THE ONE WHERE JOEY GOES TO CONFESSION
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Phoebe and Monica are present)
Ross: How many letters are in Newfoundland?
Phoebe: Do I look Canadian to you?
Ross: Iím just trying to see if Newfoundland fits in this crossword.
Monica: Thereís 11 letters.
Ross: Thank you.
Phoebe: Whatís the deal with Newfoundland anyway? They couldnít think of a better name? What, did they arrive and say what should we name this place? And like no one knew and then some idiot said ďwell itís a new found land, weíve got to name it somethingĒ and the next thing you know they were calling it ďNewfoundland.Ē See what happens when we let men name places.
Ross: Newfoundland was founded by a woman Pheebs.
Phoebe: Oh. Isnít Newfoundland a beautiful name for a beautiful Canadian province?
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are present)
Joey (hanging up the phone): I hate Sundays.
Chandler: How can you say that? Sundays are the part of the weekend. We donít have to work on Sundays.
Phoebe: How are Sundays any different than any other day of the week for you Chandler? Itís not like you work Monday thru Friday anyway.
Chandler: True, but at least I get paid for showing up to work Monday thru Friday. Seriously Joe, whatís so bad about Sundays?
Joey: Every Sunday my mother calls and asks if I went to Church. Each week I tell her no and then she tells me that Iím going to hell.
Phoebe: Ah yes, the famous Catholic guilt. But hey Joe, at least you wonít be alone in hell.
Joey: Whyís that?
Phoebe: íCause Iíll be there too!
Joey: Thatís the first good reason Iíve heard as to why I should go to Church.
Phoebe: Yeah, now youíre definitely going to hell.
Joey: I should really go to Church.
Phoebe: Joey, even if you went to Church, itís not gonna stop you from going to hell. Youíre too much of a bad boy. You donít belong in heaven, you belong in hell with me!
Joey: Who are you? The Antichrist? If I go to Church more often, God will forgive me for the times I havenít gone.
Chandler: And how many times havenít you gone?
Joey: I dunno. Letís see, I havenít been since Christmas of 1992. So Iíve missed at least 500 masses, not counting special holy days.
Chandler: Why donít you just go to confession? Isnít that the Catholic way of ridding themselves of guilt?
Joey: Thatís a hell of an idea. That way I can make up for all the missed masses in one shot. Man, thatís a great idea. Iím gonna go to confession. Thanks Chandler.
Chandler: Hey, I do anything to save a person from burning for eternity.
Phoebe: You better make an appointment.
Joey: Whyís that?
Phoebe: Because most priests donít have four spare hours in their day to listen to a guy recount his life story.
Joey: Itís not gonna take four hours.
Phoebe: How many times did you have pre-marital sex?
Joey: Yeah, I better make an appointment.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel, Ross and Caitlin are present)
Rachel: Are you sure you donít mind Mon?
Monica (holding Caitlin): Are you kidding me? I want one of these so bad.
Ross: Ok Mon, itís a baby, not a toy. (pause) Weíll only be gone for a couple of hours.
Monica: Go. Get out of here. Caitlin and Iíll be fine. Weíre gonna tell stories to each other.
Now you two beat it.
Rachel: Bye Mon, thanks again.
Monica (to Caitlin): Yes, your Auntie Monica is going to take care of you for a couple of hours. Wanna play dress up? Auntie Monica has new baby clothes for you in her room.
Chandler (seeing Caitlin): Whoa! What is that doing here?
Monica: That, as you so eloquently put it, is your niece and weíre watching her for a couple of hours while Ross and Rachel go shopping.
Chandler: I knew I shouldĎve gone to confession with Joey.
Monica: Whatíd you say honey?
Chandler: Nothing. Iím delighted to watch our niece for a couple of hours. Iím gonna go take a nap.
Monica: You never take a nap. Whatís the deal?
Chandler: Iím tired. Dealing with Joey takes a lot out of a man, therefore Iím taking a nap.
Monica: Youíre worried that Iím gonna pressure you even more for a baby after watching Caitlin arenít you?
Monica: Donít lie to me Chandler.
Chandler: Ok, maybe a little.
Monica: Well youíre right, the full court press is gonna be on.
Chandler: Why in Godís name did I take you to the Knick game?
