The One On Train 363

Written by: Gabe

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

Author's Note: I intend for this to be the fourth episode in my own version of Season 8. I would recommend reading the first 3 episodes of my series; "The One With Joey's Problem" , "The One With The Itchy Butts" and "The One With The Explanation" before you read this one.

[Scene: Doctor's Office. Rachel is sitting up on the table. A nurse is taking Rachel's blood pressure.]

Rachel: You know, I really don't think all of this is necessary. I'm just here so that Dr.Pepper can tell me that I'm cured and I can go home.

Nurse: It's part of a normal checkup ma'am. Just giving you your money's worth.

Rachel: Yeah, by the way, how much do each of these check ups cost?

Nurse: (laughs a little) You don't wanna know.

Rachel: That bad huh?

Nurse: Well, Dr. Pepper is a millionare... so you can guess what that means.

Rachel: A lot of people get butt rashes?

Nurse: No, just weirdos like you get butt rashes.

Dr. Pepper: (entering) Good morning.

Rachel: Hi.

Dr. Pepper: So, how's your butt doing?

Rachel: Um, good. Much better actually. I'm just here so you can tell me everything is fine and I can go home.

Dr. Pepper: Well, judging by the tests we just did, I would say you're fine. But just in case, I would be very careful with your butt these next couple of days. Wear soft pants, don't sit on hard surfaces... and, um, I probably wouldn't have sex with anyone for about a week.

Rachel: Um ok. That's never a problem...

Dr. Pepper: Great. So I guess that's it. If there are any more problems feel free to call my number. I'll be out of town but you can reach me on my cell. The number is on my card.

Rachel: Um, I never got one of your cards.

Dr. Pepper: Oh. Um, Rebecca, will you run and grab a card from the front desk?

Nurse: Sure. (exits)

Rachel: Um... can I ask you a question?

Dr. Pepper: Sure.

Rachel: Now that my butt is all clear... would you um... would you like to go out sometime?

Dr. Pepper: (smiles, embarrassed) Uh... I'm flattered... really, I am. But I have a girlfriend.

Rachel: Oh! I'm sorry. I should have known.

Nurse: (entering and handing the card to Rachel) Here you go.

Rachel: Thanks.

Dr. Pepper: Remember, call if you need me.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's Apartment. Ross and Phoebe are sitting at the table eating, Monica and Chandler are in the living room, messing with some suitcases.]

Monica: So today's the big day... are you excited to find out who the dad is?

Phoebe: Excited? No. Terrified? Yes.

Ross: Aw Pheebs, it's going to be fine. We're all here for you... especially me.

Phoebe: I know. I just hate the fact that I have to miss another trip because of pregnancy.

Chandler: Trust me, you're lucky that you're not going. Trips to my Mom's house are never fun.

Monica: Oh Chandler come on. She's your mom, the least you can do is visit her every once in awhile.

Chandler: Oh really? Well how about when we get back we go and spend a weekend with your parents.

Monica: Dream on. I'm not going anywhere near those two if I don't have to.

Phoebe: Oh and Ross, I really appreciate you skipping the trip to stay back and be with me.

Chandler: (laughs) That's not the real reason he's staying behind.

Phoebe: Oh then what is?

Monica: (laughing too) Chandler won't let him go.

Ross: See, Chandler is still kind of upset about that whole, me kissing his mom thing.

Phoebe: Oh yeah. I remember that.

Rachel: (entering, not carrying anything. Joey is behind her, carrying several suitcases in his hands and is carrying a paper bag with his teeth) We're ready.

Chandler: Good god! Did you both clean out your closets?

Joey: (spitting out the bag) No! This is all Rachel's stuff. (drops all the suitcases)

Monica: Then where is all of your luggage?

Joey: In the paper bag!

Phoebe: Ooh let me see. (grabs the paper bag and looks inside of it) 5 shirts, 3 pairs of jeans, 5 pairs of socks... um Joey?

Joey: Yeah?

Phoebe: There's no underwear in here.

Joey: Yeah I know.

Rachel: Oh my god! Joey! You're going to wear the underwear you have on for five days?!

Joey: No... I'm not wearing any now either.

Phoebe: Ooh... how sexy.

[Scene: Doctor's Office. Phoebe and Ross are there. Pheebs is sitting on the doctor's table and Ross is sitting in a chair]

Ross: Are you nervous?

Phoebe: Yeah... but I just wanna get this over with.

Ross: Over with? Pheebs this has barely started. I mean yeah, finding out who the dad is, is a big deal, but the real tough stuff doesn't start until after that.

