Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Jenna are present)

Jenna: I want you to meet my parents.

Joey: Well I want a new motorcycle.

Jenna: So?

Joey: Just pointing out two things that aren't gonna happen.

Jenna: Why don't you want to meet my parents? Don't you care for me?

Joey: Of course I care for you. But you see, I have this policy. I don't meet someone's parents until I have sex with their daughter for 24 hours straight. It gives me something to talk about when I meet them.

Jenna: Joey, we had sex for 24 hours straight two days ago.

Joey: Damn it!


MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present)

Rachel: Are you sure you don't mind watching Caitlin?

Monica: No, don't be silly. Besides, in one month our child's gonna be here and Chandler and I are gonna need you and Ross to babysit sometimes too.

Chandler: Wait a minute, you're having a baby? I just thought you've put on a lot of weight.

Ross: Is that why you keep referring to her as Fatty?

(Monica glares at Chandler)

Chandler: Some things are supposed to be between us Ross.

Monica: Go. Go to the courthouse and kick some Willick ass.

Ross: Thanks guys. We'll see you later.

(Ross and Rachel leave)

Chandler: Well what do you want to do Fatty? (Monica again glares at Chandler) What? I figured I'm already in trouble, I might as well stay there.

PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Mitch are present)

Mitch: So when do I get to meet your parents?

Phoebe (laughing): You don't.

Mitch: Why not?

Phoebe: Well for one, my mother's dead and unless you want to meet her ashes, which are on that table right over there by the way, you're not gonna meet her.

Mitch: Ok, what about your Dad?

Phoebe: My Dad's a deadbeat that I don't speak to. He abandoned my sister and I when we were young so I have no room in my life for him.

Mitch: Can I at least meet your sister?

Phoebe: No.

Mitch: Why not?

Phoebe: 'Cause I don't speak to her either.

Mitch (dejected): Oh.

Phoebe (excited): But wait, you could meet my Birth Mom! She lives in Montauk. I'm sure she'd be thrilled to meet you.

Mitch: But I thought you said your mother was dead?

Phoebe: She is. My Birth Mom is the one who carried me and my sister in her uterus for nine months and then gave us to my dead Mom and deadbeat Dad.

Mitch: You have a very weird family background.

Phoebe: Not really. Just your average dysfunctional American family.

UNITED STATES SUPERIOR COURT - NEW YORK CITY (Ross, Rachel, Susan, Ben, Carol and Ryan are present. As well as their respective lawyers)

Ross: Ah Harris, this is Susan Bunch, Carol's ex-wife.

Harris: Ex-wife?

Rachel: Yeah, Carol used to be a lesbian.

Harris: Used to be?

Susan: Yes, apparently lesbianism didn't stick with Carol.

Harris: Well it's nice to meet you Susan. I'm Harry Bush. (Susan looks at him, trying very hard not to laugh)

Susan: It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm just here to provide support to Ross and Rachel. Since lesbian marriages aren't recognized by the State of New York, I have no legal rights in regards to Ben.

Harris: Yeah, that's what sucks about being in a lesbian marriage. When it breaks up, there're no legal remedies.

(Carol, Ryan and Ben approach)

Carol: Ross, Rachel. It's nice to see you.

Rachel: Whatever.

Ross: Look Carol, do we have to do this?

Carol: You're not taking my son.

Ben: But Mom, I want to live with Dad and Mommy Rachel. I don't wanna move to San Francisco. San Francisco sucks.

Carol: Watch your mouth Ben. We don't say things like that. (Carol and Ben walk to the front of the courtroom)

Ryan: I'm so sorry about this. She just won't let it go. I tried and tried to get her to come to her senses but she's adamant about Ben living with us.

Ross: I'm sorry too. You seem like you're a good guy Ryan, I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of this.

(Ryan goes and joins Carol. Carol's attorney approaches Harris)

Carol's Attorney: Harry Bush! It's great to see you. It'll be a pleasure going up against you in this case.

