The One Where Phoebe Acts

Hi everyone! Hey I'm back! After a really long slump, I had finally wrote another fanfic. Oh, oh! My website is at a new address now, so go there and check it out. Leave me a note when you guys are there. Thanks a lot for reading this and also not forgetting Eric, Docs and others who put my fanfics up. You're cool by me :o) If you recognise any of the characters below, they aren't mine. No copyright infringement intended.

(Central Perk. Everyone but Joey is there. Wednesday evening.)

Joey (bursts in): Pheebs! Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you!!! Why didn't you call? Or call? Or call?! (Yes, he said it thrice!)

Phoebe (sitting in the armchair): Oh Joey! You looked for me? Me? I thought you didn't care.

Joey (kneels beside Phoebe): Pheebs... I DO care! I do!

(Phoebe and Joey start making out on the armchair... well, they are really into it until about time, they stopped! [What do you think?] They then turned to the the couch...)

Monica (looking bored): 7!

Rachel (eyes closed): 7.79... for the extended kiss, an 8 then!

Ross (dozing off, drool et al): Hwahat?! Oh... uh, 8?

Chandler (who was sleeping until Monica nudged him): Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?! Not me!!! What?! (Looks at Joey and Phoebe) Oh... did I miss anything? (Paper napkins came flying at him.)

(Opening Credits)

(Central Perk. Everybody is there. Wednesday evening. Directly from previous scene.)

Phoebe: C'mon! You must see us again. Are my lips all right?

Rachel: Pheebs, it's just an audition. Just go with the flow.

Joey: No! It's THE audition and THE audition is tomorrow! We can't afford to mess up! This could be my big break and (looking at Phoebe)... your what-EVER!

Phoebe: Yeah! And you know, I might do what Joey does!

Ross: Spreading cheer to willing and sexually active females? (Joey starts to space out...)

Phoebe: No, you idiot! Acting! If Joey can do it, ANYBODY can do it! (Joey starts to smile, then he stopped after realising what Phoebe meant.)

Monica: Well, as I see it, you guys are going to be fine. Just walk up to the guy and do it.

Chandler: And at the same time, start begging if you can. If that didn't work, you can always say that you're acting.

Joey (thoughtfully): Well... I tried that the last few times but none worked so far.

Chandler: Did you kneel?

Joey: No...

Chandler: I rest my case.

Ross: Hey Mon! Have you sent anything to Cousin Doris yet?

Monica: No, no! Don't give me 'that' look Ross! I thought you are going to do it!

Ross: I did it last year remember... Rach was there. Ask Rach, she was there with me.

Rachel: When was this? Before or after we break up?

Ross: Uh... after?

Rachel (kind of 'hurt'): Then, I 'don't' remember anything (turns away).

Ross (exasperated): I know I did Mon! I sent her that pink gloves to go with the pink Cadillac. I wanted green but you said pink would be better. Remember? Do you want her to come? Like THAT year where she brought along Uncle Benny and Aunt Sissy and they came like 'The Three Amigos' just because?!

Phoebe: Oohh, that was fun. I have never watched the movie.

Chandler: Yeah, I always wondered how they managed the Sombreros though...

Rachel: Oh! They made that 'Christmas Surprise' with the bits of stuff in it...

Monica: Honey, they were fruitcake! Okay, I'll do it tomorrow. I'm free anyway. But you pay! I paid last year.

Chandler: Since you're going shopping, do you mind buying me... (takes out a list) 3 packs of gum, mint not peppermint; I hate the mess that they make to my body's equilibrium. And 2 boxes of...

Monica (after snatching the list away): Wow. The stuff here is enough to last for 2 months. When did you make this?

Chandler: Um... 2 months ago.

Rachel (standing up): I'm beat. I'm going to bed. You guys coming up?

Phoebe: You're going now?! We're not done yet!

Joey: Yeah! That's just Act III, Scene 2! We still have (looks at script)... uh, more acts to go.