Phoebe: (yelling) I know Ross! I know! (quieting down) I'm sorry... but all of this is a lot of stress. I mean I thought giving up three babies was hard to imagine... but actually taking one home... it's just... wow... People are gonna be coming out of me again!

Doctor: (entering) Good afternoon you two. How are you both today?

Phoebe: Fine.

Ross: Good... Um, excuse me Doctor? How long will it take to get the results of this?

Doctor: Well, doing these tests before a baby is born is very risky. We have to be cautious. So it could be 4 or 5 days, up to a week.

Ross: Ok.

Doctor: So, Phoebe if you will come with me, we can get started.

Phoebe: Ok. (hops off the bed and stands next to the doctor)

Doctor: And Ross, someone will be in here shortly to take your blood sample.

Ross: Blood sample?

Doctor: Yes... we'll need it to see if you are the father.

Ross: But... won't that require... a needle?

Doctor: Yes it will.

Ross: Is that the only way to do it? Can't I like... pee in a cup or something?

Doctor: Sure. You can pee in a cup if you want. But we're still gonna need a blood sample.

Phoebe: Ross just do it ok? Let's not make this anymore stressful than it already is.

Ross: Fine.

Doctor: Excellent. I'll send someone in right away.

Ross: (to himself) I need my mommy...

[Scene: At the train station. Monica, Rachel, and Joey are sitting on a bench with all the bags]

Rachel: I've never been on a train before... Is it fun?

Joey: Oh it's great. My mom used to drop me off at the train station with my sisters all the time. She would give me a couple of sandwhiches and tell me not to let my sisters travel anywhere past Boston... I miss those days...

Chandler: (aproaching) Speaking of Boston, here our tickets. Me and Monica have a compartment and you two are sharing a compartment. (hands everyone their tickets)

Rachel: Are our compartments next to each other?

Chandler: Yeah. We're in 526 and you're in 527.


Chandler: Come on that's us.

Rachel: Grab the bags Joey. (they all walk off leaving Joey to carry all of their bags to the train)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's Compartment. Both of them are entering.]

Rachel: Uh oh.

Joey: (dropping all the bags and closing the door) What's wrong?

Rachel: There's only one bed.

Joey: Yeah I see. (pauses) So what was the problem?

Rachel: Joey! We can't share a bed!

Joey: Well why not?! You can trust me! I'm not gonna try anything!

Rachel: Joey it's not that I don't trust you...

Joey: Oh yeah?! Well then what is it?

Rachel: It's that... (looking for a reason... obviously lieing to him) Joey it's just... I can't trust myself.

Joey: Oh. (thinks about it) Ooh! Afraid you can't resist my body huh?

Rachel: Yes Joey that's what it is. I'm sorry.

Joey: Oh don't be sorry! I mean... who can blame you right?

Rachel: Exactly. So maybe we should switch rooms now.

Joey: Nah. Rach, look. I promise you I will not let anything happen between us tonight. I give you my word.

Rachel: (thinks) Fine. But I have your word right? You're serious.

Joey: Dead serious. I swear that if I break this promise, I will never eat a meatball sandwhich again.

Rachel: Wow... you are serious huh?

Joey: Yeah. (pauses) But it's really only because I couldn't do anything even if I wanted to.

Rachel: What do you mean?

Joey: My problem... you remember? (Rachel looks blank) Mr. Limp! Joey is Mr. Limp!

Rachel: Oh that! You're still having that problem?

Joey: Yeah... but I don't wanna talk about it.

Rachel: Oh come on Joey, maybe I can help.

Joey: Nah. Besides, you got enough problems to deal with.

Rachel: I do?

Joey: Sure. Like that Mr. Pibb guy who rejected you today.

Rachel: Oh yeah... stupid, rich, handsome Dr. Pepper.(the train starts moving) Ooh, we're moving. Do you wanna go get some drinks from the lounge cart?

Joey: Nah, I'm just gonna hang out in here for awhile. (looking around) Where's my bag?

Rachel: (looking out the window) Uh oh.

Joey: What? What uh oh? (runs to look out the window) No! You stupid kids! Those are my jeans! Take them off you're heads! (sighs) Oh man.

Rachel: (looks over at him) Now do you wanna get some drinks?

Joey: Yeah!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's Compartment. Chandler is laying on the bed and Monica is sitting on a chair, looking in a mirror]

Chandler: These next five days are going to suck. I can't believe I agreed to go visit her. Oh wait a minute! I didn't! My wife is making me go!

Monica: Chandler! It's not going to be that bad ok? Besides, this gives Phoebe and Ross some alone time...

