Written by: Gabe
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Author's Note: I intend for this to be the fifth episode in my own version of Season 8. I would recommend reading the first 4 episodes of my series; "The One With Joey's Problem" , "The One With The Itchy Butts" "The One With The Explanation" and "The One On Train 363" before you read this one.
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's Compartment. They are both starting to wake up, laying next to each other]
Joey: (Half asleep) Good morning.
Rachel: (waking up) Good morning. (looks under he blanket) Joey, where are all of our clothes?
Joey: Most of them are under the bed. Except for your shirt and your bra.
Rachel: And where are they?
Joey: Well your shirt we threw off someone where in the coach carf...
Rachel: And my bra?
Joey: Yeah I think we threw it out the window.
Rachel: Damn! I really liked that one!
Joey: Yeah I did too.
Rachel: Ow...uh oh.
Joey: What's the matter?
Rachel: Oh my god! I am so stupid! What was I thinking?!
Joey: What?! What?! What?!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to have sex with anyone for at least a week.
Joey: Why? What kind of horrible torture is that?
Rachel: It's because of the rash! The skin on my butt was still really sensitive, so I wasn't supposed to have sex with anyone. The delicate skin couldn't handle the...motion. And unfortunately, you have a lot of motion!
Joey: (proudly) Yeah I know.
Rachel: Well it wouldn't be so bad if you wouldn't have spanked me every five seconds!
Joey: Hey you said you liked that!
Rachel: Look, Joey, that's beside the point. Let's just get dressed, head outside, and pretend that this never happened. It stays between you and me.
Joey: Fine...but there's one more thing.
Rachel: What is it?
Joey: I can still eat meatball sandwhiches right?
[Scene: Outside the train. Monica and Chandlerare both leaning against a post, almost asleep]
Rachel: What is the matter with you two? You look exhausted.
Chandler: Well, that's because we are.
Joey: What's wrong? Did you two not sleep at all last night? (to Chandler) Heh, you go man.
Monica: Oh yeah, we were up all night. But it wasn't because we were having sex, it's because the people in the compartment next to us were!
Chandler: (whining) And they were really really loud!
Rachel: Uh oh.
Joey: Um Rach, I think that whole keeping it between us idea is gonna be a little hard to do.
Monica: What is wrong with you people?! Until 5 in the morning?! Are you both machines?!
Joey: (to Rachel) Wow you really did fix Mr.Limp huh?
Chandler: Yeah, and what was up with that whole spank me thing?!
Joey: See, I told you that you were enjoying it!
Monica: You were screaming it too!
Chandler: Let's just find a cab, so that we can go to my mom's house and continue this trip of non-stop torture. Ok?
Joey: Well I can't wait to see your mom again. I hope she's still dating that casting director.
Chandler: Well don't get your hopes up Joe, I'm sure she's slept with a million other guys since then.
Limo Driver: I'm sorry. Are you Chandler Bing.
Chandler: Maybe. Who's asking?
Limo Driver: I'm a limo driver. You're mom hired me to drive you and your friends back to her place.
Rachel: Wow! This is so cool!
Joey: Yeah! Chandler, I love your mom!
Chandler: Well one of us should.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment. Ross and Phoebe are waking up in Monica and Chandler's Bed.]
Ross: (waking up) What time is it?
Phoebe: (lazily glancing around) I don't know.
Ross: (sitting up) Wow...I feel drained...(Pheebs gives him a look) Drained of energy...
Phoebe: Oh, good. (pause) I can't believe we did it again.
Ross: Don't be so hard on yourself. (proudly) I'm just that good.
Ross: Ok, I'm sorry. But it's really not a big deal. It's nothing to get all freaked out about.
Phoebe: What? You should be freaking out too! I mean, this is the bed that Monica and Chandler sleep in. And we just had sex in it! Several times!
Ross: (thinks about it) Eww! (jumps out of bed) Gross! Yuck! Icky!
Phoebe: See! Now who's freaking out?
Ross: Me! Me! Me!
Phoebe: (phone rings and Phoebe answers it as Ross runs into the living room, continuing to freak out) Hello.
Rachel: (cut back and forth between Rachel in the limo and Phoebe in Monica and Chandler's bed) Hey Phoebe! I've called everywhere looking for you! Whats up?
