Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Monica, Chandler and Caitlin are present. Caitlin is crying and Monica's in labor)

Chandler: Caitlin's crying.

Monica: I'm aware of that.

Chandler: I think she needs something.

Monica: I'm kinda busy right now. Handle it yourself.

Chandler: Ok. (pause) What do I do?

Monica: See if she's soiled her diaper. If not, give her a bottle.

Chandler: Her diaper smells fine. Ah, we didn't bring her bottle. Maybe she can breast feed with you.

Monica: You didn't bring her bottle?! Are you stupid?

Chandler: Well excuse me for forgetting to bring her bottle! I was busy trying to get your fat ass to the hospital!

Monica: Don't start with me! Figure it out! (Notices Chandler is lifting up his shirt) What are you doing?

Chandler: I figured that I could breast feed her.

Monica: You're a guy! Guys can't breast feed babies!

Chandler: So you're saying you can do it?

Monica: No! Go see a nurse! I'm sure a nurse will be able to help you!

Chandler: Are you gonna be alright?

Monica: Just go! You're driving me crazy!

Chandler: At least some things never change.


MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel have arrived to pick up Caitlin)

Ross: Monica?

Rachel: It doesn't look like they're here.

Ross: Maybe they just went out or something.

Rachel (noticing a note on the table): They left a note. (pause) Oh my God!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Monica went into labor! They went to the hospital to have their baby!

Ross: But she's not due for another month.

Rachel: I know, but she's having the baby now!

Ross: Then why am I standing here talking to you?

CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Jenna are present)

Joey: I told you that your parents would like me.

Jenna: I think my Mom has a crush on you.

Joey: Of course, all women have a crush on Joey Tribbiani.

Jenna: You're really full of yourself aren't you?

Joey: Full of what? (Jenna just looks at Joey)

Jenna: Can I meet your parents?

Joey: I don't think so.

Jenna: Why not?

Joey: That's a "after we're married" type of thing.

Jenna: It is not!

Joey: It is in my book.

Jenna: You're taking me to meet your parents.

Joey: No, no I'm not.

(Ross and Rachel rush in)

Ross: Hey Joe, Jenna.

Joey: What are you in a rush for?

Rachel: Monica's having her baby!

Joey: Cool! (to Jenna) Too bad about that "meeting the parents" thing.

Jenna: You're not getting out of this.

Joey: Watch me. (to Ross and Rachel) Let's go the hospital! (pause) How was court?

Rachel: Carol's a bitch.

Joey: She's a lesbian and a bitch? How cool is that?

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Mitch and Phoebe are fooling around on the couch)

Phoebe: Do you need my help with my bra?

Mitch: No, no, I think I've got it.

Phoebe: Yeah, let me help you.

Mitch: No, really, I've got it.

Phoebe: No you don't, the clip is in the front. (Phoebe's phone rings. Mitch continues to undress Phoebe) Hello? (pause) Hey Rach! Not much, just fooling around. (pause) Really? Ok, we'll be right there. Oh, how was court? (pause) Yeah, ex-lesbians can be real bitchy. See ya soon. (Phoebe hangs up the phone) You've got to stop. Yeah right there, ok, you really need to stop.

Mitch (peering up from between Phoebe's legs): Am I doing it wrong?

Phoebe: No. My friend Monica's having her baby. We've got to get to the hospital.

Mitch: Can't we be ten minutes late?

Phoebe: No. Oh, and if you can only last ten minutes, you've got a lot to improve on.

MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Chandler is returning to Monica's room with Caitlin who is drinking her bottle. Chandler enters the room to find Monica holding their son)

Chandler: Hey Mon, how are you….Who in the hell is that?

Monica: It's our son!

Chandler: How long was I gone?

Monica: About 30 minutes.

Chandler: You're, you're done?

Monica: Yeah. I pushed three times and the baby was here. It didn't really hurt all that much.

Chandler: How is that possible? I mean, I was only gone for 30 minutes. Why didn't you hold him in until I got back?