Harris: Ross, Rachel, this is Richard Head, attorney at law.

Richard: Please Harry, my name's Dick. Dick Head, it's a pleasure to meet you both. I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.

Ross: It's nice meeting you.

Rachel: Hi.

Richard: Well, here we go again eh Harry. Good ole Dick Head going up against Harry Bush. Let's see if Dick Head can penetrate Harry Bush's defense.

(Richard goes and joins Carol, Ryan and Ben)

Rachel (to Harris): Is he serious? He really goes by Dick Head?

JENNA'S PARENTS HOUSE - MARLTON, NEW JERSEY (Joey and Jenna are present)

Jenna's Dad: So Joseph, Jenna tells me that you're an actor. Is there anything that I might have seen you in?

Joey: Please call me Joey. All my friends call me Joey. Heck, even my Mom and Dad call me Joey, except of course when I've been bad or something.

Jenna's Dad: I'll stick to Joseph until I decide if I approve of you or not.

Jenna: Dad!

Joey: Well Christian, can I call you Christian? (Jenna's Dad shakes his head no) Well Mr. Eddy, I am one of the stars on the daytime soap opera General Hospital. I play Dr. Ross Greco, a Neurosurgeon. Before that, I was the star of my own TV show - Mac & C.H.E.E.S.E, but it got canceled after its first airing. Oh, and I played Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Other than that, I've done a lot of off-Broadway theater work in the City and modeling.

Christian: Did you graduate from high school?

Joey: Yeah, about two months ago.

Christian: Two months ago? How old are you?

Joey: I'm 32. I got my GED. It was tough but I survived.

Jenna's Mom: So what do you do for fun?

Joey: Well Kathleen, I mean Mrs. Eddy, I like to have sex, play basketball, go to the movies and hang out with my friends. You know, typical guy stuff.

Christian: Did you say that you like to have sex as a means of having fun?

Joey: Well if you're not having fun while you're doing it, then you must not be doing it right. Heck, a couple of days ago Jenna and I had sex for 24 hours straight. We had a blast.

Kathleen: Jenna!

Joey: So, what's for dinner?

(Cut to Jenna who is mortified)

UNITED STATES SUPERIOR COURT - NEW YORK CITY (Ross, Rachel, Susan, Ben, Carol and Ryan are present. As well as their respective lawyers)

Bailiff: All rise, the Honorable Kerry Scott is presiding.

Judge Kerry: Good afternoon everyone. Before I proceed, I would like to know if the parties have attempted to settle this matter without judicial proceedings.

Harris: Mr. and Mrs. Geller have tried to resolve their dispute with Ms. Willick but their attempts have been unsuccessful.

Richard: Ms. Willick seeks to have the Court decide the custody issue of Ben Willick-Geller.

Judge Kerry: Very well. Mr. Head, you may call your first witness.

Richard: I would like to call Ms. Carol Willick to the stand. (Carol is sworn in and seated) Ms. Willick, is Ben Willick-Geller your son?

Carol: Yes. Yes he is.

Richard: Who is the father of Ben Willick-Geller?

Carol: Mr. Ross Geller.

Richard: Have you and Mr. Geller been on good terms since Ben's birth?

Carol: Until recently, yes.

Richard: What happened in the last 30 days to change your relationship with Mr. Geller?

Carol: I informed Mr. Geller that Ben and I were moving to San Francisco. Mr. Geller objected and forced my son to chose between his parents.

Richard: Whom did your son choose?

Carol: His father.

Richard: And why is that?

Carol: Because he brainwashed Ben into thinking that it would be in his best interest to stay with him and his stepmother.

Richard: You believe that Ben really wants to go to San Francisco with you?

Carol: Yes. He was very excited to be moving with me and my fianc? before he spent the weekend with his father. It's in Ben's best interest to be raised by his mother.

Richard: No further questions your honor.