Phoebe: Um...nothing. Why do you sound so happy?
Rachel: Well., Chandler's mom got us a...
Phoebe: (interupting) Oh my god! You had sex!
Ross: (re-entering the room) Who had sex?
Ross: Rachel had sex?!
Rachel: I did not have sex!
Phoebe: I'm pretty sure she did.
Rachel: I didn't Phoebe! Quit telling him that!
Chandler: (into the phone) Yes she did! Her and Joey were spanking each other all night long!
Phoebe: (gasps) You had sex with Joey?!
Rachel: Oh god.
Phoebe: How did this happen?!
Rachel: It's a long story Pheebs. Look, we're almost to Chandler's Mom's house. I'll talk to you later. Bye! (hangs up)
Phoebe: Wait I wanna hear about this! (notices she hung up, and hangs up too) Ooh, I can't believe her!
Ross: I can't believe him!
Phoebe: (looks up at Ross) This is weird...
Ross: I know...everyone is having sex.
Phoebe: Joey. She slept with Joey. Ooh the nerve of her!
Ross: Why is that such a big deal? I mean, you and Joey have never been together, or dated, or...
Phoebe: (interupting) I know. It's just that...there's always been this connection between me and Joey. And I thought for sure that I would get to have sex with him before Monica or Rachel! I mean, he's my backup for crying out loud. A few more years of single life and he would be mine!
Ross: Oh my god. Do you love Joey?
Phoebe: No! Well I do, but just not in the way you're thinking...It's just gonna be weird is all.
Ross: Yeah I know what you mean.
Phoebe: What about you? Aren't you a little uncomfortable with this? I mean it's Rachel! Your Rachel.
Ross: No, because see that's the thing. She's not my Rachel. Not anymore. She's just Rachel. I mean, it took me a long time to get to this place, where I can look at her as a friend, and just a friend. And I'm not gonna let this one night stand with Joey set me back a few steps.
Phoebe: What if it turns out to be more than a one night stand?
Ross: Do you really think it will?
Phoebe: Well...(pauses) Well...before the whole butt rash thing came around, Joey told me he might have feelings for Rachel.
Ross: (thinks, sits on the edge of the bed) Well then I say good for them. It's not very often that friends can make a safe transition into couplehood. And if they can do that...well then I'm more than happy for them.
Phoebe: Yeah...and it worked out great for Monica and Chandler.
Ross: Yeah. (pauses) Is that what's happening with us?
Phoebe: Ross...Let's not go there ok?
Ross: Let's not go where?
Phoebe: To that talk! Ok? I mean, don't guys hate this part? The whole "Where is this going" conversation?
Ross: Yes! Normally I would hate this part! But Pheebs...this is you. You're my friend. And I need to know exactly where this is going so that I don't screw it up. I can't have you mad at me, and I can't let this incredible friendship and...and bond that we have between us get messed up. Especially if I'm the father of your baby...
Phoebe: Ross, no matter where this leads, we're always going to be friends. I promise you that.
Ross: But where is this leading?
Phoebe: (thinks, pauses) Ross we're friends ok? And...sometimes, lately all the time, we have great sex. But I don't wanna ruin anything and try to become more than friends. I just don't think we're compatible enough for that. And yes, we're gonna get closer because you might be the father of my baby...but friends is it Ross. Just friends.
Ross: Ok, so we're just friends.
Phoebe: Right. No drama, no dating...(glares at Ross)...no proposing!
Ross: Hey! Cheap shot!
Phoebe: Sorry. But we need to cover all the bases.
Ross: (laughs) Well I know we've done that, it was only a couple of hours ago that I rounded third base and headed straight for...
Phoebe: (interrupting) Ross! Let's try to stay focused here.
Phoebe: So everything is ok right? We're clear about everything?
Ross: Yeah. Everything is clear.
Phoebe: Good...so do you wanna do it again?
Ross: Yes! (leans in and kisses Phoebe, but quickly stops) But not in this bed!
Phoebe: Oh yeah...um, I know! Let's do it in Rachel's bed. Then we can do it in Joey's!
Ross: What? We can't do that!
Phoebe: Oh come on Ross. Won't it make you feel a little bit better about them having sex if we...just do it all over their stuff!