Monica: He was on an express train to the world.

Chandler: How, how did you dilate so fast? It, it took Rachel 18 hours to have Caitlin and, (looking at his watch) and it only took you 30 minutes.

Monica: Actually it only took about 25 minutes. I've been sitting here with our baby for about five minutes. Oh, and Dr. Kaczmarek said that I must've gone into labor hours before you brought me here.

Chandler: But your water never broke.

Monica: I guess it doesn't have to. Who cares? The baby's here. Isn't he cute?

Chandler: He looks pretty gross, he's all wrinkly.

(Dr. Kacmarek enters)

Dr. Kaczmarek: How's my track star?

Monica: Pretty good. How's the baby? Did the tests come out alright?

Chandler: Tests?

Dr. Kaczmarek: Since Monica delivered early we had to run some precautionary tests, but everything is fine. Your baby boy is perfectly fine and healthy.

Chandler: Did you happen to tape the birth?

Dr. Kaczmarek: No. That's usually the Dad's job.

Chandler: I always miss everything!

(Ross, Rachel, Joey, Jenna, Phoebe and Mitch enter)

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: My God! You're done already?

Monica: Yup. The baby shot out like a cannonball.

Chandler: And thanks to Caitlin I missed the birth of my child!

Ross: Thanks for watching her by the way.

Chandler: How was court?

Rachel: Carol's a bitch.

Chandler: That good?

Joey: So what's the kid's name?

Monica: We haven't decided.

Chandler: I thought we were naming the baby Lucifer?

(Everyone but Joey laughs)

Joey: What's so funny? I like that name.

Chandler: Seriously though, I though we agreed on Michael?

Monica: That's still a possibility. But a couple of months ago we had decided on Ryan, remember?

Chandler: Ryan's good.

Phoebe: My ex-boyfriend the stripper was named Ryan.

Monica: Yeah, Michael's the boy's name.

Rachel: Well Ross and I would love to stay but we have to be in court first thing in the morning.

Ross: Yeah, and thanks again for watching Caitlin. Oh, Mom and Dad are on the way Mon.

Monica: Great. I can finally get Mom off my back.

Jenna: Did you call your folks Chandler?

Chandler: No. Not yet.

Jenna: Don't you think you should?

Chandler: Not really. My Mom's probably with some playboy in Rome and my father's probably making out with the piano man.

Phoebe (to Mitch): And you think my family's screwed up.

UNITED STATES SUPERIOR COURT - NEW YORK CITY (Ross, Rachel, Susan, Ben, Carol and Ryan are present. As well as their respective lawyers)

Harris: How are you guys this morning?

Rachel: Ok.

Ross: I didn't get much sleep.

Harris: Well let's go get 'em.

Ross: Harris?

Harris: Yes Ross?

Ross: Remember to go easy on Ben when you ask him questions.

Harris: I will, I promise.

Bailiff: All rise, the Honorable Kerry Scott is presiding.

Judge Kerry: Good morning everyone. Before I proceed, I would like to know if the parties have decided to settle this matter?

Harris: No your honor.

Richard: No your honor, we wish to proceed.

Judge Kerry: Very well. If Ben would come up here again, we'll get started.

Carol (to Ben): Just remember everything I told you.

Ben: Yes Mom.

(Ben sits down to testify)

Harris: Hi Ben, my name is Harry. I'm gonna ask you a few questions, ok?

Ben: Ok.

Harris: How old are you?

Ben: I'm 8.

Harris: Do you think you're old enough to choose who you want to live with?

Ben: I guess.

Harris: Who do you want to live with Ben? (Ben looks at Carol, and then at Ross and Rachel) Are you ok Ben?

Ben: Yeah.

Harris: Who do you want to live with?

Ben: My Mommy told me to say that I want to live with her.

(Ross and Rachel shoot Carol a look. Carol puts her head in her hands)

Harris: When did your Mommy tell you to say that?

Ben: This morning. She said that if I said I wanted to live with her that she'd buy me a new bike.

Harris: Who do you really want to live with Ben?