Judge Kerry: Cross examination?

Harris: What did your son say when you, Mr. Vogelsong, Mr. and Mrs. Geller and Ms. Bunch met at the Geller's apartment when you all asked him to decide who he wanted to live with? Who did he say he wanted to live with?

Carol: His father and stepmother. But…..

Harris: No further questions your Honor.

Rachel (to Ross): That sure deflated Carol's attorney. Looks like Dick went limp.

MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler and Caitlin are present)

Monica: You know, we still need to decide on a name for our child.

Chandler: I thought we already did.

Monica: No we didn't.

Chandler: We're not naming the child Rufus?

Monica: I don't think so!

Chandler: Lucifer?

Monica: Come on, be serious for once in your life.

Chandler: Ok. (pause) How about Rocky?

Monica: If you come up with one more stupid name, I'm naming the baby by myself.

Chandler: Michael.

Monica: That's not bad. That's not bad at all. I like Michael. Michael Geller, it's got a nice ring to it don't you think?

Chandler: Your last name is Bing.

Monica: I knew marrying you would haunt me.

PHOEBE SR'S HOUSE - MONTAUK, NEW YORK (Phoebe, Mitch and Phoebe Sr. are present)

Mitch: You've got a nice house here.

Phoebe Sr.: Thanks very much.

Mitch: It looks like a Steven Eichler design.

Phoebe Sr.: In fact it is. How'd you know that?

Phoebe: Mitch is an architect.

Phoebe Sr.: Would you have designed anything that I'd recognize?

Mitch: Probably not. I mostly do single family residences.

Phoebe: Though Mitch is helping re-design Ground Zero.

Phoebe Sr.: Well that's good to hear. You can take a lot of pride in that. So do you guys wanna smoke some pot?

Mitch: Excuse me?

Phoebe: You know, smoke a doobie, partake in some reefer. All the kids are doing it.

Mitch: Ah, no, I don't smoke pot.

Phoebe Sr.: Neither do I. That was a test. Congratulations you passed.

Mitch: Wow, for a minute there I thought you were serious.

Phoebe: You mean we're really not gonna smoke some pot?

UNITED STATES SUPERIOR COURT - NEW YORK CITY (Ross, Rachel, Susan, Ben, Carol and Ryan are present. As well as their respective lawyers)

Judge Kerry: Who would you like to call next counselor?

Richard: I'd like to call Mr. Ryan Vogelsong to the stand. (Ryan is sworn in) Mr. Vogelsong, what is your relationship with Ms. Willick?

Ryan: I'm her fianc?.

Richard: And when do you plan on marrying Ms. Willick?

Ryan: December 31st.

Richard: What is your occupation?

Ryan: I'm a professional baseball player for the San Francisco Giants.

Richard: Do you have any children Mr. Vogelsong?

Ryan: No. Though I already count Ben as my stepson. He's a great little kid.

Richard: Do you feel that you can be a positive force in Ben's life once you become his stepfather?

Ryan: Yes. Yes I do.

Richard: One more question, how much do you make a year?

Harris: Objection! Relevance?

Judge Kerry: Counselor, what's the point of your question?

Richard: I'm merely trying to establish the point that Mr. Vogelsong and Mrs. Willick will have the financial means to support Ben.

Judge Kerry: Answer the question Mr. Vogelsong.

Ryan: I make $2 million per season.

Rachel (to Ross): Man did I marry the wrong guy.

Richard: Nothing further. Your turn Harris.

Harris: Mr. Vogelsong, are you aware that your fianc?e, Ms. Willick, is a recovering lesbian?

Richard: Objection. The counselor is insulting my client.

Judge Kerry: This better be good Counselor Harris.

Harris: Please answer the question Mr. Vogelsong.

Ryan: Yes, I'm aware the Ms. Willick was a lesbian.

Harris: How did you meet Ms. Willick?

