CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Phoebe and Monica are present)

Ross: How many letters are in Newfoundland?

Phoebe: Do I look Canadian to you?

Ross: I’m just trying to see if Newfoundland fits in this crossword.

Monica: There’s 11 letters.

Ross: Thank you.

Phoebe: What’s the deal with Newfoundland anyway? They couldn’t think of a better name? What, did they arrive and say what should we name this place? And like no one knew and then some idiot said “well it’s a new found land, we’ve got to name it something” and the next thing you know they were calling it “Newfoundland.” See what happens when we let men name places.

Ross: Newfoundland was founded by a woman Pheebs.

Phoebe: Oh. Isn’t Newfoundland a beautiful name for a beautiful Canadian province?

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are present)

Joey (hanging up the phone): I hate Sundays.

Chandler: How can you say that? Sundays are the part of the weekend. We don’t have to work on Sundays.

Phoebe: How are Sundays any different than any other day of the week for you Chandler? It’s not like you work Monday thru Friday anyway.

Chandler: True, but at least I get paid for showing up to work Monday thru Friday. Seriously Joe, what’s so bad about Sundays?

Joey: Every Sunday my mother calls and asks if I went to Church. Each week I tell her no and then she tells me that I’m going to hell.

Phoebe: Ah yes, the famous Catholic guilt. But hey Joe, at least you won’t be alone in hell.

Joey: Why’s that?

Phoebe: ’Cause I’ll be there too!

Joey: That’s the first good reason I’ve heard as to why I should go to Church.

Phoebe: Yeah, now you’re definitely going to hell.

Joey: I should really go to Church.

Phoebe: Joey, even if you went to Church, it’s not gonna stop you from going to hell. You’re too much of a bad boy. You don’t belong in heaven, you belong in hell with me!

Joey: Who are you? The Antichrist? If I go to Church more often, God will forgive me for the times I haven’t gone.

Chandler: And how many times haven’t you gone?

Joey: I dunno. Let’s see, I haven’t been since Christmas of 1992. So I’ve missed at least 500 masses, not counting special holy days.

Chandler: Why don’t you just go to confession? Isn’t that the Catholic way of ridding themselves of guilt?

Joey: That’s a hell of an idea. That way I can make up for all the missed masses in one shot. Man, that’s a great idea. I’m gonna go to confession. Thanks Chandler.

Chandler: Hey, I do anything to save a person from burning for eternity.

Phoebe: You better make an appointment.

Joey: Why’s that?

Phoebe: Because most priests don’t have four spare hours in their day to listen to a guy recount his life story.

Joey: It’s not gonna take four hours.

Phoebe: How many times did you have pre-marital sex?

Joey: Yeah, I better make an appointment.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Rachel, Ross and Caitlin are present)

Rachel: Are you sure you don’t mind Mon?

Monica (holding Caitlin): Are you kidding me? I want one of these so bad.

Ross: Ok Mon, it’s a baby, not a toy. (pause) We’ll only be gone for a couple of hours.

Monica: Go. Get out of here. Caitlin and I’ll be fine. We’re gonna tell stories to each other.

Now you two beat it.

Rachel: Bye Mon, thanks again.

Monica (to Caitlin): Yes, your Auntie Monica is going to take care of you for a couple of hours. Wanna play dress up? Auntie Monica has new baby clothes for you in her room.

(Chandler enters)

Chandler (seeing Caitlin): Whoa! What is that doing here?

Monica: That, as you so eloquently put it, is your niece and we’re watching her for a couple of hours while Ross and Rachel go shopping.

Chandler: I knew I should‘ve gone to confession with Joey.

Monica: What’d you say honey?

Chandler: Nothing. I’m delighted to watch our niece for a couple of hours. I’m gonna go take a nap.

Monica: You never take a nap. What’s the deal?

Chandler: I’m tired. Dealing with Joey takes a lot out of a man, therefore I’m taking a nap.

Monica: You’re worried that I’m gonna pressure you even more for a baby after watching Caitlin aren’t you?

Chandler: No.

Monica: Don’t lie to me Chandler.

Chandler: Ok, maybe a little.

Monica: Well you’re right, the full court press is gonna be on.

Chandler: Why in God’s name did I take you to the Knick game?

BLOOMINGDALE’S - MEN‘S DEPARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are shopping)

Ross: I don’t need new clothes. I really don’t know why we’re here.