Chandler: Some alone time for what Mon? I mean, the stuff they needed to be alone for is already done! And that's just assuming Ross is the father. For all we know, it could still be smelly lawyer guy!

Monica: Or his brother.

Chandler: Exactly!... Wait a minute... you think Ross and Phoebe are going to become a couple don't you!?

Monica: Well you never know what can happen if you leave two friends alone long enough. Especially, when one of them is my brother.

Chandler: (thinks) Oh my god. What are we thinking?!

Monica: What's the matter?!

Chandler: This is your brother we're talking about here! It's Ross! By the time we get back he and Pheebs will probably already be married!

Monica: Oh my god... you're right. We gotta call them! You know, make sure they don't do anything stupid while we're gone!

Chandler: You're right! Maybe we should even go back! You know, just watch over them for the next couple of days.

Monica: Nice try. Come on, let's go call them. (Monica walks to the door and tries to open up, but it won't open) Ugh, Chandler, how do you open these doors?

Chandler: (standing up) Yeah doors are tricky. (walks to the door and tries to open it, but it won't budge) This one is tricky! I think it's stuck.

Monica: Oh my god!

Chandler: It's not that bad Mon. I mean... it is just me and you... alone... with a bed... all to ourselves...

Monica: Chandler... as tempting as that sounds... I don't think we can do that...

Chandler: Why not? I've been good!

Monica: Because I have to pee!

Chandler: Oh! We should probably get the door open soon then.

Monica: Yeah. (thinks) Any ideas?

Chandler: Um, yeah, one. (walks to the door) HELP! HELP US! MY WIFE NEEDS TO PEE!

[Scene: Doctor's office. Ross is sitting on the table, and a male nurse enters]

Nurse: Hi.

Ross: Um... hi.

Nurse: This should only take a minute or two. I'm just going to get a small sample of blood and we'll be all done buddy.

Ross: Um... ok... buddy. I just, I should let you know that I have a very large fear of needles.

Nurse: Really? Well then maybe you should check out that poster up there.

Ross: Where? (looks around and the nurse quickly sticks a needle in his arm) Ow! What are you doing? Are you crazy? Have you gone mad? Are you losing your mind?!

Nurse: Damn I missed the vein.

Ross: What?! All that pain and you missed the vein. (thinks) Heh, that rhymed... .

Nurse: I'm sorry ok. But that's the best technique we have for the men who are too weak to face needles.

Ross: I'm sorry. Did you just say weak?

Nurse: Um, yeah, sorry. I didn't mean anything by it.

Ross: Well listen here Pyscho nurse boy. I am not weak. You go ahead and stick that needle in my arm. I, will be fine.

Nurse: Ok. (sticks the needle in Ross's arm)

Ross: I'm weak! Oh dear god I'm weak! Stop the pain! Stop the pain!

Nurse: (taking out the needle) All done.

Ross: See, that wasn't so bad.

[Scene: The dining cart of Train 363. Rachel and Joey are at a table and have obviously been drinking a a lot]

Rachel: So then the priest says, 'No you idiot! It was a goat!" (Rachel and Joey crack up laughing)

Joey: Oh, this is great Rach. This is taking my mind off of all my problems.

Rachel: Well that's what 12 beers will do for you. Besides, your problem isn't a very big one.

Joey: Not a big problem? Rach? Have you ever had sex?

Rachel: Yes Joey, I've had sex.

Joey: Well obviously not with the right guys because if you've had sex with the right guys you would know how great sex is! And by god you would know that missing out on sex is a very very big deal!

Rachel: I know Joe. You're absolutely right.

Joey: See! It is a big deal!

Rachel: No you're not right about that. I think, that maybe, I haven't slept with the right guy yet.

Joey: Huh?

Rachel: Yeah. I mean... there was Barry... who was, well, pathetic. And Paolo... who just. Well Paolo was good, but he just screamed so much in a language I didn't understand... it took away from the expierence ya know?

Joey: Yeah, you gotta hate that.

Rachel: And Ross... well Ross wasn't bad. But after we did have sex, there was always this weird period of five minutes when I would always be scared to death that he was gonna propose to me.

Joey: What about that assitant guy. Tap?... Touch?... Poke?

Rachel: Tag?

Joey: That the game, er, guy.

Rachel: Yeah, he was too young. Not enough knowledge.

Joey: Well, I wish I could make fun of them with you... but at least they get to have sex!

Rachel: Ugh Joey. I think you just need a real woman to solve your problem... Just like I need a real man.

Joey: How drunk are you?

Rachel: Very.

Joey: Yeah I can tell.

Rachel: Look, Joey. Isn't there some weird sex rule that says, 'If it's on a train it's ok."