Ross: (thinks) Yeah! Come on! (grabs Phoebe's hand and takes off)
[Scene:Chandler's Mom's living room. The gang is just arriving. Chandler and Monica still look exhausted but Joey and Rachel are both very excited about the big house, the limo, ect...]
Mrs. Bing: Oh! Welcome everybody to my humble abode! (showing them into the living room) Please everybody have a seat.
Rachel: Wow you have a really nice place Mrs. Bing.
Mrs. Bing: Thanks. It's a shame though. I don't get to spend much time here. Always out promoting, touring, all that stuff. (looks to Chandler and Monica who are sitting on the couch. Monica is leaning against Chandler and they are both asleep) Wake up!
Chandler: (waking up, startled) Again? Again? I'm not a machine Mon! (realizing where he's at) Oh...hey mom.
Mrs. Bing: Wow, you two look wore out. But then again, that's what newlyweds are supposed to do. I got a new waterbed upstairs if you two feel like going at it again.
Joey: Your mom is the coolest! (pauses) Oh hey Mrs. Bing, I wanted to ask you, are you still dating that Dennis Philips guy?
Mrs. Bing: No, we broke up a few weeks ago. I found me a new, younger, finer chunk of man.
Chandler: Oh how I hope he's legal.
Rachel: Well how old is he?
Mrs. Bing: 25.
Chandler: 25?! Dear god! Did you rob a nursery?!
Monica: Chandler! (to Mrs. Bing) Will we get to meet him?
Mrs. Bing: Yes! He should be here anytime now.
Chandler: Well, I think me and Monica are going to head upstairs for a nap. We didn't get much sleep last night. (glares at Joey)
Mrs. Bing: A nap? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
Chandler: I don't know. Why don't you ask the child you call a boyfriend?!
[Scene: A bedroom in Mrs. Bing's house. Chandler and Monica are entering, reading to pass out on the bed]
Monica: I need sleep.
Chandler: Me too. (falls onto the bed) Goodnight.
Monica: (kicks off her shoes) Goodnight. (lays down on the other side of the water bed, causing a wave to go through it that knocks Chandler off the bed) Oh my god!
Chandler: (jumping up from off the ground) Oww! Are you trying to kill me or was it just an accident?!
[Scene: Living Room of Mrs. Bing's house. Rachel and Joey are sitting on the couch, watching a big screen TV]
Joey: I'm in heaven.
Rachel: Yeah I know what you mean.
Joey: How come we don't have one of these big TV's at our house?
Rachel: Because you don't have a blockbuster under your belt and I haven't created a successful fashion line yet.
Joey: Well if anybody knows about what's under my belt it's you. (laughs)
Rachel: Joey! I told you! No talking about that, no mentioning it, and no making references to it! Even when we're alone!
Joey: You wanna do it again don't ya?
Mrs. Bing: (entering) Oh hey you two! I want you to meet my new fantastic lover. Come on in here honey.
Tag: (entering) Hi everyone. (sees Rachel) Uh oh.
Mrs. Bing: This is Tag.
Joey: Poke?! Er, Tag?!
Tag: Wow...this is weird.
Mrs. Bing: What's going on?
Tag: Um...well, me and Rachel here, used to date.
Mrs. Bing: Really? Well isn't that something? Why did you break up?
Tag: Well, she said I was too young.
Mrs. Bing: Oh Rachel! Dear child, they can never, ever be too young.
Rachel: Oh I know.
Mrs. Bing: Well then why did you break up with him? I mean I would keep him around just for his...sexual abilities.
Rachel: Yes well, it's a long story. I really don't feel like talking about it right now. (phone rings)
Tag: I'll get it. (exits)
Mrs. Bing: (watching him go) Ooh what a tiger! How could you ever let him go? He's so good in bed.
Rachel: Well...I've had better.
Mrs. Bing: Yeah, but how long ago? Chandler told me you and Ross have been over for quite awhile.
Rachel: (laughs) No it's not Ross. I had someone a lot better than Tag, or Ross, last night.
Joey: (proudly) Yeah she did.
Tag: (re-enterting) Nora, someone is on the phone for you.
Mrs. Bing: Oh. I'll be right back then. (exits)
Rachel: So...Tag...how did you get together with Mrs. Bing?
Tag: Well, I was looking for a job, and I saw her ad in the paper. She wanted a young, inteligent man to model one of the characters in her next book after. And we just hit it off...