Rachel: Would you stop moping? We’re here because I’m sick of you dressing like your father.

Ross: Hey, my Dad dresses just fine thank you.

Rachel: Ross, how old are you?

Ross: I’m 32.

Rachel: Well you dress like you’re 52.

Ross: You never told me that when we were dating.

Rachel: What did I get you for a present every time there was a special occasion?

Ross: Clothes. Lots of clothes.

Rachel: See, I subliminally told you that you dressed like your father. You just didn’t get the message.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is changing Caitlin)

Monica: Here honey, would you take this out to the garbage?

Chandler: No. I don’t wanna anything to do with that before it’s my time.

Monica: It’s just a dirty diaper. It’s not like I’m asking you to open and smell it.

Chandler: No, I don’t care. That, that, that thing is just a crying and pooping machine. That’s all she’s done since she got here!

Monica: Is this how you’re gonna be when we have kids? ’Cause you know, I don’t like it one bit.

Chandler: Well when we have kids we’ll have a nanny to do all the dirty stuff.

Monica: We’re not getting a nanny. We can’t afford a nanny.

Chandler: Then I guess you’ll just have to do everything yourself. I’m going to talk to Phoebe.

(Chandler leaves)

Monica: I knew I should’ve married Richard.

(Chandler from the hall)

Chandler: I heard that!

ST. JOAN OF ARC CATHOLIC CHURCH (Joey has arrived to go to confession. He sits down next to a girl who’s about 17.)

Joey: Hey. How you doin?

Girl: Pretty good? How you doing?

Joey: Not to good. I’m here for confession.

Girl: Me too.

Joey: What did you do?

Girl: I had pre-marital sex. My mom found out and she’s making me come here to avoid going to hell.

Joey: Huh, that’s why I’m here.

Girl: Aren’t you married?

Joey: Yeah.

Girl: So how could you have pre-marital sex?

Joey: Yeah, but until 3 months ago I wasn’t married and I had a lot of pre-marital sex. If I don’t go to confession, I’m going to hell.

Girl: Well good luck. It looks like its my turn. (The girl goes into the confessional)

(a nun approaches Joey)

Nun: Hello there my son.

Joey: How you doin?

Nun: Fine thank you. If you’ll excuse me, I must go pray.

Joey: Did I say something wrong?

Nun: No my son, you’ve just got me re-considering my vows to God.

(a confessional becomes available and Joey enters)

Joey: Hi.

Priest (sliding the confessional door open): Hello my son. How can I help you?

Joey: Yeah, I’m here for confession.

Priest: Yes, my son. Go on.

Joey: Do you have about four hours? It’s gonna take that long.

Priest: How ever long it takes my son, that’s how long it takes.

Joey: Ok. Here it goes.

BLOOMINGDALES (Ross and Rachel are shopping - Ross comes out of the dressing room dressed in stylish clothes)

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Wow! You look, you look, you look hot!

Ross: Really? ‘Cause I feel like an idiot. This is totally not me.

Rachel: Oh honey, you look so good. I think I want you right here, right now.

Ross: We’re in a department store!

Rachel: So? Are you passing up sex with your wife? Your wife who hasn’t let you touch her since Caitlin was born?

Ross: Did I say no? What was I thinking? Let’s go!

(Ross grabs Rachel’s hand and leads her to his dressing room and shuts the door)

Rachel: Let’s get you out of these pants!

Ross: What about you?

Rachel (sliding her underwear down to her ankles): I‘m ready. This is so exciting!

Ross: Don’t be disappointed if I don’t last long. It’s been a while.

Rachel: It’s been six months, twenty days, four hours, fifteen minutes, (and looking at her watch) and eighteen seconds!

Ross: You’ve been keeping track?

Rachel: How many times have we had sex in our time together?

Ross: This would be 596.

Rachel: Then shut up and give it to me!

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Chandler is talking to Phoebe)

Phoebe: Why aren’t you at home watching Caitlin with Monica?

Chandler: Because babies scare the bejesus out of me.

Phoebe: I thought only Michael Flatley and the Lord of the Dance did that to you?

Chandler: That and babies.

Phoebe: Come on Chandler, how are you and Monica ever gonna have children if you’re afraid of babies?

Chandler: Adopt them when they’re seven?