BLOOMINGDALEíS - MENĎS DEPARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are shopping)
Ross: I donít need new clothes. I really donít know why weíre here.
Rachel: Would you stop moping? Weíre here because Iím sick of you dressing like your father.
Ross: Hey, my Dad dresses just fine thank you.
Rachel: Ross, how old are you?
Ross: Iím 32.
Rachel: Well you dress like youíre 52.
Ross: You never told me that when we were dating.
Rachel: What did I get you for a present every time there was a special occasion?
Ross: Clothes. Lots of clothes.
Rachel: See, I subliminally told you that you dressed like your father. You just didnít get the message.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica is changing Caitlin)
Monica: Here honey, would you take this out to the garbage?
Chandler: No. I donít wanna anything to do with that before itís my time.
Monica: Itís just a dirty diaper. Itís not like Iím asking you to open and smell it.
Chandler: No, I donít care. That, that, that thing is just a crying and pooping machine. Thatís all sheís done since she got here!
Monica: Is this how youíre gonna be when we have kids? íCause you know, I donít like it one bit.
Chandler: Well when we have kids weíll have a nanny to do all the dirty stuff.
Monica: Weíre not getting a nanny. We canít afford a nanny.
Chandler: Then I guess youíll just have to do everything yourself. Iím going to talk to Phoebe.
Monica: I knew I shouldíve married Richard.
(Chandler from the hall)
Chandler: I heard that!
ST. JOAN OF ARC CATHOLIC CHURCH (Joey has arrived to go to confession. He sits down next to a girl whoís about 17.)
Joey: Hey. How you doin?
Girl: Pretty good? How you doing?
Joey: Not to good. Iím here for confession.
Girl: Me too.
Joey: What did you do?
Girl: I had pre-marital sex. My mom found out and sheís making me come here to avoid going to hell.
Joey: Huh, thatís why Iím here.
Girl: Arenít you married?
Girl: So how could you have pre-marital sex?
Joey: Yeah, but until 3 months ago I wasnít married and I had a lot of pre-marital sex. If I donít go to confession, Iím going to hell.
Girl: Well good luck. It looks like its my turn. (The girl goes into the confessional)
(a nun approaches Joey)
Nun: Hello there my son.
Joey: How you doin?
Nun: Fine thank you. If youíll excuse me, I must go pray.
Joey: Did I say something wrong?
Nun: No my son, youíve just got me re-considering my vows to God.
(a confessional becomes available and Joey enters)
Priest (sliding the confessional door open): Hello my son. How can I help you?
Joey: Yeah, Iím here for confession.
Priest: Yes, my son. Go on.
Joey: Do you have about four hours? Itís gonna take that long.
Priest: How ever long it takes my son, thatís how long it takes.
Joey: Ok. Here it goes.
BLOOMINGDALES (Ross and Rachel are shopping - Ross comes out of the dressing room dressed in stylish clothes)
Rachel: Wow! You look, you look, you look hot!
Ross: Really? ĎCause I feel like an idiot. This is totally not me.
Rachel: Oh honey, you look so good. I think I want you right here, right now.
Ross: Weíre in a department store!
Rachel: So? Are you passing up sex with your wife? Your wife who hasnít let you touch her since Caitlin was born?
Ross: Did I say no? What was I thinking? Letís go!
(Ross grabs Rachelís hand and leads her to his dressing room and shuts the door)
Rachel: Letís get you out of these pants!
Ross: What about you?
Rachel (sliding her underwear down to her ankles): IĎm ready. This is so exciting!
Ross: Donít be disappointed if I donít last long. Itís been a while.
Rachel: Itís been six months, twenty days, four hours, fifteen minutes, (and looking at her watch) and eighteen seconds!
Ross: Youíve been keeping track?
Rachel: How many times have we had sex in our time together?
Ross: This would be 596.
Rachel: Then shut up and give it to me!
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Chandler is talking to Phoebe)
Phoebe: Why arenít you at home watching Caitlin with Monica?
Chandler: Because babies scare the bejesus out of me.
Phoebe: I thought only Michael Flatley and the Lord of the Dance did that to you?
Chandler: That and babies.
Phoebe: Come on Chandler, how are you and Monica ever gonna have children if youíre afraid of babies?