Chandler: What are you reading? Shakespeare?

Joey (reading the script's title): 'West Side Story' Cliff Notes - The Revised Version.

Chandler: And you have not die yet?!?! Gunther! (Gunther comes with a pot of coffee in his hands. Chandler points to his cup.) Hit me!

(Commercial Break 1)

(Nick's Studio, New York. Several wannabe actors are already there, some singing, acting, talking alone. Thursday morning.)

(Joey and Phoebe walk in. They seemed confused.)

Phoebe (seeing Joey waving to some other actors around): What are you doing? Are you making friends with the enemy?

Joey (confused): Enemy? No, Pheebs. Those are my friends, we always see one another in auditions like this. See... (points to a guy smoking a cigar) that's Frank; he only does Jack Nicholson in auditions... (points to a girl in a business suit) ah, that's Mary. Man, I have not seen her in some time.

Phoebe: Why is she in a business suit? Is she in a wrong meeting or what?

Joey (laughs): No, that's just a cover, once she's in audition, she'll take 'em off one by one.

Phoebe: She's a stripper?!!

Joey: Only by night. C'mon, we got to register.

(Joey and Phoebe move to the only desk in the studio. A sign saying 'If you don't have a pen, you think I do?' was on the table.)

Phoebe: Excuse me, we would like to register for the audition.

Table Lady (in a monotonous voice. It's obvious that she'd been doing this for some time): Fill up the forms and keep the number. When I call ya, just go through that door and do your thing. Whatever it is, I'm not sleeping with the interviewer and I'm married. And no, I won't do 'it' for money either!

Joey (taking the forms and whispers to Phoebe): What's with her? (Realises that he does not have a pen, motions a 'pen-movement' towards the Table Lady. Without a single flinch, she points at the sign on the table.)

(Nick's Studio, New York. In a smaller room with 2 men at a table. An hour later.)

(Phoebe comes in grumbling.)

Phoebe: ...you know, it's one thing waiting and it's another thing 'waiting-without-telling-you-that-it's-going-to-take-ages'. That is just so rude, I- (stops and looks at the 2 men)... I'm sorry, I was just practising. (Flushed and embarrassed, she goes up and shook hands with the men) I'm Phoebe Buffay. I'm here for the audition.

Men 1: Well, Miss Boof-fay, we're sorry for the wait but as you can see we are very, very busy people. Now, are you ready?

Phoebe: Uh, I guessed. Do you want me to read the part of Dorothy or do you just want me to be her?

Men 2: Um, that won't be necessary. Would you mind just holding up your hands?

Phoebe (confused): Like this? (Holding up her hands)

Men 1 (standing up and walking towards Phoebe): You have very 'beautiful' hands (touching her hands and looking them over), strong, long and uh! Where have you been all my life?!?!

Phoebe (pulling herself away): What kind of sicko are you? I thought this was supposed to be an audition for a movie!

Men 2: It is! Don't you know? It's for our movie, 'Pete and the Amazing Effects of People's Bodily Functions'. We NEED your hands in this movie.

Phoebe: That's it?! Why didn't you tell me? I was a masseuse you know.

(Nick's Studio. Outside the audition room. Phoebe is sitting down, staring intently at her hands. Half an hour later.)

Phoebe (staring at her hands): These babies are gonna make me some money (laughs to herself. She's not 'evil' or anything).

(Joey comes out of the room, obviously dejected.)

Phoebe: What's wrong Joey? You didn't get the job?

Joey: No... it's just that they only wanted my right hand!

Phoebe: So, what's wrong with your right hand?

Joey: My butt is WAY better don't you think? It's THE butt Pheebs (whining).

Phoebe (puts her arm around Joey and walks away with him): I know... I know... we gave our soul, but they only want us for our bodies...