Phoebe: Go back over there and face your fear like a man!

Chandler: But I’m not a man!

Phoebe: Then be like a boy and face your fear!

Chandler: I will! I’m gonna go face my fear! Thanks Phoebe!

(Chandler leaves)

Phoebe: Monica and Caitlin are gonna eat him alive.

ST. JOAN OF ARC CATHOLIC CHURCH (Joey is still in the confessional)

Priest: Look son, instead of listing each girl that you had pre-marital sex with, why don’t you just tell me the number of women that you had pre-marital sex with?

Joey: Yeah, we’d be here all day and night otherwise.

Priest: Well? How many?

Joey: I don’t really know, I don’t think I can count that high.

Priest: Ballpark it.

Joey: Ok, about 1,500.

Priest: Excuse me?

Joey: Yeah, that might be a little low.

Priest: Are you sure you’re not Wilt Chamberlain?

Joey: Hey, he was my idol!

Priest: Apparently. Ok my son, what else do you have to confess?

Joey: Well I’ve missed weekly mass since Christmas of 1992. And that doesn’t include holy days.

Priest: Ok. I can work with that. What else?

Joey: Well since I got married three months ago, I’ve had extra-marital sex with ten women.

Priest: You’ve cheated on your wife with ten different women?

Joey: Yeah. But it’s ok. She knows and she’s ok with it. Actually it was part of our deal when we got married. We agreed that we could see and sleep with other partners.

Priest: You didn’t get married in a Catholic Church by chance?

Joey: No Father. We got married down at the courthouse.

Priest: And why did you get married?

Joey: My wife Phoebe wouldn’t have sex with me.

Priest: You got married just to have sex with your future wife?

Joey: Well we got married because she stole my stuffed penguin pal Hugsy and her punishment was that she had to marry me.

Priest: So you got married just to punish Phoebe?

Joey: That and so I could have sex with her.

Priest: You do know that that is against the teachings of the Church and that you’ve made a mockery of marriage?

Joey: Yes father.

Priest: But you did it anyway?

Joey: Yes father. I couldn’t help myself.

Priest: Apparently. Do you love your wife?

Joey: Of course. She’s my best friend. I’m very happy that I married her. I just hope we don’t divorce when her time is up in a year and nine months.

Priest: You’ve already planned to divorce her?

Joey: That’s what she wanted. That was part of the deal. I’m not going to hell am I?

Priest: Do you believe in hell?

Joey: Yeah, I guess so.

Priest: Only you can decide what type of life to live my son. If you believe in God and the teachings of the Catholic Church, and you believe that Jesus died to atone for mankind’s original sin, then you’ve got a good shot in getting into heaven.

Joey: Can I keep going?

Priest: You do realize that we’ve been at this for two hours already?

Joey: Aren’t you keeping time in there?

Priest: Yes.

Joey: Seriously?

Priest: No. Go on.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is sitting on the couch. Caitlin is asleep in the guest room. Chandler enters)

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: You’re back.

Chandler: Where’s Caitlin?

Monica: She’s down for her nap.

Chandler: Look, I’m sorry about before. I‘m just not used to having babies around.

Monica: I know. I sort of understand.

Chandler: You do know that I want to have kids with you?

Monica: Well your performance earlier really shook my confidence in that fact.

Chandler: I want to have kids with you. I want them as soon as possible.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Or if you’d be willing to adopt them when they’re about seven, that’d work too.

Monica: No, I wanna start from scratch. That way we can screw them up from the start.

Chandler: But think of the possibilities if we could say “hey, we didn’t get you ‘til you were seven, it was your birth parents that screwed you up”.

Monica: That is intriguing.

Chandler: Wanna go try for a baby?

Monica: What about Caitlin?

Chandler: She’s a little young don’t you think?

Monica: I love you. Take me now or lose me forever.

Chandler: Finally, my chance to dump you with dignity. (Monica glares at Chandler) Kidding, just kidding. (Chandler and Monica walk towards the bedroom) You do know that all kids really are are just drunk adults looking at themselves in the mirror, right?

BLOOMINGDALES (Ross and Rachel are putting their clothes back on in the dressing room)

Ross: Wow! That was, that was incredible!

Rachel: We definitely haven’t done that in a while!

Ross: I’m definitely getting these clothes.

Rachel: See, all you needed was a little convincing.

