought out his little sister's kryptonite.

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel and Chandler are present)

Rachel: Do you have any idea where Ross is? I haven't seen him since this morning.

Chandler: Last I saw him he was with Monica at Central Perk. Maybe they went to do something together.

Rachel: You honestly think Monica and Ross can spend a day together without killing one another?

Chandler: Well if they do simultaneously kill one another, wanna get married?

Rachel: No offense Chandler, but I'd never stoop that low.

Chandler: You're not much of a catch either missy.

Rachel: Please, you'd sleep with me in an instant.

Chandler: Well I am a man after all.

Rachel: Let's say that you're a male, calling yourself a man is stretching the truth a little don't you think?

(Joey enters)

Chandler (to Rachel): Has he ever walked in on you when you're naked?

Joey: No, but one of these days she's gonna be naked and I'm gonna see everything.

Rachel: And then he will be shot before he gets a chance to flee the apartment.

Joey: Have you guys seen Phoebe?

Chandler: I see you finally understood what I was saying.

Joey: No, she came over as I was saying goodbye to Adriana. She turned around and left and I think she was upset.

Rachel: You're sleeping with your attorney?

Joey: Doesn't everyone?

Rachel: You are so stupid.

Joey: Why do people keep telling me that?

Chandler: 'Cause you're about to let the most important person in your life walk right out of it.

GREENWICH BOWL (Monica and Ross are present)

Ross: Ha! Looks like we're even going into the final game. Let's see, I bowled a 166 in game 2 and you had a 144. You're twelve point lead vanished faster than the last Kit Kat bar that you stole from me.

Monica: You saw that?

Ross: No, but you've got chocolate all over your face. It's my honor to the start the third and final match. Watch how it's done fatty cake. (Ross rolls a strike) One down and eleven to go.

Monica: Please, if you bowl a perfect game then I'll clean your apartment for a year.

Ross: On top of the $200?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: I'll take that bet. You're up fatty cake.

Monica: Stop calling me that! I'm not fat anymore, I'm thin.

Ross: More like anorexic.

(Monica rolls a strike too)

Monica: What you can do I can do too.

Ross: That's not true, you can't pee standing up.

ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel, Chandler and Joey are present)

Rachel: Joey before I say what I'm gonna say, know that I love you and think of you as my close friend.

Joey: Ok.

Rachel: You're dumber than Caitlin.

Joey: Yeah, so?

Chandler: Joey, Caitlin's two months old, she doesn't know how to do anything but sleep, eat and go to the bathroom in her diaper.

Joey: So you're saying I'm dumb. That's not any new revelation.

Rachel: Did you know that Phoebe's in love with you?

Joey: Yeah, I know. I love her too.

Chandler: Do you romantically love her?

Joey: Why do you keep asking me that? You know that I don't understand the question.

Rachel: Do you love Phoebe in a way that would want you to stay married to her?

Joey: What way is that?

Rachel: The way that I love Ross and he loves me. The way Chandler loves Monica and Monica loves Chandler. It's a feeling that you want to be with the other person no matter what happens in your relationship with them.

Joey: Oh! I get it now. I totally feel that way about Phoebe! That's what love is?

Chandler: Yes! (to Rachel) I think the light bulb went off in his head.

Joey: I can't believe this. I'm totally in love with Phoebe. I've really screwed up haven't I?

Rachel: I dunno. You've definitely dug yourself a deep hole though.

Joey: What does that mean?

Chandler: What Rach is trying to say is that you've hurt Pheebs pretty bad and you better go fix it before she decides that she doesn't want you back.

Joey: Gotcha. Do you have any food? I'm starving.

Rachel: What's more important to you Joey? Food or losing Phoebe?

Joey: Right. Phoebe! I have to find Phoebe! (pause) Are you sure you don't have anything I can take with me?

Rachel: Get out! Go find Phoebe!

Joey (at the door): You really don't have any food?

Chandler (shutting the door on Joey): Bye Joe. (to Rachel) Do you think it's too late?

Rachel: I hope not. It's bad enough that you guys went through Ross and I's breakup.

Chandler: You don't think their breakup would be nasty do you?

Rachel: Well it definitely wouldn't be normal.

GREENWICH BOWL (Monica and Ross are present)

Ross: This is unbelievable! Nine strikes in a row for both of us. Who will crack in the tenth and final frame?

Monica: Nervous?

Ross: No, do you want another Kit Kat?

Monica: You don't have any left. I ate the last one.

Ross: I bought six Kit Kats and had one. You're telling me that you ate the other five?