Ryan: I met her at Shea Stadium when I was in town with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Harris: I see. How many times have you been traded in your career as a professional baseball player?

Ryan: Four times.

Harris: Four times?

Ryan: Yes sir.

Harris: How often are you on the road during the season?

Ryan: About half the season.

Harris: How are you planning on being a father to Ben if you're on the road for half the season?

Ryan: I'd check in daily with Carol and when the team is home, I'd be at home.

Harris: Do you play winter ball?

Ryan: Yes.

Harris: How long does that last?

Ryan: Three months.

Harris: So for approximately nine months out of the year you're playing baseball?

Ryan: Yes.

Harris: Ok. Back to the lesbian issue. You're aware that Ms. Willick has a history of changing teams so to speak?

Ryan: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're implying.

Harris: Well Ms. Willick was married to my client, Mr. Ross Geller, left him for a Ms. Susan Bunch and then subsequently left her for you.

Ryan: That's true. But Carol and I have talked and she's assured me that she's no longer a lesbian.

Harris: You're saying that you can guarantee me that Ms. Willick won't return to the lesbian lifestyle?

Ryan: No.

Harris: And you don't think that behavior could damage a kid's psyche?

Ryan: I don't know.

Harris: One final question. Who do you think is best suited to raise Ben? (Ryan just sits there and says nothing) You're under oath Mr. Vogelsong.

Ryan: Mr. and Mrs. Geller.

Harris: Thank you. You're excused.

Ross (to Rachel): We're winning, we're winning!

MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler and Caitlin are present. Chandler's throwing Caitlin in the air)

Chandler: Look, she's flying!

Monica: Cut it out! If you drop her I will kill you before Ross and Rachel get the chance!

Chandler: You're really no fun. (notices Monica making a face) Are you alright?

Monica: I dunno.

Chandler: What's the matter?

Monica: I think I'm having false labor pains.

Chandler: Yeah, I read something about that. (Monica looks at Chandler weirdly) What? I read sometimes.

Monica: Ow! Oh crap!

Chandler: What?

Monica: I think my water just broke.

Chandler: Huh?

Monica: I think the baby's coming!

Chandler: It can't, you're not due for another four weeks!

Monica: Well tell that to my uterus! This baby wants to greet the world now!

Chandler: Then spread your legs and I'll deliver the message to the baby!

Monica: Stop foolin' around and get me to the hospital!

Chandler: But I'm not prepared to be a father yet!

Monica: Well I'm not waiting for you. Now call my parents, get Caitlin in her car seat and get me to the God damn hospital!

JENNA'S PARENTS HOUSE - MARLTON, NEW JERSEY (Joey and Jenna are present. Jenna has taken Joey aside)

Jenna: Are you completely insane? You just told my parents that we had sex for twenty-0four hours straight!

Joey: So you're saying that I shouldn't have done that?

Jenna: Yes you moron!

Joey: I was just trying to be honest. Your mother asked me a question and I answered it honestly.

Jenna: Well you have to fix this.

Joey: Fix what?

Jenna: My parents hate you!

Joey: Really? I thought they really liked me.

Jenna: Just fix it. Look, just don't say anything stupid at dinner and everything will be alright.

Joey: Ok. I'm sorry.

Jenna: It's ok, I still love you.

Joey: You love me?

Jenna: Yeah, I'm in love with you. Do you think you can handle that?

Joey: Yeah. I never really ever say this to anyone, but I love you too.

Jenna: Thanks. Now get in there and turn on the Joey charm.

Joey: But you just told me not to say anything stupid.

Jenna: Then be the anti-Joey. Just make my parents like you.

Joey: Maybe I should show your Mom my thing. (Jenna glares at Joey) Just kidding. Though I do have impressive equipment.

PHOEBE SR'S HOUSE - MONTAUK, NEW YORK (Phoebe, Mitch and Phoebe Sr. are present)

Phoebe: Wow, this is better than Monica's cooking.