Joey: No. (thinks) But there really should be.

Rachel: Well I say we make that rule right now.

Joey: Agreed!

Rachel: Alright then. Rule made!

Joey: Excellent! Now we just have to find some hot chicks to have sex with.

Rachel: No Joey! We should have sex! Me and you! Ya know, U-N-I sex! Remember?

Joey: Oh yeah.

Rachel: So what do you think?

Joey: (thinks) Nope, can't do it.

Rachel: Why not?

Joey: Because I promised you nothing would happen between us tonight.

Rachel: Oh Joey! Just forget that ok?! I want this to happen! I need this to happen! Just me, you, and sex. No relationship, no marriage, no screaming in latin. Just wild... hot... passionate... sex. (leaning in towards Joey) And if there is anyone who can help fix Mr. Limp... it's me.

Joey: (taking another drink of his beer) Fine! Ok! But only for the sake of Mr. Limp!

Rachel: Great! (she stands up) Let's go!

Joey: (stands up) Ok!

Rachel: (grabbing several bottles) Let's not forget our beer.

Joey: (grabbing another 12 pack) We wouldn't wanna do that.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Compartment. Monica is hopping up and down and Chandler is still tugging at the door, although he appears completely out of energy.]

Monica: Chandler! I can't hold it any longer! I have to pee now!

Chandler: Ok. Let me think for a second. (pauses) Why don't you pee out the window?

Monica: What?

Chandler: Well come on. It's a moving train. Who's going to see you? And let's say by the off chance someone is watching a train go by, we're going like 100 miles an hour. No one would ever know it was Monica Bing peeing out the window.

Monica: You know what? You're right.

Chandler: I'm right? Wow. So this is what it feels like.

Monica: Aww, you're so cute. Now turn around so I can pee!

Chandler: Ok. (turns around and we see his face reacts to the noise of the window opening, ect. And then the train stops, and he realizes that Monica is peeing out of a stopped train) Oh my god! Stop peeing!

Voice From Outside: All aboard! Train 363 to... (pause)... Ahh! Quit peeing on me lady!

Chandler: Oh that's not good... but hey, maybe that will attract enough attention for them to open our door.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment. Ross and Phoebe are in the living room watching TV]

Ross: You know what's weird? Monica and Chandler aren't going to be here for five days... yet we are still hanging out at their place.

Phoebe: That is weird. But I think it's because it has suck a home type feel to it. Like a K-Mart or something. You just feel safe.

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: Does your arm still hurt?

Ross: No. (pause) Yeah, a little bit.

Phoebe: Ooh, come here let me see it.

Ross: (walking over to her and showing her his arm) See?

Phoebe: Oh yeah. Ooh, nice bandaid. Purple dinosaurs...

Ross: Yeah I picked it out myself. They had monkeys and clowns too, but I told him, 'Nope', I want the dinosaurs.

Phoebe: Yeah. (still holding Ross's arm. She squeezes it) Have you been working out?

Ross: Um... yeah a little.

Phoebe: Yeah you can tell... and Rachel was right! You have great hands!

Ross: Ok do you wanna have sex?

Phoebe: God I thought you were nevr gonna ask! (Phoebe and Ross start kissing)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Compartment. Chandler is at the door talking to a train worker]

Worker: So Mr. Bing, that's going to be an extra 50 dollars added to your bill.

Chandler: 50?! We didn't even break the door!

Worker: I know, and normally I wouldn't charge you... but your wife peed on my head.

Chandler: Understood. Have a nice night.

Worker: You too. (leaves)

Monica: (returning from the bathroom) Well I feel better.

Chandler: Good. Because that trip to the bathroom cost us fifty dollars.

Monica: (closing the door and sitting on the bed) What?

Chandler: Yeah, you see, the little window incident led to... (stops, hearing a slight noise) Do you hear that?

Monica: (hears the sound of a bed squeaking and people having sex) Oh my god! Where is that coming from?

Chandler: I don't know. (looks around, then stares at Rachel and Joey's wall) Oh my god!

Monica: What are they doing?! We have to stop them!

Chandler: You're right! (runs to the door and tries to open it) Oh no! It's stuck again!

Monica: (pulling at the door too) I don't believe this. Of all the times...

Chandler: Oh this just sucks. And this is just the beginning of the trip.

Monica: Well... as long as we're locked in here... we could do the same thing they are. (approaching Chandler)

Chandler: I don't think that's a good idea.

Monica: (putting her arms around his neck)Why not? We can be louder than them! Don't worry! We can take 'em!

Chandler: No it's just that... now I have to pee.

The End