Rachel: Oh how nice.
Tag: Yeah. (pause) So what's going on with you? Do you have a boyfriend now?
Rachel: Um...(glances at Joey) yeah! Actually me and Joey here are dating now.
Joey: (confused) Huh?
Tag: Really? That's nice. I always thought you two had a nice little chemistry.
Rachel: Well thank you. (she glances at Joey, who looks completely lost and confused)
Mrs. Bing: (re-entering) Ok. There has to be an emergency re-write in one of my books. I have to go LA immediately. All of you feel free to stay here for as long as you want. I should be back in a couple of days.
Tag: What? You're leaving?
Mrs. Bing: I'm sorry honey but I have to go. Rachel, Joey, tell Monica and Chandler I am really sorry about this, and if I don't get back before they leave, I'll just drop in on them in New York.
Rachel: Well they'll be happy to hear that.
Mrs. Bing: Ok. I'm off. (walks up to tag and kisses him, it goes on a little longer than you would expect, and Rachel and Joey look very uncomforrtable) Bye everyone. (she exits)
Tag: Ok I'm going to go get a drink. Anyone else want one?
Joey: (still confused) Yeah I need one.
Rachel: I'm gonna go tell Monica and Chandler about Mrs. Bing.
Tag: Ok. We'll be downstairs in the game room.
Joey: (giddy) There's a game room?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Room. They are both standing up by the bed, and look very tired]
Monica: Ok, so why don't we try jumping on it at the same time?
Chandler: Ok...(thinks) Yeah that should work. We'll go on 3 ok?
Chandler: 1, 2, 3! (both Chandler and Monica jump on the bed at the same time, but the impact from both of them casuses the waves in the waterbed to throw them both back off) Damn!
Monica: We are never going to sleep!
Rachel: (entering) Oh good you guys are up. That was a pretty short nap though.
Chandler: We haven't slept yet!
Rachel: Oh. Well then I'll make this quick. Um, your mom had to leave. She had to fly to LA and she might not be back until after we leave.
Chandler: This is great!
Rachel: Well not so fast. She said if she doesn't get back by then that she'll just drop in on you two in New York.
Chandler: I knew it was too good to be true.
Rachel: Oh, and she left her boyfriend here with us.
Chandler: Oh. How young is he?
Monica: Is he cute? (off a look from Chandler) Not that I care or anything...
Rachel: It's tag!?
Monica and Chandler: What?!
Rachel: Yeah. (pointing to Chandler) Your mom is dating my ex-boyfriend! The one who I broke up with, because he's too young!
Chandler: God she gets around...
Rachel: Well, I'm gonna go back downstairs and make sure Joey doesn't say anything stupid.
Rachel: Oh! And if he asks, me and Joey are dating.
Rachel: It's a long story.
Monica: Rachel! Before you go, could you um, just lay right here, (pats her spot on the bed) Tell me if you feel a little lump in it. It's driving me crazy.
Rachel: Ok... (she lays down) I'm not feeling anything Mon...
Monica: Now! (Monica and Chandler both jump onto the bed, sending Rachel flying off of it, but leaving them both safely on the bed)
Rachel: (getting up) Why did you guys do that?!
Monica: Sorry. We'll talk about in the morning.
Chandler: Yes. We're trying to nap now. Bye bye!
[Scene: Rachel And Joey's Apartment. Phoebe and Ross are exiting Rachel's room. They both look wore out.]
Phoebe: Whew. So, where are we spending the night tonight?
Ross: I don't know. How about my place? We haven't had sex there in like...(glances at the clock) 36 hours.
Phoebe: Ok. Well then I'm just going to call my house and check my messages.
Ross: Alright, I'm gonna run next door and see if they have any ice cream.
Phoebe: Ok. (Ross exits and she dials up her number, she checks her messages and we hear her answering machine)
Answering Machine Voice: You have one message.
Phoebe: Oh yay! (the phone beeps and we hear the message)
Message: Hi, Phoebe Buffe this is Dr. Olson from the clinic. The results from the tests that you and Dr. Ross Gellar took are in, and the two of you can drop in anytime tommorow to get the results. We're open from 10 am to 4 pm, so you can stop by anytime between then. Have a good day. Goodbye.
Phoebe: (hanging up the phone) Oh my god.