Ben: Daddy and Mommy Rachel.

Harris: Why?

Ben: I don't want to leave my school friends and I think Mommy Rachel is a lot of fun. Daddy's fun too.

Harris: Nothing further your honor.

Richard: That's our side your honor. Counselor Bush may present their side if they so desire.

Carol (to Ryan): I'm gonna lose my son!

Ryan: Then settle.

Carol: No, Dick will rip apart Ross. Just watch.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Jenna, Phoebe and Mitch are present)

Phoebe: What are you guys doing today?

Jenna: Joey's taking me to meet his parents.

Joey: I am not!

Phoebe: You'll love them. They're an absolute riot.

Joey: I'm not taking you to my parents.

Jenna: Why not?

Phoebe: Yeah, what's the big deal Joey?

Joey: They don't know that I got a divorce.

Jenna: You, you were married?

Phoebe: Twice.

Jenna: Twice?

Mitch: To who?

Phoebe: The first time to me.

Mitch: You two were married?!

Phoebe: Yeah, but only because I kidnapped his stuffed penguin Hugsy. I had to be married to Joey for a year, but he cut my time short for good behavior.

Jenna: Who else were you married to?!

Joey: Ashley.

Jenna: For how long?

Joey: Two days.

Jenna: Two days?!

Joey: Yeah.

Jenna: How long did you date her?

Joey: One night.

Mitch: Excuse me?

Phoebe: Yeah Joe, tell her the real reason why you married her.

Joey: Shut up Phoebe!

Jenna: Why, why did you marry her?

Joey: So we could have sex.

Jenna: I can't believe this! You married someone just so you could have sex with her?!

Joey: Shush! I don't think Gunther heard you in the back.

Gunther: Yes I did.

Joey: Look, it doesn't matter, I'm in love with you and I'm gonna do everything right in this relationship.

Jenna: I'll see you later. I need to be alone.

(Jenna leaves)

Phoebe: Maybe it wasn't a good idea to bring up the marriages.

Joey: You think?

UNITED STATES SUPERIOR COURT - NEW YORK CITY (Ross, Rachel, Susan, Ben, Carol and Ryan are present. As well as their respective lawyers)

Judge Kerry: Counselor Bush, who would you like to call to testify first?

Harris: Mrs. Rachel Geller.

Judge Kerry: Mrs. Geller, if you would join us up here, that'd be great.

(Rachel is sworn in and sits down)

Harris: How long have you been married to Mr. Geller?

Rachel: For 21 months.

Harris: How long have you known Ben Geller?

Rachel: Since he was born. I had been friends with Mr. Geller since childhood.

Harris: Do you love Ben?

Rachel: Yes. Even though I'm only his stepmother, I think of him as my oldest child.

Harris: Will you be able to raise Ben even though you have your baby daughter Caitlin to raise as well?

Rachel: Yes.

Harris: Nothing further your honor.

Judge Kerry: Counselor Head?

Richard: Thank you your honor. Mrs. Geller, have you ever abandoned your baby daughter Caitlin?

Rachel: No.

Richard: I see. Didn't you leave your baby daughter Caitlin in a dressing room at Bloomingdale's shortly after her birth?

Rachel: Yes but….

Richard: Thank you Mrs. Geller. You've answered my question. One other thing, does your job require travel?

Rachel: Yes it does.

Richard: How often do you travel a month?

Rachel: Once a month on average.

Richard: And who takes care of Caitlin when you're gone?

Rachel: My husband.

Richard: One more question - Has your husband ever cheated on you, either while you were dating or as a married couple?

Rachel: No.

Richard: He didn't sleep with a Ms. Chloe Adams while you two were dating?

Rachel: He did but we were on a break at that time so technically he didn't cheat on me.

Ross (to Harris): She finally admitted that we were on a break!

Richard: And you didn't catch him kissing a naked Ms. Rebecca Strong in your bedroom when you were living together?

Rachel: Yes, yes I did. But….

Richard: Nothing further your honor.