Mitch: I thought you said that Monica's cooking makes you throw up?

Phoebe: I was trying to give my Birth Mom a compliment.

Phoebe Sr.: Well thank you Phoebe. Though I'm now not really sure whether I should be flattered or not. So Mitch, what are your intentions with Phoebe?

Mitch: Ah…I really wasn't ready for that question. Ah…..

Phoebe: No pressure, I won't hold you to it.

Mitch: Well I hope that Phoebe and I have a long courtship and eventually get married and raise a family.

Phoebe Sr.: That's it?

Mitch: Ah, yeah. Did I miss something?

Phoebe Sr.: How about impressing her Birth Mom?

Mitch: Of course, that's a given.

Phoebe: You already want to marry me?

Mitch: I don't know. I hope we end up together I guess.

Phoebe: Wow, those Tarot cards have really gotten it right this time.

UNITED STATES SUPERIOR COURT - NEW YORK CITY (Ross, Rachel, Susan, Ben, Carol and Ryan are present. As well as their respective lawyers)

Judge Kerry: Would you like to call anyone else Counselor Head?

Richard: Yes, I'd like Ben to testify.

Judge Kerry: Very well. Ben, could you please come up here.

Carol: It's ok Ben, you're gonna be ok.

(Ben sits down and is sworn in)

Richard: Hi Ben. I'm just gonna ask you a couple of questions. Ok?

Ben: Ok.

Richard: Who have you primarily lived with since you were born?

Ben: Mommy Carol.

Richard: Do you like living with Mommy Carol?

Ben: Yeah, it's ok. Except when she gets mad at me and sends me to my room.

Richard: It's tough being a kid sometimes isn't it?

Ben: Yeah.

Richard: When Mommy Carol told you that you were going to move to San Francisco with Ryan, were you excited?

Ben: I guess.

Richard: Ben, do you know why you're here?

Ben: Because Mommy Carol doesn’t want me to live with my Dad and Mommy Rachel.

Richard: Right. How does that make you feel?

Ben: Sad.

Richard: Why?

Ben: Because Mommy Carol and Daddy and Mommy Rachel used to get along. Now when they see each other all they do is fight and I know it's because of me. None of them love me anymore.

(The courtroom goes silent)

JENNA'S PARENTS HOUSE - MARLTON, NEW JERSEY (Joey and Jenna are present. They're eating dinner with Jenna's folks. No one is saying anything)

Joey: This is really good meatloaf Mrs. Eddy.

Kathleen: Thank you Joseph.

Joey: You're a way better cook then my Mom.

Kathleen (looking at her husband): Well at least someone appreciates my cooking around here.

Jenna: Dad, how's work going?

Christian: I got laid off last week.

Jenna: Why didn't you tell me?

Christian: Slipped my mind.

Kathleen: We didn’t want to burden you dear.

Jenna: Do you need some money?

Christian: Excuse me?

Jenna: I was just wondering if you need some financial help.

Christian: We'll be fine.

Joey: What did you do Mr. Eddy?

Christian: I was a pipe fitter for a construction company. I spent 36 years working for that company and then they tell me that have to let me go. They're just gonna give my job to some young hotshot who'll work for half the pay.

Joey: My father owns a plumbing company. Actually, he wanted me to go work for him, but I told him no. Anyway, he's always looking for good pipe fitters, I can talk to him if you want me to.

Christian: Thanks Joseph for the offer, but I think it's time to retire anyway.

Jenna: Are you sure Dad? Joey's Dad could really use a hard worker like you.

Christian: I'm sure, now let's drop it.

Kathleen: Don't mind your father dear, he's just had a hard couple of weeks.

(Christian starts to choke)

Jenna: Are you alright Dad? (Christian doesn't answer) Mom, Dad's choking!

Kathleen: What do we do?

Joey: I got it! I'll give him the hemorrhoid maneuver!

Jenna: It's Heimlich! The Heimlich maneuver!