Ross: (coming back in) Damn, theyhave no orange sherbert ice cream!
Phoebe: Ross...I got a message from Doctor Olson. The results from our tests are in.
Ross: Really? Did she say if I was the father or not?
Phoebe: No. They want us to come by tommorow. I guess they want to tell us in person.
Phoebe: Yeah...So I guess tommorow, can we go down there early and...
Ross: (interupting) Yeah, yeah. As soon as they open Pheebs we'll be there. (stepping towards her) I don't know if I'm more nervous or scared.
Phoebe: I'm both.
Ross: Don't worry Pheebs. Even if the baby isn't genetically mine...(pause) I'm still gonna be the father.
Phoebe: I know Ross. I don't need a doctor or a blood test to know that that's true.
Ross: Come on. Let's go back to my place, and actually rest tonight. We have a big day ahead of us tommorow.
Phoebe: Yeah. Let's go. (they both exit the apartment)
[Scene: The game room of Mrs. Bing's house. Tag and Joey are drinking and talking]
Tag: So, you and Rachel huh? Lucky you.
Joey: Um, yeah, me and Rachel, lucky me...
Tag: You don't sound too excited. I mean isn't this what you've always wanted?
Rachel: (comes down the stairs but hears Joey and Tag talking. Stops where she is and listens in on their conversation)
Joey: Yeah...yeah I guss it is.
Tag: I remember when you told me how you feel about her.
Joey: Yeah, but let's not talk about that.
Tag: Oh come on. Embarrased? (laughs a little) I remember it was a couple of days after me and Rach broke up. I brought some of her stuff back to your place, but she wasn't home. And I told you, what was it I said? Oh yeah, I said, "I'm over her. She's not as great as I thought." (laughs to himself) Little did I know, that's not the smartest thing to say to Joey Tribiani. Man, you gave me some hell. You said...
Joey: (interupting) Yeah I remember what I said.
Tag: No wait I memorized this part. It's my favorite. You said "Tag, you're just a kid. And right now, you don't have the slightest clue as to what makes a great woman. But in a couple of years, you're going to be close to thirty, and that's when it's going to hit you. You are going to realize just how great Rachel really is. You are going to look back and remember how good it felt just to be a part of her life. No matter how big or small of a role you had, friend, boyfriend, assistant, whatever. You're going to remember how special you felt when she smiled at you. When she laughed at one of your jokes, or whenever she let you stare into those eyes of hers. In a couple of years you are going to realize that Rachel Green isn't just the most beautiful woman you've ever known. But the most inteligent, caring, and gracious woman that you have ever been in the presence of." (looks up to Joey) Did I mess it up? Or is that what you said?
Joey: Yeah. That's what I said.
Tag: Are you ok?
Joey: (pause) Yeah I'm just tired. I'm going to bed. Goodnight. (starts to leave)
Tag: Goodnight. (pause) And oh Joey, just so you know...
Joey: (turns around) Yeah?
Tag: It didn't take me a couple of years. (pause) Just a couple of minutes.
Joey: I know. That's all it took me. (turns to leave and runs into Rachel around the corner, who is almost crying) Hey.
Rachel: (trying to keep control of herself) You said all of that?
Joey: Um...yeah. But Rach, we don't have to make a big deal about this. I mean I was just...(he is interupted by Rachel, who leans in and kisses him deeply)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Room. They are both asleep, but Chandler is trying to get up without waking Monica]
Chandler: Monica...get up.
Monica: (trying to sleep) Shh.
Chandler: Honey, I want to get up, but I don't want send you flying off the bed.
Monica: So don't move ok? Now, shhh.
Chandler: Mon... I don't want to do this. I'm warning you.
Monica: If you knock me off of this bed, no sex for a week.
Chandler: But Mon, I have to pee!
Monica: Chandler! Shut up!
Chandler: You know we've had an awful lot of pee problems lately.
Chandler: Well, I'm just saying it's kind of weird, all this pee stuff happening at the same time...
Monica: (gets up off the bed which cause Chandler to fly off his side onto the floor. Monica lays back down on the bed) There. You can go pee now.
Chandler: (getting up off the floor) I think I already did...
TO BE CONTINUED WITH THE 6TH AND AS OF NOW NAMELESS EPISODE OF MY ALTERNATE SEASON 8