Ross (to Harris): That didn't make me look so good.

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Mitch are present)

Phoebe: Poor Joey, I hope he can straighten things out with Jenna. He really seems to like her.

Mitch: You're worried about Joey? You should be worried about me!

Phoebe: Why? What's wrong with you?

Mitch: Why didn't you tell me that you were married to Joey?

Phoebe: I didn't think it was a big deal.

Mitch: It is a big deal! Joey's one of your good friends!

Phoebe: Yeah, but I'm not in love with him anymore.

Mitch: You, you were in love with him?

Phoebe (quietly): Yeah, at one time.

Mitch: Do you still love him?

Phoebe: Of course I do, but only as a friend. I'm in love with you!

Mitch: You haven't been married to anyone else have you?

Phoebe: So when do I get to meet your parents?

Mitch: You've been married to someone else?!

Phoebe: Ok, ok, I was married to a gay ice dancer for six years.

Mitch: I can't believe this!

Phoebe: Wait a minute, that marriage was just so that he could get a green card. It didn't mean anything.

Mitch: Were you in love with him too?

Phoebe: So when do I get to meet your parents?

Mitch: Answer me Phoebe!

Phoebe: I was in love with him. But on the bright side he insisted that he wanted to play with the other team, so there was no converting him to the heterosexual lifestyle. Believe me, I tried but he wouldn't convert.

Mitch: I'll see you later.

Phoebe: Where're you going?

Mitch: For a walk.

Phoebe: Can I come?

Mitch: I was being polite, I wanna be alone.

Phoebe: Oh. (Mitch leaves) I hope we're still on for dinner.

MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Monica, Chandler, Mr. and Mrs. Geller and baby Michael are present)

Mr. Geller: So what's the child's name again?

Monica: Michael.

Mrs. Geller: I thought you were naming the baby Ryan?

Chandler: We were until we found out that Phoebe dated a male stripper named Ryan.

Monica: So are you happy to have another grandchild Mom?

Mrs. Geller: Of course dear. He's absolutely beautiful. (pause) Your hair on the other hand is an absolute mess. Don't you use a brush anymore?

UNITED STATES SUPERIOR COURT - NEW YORK CITY (Ross, Rachel, Susan, Ben, Carol and Ryan are present. As well as their respective lawyers)

Harris: Your honor, I'd like to call Mr. Ross Geller to the stand.

Judge Kerry: Ok. Mr. Geller, please join us.

(Ross is sworn in and sits down)

Harris: Are you the father of Ben Geller?

Ross: Yes.

Harris: And prior to this custody dispute, did you have a good relationship with your ex-wife, Carol Willick?

Ross: Yes, yes I did. In fact I gave her away at her wedding.

Harris: Her wedding?

Ross: Her lesbian wedding to Ms. Susan Bunch.

Harris: How often do you see your son?

Ross: I have him twice a week and every other weekend.

Harris: Do you feel that you’re a good father to Ben?

Ross: Yes.

Harris: Have you ever given Ben a reason to think that you don't love him?

Ross: No.

Harris: Do you feel that you and your wife could provide for Ben and raise him responsibly?

Ross: Yes.

Harris: Nothing further your honor.

Judge Kerry: Counselor Head?

Richard: Thank you your honor. Mr. Geller, how many times have you been married?

Ross: Four times.

Richard: Please name the women that you've been married to.

Ross: Ah let's see, Carol Willick, Emily Waltham, and Rachel, my current wife twice.

Richard: You've been married to Rachel twice?

Ross: Yes.

Richard: Why is that?

Ross: 'Cause the first one was a drunken mistake.

Richard: Do you make it a habit of marrying women when you're drunk?

Ross: No.

Richard: Then why did you marry Mrs. Geller the first time?

Ross: Ah…..

Judge Kerry: Answer the question Mr. Gelller.

Ross: Because we thought it would be funny to get married and then eat a lot of grapes.

Richard: You don't seem to take marriage very seriously Mr. Geller.

Ross: That's not true. I love my wife very much.