Joey: Do you want to discuss this or do you want me to help you Dad?

Jenna: Help him!

(Joey gives Christian the Heimlich maneuver, Christian spits up a huge wad of meatloaf)

Joey: There, look at that, I guess you didn't chew it well enough.

Christian: Thank you Joey.

Joey: Not a problem. Hey, you called me Joey.

Christian: Yes, yes I did. I guess I was wrong about you Joey, you seem like you're a good man.

Joey: Thanks Christian.

Christian: It's Mr. Eddy.

Joey: Right.

Christian: Oh and one other thing. Don't you ever tell me anything about you and Jenna's sex life ever again.

Joey: Yes sir.

Kathleen: But if you want to tell me, that's ok.

UNITED STATES SUPERIOR COURT - NEW YORK CITY (Ross, Rachel, Susan, Ben, Carol and Ryan are present. As well as their respective lawyers)

(Continued from before - the courtroom is still silent)

Judge Kerry: Do you have anything further Counselor?

Richard: No.

Judge Kerry: Before cross examination, I think we need a recess. We'll continue this at 10am tomorrow morning. Court is adjourned.

Ross (to Rachel): Did you hear that? Ben thinks we don't love him anymore.

Rachel: I know. I'm absolutely speechless. Maybe we should try to talk to Carol once more.

Ross: Good idea.

(Ross and Rachel go over to Carol and Ryan)

Carol: Yes?

Ross: I think we should put a stop to this.

Carol: So you're gonna let me take Ben to San Francisco?

Ross: I didn't say that.

Carol: Then there's nothing to talk about.

Rachel: Carol, your son just said that he doesn't think any of us loves him anymore.

Carol: He didn't mean it.

Ben: Yes I did.

Carol: Not now Ben. Mommy's talking to Daddy.

Ross: Carol, this is ridiculous. Can't we work something out?

Carol: I told you what I want. I want to raise Ben with Ryan.

Ross: I'm the boy's father. You can't cut me out of his life.

Carol: You'll have him for two weeks a year. You don't need anymore time than that. And besides, you have Caitlin to raise.

Ross: Why are you being so unreasonable?

Carol: That's a matter of opinion.

Rachel: Come on Carol, don't put Ben through anymore of this.

Carol: Then let me raise my son in California.

Ben: Can I go home with Daddy today Mommy?

Carol: No, you're staying with me.

Ben: But I don't want to stay with you!

Carol: Sometimes life isn't fair Ben, let's go.

Ryan: I'm sorry. I'll try to talk to her.

(Ryan, Carol and Ben leave)

Ross (to Rachel): Is it just me, or has that woman completely lost the ability to reason?

Rachel: That's definitely not the Carol that I used to know. She was much nicer when she was a lesbian.

Harris: I'll see you tomorrow.

Ross: Harris?

Harris: Yes Ross?

Ross: Go easy on Ben tomorrow.

Harris: Of course.

Ross (to Rachel): Ready to go?

Rachel: Yeah. (pause) Let me ask you a question. Was Carol like this when you were married to her?

Ross: Nope.

Rachel: There goes my theory.

Ross: What's that?

Rachel: That the heterosexual Carol is a conniving bitch and the lesbian Carol is a sweet, wonderful person.

Ross: Yeah, I was she was still a lesbian too.


MT SINAI HOSPITAL (Chandler and Monica have arrived and are checking in)

Receptionist: May I help you?

Chandler: My wife's having a baby!

Receptionist (noticing Caitlin): How's that possible? She can't be more than three months old.

Monica: That's not our child.

Receptionist: Did you steal her?

Chandler: Yeah lady, my pregnant wife and I stole this baby because we wanted to only go through labor once.

Receptionist: Are you gonna make me call the police?

Monica: Look, the baby is our friends, they're at the courthouse at the moment. Now will you please put me in a room before this child comes shooting out of my uterus!