Chandler: Adopt them when theyíre seven?
Phoebe: Go back over there and face your fear like a man!
Chandler: But Iím not a man!
Phoebe: Then be like a boy and face your fear!
Chandler: I will! Iím gonna go face my fear! Thanks Phoebe!
Phoebe: Monica and Caitlin are gonna eat him alive.
ST. JOAN OF ARC CATHOLIC CHURCH (Joey is still in the confessional)
Priest: Look son, instead of listing each girl that you had pre-marital sex with, why donít you just tell me the number of women that you had pre-marital sex with?
Joey: Yeah, weíd be here all day and night otherwise.
Priest: Well? How many?
Joey: I donít really know, I donít think I can count that high.
Priest: Ballpark it.
Joey: Ok, about 1,500.
Priest: Excuse me?
Joey: Yeah, that might be a little low.
Priest: Are you sure youíre not Wilt Chamberlain?
Joey: Hey, he was my idol!
Priest: Apparently. Ok my son, what else do you have to confess?
Joey: Well Iíve missed weekly mass since Christmas of 1992. And that doesnít include holy days.
Priest: Ok. I can work with that. What else?
Joey: Well since I got married three months ago, Iíve had extra-marital sex with ten women.
Priest: Youíve cheated on your wife with ten different women?
Joey: Yeah. But itís ok. She knows and sheís ok with it. Actually it was part of our deal when we got married. We agreed that we could see and sleep with other partners.
Priest: You didnít get married in a Catholic Church by chance?
Joey: No Father. We got married down at the courthouse.
Priest: And why did you get married?
Joey: My wife Phoebe wouldnít have sex with me.
Priest: You got married just to have sex with your future wife?
Joey: Well we got married because she stole my stuffed penguin pal Hugsy and her punishment was that she had to marry me.
Priest: So you got married just to punish Phoebe?
Joey: That and so I could have sex with her.
Priest: You do know that that is against the teachings of the Church and that youíve made a mockery of marriage?
Joey: Yes father.
Priest: But you did it anyway?
Joey: Yes father. I couldnít help myself.
Priest: Apparently. Do you love your wife?
Joey: Of course. Sheís my best friend. Iím very happy that I married her. I just hope we donít divorce when her time is up in a year and nine months.
Priest: Youíve already planned to divorce her?
Joey: Thatís what she wanted. That was part of the deal. Iím not going to hell am I?
Priest: Do you believe in hell?
Joey: Yeah, I guess so.
Priest: Only you can decide what type of life to live my son. If you believe in God and the teachings of the Catholic Church, and you believe that Jesus died to atone for mankindís original sin, then youíve got a good shot in getting into heaven.
Joey: Can I keep going?
Priest: You do realize that weíve been at this for two hours already?
Joey: Arenít you keeping time in there?
Priest: No. Go on.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica is sitting on the couch. Caitlin is asleep in the guest room. Chandler enters)
Monica: Youíre back.
Chandler: Whereís Caitlin?
Monica: Sheís down for her nap.
Chandler: Look, Iím sorry about before. IĎm just not used to having babies around.
Monica: I know. I sort of understand.
Chandler: You do know that I want to have kids with you?
Monica: Well your performance earlier really shook my confidence in that fact.
Chandler: I want to have kids with you. I want them as soon as possible.
Chandler: Or if youíd be willing to adopt them when theyíre about seven, thatíd work too.
Monica: No, I wanna start from scratch. That way we can screw them up from the start.
Chandler: But think of the possibilities if we could say ďhey, we didnít get you Ďtil you were seven, it was your birth parents that screwed you upĒ.
Monica: That is intriguing.
Chandler: Wanna go try for a baby?
Monica: What about Caitlin?
Chandler: Sheís a little young donít you think?
Monica: I love you. Take me now or lose me forever.
Chandler: Finally, my chance to dump you with dignity. (Monica glares at Chandler) Kidding, just kidding. (Chandler and Monica walk towards the bedroom) You do know that all kids really are are just drunk adults looking at themselves in the mirror, right?
BLOOMINGDALES (Ross and Rachel are putting their clothes back on in the dressing room)
Ross: Wow! That was, that was incredible!
Rachel: We definitely havenít done that in a while!
Ross: Iím definitely getting these clothes.