(Commercial Break 2)

(U.S. Postal Office. Monica and Chandler are in a long queue towards the only counter that's open. They are not talking and Chandler is obviously VERY bored. Early evening.)

Chandler: You know-

Monica (cuts him off): Shut up! Bad things happen when you talk!

Chandler (getting defensive): What? It's not my fault.

Monica: Oh really?! It's one thing that I allowed you to go shopping with me and that was okay. You DO NOT have to make Santa Claus cry! You scared all those children! Do you want them to grow up delusional like you? Who are you? Satan?

Chandler: Hey! He was taunting me all right! The way I dress, the 'girlie' things I bought... It was for my Mom! If I can't punch him, I can always out-wit him!

Monica (realising that people are turning towards them): (Towards the onlookers) It's okay. (Pointing at Chandler) He's just pissed that he didn't get to buy the Furbys. (Looking at Chandler) I'll pay you to shut up!

(Chandler stops talking and starts to look around the postal office. His eyes settled on the few 'Wanted' posters on the wall. being the man that he is, he just can't resist the silence.)

Chandler: Why did they put up posters of the 'Wanted' men in this place. What? They want us to be pen-pals with them?

Monica (gives up): That's it! Deal's off! Do I have to kill you?

Chandler: Oh really? After all we've been through? (Interrupted by an old lady in front of Monica.)

Old Lady: Listen honey. This is not the place to settle your little disagreements. Go to bed, have a little sex and everything going to be fine. You are so young, don't waste all that energy for such menial things... (shakes her head and she looks ahead).

(Monica and Chandler, too stunned, look at each other and then towards the back of the Old Lady. They settled uneasily into silence. Guess who 'broke' it?)

Monica (shyly): So, Chandler? You dating anyone?

Chandler (shocked at Monica's question): Mon, are you coming on to me?

Monica (embarrassed): Forget I asked!

Chandler (realises that he blew his chance): No, no... I mean... I'm sorry-

(They were both cut off by the lady behind the counter as she puts the sign 'We Are Closed' just as Monica's turn is up. Chandler, pissed that nothing is going his way that day, goes up to the counter.)

Chandler: What's wrong with you?! We have been waiting for ages! We have a parcel to send okay! Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Send parcels?! Hello... don't you walk away from me! (The lady just stops walking and points to her watch her wrist and slings her bag onto her shoulder. Chandler pounds on the glass/plastic barrier.) Hey! I'm talking to you! This is just my crappy day and you're just making it worse! Come out! Show me your claws! I'll show you- (he was cut off by the burly security guard who walks menacing towards Chandler, thumping his baton on his left hand.). So you have a baton over there. What are you going to do? Whack me? C'mon, I dare you, I have witnesses! Don't hide behind that baton! Use your hands if you're man enough!

Monica (sensing trouble, grabs Chandler's hand and walks to the exit): Damnit Chandler... I can't take you 'anywhere'.

(Closing Credits)

(Monica's & Rachel's Apartment. Everyone but Ross and Rachel are there. There are seated in front of the TV, with them facing the audience. It is a few weeks after the above events. Kind of like a 'future' scenario kind of thing. Late evening.)

(Ross and Rachel enter the apartment. The rest of the gang turn and stare at them.)

Ross: I met her on my way up.

Rachel (seeing the rest of the guys turning towards the TV): What are you guys watching?

Joey (smiling): You know the audition we went a few weeks ago? Well, we'll be on in a few minutes time.

Phoebe (excited): My acting debut! Is that VCR on Chandler?

Chandler (on the floor beside the TV): For the 4,896th time, it is!

(The gang then watches the TV, with Ross and Rachel standing.)

Phoebe (hearing and watching a 'slap' from the the TV): That's my hand!

Joey (hearing and watching a 'punch' next after the 'slap'): And that's good ol' Mr. Righty. You can stop recording, Chandler.

Monica (puzzled): I made popcorn for this?

Phoebe (with arm around Joey): Are we good or are we good?