Ross: Well I’m definitely convinced.

Rachel: I’m gonna go out first. Follow me in about 30 seconds.

Ross: Ok.

(Rachel leaves and Ross finishes dressing. Then he leaves. He enters the floor and finds a security guard waiting for him. Rachel is standing next to the security guard looking very unhappy)

Ross: What’s going on?

Security Guard: Are you Ross Geller?

Ross: Yes.

Security Guard: Come with me. Two police officers are waiting for you and your wife out front.

Ross: What did we do? We didn’t steal anything.

Rachel: Apparently there’s a video camera in the dressing room and they caught our escapade on tape.

Ross: No!

Rachel: Yes. I’m sorry honey, this is all my fault.

Ross: But totally worth it!

ST. JOAN OF ARC CATHOLIC CHURCH (Joey is still in the confessional)

Joey: And about four years ago I made my buddy Chandler sit in a box for about six hours for stealing my girlfriend at the time.

Priest: Did you forgive Chandler?

Joey: Yeah, he’s one of my closest friends.

Priest: Anything else?

Joey: I use God’s name in vain all the time.

Priest: Most people do. Don’t feel so bad.

Joey: Well I think that’s it. Thanks a lot Father.

Priest: Don’t go yet.

Joey: Why not?

Priest: Because we’re not done.

Joey: Oh. Is this the part where you tell me your sins?

Priest: No. Bow your head please. I absolve you of all your sins in the name of the Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost. As penance, please recite 50 Hail Mary’s and 50 Our Father’s. Go in peace my son and try to live each day in God’s way.

Joey: Father?

Priest: Yes my son?

Joey: Don’t you think the penance you gave me is a little stiff?

Priest: My son, for your transgressions I’d give you more acts of contrition, but the sentencing guidelines don’t go up that high.

Joey: Right. Thank you Father.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler, Phoebe, Monica and Caitlin are present)

Phoebe: Did they do a blood test on Caitlin?

Monica: For what?

Phoebe: I duuno, is it just me or does Caitlin have Brad’s eyes and chin?

Chandler: I think Caitlin looks like Rachel.

Phoebe: Nah, she looks like Ross.

Monica: She definitely does not look like Ross.

Phoebe: I dunno, she has Ross’s ass. Ross has a nice ass.

Chandler: Yeah, I’ll make sure I tell him that.

(Ross and Rachel enter, they‘re both down)

Ross: Hey.

Chandler: My God, didn’t one of the Village People get shot or something?

Rachel: Ross and I got arrested.

Monica: Oh my God! What happened?

Phoebe: You had sex in a dressing room didn’t you?

Rachel: Yeah, how’d you know?

Phoebe: ‘Cause I had a vision while I was in the shower.

Ross: Anyway, luckily they just let us off with a warning. How’s Caitlin?

Monica: She’s fine. She’s napping.

Chandler: I changed her.

Rachel: What’d you do to her?

Chandler: No, I changed her diaper all by myself.

Ross: Wow! That’s really impressive.

Chandler: Yeah, and I only got a little poo-poo on my hand.

Monica: Yes, he was very brave.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Have you been at confession this whole time?

Joey: Yeah. You were right, it took about four hours.

Chandler: To get there and back?

Joey: No, just in the confessional. I had a long talk with the Priest and now I’m not going to hell.

Phoebe: But who will I play with?

Chandler: Apparently Ross and Rachel.

Joey: Get busted for having sex in a public place?

Rachel: Yeah, how’d you know?

Joey: ‘Cause I confessed that during hour three and the Priest said, yeah, that’ll send you straight to hell.

ST JOAN OF ARC CATHOLIC CHURCH (A Priest and a Nun are talking)

Nun: I nearly violated my vows to God today Father Mike.

Father Mike: Me too Sister Margaret.

Sister Margaret: There was this handsome young man waiting for the confessional. I said hello and all he said was “How you doin?”, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to have sex with him.

Father Mike: Oh my Lord, I know this young man. I heard his confession. Sister Margaret, don’t feel bad, apparently he has quite the way with the ladies. Even I was taken in by him for I was second guessing my vows of celibacy.

Sister Margaret: You wanted to have sex with a woman after hearing his confession?

Father Mike: Heavens no, I’m a Priest Sister Margaret, I wanted to have sex with this young man.