Rachel: See, all you needed was a little convincing.
Ross: Well Iím definitely convinced.
Rachel: Iím gonna go out first. Follow me in about 30 seconds.
(Rachel leaves and Ross finishes dressing. Then he leaves. He enters the floor and finds a security guard waiting for him. Rachel is standing next to the security guard looking very unhappy)
Ross: Whatís going on?
Security Guard: Are you Ross Geller?
Security Guard: Come with me. Two police officers are waiting for you and your wife out front.
Ross: What did we do? We didnít steal anything.
Rachel: Apparently thereís a video camera in the dressing room and they caught our escapade on tape.
Rachel: Yes. Iím sorry honey, this is all my fault.
Ross: But totally worth it!
ST. JOAN OF ARC CATHOLIC CHURCH (Joey is still in the confessional)
Joey: And about four years ago I made my buddy Chandler sit in a box for about six hours for stealing my girlfriend at the time.
Priest: Did you forgive Chandler?
Joey: Yeah, heís one of my closest friends.
Priest: Anything else?
Joey: I use Godís name in vain all the time.
Priest: Most people do. Donít feel so bad.
Joey: Well I think thatís it. Thanks a lot Father.
Priest: Donít go yet.
Joey: Why not?
Priest: Because weíre not done.
Joey: Oh. Is this the part where you tell me your sins?
Priest: No. Bow your head please. I absolve you of all your sins in the name of the Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost. As penance, please recite 50 Hail Maryís and 50 Our Fatherís. Go in peace my son and try to live each day in Godís way.
Priest: Yes my son?
Joey: Donít you think the penance you gave me is a little stiff?
Priest: My son, for your transgressions Iíd give you more acts of contrition, but the sentencing guidelines donít go up that high.
Joey: Right. Thank you Father.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler, Phoebe, Monica and Caitlin are present)
Phoebe: Did they do a blood test on Caitlin?
Monica: For what?
Phoebe: I duuno, is it just me or does Caitlin have Bradís eyes and chin?
Chandler: I think Caitlin looks like Rachel.
Phoebe: Nah, she looks like Ross.
Monica: She definitely does not look like Ross.
Phoebe: I dunno, she has Rossís ass. Ross has a nice ass.
Chandler: Yeah, Iíll make sure I tell him that.
(Ross and Rachel enter, theyĎre both down)
Chandler: My God, didnít one of the Village People get shot or something?
Rachel: Ross and I got arrested.
Monica: Oh my God! What happened?
Phoebe: You had sex in a dressing room didnít you?
Rachel: Yeah, howíd you know?
Phoebe: ĎCause I had a vision while I was in the shower.
Ross: Anyway, luckily they just let us off with a warning. Howís Caitlin?
Monica: Sheís fine. Sheís napping.
Chandler: I changed her.
Rachel: Whatíd you do to her?
Chandler: No, I changed her diaper all by myself.
Ross: Wow! Thatís really impressive.
Chandler: Yeah, and I only got a little poo-poo on my hand.
Monica: Yes, he was very brave.
Phoebe: Have you been at confession this whole time?
Joey: Yeah. You were right, it took about four hours.
Chandler: To get there and back?
Joey: No, just in the confessional. I had a long talk with the Priest and now Iím not going to hell.
Phoebe: But who will I play with?
Chandler: Apparently Ross and Rachel.
Joey: Get busted for having sex in a public place?
Rachel: Yeah, howíd you know?
Joey: ĎCause I confessed that during hour three and the Priest said, yeah, thatíll send you straight to hell.
ST JOAN OF ARC CATHOLIC CHURCH (A Priest and a Nun are talking)
Nun: I nearly violated my vows to God today Father Mike.
Father Mike: Me too Sister Margaret.
Sister Margaret: There was this handsome young man waiting for the confessional. I said hello and all he said was ďHow you doin?Ē, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to have sex with him.
Father Mike: Oh my Lord, I know this young man. I heard his confession. Sister Margaret, donít feel bad, apparently he has quite the way with the ladies. Even I was taken in by him for I was second guessing my vows of celibacy.
Sister Margaret: You wanted to have sex with a woman after hearing his confession?
Father Mike: Heavens no, Iím a Priest Sister Margaret, I wanted to have sex with this young man.