Richard: Which one? You've had four of them.

Ross: Rachel, I love Rachel very much.

Richard: Why did your marriage to Ms. Emily Waltham break up?

Ross: Because I said the wrong name at the altar.

Richard: Who's name was that?

Ross: Rachel's.

Richard: And Ms. Waltham wouldn't forgive you?

Ross: No.

Richard: Back to your first marriage to Rachel. How long were you married?

Ross: Four months.

Richard: And why is that?

Ross: Pardon me?

Richard: Why is that? Why did it take four months to get a divorce if it was just a drunken mistake?

Ross: Because I told Rachel that I would get an annulment.

Richard: But you didn't get the annulment did you Mr. Geller?

Ross: No, no I didn't.

Richard: You in fact deceived Rachel didn't you?

Ross: Technically yes.

Richard: What did Rachel do when she found out she was still married to you? Was she upset?

Ross: Yes.

Richard: And what did she do?

Ross: She didn't speak to me for a month.

Richard: Yet you're married to her now.

Ross: Yes. I'm not gonna lie, we've had our problems in the past but we've worked them out. We're very happy together.

Richard: Well isn't that nice. Why are we here today?

Ross: Because my ex-wife won't settle this custody dispute out of court. She wants to take my son out of my life.

Richard: Yet your life is very complicated. You've been married four times, dismissed from a place of employment, dated a 20 year old student despite University rules against such relationships, and were caught naked with a Ms. Rebecca Strong when you were living with Rachel before you were married. Is all this correct?

Ross: Yes.

Richard: Yet you think you're a good father.

Ross: Yes, yes I do. Despite of all that stuff, I love my son very much.

Richard: How can you take care of your son when your past indicates that you can't take care of yourself?

Ross: Hey, I'm not the one who isn't willing to settle this thing. (pointing at Carol) She is.

Richard: Is that because you're afraid that the court will find that you're not a good parent?

Ross: I'm a good father. I'm human, I make mistakes like everyone else.

Richard: One more question. Who takes care of your baby daughter when your wife is out of town on business?

Ross: I do.

Richard: Let me remind you that you're under oath Mr. Geller.

Ross: My parents, Rachel's parents and my sister and her husband help out too.

Richard: What is the percentage of time that you watch your baby daughter when your wife is out of town on business?

Ross: I don't know.

Judge Kerry: That's not a sufficient answer Mr. Geller.

Richard: Ballpark it for me Mr. Geller.

Ross: 40% of the time.

Richard: Is that being a good father? (Ross just sits there) Nothing further your honor.

Judge Kerry: You may step down Mr. Geller. Would you care to call anyone else Counselor Bush?

Harris: No your honor.

Judge Kerry: Very well. I will take this case under advisement and tell you my decision when I'm ready.

Rachel (mad and to Ross): Of all the times to admit that you don't watch Caitlin when I leave, you had to pick now as the time to come clean.

Harris: It's gonna be ok. Carol looked worse then Ross and Ben wants to stay here with you two.

Ross: God, I hope I didn't blow it.

JENNA'S APARTMENT (Jenna is watching TV. There's a knock on the door. She gets up to answer it)

Jenna: Who is it?

Man: Hannibal Lecter.

Jenna: Go away, I don't feel like being someone's dinner this evening.

(Another knock on the door)

Jenna: Who is it?

Man: Merlin Olsen, I have a flower deliver for a Jenna Eddy.

Jenna: Really? What kind of flowers are they?

Man: Dandelions.

(Jenna opens the door. Joey is standing there)

Jenna: Dandelions are a weed you idiot.

Joey: I'm sorry. I should have been honest with you upfront.

Jenna: Yeah you should've.

Joey: Will you forgive me?

Jenna: Only if you promise that the next person you marry is me.

Joey: I can live with that. Hold on a minute. (Joey goes back out into the hall)

Jenna: Where are you going?

Joey (bringing his parents into Jenna's apartment): Jenna, this is my Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad, this is Jenna.