Monica: Don't tell Mom, but the baby needed chocolate. And I promise I won't eat any more ever again.

Ross: Yeah, that's what you said about the girl scout cookies when you were 10. Who's up?

Monica: You are.

Ross: You realize that you're gonna be cleaning my house for the next year.

Monica: House?

Ross: Yeah. Rachel and I are moving.

Monica: You are?

Ross: Yup. They accepted our offer on the house in Scarsdale. All we have to do is get our home loan and we're in.

Monica: When are you guys moving?

Ross: In 45 days if every goes right.

Monica: This is unbelievable! You guys are gonna be homeowners.

(Ross bowls and gets another strike)

Ross: Ha! Ten down and two to go. I feel a perfect game coming on.

Monica: Let's just see if I can duplicate that feat.

(Monica bowls and she gets another strike)

Ross: I can't believe this. We're on fire!

Passer By (who's look up at their scorecard on the overhead screen): Look, these two are on the verge of perfect games.

(A crowd gathers 'round)

Monica: Look, everyone's stopped to watch me dash your hopes of ever succeeding in life.

Ross: Yeah, we'll see about that. (Ross bowls and gets another strike) Your turn fatty cake.

Monica: Let me show you how it's done. (Monica bowls and after first leaves on pin standing, then that pin falls) Thank God!

Ross: You are so lucky. I can't believe how lucky you are.

Monica (walking in front of Ross): Bowl you big fruit.

Ross: What are you doing?! You don't walk in front of someone who's bowled eleven strikes in a row!

Monica: Quit crying you big baby and bowl.

(Ross bowls and only knocks down nine pins)

Ross: F$ck! You f%cked it up for me!

Monica: Well I guess I don't have to clean your house after all.

Ross: Maybe, but you're still forking over $200 after you miss this shot.

Monica: Think again. (Monica bowls and the camera goes into slow motion. The bowling ball hits the pins. She knocks all of the down except the two corner pins. Monica looks on, praying that they'll fall over but they don't. She loses to Ross by one pin) No! Fall you bastards, fall!

Ross: I won! I won! I won! You suck and I won! Those two pins are spread wide apart just like the way your legs were when you were in college!

Monica: That was low!

Ross: Don't play the game if you can't take the insults. Pay up, you owe me $200.

Monica: I only have a $20.

Ross: That's ok, there's an ATM right over there.

Monica: God I wish you were Chandler right now.

Ross: Why's that?

Monica: 'Cause then I could take off my clothes and make him forget that I owe him money.

Ross: Yeah, you and I could only do that in Alabama. Go get me my money.

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe is present. Joey walks in)

Joey: Hey Pheebs.

Phoebe: Joey.

Joey: I didn’t know.

Phoebe: You didn't know what?

Joey: I didn't know that you're in love with me.

Phoebe: Well you don't have to worry about it anymore. I'm not in love with you.

Joey: But I wanna stay married to you. I love you Phoebe.

Phoebe: Is that why you were screwing your attorney?

Joey: How'd you know that that was my attorney?

Phoebe: Yeah, you don't know me at all.

Joey: Right, you're a physicist.

Phoebe: A psychic you moron.

Joey: Can we stay married?

Phoebe: No, I don't think so.

Joey: Why not?

Phoebe: Because I've already signed the papers.

Joey: We could tear them up.

Phoebe: It's too late Joey. You wanted a divorce and that's what you're gonna get. I'll see you later. (Phoebe gets up to leave)

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah Joey?

Joey: Are we at least friends?

Phoebe: I don't know Joey. I thought you were my best friend. But best friends who marry each other don't go filing for a divorce without at least talking to their wife about it first. I'll see you around.

(Phoebe leaves)

Joey (to himself): Why do I feel like someone just placed a two ton weight on my chest?


ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Rachel and Chandler are present)

Rachel: Ross better show up soon or I'm gonna kick his ass.

Chandler: See, I don't understand that. I love when Monica goes out and does her own thing. It allows me to do whatever I want.

Rachel: Yeah, you've had a big day. You've been here all afternoon.

(Ross and Monica enter)

Ross: Hey.

Monica: Hi honey.

Rachel: Where have you two been?

Ross: We went bowling.

Rachel: They finally had a ball that Monica could fit her fingers into?

Monica: Hey, I'm not 200 pounds anymore.

Ross: No, just $200 poorer.

Chandler: You lost $200 to Ross?!

Monica: Technically yes.

Chandler: Technically?

Monica: Well I lost the bet, but I paid him with money from your checking account.