Mr. Tribbiani: It's a pleasure to meet you Jenna.

Mrs. Tribbiani: You're so beautiful. Joey's description of you wasn't even close.

Mr. Tribbiani: That's because she has her clothes on dear.

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe's reading a book as Mitch enters)

Phoebe: There you are! I was beginning to worry about you! Are you ready for dinner?

Mitch: Yeah about that, I don't think dinner's such a good idea.

Phoebe: Why not?

Mitch: I don't think we should see each other anymore.

Phoebe: Why not? Did I do something wrong?

Mitch: I just can't handle your past. It's all very weird to me.

Phoebe: Oh.

Mitch: I'm sorry Phoebe, I'll see you around. (Mitch goes to leave)

Phoebe: Mitch? (Mitch turns around)

Mitch: Yeah?

Phoebe: For what it's worth, I'm totally in love with you.

Mitch: That's what makes this so hard. I'm sorry Phoebe, I've got to go.

(Phoebe just sits there and stares at Mitch as he leaves)

Phoebe: Bye.

UNITED STATES SUPERIOR COURT - NEW YORK CITY (Ross, Rachel, Susan, Ben, Carol and Ryan are present. As well as their respective lawyers)

Bailiff: All rise, the honorable Judge Kerry Scott is presiding.

Judge Kerry: You may sit. This case isn't easy. Custody cases never are. Nothing tears at my heart more than to see parents fighting for the love of their son.

Harris (to Ross and Rachel): Are you ready for this?

Ross/Rachel: No.

Judge Kerry: After carefully deliberating the testimony that was given in this courtroom, I have reached a decision. If all parties will stand please….(Everyone stands up) It is the decision of this court that the custody of Ben Geller shall remain divided. Granting sole custody to Ms. Carol Willick is denied as is granting sole custody to Mr. and Mrs. Geller. It is the order of this court that Ben Geller will live with Mr. and Mrs. Geller during the school year here in New York City and with Ms. Willick during the summer months, the winter holidays, and spring break. This decision is effective immediately and is based on Ms. Willick's decision to move to San Francisco. Should Ms. Willick decide not to move to San Francisco, the current custody arrangement will take precedent. This court is adjourned. Good day.

Harris: Well it's a partial victory.

Ross: I'm happy with it.

Rachel: Me too.

(Carol approaches Ross and Rachel)

Carol: I guess you won. Congratulations.

Ross: Nobody won Carol, Ben will still get to live with the both of us.

Carol: Except that you get him during the school year.

Ross: I offered to settle this out of court Carol but you refused.

Carol: I guess I'm not moving to San Francisco now.

Ross: That's good news. Hopefully we can get past this and share custody of Ben like we used to.

Carol: I guess so. See you later. Let's go Ben.

Rachel (to Ross): I still don't understand that woman. All she had to do was say that she was going to stay in New York City and none of this would've happened.

Ross: I don't understand her either. I just hope that in the long run Ben's ok.

Richard: I've got to hand to you Harry. You presented an excellent case.

Harris: You were pretty hard Dick yourself.

Richard: That's because Dick is always hard.

Harris: Funny, you're wife is always telling me that Dick is such a softy.


CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica and Chandler are sleeping. Michael starts crying)

Chandler: Mon?

Monica: What is it?

Chandler: Michael's crying.

Monica: What time is it?

Chandler: 2 a.m. (Monica's fallen back to sleep) Mon? Mon? Wake up, Mon. (getting out of bed) I guess I can handle this.

(Chandler goes into Michael's room and picks him up. Chandler lifts up his shirt and tries to breast feed Michael. Monica enters.)

Monica: My God! What are you doing?!

Chandler: I'm feeding Michael.

Monica: Only I can do that you idiot! Give him to me. I'm gonna act like this didn't happen and that it only did because it's 2 a.m.! In fact, you're never allowed to get up in the middle of the night to take care of Michael again!

(Chandler leaves and climbs back to bed)

Chandler: I'm an absolute genius. I'll always get a full night's sleep now.